To Partners of Addicts

It's completely normal that you are going through some turbulence as you come out of this. It's natural that you aren't completely ready to trust him yet. Assuming he stays on the path of recovery, there are going to be bumps along the way for both of you. I would urge you to go find the journal of @Blondewife. She struggled a LOT with this process, but eventually made it through. You could learn a lot from her.

 

I'm with you @Rav70

I have some moment where something completely unrelated and random occurs, and I freak out. Best one yet was listening to the radio and a song set me off. It is starting to happen less and less for me. I think I am started to feel more secure in myself and my life, and this means I can handle more of life's ups and downs. I'm down to a once a week show, so better than it was but still some improvements to be made.

Hubby said it was very hard with me sometimes as I was very emotional. I see that. I also think that it is more pronounced as he is very unemotional due to the addiction. His emotions have been boxed up in different areas of his brain where he doesn't have to feel them. I meanwhile am the opposite, particularly at the moment where I am hurt, and my emotional state is very fragile.

I have also recently read the book non-violent communication and in there it explains we are responsible for our own feelings. We have control over them and we need to be mindful of them. Everytime I get a trigger now, I ask myself what caused it and what is behind setting me off. I analyse what it is that I am missing that makes me feel this way. Is it because I feel insecure, I am hurt, am I afraid of something happening? What can I then do to set myself up to address this feeling - do I need reassurance that hubby is not fapping, do I need to work on forgiveness for how he hurt me, etc. We need to own and be responsible for own own feelings, which is not easy.

As for the forum, I don't get set off very easily here but I am conscience to stay in certain sections, such as relationships. I'm not ready to read or face the rest.

 

In a word, YES! When my husband read your post, he pointed it out to me because what you wrote is exactly what I've described to him. ( He actually listens now when I talk- bonus)

When I read what other women are goin through, the years and years of unhappiness, loneliness, frustration, hurt, and perpetually feeling like I'm only a supporting character in my own life story comes flooding back. I felt that way for 17 years and have only NOT been feeling that way for a very, very short period of time. It was the skin I lived in. The resentment and anger always bubbling just below the surface......

Now, though, now I have hope TOO. So MOST of the time I now I feel the HOPE of what our new lives can be together and I'm enjoying the pleasure of his company.....

The periods of anger and resentment when I empathisize with what others are going through are still powerful though. They take my breath away with how strong they are. Which just shows me that they aren't totally gone and forgotten ....they are simmering away in my subconscious....and if he doesn't keep up his end of the bargain, they will be in his face like the fury of the storm of the century on an ocean taking down a tiny fishing boat.

I think it's good for him to see how much pain I still have in there....years and years of pain.....even if it's just for a minute. Because it's not directed at him....it's the old guy he WAS. It is a perpetual warning for him not to turn into that guy again. And I still need him to be a witness to the pain I've experienced at his hands....especially now that he's finally present and paying attention. Again, just for a minute or two.

 

Emotional maturity...working towards it myself

 

I swear it's like PTSD.

 

My husband and I had this very discussion last night, and we are only 4 days here! I noticed it yesterday. I spent a few hours reading stories, gaining knowledge, ideas, perspectives. As it was extremely helpful, I also in some regards felt as though I was getting constant reminders of all the negative behaviors that left me feeling anxious, sad, and angry. I was thinking, I need a break!! I need to decompress and turn everything off! I felt so drained....All in all, I expressed this to him and for obvious reasons, has his own worries about me going to that dark place having bad memories constantly in my mind as I read. But...we both agreed that it's probably going to happen whether I'm reading them or thinking them in silence with my eyes closed. Having the support with the negative flashbacks is looking like the better option for me. I guess, I'm going to try to realize that without the bad, we certainly wouldn't appreciate the good as much as we do....in that thought, it makes me feel more positive.