Tired of reaching out to people who don't care

D

Deleted Account

Guest
I'm in fucking tears writing this. I'm officially broken. I tried to tell my family I'm having issues with suicide thoughts and depression.

"Its all in your head" they state while smiling
"Nothings wrong with you" they tell me
"Its your fault you don't have friends because you never leave the house or do anything." They say
"Other people have it worse, get over it" they scoff

Everyone looks down on me like I'm someone dangerous they should stay away from when I try to seek help. Even my doctors scoff and laugh when I come to them. I cut ties with my three best friends a few years ago. They always came to me for help, and I loved to give them advice. I love admiring people and giving unwanted love and unnecessary attention to people who are struggling, even if they don't ask for it. This is a personality trait of mine I desperately want to change and absolutely can't stand.

Humans constantly crave love and acceptance, and they seek it even when they aren't conscious of it. Its ironic, because those same people who seek love (non romantic) and acceptance and pray to God for someone who understands them reject it when it finally comes. This is something I never understood about humans. Even though I stood by my friends side and supported them through everything (even things I shouldn't have supported them for) I was never important or significant in their life, just a third wheel that comes and goes in their life when needed.

Maybe they're like my ex, they have attachment issues and they fear getting close to others, maybe they have abandonment fears like my father and fear that if they get close to someone that someone will leave them. Maybe that's why they never took me seriously and would always distant there self if I tried to get too close.

It really sucks because I did my absolute hardest to help them in their life and when I started getting anxiety problems and depression I tried to come to them for help but they acted like they want nothing to do with me. I tried to tell them I was feeling weird and they're all like "Oh?" And they wouldn't text me back. They didn't care about the me that was struggling, they only wanted the "fun" me around that uplifted their moods and encouraged them.

Its not really their fault anyways. They didn't understand what I was going through. How could I expect them to understand me when I couldn't even understand myself? People without depression will never truly understand someone going through it unless they experience themselves. They may have a understanding of it through studying it, but that's it.

I'm tried of being a burden to people. My family and friends think I'm a burden. They don't tell me that, but I know it is exactly what they're thinking. The way they avoid me when I'm talking to them and the way they limit their response tells me they want nothing to do with my life or issues. My existence in people's life wasn't meant to be long lasting and meaningful, I am merely a ghost, I enter peoples life temporary and when they want me gone I leave them alone. Its been this way my whole life, it is what I know.

I remember a few weeks ago my step mom was telling me about her classmate who had depression.

If she noticed those signs in her classmate, how the fuck can she not see the signs in her own step daughter? Can you not see MOM? Can you not see how fucking messed up I am? Can you not see how skinny and frail I've become? How I went from being the most popular and social student at school to a homeschool girl with almost no friends? How I'm having multiple anxiety attacks a day and crying that I might be dying of a heart attack? Did you not see how I went from being a straight A student that loved to study to someone who has difficulty even finishing a book? I feel like she rubs it in my face how insignificant I am to her. I came to her so many times for help and she never took me seriously.

Maybe these past few years is all just a punishment from God. I used to be the popular one in school, the "perfect one". Despite loving to help people I also loved to cause drama. I am a walking contradiction. No wonder God doesn't like me. I have multiple personalities, everyone I talk to knows me as someone different, and they each have their own unique individual description and knowledge about me and who I am. I can never seem to keep one personality.

Who the fuck am I? Am I the popular girl at school that my classmates used to know me as? The loud mouthed, quick witted and humorous person my friends loved me as? Could I possibly be the daring and adventurous tomboy that I portrayed to my male friends? Or am I the quiet, well behaved student my teachers boasted about? I don't even know anymore.

Someday when I stand before God on judgment day the first thing I'll ask of him is to erase my memories for sure. I don't want to remember my life, my family, even my own name. I pray that it'll be wiped clean from the existence of this universe. Thats how much I hate myself right now.
 
A lot of things to say about your history, but I'm really curious about this one:

How I went from being the most popular and social student at school to a homeschool girl with almost no friends?
Click to expand...
I think most people around here, and I include myself, never experienced being trully social before. Something really bad happen to you to grow this depression in your life?
 
"Its all in your head" they state while smiling
"Nothings wrong with you" they tell me
"Its your fault you don't have friends because you never leave the house or do anything." They say
"Other people have it worse, get over it" they scoff
Click to expand...

These are things I never talk to anyone, plus the classic "Everything gonna be okay" which is a huge lie and I hate. Instead, like a person who really enjoy to listen to people's problems, I prefer to ask more about the problem to try to understand more about or I just shut the fuck up to not talk shit. Sometimes, I think my silence is an inconvinient. What we should say, really? Here we all know, somehow, what depression/anxiety is but even so, sometimes I dont know what to say to another person who have it too.
 
白色玉花 said:
I'm in fucking tears writing this. I'm officially broken. I tried to tell my family I'm having issues with suicide thoughts and depression.

"Its all in your head" they state while smiling
"Nothings wrong with you" they tell me
"Its your fault you don't have friends because you never leave the house or do anything." They say
"Other people have it worse, get over it" they scoff

Everyone looks down on me like I'm someone dangerous they should stay away from when I try to seek help. Even my doctors scoff and laugh when I come to them. I cut ties with my three best friends a few years ago. They always came to me for help, and I loved to give them advice. I love admiring people and giving unwanted love and unnecessary attention to people who are struggling, even if they don't ask for it. This is a personality trait of mine I desperately want to change and absolutely can't stand.

Humans constantly crave love and acceptance, and they seek it even when they aren't conscious of it. Its ironic, because those same people who seek love (non romantic) and acceptance and pray to God for someone who understands them reject it when it finally comes. This is something I never understood about humans. Even though I stood by my friends side and supported them through everything (even things I shouldn't have supported them for) I was never important or significant in their life, just a third wheel that comes and goes in their life when needed.

Maybe they're like my ex, they have attachment issues and they fear getting close to others, maybe they have abandonment fears like my father and fear that if they get close to someone that someone will leave them. Maybe that's why they never took me seriously and would always distant there self if I tried to get too close.

It really sucks because I did my absolute hardest to help them in their life and when I started getting anxiety problems and depression I tried to come to them for help but they acted like they want nothing to do with me. I tried to tell them I was feeling weird and they're all like "Oh?" And they wouldn't text me back. They didn't care about the me that was struggling, they only wanted the "fun" me around that uplifted their moods and encouraged them.

Its not really their fault anyways. They didn't understand what I was going through. How could I expect them to understand me when I couldn't even understand myself? People without depression will never truly understand someone going through it unless they experience themselves. They may have a understanding of it through studying it, but that's it.

I'm tried of being a burden to people. My family and friends think I'm a burden. They don't tell me that, but I know it is exactly what they're thinking. The way they avoid me when I'm talking to them and the way they limit their response tells me they want nothing to do with my life or issues. My existence in people's life wasn't meant to be long lasting and meaningful, I am merely a ghost, I enter peoples life temporary and when they want me gone I leave them alone. Its been this way my whole life, it is what I know.

I remember a few weeks ago my step mom was telling me about her classmate who had depression.

If she noticed those signs in her classmate, how the fuck can she not see the signs in her own step daughter? Can you not see MOM? Can you not see how fucking messed up I am? Can you not see how skinny and frail I've become? How I went from being the most popular and social student at school to a homeschool girl with almost no friends? How I'm having multiple anxiety attacks a day and crying that I might be dying of a heart attack? Did you not see how I went from being a straight A student that loved to study to someone who has difficulty even finishing a book? I feel like she rubs it in my face how insignificant I am to her. I came to her so many times for help and she never took me seriously.

Maybe these past few years is all just a punishment from God. I used to be the popular one in school, the "perfect one". Despite loving to help people I also loved to cause drama. I am a walking contradiction. No wonder God doesn't like me. I have multiple personalities, everyone I talk to knows me as someone different, and they each have their own unique individual description and knowledge about me and who I am. I can never seem to keep one personality.

Who the fuck am I? Am I the popular girl at school that my classmates used to know me as? The loud mouthed, quick witted and humorous person my friends loved me as? Could I possibly be the daring and adventurous tomboy that I portrayed to my male friends? Or am I the quiet, well behaved student my teachers boasted about? I don't even know anymore.

Someday when I stand before God on judgment day the first thing I'll ask of him is to erase my memories for sure. I don't want to remember my life, my family, even my own name. I pray that it'll be wiped clean from the existence of this universe. Thats how much I hate myself right now.
Click to expand...
Child you do suffer from depression. I know because I have clinical/major depression. I know what its like to be the "most popular" kid and all of a sudden be the most quietest person in the planet. To the point where I was literally invisible. You are having symptoms of depersonalization; a byproduct of depression. Not just that but hoplessness, worthlessness, etc. I want to truly help you, you are in pain, and the first thing you should do is see a "serious" psychiatrist. Then in conjunction with that ( what I do) stop using any drugs/alcohol, stop PMOing, exercise more, eat right, sleep right, and try meditation. Meditation puts me in such a "clear headed" mindframe that I am at peace for a couple of hours until I have to do it again to get that mindframe again. Remember this is coming from a person like yourself, so I KNOW you MIGHT ignore some of this and try to do it your way. I truely hope you try this out. Oh, and another thing, dont expect for any of this to work the first week or second week, no,no,no. It will take serious dedication. I hope you find your way, good luck!
 
pira3 said:
A lot of things to say about your history, but I'm really curious about this one:


I think most people around here, and I include myself, never experienced being trully social before. Something really bad happen to you to grow this depression in your life?
Click to expand...
Porn addiction of course is the main leading cause of all of this in my life. Since I was 7 years old. On and off relapses up until this day. Huge relapse at the beginning of 2017 and everything kind of crashed. I keep making wrong decisions in my life that I wish I can go back and change. I've done things in the past that haunt me to this day that I just can't escape from.

Family drama is another cause of my anxiety and depression. Bio mom died in a car wreck around the same time I got into porn. My family never cared what I did and was never really involved in my life and that's how I got into the mess in in today.

For awhile I was okay after my mom died, and only occasionally watched porn. In middle school I was doing well actually, except for the fact that my family kept fighting and the stress in my home kept building.
I was very social and popular in middle school and I was the top of class. But then I started to try to stop porn and I literally had withdrawal effects that were almost comparable to that of a cocaine addict. I had to leave school because constant anxiety attacks and hospital visits.
 
Okay, I just have to point out, I think possibly again because I think I vaguely remember responding to one of your first posts about your dad that some old school, traditional values often = simplistic understanding of the human condition. SO simplistic, in fact that it's little different from religious extremists in my view.

And in my experience it isn't as if they actually understood much about the actual values of some of the deep thinkers from their past, what they have is effectively a kind of cultural egotism. And of course, dumbass statements like "it's all in your head" is so dumbed down that it is cross cultural, but not in any deep meaningful sense - it's just so simplistic that it's like the stereotypical American redneck, their dipshit simple truth view is pretty much the same across cultures and socioeconomic strata.

These people have no wisdom to impart, it's a mistake to consider them elders capable of any sort of significant mentorship. I don't give a shit if they are related to me, they take their position as a kind of entitlement which I consider empty because their mental processes have little substance as far as I'm concerned. I no longer expect anything from them at all.

Now YMMV, sorry to go off on your thread but from what you've said I suspect there are a lot of similarities so take it for whatever it's worth. We obviously have a lot of differences too, and while I don't blame my family for their ignorance I sure as fuck am not going to pretend it's wisdom and no, I do not need their love, actually.
 
白色玉花 said:
I'm in fucking tears writing this. I'm officially broken. I tried to tell my family I'm having issues with suicide thoughts and depression.

"Its all in your head" they state while smiling
"Nothings wrong with you" they tell me
"Its your fault you don't have friends because you never leave the house or do anything." They say
"Other people have it worse, get over it" they scoff

Everyone looks down on me like I'm someone dangerous they should stay away from when I try to seek help. Even my doctors scoff and laugh when I come to them. I cut ties with my three best friends a few years ago. They always came to me for help, and I loved to give them advice. I love admiring people and giving unwanted love and unnecessary attention to people who are struggling, even if they don't ask for it. This is a personality trait of mine I desperately want to change and absolutely can't stand.

Humans constantly crave love and acceptance, and they seek it even when they aren't conscious of it. Its ironic, because those same people who seek love (non romantic) and acceptance and pray to God for someone who understands them reject it when it finally comes. This is something I never understood about humans. Even though I stood by my friends side and supported them through everything (even things I shouldn't have supported them for) I was never important or significant in their life, just a third wheel that comes and goes in their life when needed.

Maybe they're like my ex, they have attachment issues and they fear getting close to others, maybe they have abandonment fears like my father and fear that if they get close to someone that someone will leave them. Maybe that's why they never took me seriously and would always distant there self if I tried to get too close.

It really sucks because I did my absolute hardest to help them in their life and when I started getting anxiety problems and depression I tried to come to them for help but they acted like they want nothing to do with me. I tried to tell them I was feeling weird and they're all like "Oh?" And they wouldn't text me back. They didn't care about the me that was struggling, they only wanted the "fun" me around that uplifted their moods and encouraged them.

Its not really their fault anyways. They didn't understand what I was going through. How could I expect them to understand me when I couldn't even understand myself? People without depression will never truly understand someone going through it unless they experience themselves. They may have a understanding of it through studying it, but that's it.

I'm tried of being a burden to people. My family and friends think I'm a burden. They don't tell me that, but I know it is exactly what they're thinking. The way they avoid me when I'm talking to them and the way they limit their response tells me they want nothing to do with my life or issues. My existence in people's life wasn't meant to be long lasting and meaningful, I am merely a ghost, I enter peoples life temporary and when they want me gone I leave them alone. Its been this way my whole life, it is what I know.

I remember a few weeks ago my step mom was telling me about her classmate who had depression.

If she noticed those signs in her classmate, how the fuck can she not see the signs in her own step daughter? Can you not see MOM? Can you not see how fucking messed up I am? Can you not see how skinny and frail I've become? How I went from being the most popular and social student at school to a homeschool girl with almost no friends? How I'm having multiple anxiety attacks a day and crying that I might be dying of a heart attack? Did you not see how I went from being a straight A student that loved to study to someone who has difficulty even finishing a book? I feel like she rubs it in my face how insignificant I am to her. I came to her so many times for help and she never took me seriously.

Maybe these past few years is all just a punishment from God. I used to be the popular one in school, the "perfect one". Despite loving to help people I also loved to cause drama. I am a walking contradiction. No wonder God doesn't like me. I have multiple personalities, everyone I talk to knows me as someone different, and they each have their own unique individual description and knowledge about me and who I am. I can never seem to keep one personality.

Who the fuck am I? Am I the popular girl at school that my classmates used to know me as? The loud mouthed, quick witted and humorous person my friends loved me as? Could I possibly be the daring and adventurous tomboy that I portrayed to my male friends? Or am I the quiet, well behaved student my teachers boasted about? I don't even know anymore.

Someday when I stand before God on judgment day the first thing I'll ask of him is to erase my memories for sure. I don't want to remember my life, my family, even my own name. I pray that it'll be wiped clean from the existence of this universe. Thats how much I hate myself right now.
Click to expand...
I used to be suicidal. I no longer am. I’ll be blunt. There is nothing wrong with the person you’re ashamed of. Nor is there a need to be ashamed of feeling ashamed... If there are things about yourself you want to change, you have every right to do so. Be yourself even if being yourself is changing yourself. There is; however, something wrong with suicide. I’ll continue to be blunt. My father committed suicide, but if he had waited he’d have experienced more happiness and sadness. He’d have also gotten to find out who he was. We’ll all get thrown off the roller coaster someday. I hope you stay and enjoy the ride with us until that happens.
 
Last edited:
Again, thank you everyone for putting aside some of your time to reply to me. Even though I know none of you in real life it helps for me to be able to rant and vent out my frustrations and worries to someone, it helps me to know that some people do care about my poor soul.

And no, I won't kill myself. I've had suicide thoughts on and off these past few years, but I never plan to act on them (hopefully). There's too much for me to do in this world before I take my leave.
 
白色玉花 said:
"Its your fault you don't have friends because you never leave the house or do anything." They say
"Other people have it worse, get over it" they scoff
Click to expand...

There is at least some truth in these 2 affirmation. The second one is obvious, you can always find someone worse off.

The first one is the important one. If you could be doing more to socialize or improve, and for whatever reasons you do not do it - you miss out on great value and opportunities.
 
Mike_July_2017 said:
There is at least some truth in these 2 affirmation. The second one is obvious, you can always find someone worse off.

The first one is the important one. If you could be doing more to socialize or improve, and for whatever reasons you do not do it - you miss out on great value and opportunities.
Click to expand...

For my experience, this two sequences doesn't work at all.

The first one it's obvious as it is. A person who suffers from some social condition already knows that. Repeat the obvious doesn't help (at least for me) ans sometime, pisses the shit out. What to do, so? Invite this person to go out in something he/she likes, give some alternatives... attitudes and options are different from repeating what is under someone's nose.

The second one, this is praising the tragedy from others, that's too much of "better for me if someone is screwed" for me. And even worse, the opposite can happen too: I don't want to be a reference of failure and relief to other persons feel a little better. Comparisons aren't cool at all, mainly from this negative perspective.

~my opinion~
 
白色玉花 said:
I'm in fucking tears writing this.

"Its all in your head" they state while smiling
"Nothings wrong with you" they tell me
"Its your fault you don't have friends because you never leave the house or do anything." They say
"Other people have it worse, get over it" they scoff
Click to expand...

Sometimes, people don't want to see the elephant in the living room:emoji_elephant:

My advice to you is to feel the pain. Don't run from it. Be with it.
Be the friend to yourself. Give yourself the support you need from others. It feels fake in the beginning, but keep on doing it.

You will never get the love you seek from others. Because love is not something you receive. Love is something you give.
 
白色玉花 said:
I'm in fucking tears writing this. I'm officially broken. I tried to tell my family I'm having issues with suicide thoughts and depression.

"Its all in your head" they state while smiling
"Nothings wrong with you" they tell me
"Its your fault you don't have friends because you never leave the house or do anything." They say
"Other people have it worse, get over it" they scoff

Everyone looks down on me like I'm someone dangerous they should stay away from when I try to seek help. Even my doctors scoff and laugh when I come to them. I cut ties with my three best friends a few years ago. They always came to me for help, and I loved to give them advice. I love admiring people and giving unwanted love and unnecessary attention to people who are struggling, even if they don't ask for it. This is a personality trait of mine I desperately want to change and absolutely can't stand.

Humans constantly crave love and acceptance, and they seek it even when they aren't conscious of it. Its ironic, because those same people who seek love (non romantic) and acceptance and pray to God for someone who understands them reject it when it finally comes. This is something I never understood about humans. Even though I stood by my friends side and supported them through everything (even things I shouldn't have supported them for) I was never important or significant in their life, just a third wheel that comes and goes in their life when needed.

Maybe they're like my ex, they have attachment issues and they fear getting close to others, maybe they have abandonment fears like my father and fear that if they get close to someone that someone will leave them. Maybe that's why they never took me seriously and would always distant there self if I tried to get too close.

It really sucks because I did my absolute hardest to help them in their life and when I started getting anxiety problems and depression I tried to come to them for help but they acted like they want nothing to do with me. I tried to tell them I was feeling weird and they're all like "Oh?" And they wouldn't text me back. They didn't care about the me that was struggling, they only wanted the "fun" me around that uplifted their moods and encouraged them.

Its not really their fault anyways. They didn't understand what I was going through. How could I expect them to understand me when I couldn't even understand myself? People without depression will never truly understand someone going through it unless they experience themselves. They may have a understanding of it through studying it, but that's it.

I'm tried of being a burden to people. My family and friends think I'm a burden. They don't tell me that, but I know it is exactly what they're thinking. The way they avoid me when I'm talking to them and the way they limit their response tells me they want nothing to do with my life or issues. My existence in people's life wasn't meant to be long lasting and meaningful, I am merely a ghost, I enter peoples life temporary and when they want me gone I leave them alone. Its been this way my whole life, it is what I know.

I remember a few weeks ago my step mom was telling me about her classmate who had depression.

If she noticed those signs in her classmate, how the fuck can she not see the signs in her own step daughter? Can you not see MOM? Can you not see how fucking messed up I am? Can you not see how skinny and frail I've become? How I went from being the most popular and social student at school to a homeschool girl with almost no friends? How I'm having multiple anxiety attacks a day and crying that I might be dying of a heart attack? Did you not see how I went from being a straight A student that loved to study to someone who has difficulty even finishing a book? I feel like she rubs it in my face how insignificant I am to her. I came to her so many times for help and she never took me seriously.

Maybe these past few years is all just a punishment from God. I used to be the popular one in school, the "perfect one". Despite loving to help people I also loved to cause drama. I am a walking contradiction. No wonder God doesn't like me. I have multiple personalities, everyone I talk to knows me as someone different, and they each have their own unique individual description and knowledge about me and who I am. I can never seem to keep one personality.

Who the fuck am I? Am I the popular girl at school that my classmates used to know me as? The loud mouthed, quick witted and humorous person my friends loved me as? Could I possibly be the daring and adventurous tomboy that I portrayed to my male friends? Or am I the quiet, well behaved student my teachers boasted about? I don't even know anymore.

Someday when I stand before God on judgment day the first thing I'll ask of him is to erase my memories for sure. I don't want to remember my life, my family, even my own name. I pray that it'll be wiped clean from the existence of this universe. Thats how much I hate myself right now.
Click to expand...

This made me sad to read, the whole thing about noone taking you seriously was shockingly relatable. I dont know old you are (I'm going to assume younger than me though so it might make my advice harder to follow) but what I did was give up trying to get family and friends to relate to me and just tackled my demons head on. I wont repeat advice already given but I would recommend a book called "Feeling Good" by David Burns, it helped me a lot.
 
Listen: outside world is like a mirror.... it reflects back to you what is in your heart. If you yourself feel bad about who you are and you don’t love and respect yourself.... the world outside will treat you the same.

But if your heart holds lots of deep self love..... then other people will start resonating with it and respond to it. Depression is a symptom of disconnection with your heart and feelings. Trust me, if you reconnect with who you are and learn to appreciated yourself with all your heart, then everything will turn around for you.
 
Last edited:
Some Day Shall Shine said:
"Love is something you give" means someone else will receive it 0.0
Click to expand...
The feeling of love fills you when you offer it, give it away. When you try to hold on to it, it is like a handful of water, it cannot be grasped. Some day you will understand!
Some Day Shall Shine said:
When you have a problem, you need to give it a solution and work on it. Not just calming the victim for being a victim.
Click to expand...
I bet you never had to calm down a crying child. You can't talk sense to emotions. Emotions don't care about logic.
One must calm the emotions first, and then you can start to train the rationality
 
Single Palm Change said:
The feeling of love fills you when you offer it, give it away. When you try to hold on to it, it is like a handful of water, it cannot be grasped. Some day you will understand!

I bet you never had to calm down a crying child. You can't talk sense to emotions. Emotions don't care about logic.
One must calm the emotions first, and then you can start to train the rationality
Click to expand...

I get the first part, it was just a nerdy response nothing else.

And yes, we got to let that person feel the hand offered to him. But still this has nothing to do with "calming a victim for being a victim".
 
Sometimes when you calm someone for his issue, it gives nothing to him but "Destiny and you got to live it" and this is not the case at all. A problem is done by emotional message holds a value.
 
Look, i have a lot to say on the matter, but i don't feel like it... cuz you know I'm "depressed" (whatever emotional intensity lays behind this modern word, but let's just say it is a state of deep unsatisfaction with the self, at the level you cannot stand yourself.) However, reading your post I reazlized i've also haven't finished a book in years,except one... even less than 100 pages one. Some of them were really interesting and insightful, but still when you are depressed even making a meal is hard let alone finish book. But I did finish one book, it gripped me so intensely that i couldn't imagine not finishing it. The book is called is called "In the realm of hungry ghosts - close encounters with addiction" by Gabor Mate. It was lifechanging of my view of the world,myself and people. I still struggle with depression but i recommend the book highly (I listened to it the author himself narrates), it might be perceptionbending for you too. It is not the only thing that moved me deeply in life but it certainly is a great contribution.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top