Tired of trying

It's not uncommon for someone to think they can quit a deep habit like porn usage without help.

I tried myself many times. It wasn't until I got help from professionals and group programs like SAA I was able to really understand what was going on.

Porn is most likely the symptom, not the disease. I know I was using it to numb feelings and avoid conflict and avoid being present with emotions like anxiety and stress. Having professional help to realize this (slowly and through workbooks and homework and conversations) is what made the difference. The question he's going to have to answer is the WHY of pornography. It was a hard realization for me, and seeing the denial I had was another tough moment.

This will suck for him, but you need to sit down and write down your boundaries and potential consequences. Write them down so you don't move them or let them become soft or forget one. Them sit him down and tell him and make sure he knows this is out of love and as a last ditch attempt to save your marriage. Tell him that seeing a therapist, going to SAA, or whatever you decide, are your new lines in the sand. They may be internet blockers, reduced phone usage. My wife's included removing all games from my phone and some other items. He can choose to do them or not, it's his choice, but you're going to stand by your boundaries.

At that point, it's up to him to make decisions and changes. You can't force him, drag him, guilt him, etc into doing something. He has to want to make the change. Do what you need to protect yourself. As an addict who got probably too many chances, I believe people deserve chances. However, from reading here and talking to my wife, etc - I have also learned partners need to eventually draw that line in the sand.

 

First of all, you will not be destroying your family by asking him to be the husband and father he promised to be. He has destroyed your family. Now he needs to face it and change, but he needs to acknowledge it and make sone life changes. He will not be able to simply stop. If he could, he would’ve. Find help for you, a good csat if possible. Then tell him exactly what you just wrote and set boundaries. Otherwise you will be in the same place 10 years from now.

 

say it with the rigth world, HE destroyed your marriage. Don't take responsability for something he did.

This is on you, you accepted a sexless marriage for many years. If you like sex and be desired by your man don't accept any less from your partner. Remember he is the only one you choose to be your sexual partner, if he is not willing to have sex with you then you choose poorly and need to look for someone else.

You did the rigth thing, you have integrity so you didn't cheat on him. But.. because of this you are stuck with a man that is not into you and is making you feel alone.. miserable..

Good for you, you stood up to him and tell him this was not what you wanted.

A lot of people stay together for the kid but doing this you are teaching to your kids that a relationship between a man and a woman is one without love. It's better to broke the marriage and go and date a person that make you happy, were you can show your kids a really good example of a lovely relationship.
Of course, is ok to give the other person another chance if if you feel they deserve it and know they are going to work hard to work things out.

Is not your job to fix him, no matter how much you try to help him, he is the one that need to do all the work to fix himself. Your only job in this process is to support him and see his progress.

This is what he did with the second chance you gave him. What would you think he will do with the next one? and the next one?

You also know he is a liar..

Remember, he destroyed it. He is doing something wrong and the consecuences is that you are no longer in a healthy relationship. You are just roomates with kids. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't waste the rest of my life with a crappy/sexless realtionship.

This happens a lot, not only with porn. Woman/man think they can chance the other person, that it will all come back to the first year of marriage when all was perfect. But the reality is that normally and in most cases things don't change, they normally get worst.

This is another mistake. You can have spectations, but is going to be really hard for another person to meet them if they are really high. Is better to go into a relationship/marriage to enjoy the other person and share moments and see how things develope. Now that everything is terring apart your spectations are not been met and you are devastated. Remember.. is not the end of the world. More than 50% of marriage file for divorse so is not something rare that a marriage didn't work.

Sometimes a relationship just don't work with that person. It migth be really good for some years but most times the fire goes to ice and the relationship is over and is time to move on. You need two people to dance tango.. he is dancing with porn rigth now. Are you going to keep waiting for him or are you going to go out there and dance with another man?

That's why I'm not into marriage. You are still with him because you are married. If he were just your boyfriend you would kick his ass long time ago, but now that you married him you are putting up with all this crap just because you are married.

They are giving the validation that you need to feel wanted.

You feel that way, but you are not. Accept the fact that your marriage failed, you didn't failed. He was the responsable. Let him go and look for another man that is happy to be with you.

You feel for him like every woman feel for a friend. You can have a lot of friend but only one partner. Choose a better one.

Again.. you gave him another and he blew it. how many chances are you going to give him? how much time are you going to waste with him? how many time are you going to expose your kids to a loveless relationship?

Reality is what it is, accept it and move on. If you get stucked in wontherland when you were happy together like years ago in hopes you can go back to there in the future you are going to keep waisting time on him that you are not getting back.

Move on, you already gave him another chance and he showed to you that his addiction was stronger that you, your marriage and kids. There are man out there with their shit together, don't waste your life with crappy people.

 

Addiction means he can't beat it on his own.

He will either need to accept that - and make different choices - or stay in denial and accept losing what he has.

It's really up to him.