Today I start new.....

Oh boy, I can't believe I got to this point. Sometimes i look back and wonder how all this happened, how did i become addicted to compulsive masturbation and looking up hours and hours of pornography. How did i get tangled in a web of lying to myself and others, manipulating, cheating, hurting and so many more problems that i learn of everyday. How did this all happen? It all started with a girl. She came out of no where, she wasn't someone i googled or looked up, wasn't someone i jerked off to or paused and carried with me in my pocket. She was this tall beautiful, dirty blonde artistic and athletic, caring and loving, motivating and good person that I fell in love with and stayed away from my old addiction. But oh my did this anger it so much. I began having withdrawals, I spent nights wanting to hurt myself and others, doubting my sexuality and doubting my love for her. I cried, trembled, shook, sweated, was sick and so many other things. So i went to get help, started taking medication to ease the process in my head, discovered harsh OCD tendencies in my own brain I had been masking for years. Then wound up here, alone and cold in my own mind, doubting everything but proud to be one month and 2 weeks clean. Now I make love, not search it. Give to others and not just please myself. I combat urges with prayer and people. Most importantly I look to my left and right and carry someone along with me. I may not be perfect, but damnit i am not giving up. I will not fall. I will not lose. I will begin anew, and I will imagine and commit myself to a future without porn.

 

Currently I am in SA in my community at home, have 4 accountability partners, in the process of getting a sponsor and working the 12 steps!