To date, or wait.. That's my dilemma

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by pj97, Jan 2, 2019.

  1. pj97

    pj97 New Fapstronaut

    Hi all,

    I'm new to the NoFap community, and after reading numerous discussions on this forum, it's great to know i'm not alone with struggles I've encountered for years.

    Anyway, I'm a 34 year old male with an almost non-existent dating life. I'm a fairly introverted person, and do consider myself to be socially anxious, mainly around women. I feel this is somewhat due to my long term addiction to PMO in my late teens, where I generally avoided getting close to girls in high school. I have a good level of confidence with most aspects of life, and have always had great success with work and my career. The exception to this is a total lack of confidence with women and relationships.

    At around age 22, I got into a short relationship with woman I worked with. This was basically my first relationship. It was at this point that I realized I had an issue with not being able to perform sexually, which I know now was 'PIED' due to being stimulated primarily by porn/fetish thorough my teens, and not with real women. This left me with an even lower confidence to date women and get into relationships, and so have been single ever since. When I see attractive qualities in a woman, I'm very attracted to them in my mind, but don't have strong urges downstairs. This is quite the opposite with porn/fetish triggers.

    Now, I recently sent a happy birthday message on facebook to a girl I went to high school with 15 years ago. I admired this girl in school, as she had a farily reserved personality, like myself. As it turns out, we had a short convo on messenger and I basically found out that she is single. Based on a few subtle hints in her messages, she seemed interested. For a short period there, I was so excited by this, but then had my lack of confidence pull me back from continuing our convo. I basically indicated that it was great to hear from her, and that we would speak again soon.

    So this is the issue I currently have. To be able to get in a relationship with this girl very much excites me, but on the other hand, due to my minimal sexual experience and previous PIED issues, I just don't have the confidence sexually and don't know if i'll be able to perform. This really scares me.

    I started NoFap around 4 months ago, but have relapsed a few times, and my longest run has been around 30 days. I'm on the 2nd week of my current reboot, which I understand is only the beginning stages of any kind of recovery for my many years of PMO. I am, however, starting to feel some positive effects of NoFap (slightly increased confidence, reduced craving for porn and fetish material).

    So my dilemma is, should I push myself to break out of my comfort zone and contact her now, or wait till I'm further in my recovery and risk losing my opportunity with her?

    Any advise would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for the lengthy post.
  2. Drax07

    Drax07 Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    Im similar to your age, ill be 30 in 6 months and actually in a similar dilemma myself only that I rebooted several days ago and am really pledging for a true recovery this time. My issue isn't so much that I can't talk to girls, its I can't *connect* with them on a deeper level, I have a lot of dates with different women, but It's like i'm speed dating.Maybe I can't find a girl that I truly like, but deep down I think for me is due to desensitization and emotional withdrawal from prolonged use of porn/sexual tendencies even before my teens. Ive only ever had 1 long term relationship and after that ended, the porn really increased (that was early 2017).

    Sorry for hijacking, I just felt I should share.... Anyway for you, I would say contact her further, take that leap of faith and try, especially if you really like her. Remember you have more confidence than you actually may realize, just believe that you do. You're on a road to recovery and everyone is, in their own ways and issues as well.
  3. pj97

    pj97 New Fapstronaut

    Thanks for your reply and advice, Troy07. I suppose in ways we are in similar positions, with the main source being the very early exposure to porn. I realize now how vital the interaction with girls is during the teenage years. Those of us who replaced this with early porn use instead, have really screwed up the normal sexual function.

    I'm really battling the decision to give it a go or not at this early point in my recovery, as I know that it will not only really set me back if things don't go well, but will also be hurtful for her. This is made worse by me having a few relatives and friends that know her as well.

    As a side note, one thing that has made a definite improvement for me in gaining general confidence, has been physically getting into shape. I've been working out ever since starting NoFap, and I can honestly say it's made me feel much better about myself.
    Christian Fox and Drax07 like this.
  4. fapequalsdeath

    fapequalsdeath Fapstronaut

    Look, you're almost 40. You've waited enough.
    Clarke likes this.
  5. Clarke

    Clarke Fapstronaut

    Agreed. We think we have all the time in the world, but if he wants to have children the point of no return is about 40.
  6. NothingMoreNothingLess

    NothingMoreNothingLess Fapstronaut

    Do it man. Break out of that comfort zone, and trust me you will feel the rewards man. You'll get an adrenaline rush if you like this lady and make a move. For the love of God, do it man! Trust me! I want to get out of my computer screen, go to you and tell you to do it face to face. That's how much I want you to do it and I want you to be a happy man. You've got the confidence man, it's just the comfort zone is suppressing it. Release that energy and go get her!
  7. 27yearoldED

    27yearoldED Fapstronaut

    There's no point in waiting, go get it!
    Karimtolstoi likes this.
  8. Recovering PA

    Recovering PA Fapstronaut


    I am also in a similar situation to you with similar questions and the best i can come up with myself is ask her out but be honest from the start about your PIED. Perhaps to soften the blow suggest that you may have an intimate relationship as long as you do not recieve pleaseure to the point of orgasm until your reboot is complete, at least then she will be able to make an informed decision.

    Hope this helps
    pj97 likes this.
  9. pj97

    pj97 New Fapstronaut

    Thanks for the advice, guys. I suppose that just making the move and contacting her is the right thing to do. Letting her know about my issue would be an idea, even though it'd be hard for me to do. To be honest, having the confidence to get through first steps (making contact with her, possibly dating), doesn't feel like an issue to me. My crazy way of thinking however, is that if I feel that I will have an issue with PIED down the track once we get sexual, I can't bring myself to even make the first move. This is the reason I posted about my situation, as I felt that a decent period of time on NoFap would start reducing my PIED issues when with a real woman.
  10. Soccer14

    Soccer14 Fapstronaut

    Hi pj97,

    Thanks for this post. I am about the same age, 35, and have similar challenges. I think you have to consider to what extent you have a problem and are healed. If you're still not functioning properly sexually, personally, I would commit to healing before starting a relationship. If you jump into something, it is just going to delay the healing process. Do the hard work first. Dating will be much easier once you have made some progress. It's also much better to start a relationship with, "I have a problem with porn, but I haven't used it in x days/months/years" than, "I have a problem with porn that I'm working on."

    If you do decide to give the relationship a go, just be honest and patient through the challenges that will inevitably come up. Even if you do wait and heal more first, challenges will inevitably come up. So there is good reason to give it a try anyway...though personally, I think this is ultimately harder.

    Consider this paradigm: "Larger later vs. smaller sooner." This essentially means delated gratification. If we delay gratification and do the hard work it involves, we'll reap larger rewards (happier personal life, better partners, etc.). If we go after the smaller and sooner rewards, there will be more challenges and the rewards aren't as great.

    Also, consider your attachment to finding a relationship. It is attachments and cravings that make us suffer. If you decide that you HAVE to find a partner and HAVE to have kids, you will suffer if and when you don't. If you decide that you want these things, but you'll be happy even if you don't get them, you'll suffer much less.

    Best of luck, regardless of what you decide to do.
    pj97 and Drax07 like this.
  11. Drax07

    Drax07 Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    Love the paradigm. Exercising patience and restraint is key for healing.
    pj97 likes this.
  12. Limitbreaker

    Limitbreaker Fapstronaut

    Ok man.
    My advice for you is to man up: You will regret, having not tried to do something with her. If you say shes interested go for it! Life is not only about sex and if you are honest with her and she wants you then date her. Its not everything about sex. This is the real tragedy about porn! Its not the disgusting fetishes, its not the actresses or every other shit. Its, that we we only see sex in that person, but we do not see the person herself anymore!

    Please do it, you do not have to get out of your comfortzone. Be comfortable in yourself and invite her into your life. Fuck that shit with minimal sexual experiences and PIED. Do not compare to others! Even if you do not have sex, you will have a great time with her and thats in the end far more important and romantic than sex.

    And for the sex part: Tell her about it, if it does not work and enjoy touching, massaging. Take your time. Even if your PIED kicks in, do something unexpected: Nobody of those self acclaimed PIED experts ever came to the idea to tell someone like you to just put your not erected dick into her and have fun or simply let her play with your friend. I know this is graphic but come on! This is not porn and sex is not perfect, you dont need to nail her with a strong 12 hour erection till her vagina literally is set on fire. You do not know what happens! It can happen so many unexpected and lovely things....just tell your brain to shut down and love her like you would do.

    And fuck that 14 days or whatever the hell you mean. Go to her tell her you want to date her, you are interested in her and enjoy your time with her. Do not wait any day longer. Tell your fucking brain to shut the fuck up, because this motherfucker caused you enough problems in life, and feel your emotions and do it, tell her you invite her on a date
    EthanW., Christian Fox and pj97 like this.
  13. Nabaski

    Nabaski Fapstronaut

    Just go for it man! I mean, I got slightly more than half your age, but I would just call her and meet her somewhere, also talk her about your problems if you end up feeling like it's going to affect your relationship (never dated anyone, but at least it's what I feel that is the right thing to do)
    EthanW., Christian Fox and pj97 like this.
  14. pj97

    pj97 New Fapstronaut

    Thank you for the inspirational and motivating posts. There are different views on which way I should go about this. After really thinking about this and taking all this into account, I agree that waiting for a potential full 'reboot' could take a very long time, and would not be the best idea. That said, I can honestly say that I notice a definite change in how I feel and interact with people whenever I get to around the 3 week point of a reboot. Even though I am seeing benefits of quitting porn, I feel I'm just not ready right at this point. So I feel that I want to go a little further on my NoFap journey before making contact with her, and maybe achieve 60 days or so to better myself further. For some reason on this latest reboot attempt, I feel different. I don't have the urges to get back into the bad stuff, but also don't have the lethargic feelings that I normally would through a flatline. If I can continue this way, my confidence in a month or so will be at a much higher level than I originally started with. I am so determined to do this.
    Catch22 and Soccer14 like this.
  15. Limitbreaker

    Limitbreaker Fapstronaut

    Its your choice. From my experience i can just tell, the right moment never comes, you create the right moment whenever you want to do
    Catch22 likes this.
  16. The Wrestler

    The Wrestler Fapstronaut

    To be good at anything requires practice, and dating is no different. Go and practice! Seriously - go and try. If you succeed, great! If you fail spectacularly - awesome! There is something to learn there!

    You cannot fail practice, not really, as each "failure" become opportunity for fresh learning and new skills. It sounds like you're really getting ahead of yourself too - sending her a message and/or going for coffee is not sleeping with her and is not being in a long term relationship with her. You are nowhere near those steps, so pressuring yourself as if you are does you a disservice. Where you are is the messaging stage, and maybe soon the first coffee meetup stage. So, practice those things now. Building up the skills and confidence in talking to her and getting to know her will be the basis for things that come much, much further down the road. Dating is fun, so enjoy the thrill of sending those messages and waiting for the response! Have fun asking her questions about her life and what she likes!

    There is no such thing as a good moment, only less worse moments. So no sense waiting for a good moment to come along, best to dive in and practice it!
    wontwatchpornanymore and pj97 like this.
  17. Catch22

    Catch22 Fapstronaut

    Bravo, louder for the people in the back!

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