To be a theist or atheist.

Hello everyone! I am currently confused whether I should be an atheist or a theist.
I am to keep my identity as a secret for this one.


Background- I belong to a religion that accepts atheism, tbh not many people know about this fact. I wish to keep my atheist thoughts as a secret from my relatives for a few years and I don't wish to hurt their emotions either.


Story- Before I was a victim of bullying, I believed in Gods, I never questioned the existence of the divine being (None of my family members did this and they still don't do.).
After going through the mental trauma of bullying, I started questioning the existence of God, though it wasn't very intense back then but nowadays it has become so intense that I feel that in a matter of few days I might start accepting atheism.

Warning = The following might trigger some theists.

Spoiler

My questions are like:

1) Why is there poverty, hunger, war, hate, r@!e and all wrongs in a world created by a perfect being? What can't the divine being cure it? (I read that some religions say it is because of karma and stuff)
2) If our punishment by God is decided then, why do I need to pray so much?
3) I can't see god, so why should I worship. I could worship the sun and other planets tho.

The second reason also made me question like a nihilist a few times.

---​

These days I still do pray(very less tho.) to God just because it makes me feel safe I guess and also because of some incidents that I have seen, that seem to prove some reasons that God exists.
But nowadays I feel that those incidents just occurred randomly or were just fluke, there was no involvement of the Supreme Being behind it's occurrence, this kind of reasoning makes me drift away from God and closer to atheism.

Other Reasonings-

I don't consider atheism as something wrong, but it makes me feel uneasy to become an atheist for some reason (probably because it will make me less safe etc.).
But at the same time I feel that if I become an atheist, I might become a person who will be more self dependent than before.


I really can't understand what to do in this situation, someone please guide me through this specific topic.

 

Be a seeker of truth. Do not seek happiness if it blocks you from getting truth. Do not seek pleasure of it clouds your vision of truth. There is only one truth. Many times it's better to do the searching for yourself rather than let others tell you everything. Use multiple sources. That's how I have gotten closer to the Truth.

 

I am thankful and grateful to each and everyone for answering this question.

I have decided to become an atheist. But I won't detach myself completely from the religion that I am made to follow, i.e. I will keep following it's good values. I take this decision because I feel that doing so would make me stop believing that some miracle can magically save me from the rat race that I currently am in, this would also make me self reliant and somewhat independent. I am doing this in a hope that I would become more hard working in the near future.
As many advised, I will look into other religions and learn the values from them and will try to implement them in my life.

Once again I thank you all for answering.
Peace.