1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

Today I Opened Up To My Fiancé

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by 141:4-5, Sep 11, 2020.

Tags:
  1. 141:4-5

    141:4-5 Fapstronaut

    7
    14
    3
    Yesterday I opened up to my fiance. I've been addicted for about 10 years now... No one in my family has ever had any idea. I couldn't tell them... How could I tell them? The shame, the disgust, still convincing myself that none of it was happening and none of it was me.

    Meanwhile, my connection with God felt like it was getting weaker by the day. My connection with my fiance, always indirectly being hurt by the very thing that I convinced myself was not a part of me.

    Yesterday I prayed to God, because I was feeling so lost. I prayed to God to feel his presence again. I prayed to God to come back to me, because I felt abandoned. I picked up my devosional book for the first time in a long time. I opened to September 10, just hoping for a sign. My devotion came from Psalms 141:4-5

    "Do not let my heart be drawn to what is evil so that I take part in wicked deeds along with those who are evildoers; do not let me eat their delicacies. Let the righteous man strike me — that is a kindness; let him rebuke me — that is oil in my head." Psalms 141:4-5

    The devotion explains that that acts of evil will be appealing, and the fruits of their work against God will appear as delicacies. It explains to seek the rebuke of a rightous friend who will tell the truth. It says "place yourself in the company of rightous friends, family, mentors, and leaders who will invest in your spiritual health.

    I went to my fiance and told her that I need to talk. No, I had not lost my job, but I had lied to her. I let everything out. I explained to her that I've hidden this for 10 years. I can't hide this anymore. I can't enter a marriage based on a lie. If she wanted me to leave, I understood. If she didn't want to be with me, I understood. If at the very least, she wanted me to leave the room and stay on the couch, I understood.

    My fiance, showing more strength than I could imagine, said "no." That is not what she wanted. She loves me too much. She explained to me how hurt she was, but that we would get through this. Our trust had been shaken, but I understood.

    She told me to get dressed, and that we were headed to my parents house. I was immediately terrified. I had no intentions of telling my parents. I was fearful of how they would feel. The embarrassment, the shame. I told her that I didn't know if I could, but she said that if I was truly remorseful, and if I truly wanted to show that I wanted to be better, this was a step.

    I got dressed, and we drove there in silence. We got there and they asked me what was wrong. With my fiance next to me, I broke down. After some silence, my parents opened up to me about their own experience with addiction in our family, and among the world. They showed me that they loved me and were here for both of us. They understood that my fiance would be hurting, because of the very nature of this addiction. They showed us both kindness when I expected shame.

    They helped explain that they understood that at the very heart of all this, this was not sexual. The only person I loved, the only person I truly found attractive in all her ways, all her kindness, and all her being, is the love of my life, my fiance. But from the outside, I know how hard this is to understand. I can't imagine what she feels in this moment, and she doesn't deserve any of this.

    They pointed us to couples counseling. My fiance found a councilor in our town and I will be calling her today. We are going to be sponsored by a couple in our church for our marriage preparation, and we have talked about opening up to them about this. I just want to be better...

    We got home, and she told me that she needed to pray. I asked if I could pray with her, and she agreed. We nelt next to each other at the bed. I put my head down and prayed. She put her hand on my back, and I broke down again.

    Yesterday's I accepted that if we were meant to love and cherish each other, I needed to open the door that I wanted to lock away forever. Yesterday I accepted that my fiance would not have been wrong for never wanting to see me again. Yesterday I accepted that I need someone to hold me accountable, because I can not do this on my own. Yesterday I confirmed, that the love of my life loves me unconditionally, at my worst, at my weakest, and that if we can get through this, we will be together forever.
     
  2. Diderik

    Diderik Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    913
    3,961
    123
    Success to you! We are here for you, my friend. You made very courageous steps.
     
  3. Fighter0111

    Fighter0111 New Fapstronaut

    1
    4
    3
    Thanks for sharing your story. Its helpful
     

Share This Page