To Partners of Addicts

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Rav70, Feb 3, 2016.

  1. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

    So we came here looking for answers. For those whose partners are actively stopping MO and PMO we stick around to offer support to others going through this f'ed up mess.
    We see addicts talking about Triggers. I have triggers too. I can be feeling upbeat and my boyfriend and I are in a good place then I read something and it takes me back to how I felt in the beginning.
    I start to question everything and I feel terrible.
    He and I were talking last night and he said at first the forums were good but now it's hurting us when this happens and I totally agreed.
    He's making great progress our sex life is back on track. I'm not naive and think there's not a chance he might relapse but so far he's doing so good I see the difference.
    I feel like crap that I can flip like a switch reading something that was so familiar to what he had done.

    Anyone else get like this? Ahhhh!!!!
    MaKa, TheWife and WifeInTheDark like this.
  2. The Eleven

    The Eleven Fapstronaut

    It's completely normal that you are going through some turbulence as you come out of this. It's natural that you aren't completely ready to trust him yet. Assuming he stays on the path of recovery, there are going to be bumps along the way for both of you. I would urge you to go find the journal of @Blondewife. She struggled a LOT with this process, but eventually made it through. You could learn a lot from her.
    TheWife likes this.
  3. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

    I'm with you @Rav70

    I have some moment where something completely unrelated and random occurs, and I freak out. Best one yet was listening to the radio and a song set me off. It is starting to happen less and less for me. I think I am started to feel more secure in myself and my life, and this means I can handle more of life's ups and downs. I'm down to a once a week show, so better than it was but still some improvements to be made.

    Hubby said it was very hard with me sometimes as I was very emotional. I see that. I also think that it is more pronounced as he is very unemotional due to the addiction. His emotions have been boxed up in different areas of his brain where he doesn't have to feel them. I meanwhile am the opposite, particularly at the moment where I am hurt, and my emotional state is very fragile.

    I have also recently read the book non-violent communication and in there it explains we are responsible for our own feelings. We have control over them and we need to be mindful of them. Everytime I get a trigger now, I ask myself what caused it and what is behind setting me off. I analyse what it is that I am missing that makes me feel this way. Is it because I feel insecure, I am hurt, am I afraid of something happening? What can I then do to set myself up to address this feeling - do I need reassurance that hubby is not fapping, do I need to work on forgiveness for how he hurt me, etc. We need to own and be responsible for own own feelings, which is not easy.

    As for the forum, I don't get set off very easily here but I am conscience to stay in certain sections, such as relationships. I'm not ready to read or face the rest.
    zauvek, MaKa and WifeInTheDark like this.
  4. WifeInTheDark

    WifeInTheDark Fapstronaut

    In a word, YES! When my husband read your post, he pointed it out to me because what you wrote is exactly what I've described to him. ( He actually listens now when I talk- bonus)

    When I read what other women are goin through, the years and years of unhappiness, loneliness, frustration, hurt, and perpetually feeling like I'm only a supporting character in my own life story comes flooding back. I felt that way for 17 years and have only NOT been feeling that way for a very, very short period of time. It was the skin I lived in. The resentment and anger always bubbling just below the surface......

    Now, though, now I have hope TOO. So MOST of the time I now I feel the HOPE of what our new lives can be together and I'm enjoying the pleasure of his company.....

    The periods of anger and resentment when I empathisize with what others are going through are still powerful though. They take my breath away with how strong they are. Which just shows me that they aren't totally gone and forgotten ....they are simmering away in my subconscious....and if he doesn't keep up his end of the bargain, they will be in his face like the fury of the storm of the century on an ocean taking down a tiny fishing boat.

    I think it's good for him to see how much pain I still have in there....years and years of pain.....even if it's just for a minute. Because it's not directed at's the old guy he WAS. It is a perpetual warning for him not to turn into that guy again. And I still need him to be a witness to the pain I've experienced at his hands....especially now that he's finally present and paying attention. Again, just for a minute or two.
    MaKa, flash390, Rav70 and 2 others like this.
  5. Serial1

    Serial1 Fapstronaut

    Emotional maturity...working towards it myself
    Rav70 likes this.
  6. Chrissy

    Chrissy Fapstronaut

    I swear it's like PTSD.
    WifeInTheDark likes this.
  7. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

    My husband and I had this very discussion last night, and we are only 4 days here! I noticed it yesterday. I spent a few hours reading stories, gaining knowledge, ideas, perspectives. As it was extremely helpful, I also in some regards felt as though I was getting constant reminders of all the negative behaviors that left me feeling anxious, sad, and angry. I was thinking, I need a break!! I need to decompress and turn everything off! I felt so drained....All in all, I expressed this to him and for obvious reasons, has his own worries about me going to that dark place having bad memories constantly in my mind as I read. But...we both agreed that it's probably going to happen whether I'm reading them or thinking them in silence with my eyes closed. Having the support with the negative flashbacks is looking like the better option for me. I guess, I'm going to try to realize that without the bad, we certainly wouldn't appreciate the good as much as we that thought, it makes me feel more positive.
    WifeInTheDark likes this.

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