Told Gf about porn addiction, did not go well

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by PatientOx, Jun 15, 2021.

  1. PatientOx

    PatientOx Fapstronaut

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    I’ve seen it suggested here on numerous occasions to tell you SO about the addiction you’re facing and your plans to better. No one should want to see you improve more than the most important person in your life right? Anyways I told my girlfriend about how I used to struggle with porn addiction and compulsive masturbating and how I’ve been really good throughout most of our relationship but that this past week I’ve fallen back into it again. I felt like I needed to tell her to get it off my chest, to be honest, and to have someone to stay strong for. When she heard I watched and masturbated to porn she took it very personal. Even talking about breaking up with me. I knew this would hurt her but I needed to talk to someone before it got too bad in my life again. She told me she thinks she’s not enough for me which is so far from the truth. She no longer trusts my attraction in her. How can I make this up to her? She’s the best girlfriend I’ve ever had and she’d never do anything to hurt me. She felt like she was being cheated on because of my porn usage. How can I begin to recover from this?
     
  2. Ekhangel

    Ekhangel Fapstronaut

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    How about you try explaining to her (if it in fact is true) that you weren't watching other females specifically, but rather males and females having sex together. I don't know about you, but whenever I watched porn in the past, I would pay equal attention to the "assets" of both male and female body (even though I'm 100% hetero and thoughts of homosexuality disgust me) and it was this "combination" that would give me the thrill. I would watch the act, not the people themselves so much.

    Try this with her, IF, and only IF it applies to you.

    I too have revealed my addiction to my former girlfriend in the past (years ago), and she also didn't seem appreciative of my honesty and happy about the news (the latter being understandable)...

    Try doing everything to boost her self-confidence and emphasize your attraction to her. But I'm not being Einstein (or Freud) here, am I.
     
  3. Ice22

    Ice22 Fapstronaut

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    I hate to say this but the truth is that you should never talk about personal problems with your girlfriend. It's the same for all of us. Including me because I've done that mistake. No one should talk about their personal problems with their GF / Wife because that's not how women work.

    Don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with the way you're thinking, that -she's my girlfriend, I should be able to share everything with her and she will support and help me through my problems´. But that's not what women are. Any personal problems or weaknesses you have should only be talked about with close male friends (or a professional male psychologist).

    1. Women take this very personal because they want to feel desired by their man. It's quite the same way the other way around.

    2. Women in general do not understand male sexuality or psychology and aren't interested in learning about them either.
    Instead women, especially modern women, are very self centered and it's only about them to the point they've become very narcissistic.

    3. Women are not programmed to understand men or to even feel empathy /sympathy for men, the way we do for them.

    4. Biologically women are wired to nurture, protect and feel empathy for babies /children. Pet animals like dogs and cats also triggers these instincts. But Women are not wired to feel that for a man. Her biology instinctively tells her to seek protection and support from a man. That's why women have hypergamy and always seek a better and more successful partner than her past ones.

    5. A woman expect you to give her 100% emotional support as well as financial support, etc. But at best she will give 20-25% back to you. Women don't really care about you. Just a little, but not for the reasons you may think. Women mostly (or only) care for what you can provide for them. That's why many women leave when you lose your job and your money.
    Only men are able to care for a woman for who they really are. Depressing? Yup, but it's true.

    6. Remember: she's your girlfriend, not your mother, and not your friend. This is very important to understand because many men think they can have a GF and a friend, and that's never the case. Do not fool yourself.

    7. Women use men's weaknesses against them to manipulate and to get what they want.
    Women can be very cruel sometimes. Talking about personal problems with a GF will most likely be a very bad mistake. It will backfire.

    This is kind of depressing but that's the way it is. Now, you've already revealed this problem to her so I suggest you do your best to make her understand, and tell her you've stopped watching P. If that doesn't work, try something esle.

    If things get worse no matter what you do, then leave her before she leaves you. If she's talking about breaking up, it's not good.
    I don't mean to sound harsh or anything I just want to help you avoid this recurring problem men have with women.

    Never let a woman control how you feel about yourself.
    Never put a woman on pedistal. If you put up a woman on a pedistal she will look down on you. If you treat her like a queen, she will look at you as her servant. If you treat her like a star, she will treat you as her fan. Do never seek validation from women. Ever.

     
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2021
  4. Ekhangel

    Ekhangel Fapstronaut

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    Have you considered submitting this excellent piece for editorial review at the Journal of Bro Science? By the way, I advise you to take cover and keep a low profile, because @Lilla_My is already arming herself to the teeth with defense arguments to restore the honour and dignity of the female race.
     
  5. Ice22

    Ice22 Fapstronaut

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    No I haven't. And I won't. I don't like keeping a low profile. It's impossible to speak up, share knowledge, personal stories, and to seek the truth without having someone feeling offended. I'm here to help PatientOx the best way I can. It's up to him to decide what to do but I will not censor myself just because someone might get angry of what I wrote. I stand for every word that I wrote. If you or anyone don't agree with me it's fine and I don't care. Life goes on.
     
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  6. Ekhangel

    Ekhangel Fapstronaut

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    Easy bro, this was just a dose of healthy sarcasm. But if you do in fact stand for every word you say in scientific terms (especially those claims of female brain being wired to this or that), then we are all in for an interesting exchange of thought. Not that I'm going to participate personally.
     
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  7. Ice22

    Ice22 Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, you have to simplify and to generalise because there is always a general (bigger) picture. I cannot talk about every single individual on this planet. And yeah the male and the female brain are wired differently that's a basic scientific fact. But our modern world are full of ideologies that doesn't care about facts anymore so debating about that is a waste of time. I have better things to do with my life!
    I'm on day 90 and I feel great. Take care!
     
  8. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Hahaha. I agree to a lot of this actually. Some of it is very on point. No woman wants to be their partners mother; we reserve that to our own babies and the odd animal. We wanna look up to and respect our partner. We don't wanna be his friend or a therapist either, at least not primarily. There is a place for a lot of empathy in most relationships, surprisingly much, but when a guy constantly lie and cheat we see him as weak and disgusting and starts to look elsewhere. I assume most men do the same if roles were reversed.

    Then again, I don't believe for a second that only women are selfish. Humans (women and men) are selfish for most part.

    The reason to tell your partner about porn addiction is NOT to receive a pat on the back. It's NOT going to turn your wife into your personal cheerleading squad, or therapist, or forgiving mother. She will never have that role, so please don't force it. In fact, she will probably dislike you more or less (although never nearly as much as if she discover it herself).

    The reason to tell her is so she will have a choice over her own life. It's really not about you, it's about wanting her best. It's incredibly selfish to keep someone in a rotten relationship without the other person knowing.

    "Bro science" is partly the reason why men get along so well with each other but fare rather poorly with women. There is a lot of real published, peer reviewed science about relationships that's a far better and reliable resource. Dr John Gottman or Ester Perel springs to mind.
     
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  9. Ekhangel

    Ekhangel Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, maybe all of this is true, but how about we, men and women, try to actually mesh together for once and show consideration for our mutual differences, trying to compensate for them? I mean, even if you females look for security and stability in us, you also need to understand that sometimes we're just not capable of some things without support at home, and if you insist on us dealing with things purely by ourselves, then be prepared to swap partners pretty often.

    If you take this approach, then don't feel sorry when we just don't give a damn about that wedding anniversary, because "our brains are wired" to go have a beer with a buddy on that day.
     
  10. Based. Well done
     
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  11. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Support, affection, empathy and love is all very possible. Go the relationship section and you will meet women who have stood by their husband's for years and years, having to step outside their own life to be able to deal with his.

    Nobody is implying that you should deal with anything yourself, far from it. There are tons of self help books, therapists who specializes in sexual addictions, couples counseling, wives and husband's on here that can give you insights on relationship questions, TED-talks, you name it.

    But you have to understand that you can't burn someone's life to the ground (your wife's) and then expect rainbows and sunshine, just because you begrudgingly decided to stop abusing her trust. What you ask from your spouse, is it fair to her? Have you ever asked her what hurt she is carrying because of your actions? If you bring empathy into the relationship first, then maybe you will be rewarded with her compassion. But to just sit and demand things from her that even most professionals wouldn't be able to give you is to set you both up for failure.

    I know you took the wedding anniversary as an example, but you seem to think there is a "you"-camp and a "her"-camp. Women and men aren't separate species, they are certainly not enemies in any way, and are perfectly able to get along and to love and empathize a great deal with each other. You seem very prepared to receive, but quite disinterested in giving, and right now, your partner may very well be in need of help too.
     
  12. Ekhangel

    Ekhangel Fapstronaut

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    Sure, if a man persistently fails his woman despite the received support and external treatment, then there's no excuse. I was talking about those merciless females who start talking about divorce or breakup at first sight of a porn website.
     
  13. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, a lot of poeple that don't know a thing about attraction is going to tell you this. Never tell your big sttruggles to your partner. You are her rock, her mountain. Woman don't want to know that you are weak. Every time you show her that you are weak she is going to react bad to it. He attraction for you is going to decrease. Porn addiction also is going to break her confidence and she can feel it like a betrayal no matter you don't feel that way.

    Yes, she what you to get even better than you are. But telling her that you have a big weakness is going to turn her down, to lower your value in her eyes.
    Keep your problems to your friends and family and work to solve them on your own.

    Yeah, this could happend. Some woman are going to be supportive but in all cases her attraction to you is going to be a lot lower. There's nothing positive in telling a woman this. Work to solve it on your own, no matter people and woman suggest you to tell them that.

    Is not up to her. Is up to you, get better for you and every person around you is going to benefit from your improvements. Tell her that you got this and that this is not going to happen anymore. Be a man, take responsability from your actions and get your shit together. Show her with your actions that you are not weak, that you are a man with a word that can be trusted. Take action and leave porn in the past.

    Next time you have a weakness or struggle keep it to yourself or share it with a professional. Be a rock, a mountain to your woman, not a weak guy that can't handle his problems.
     
  14. Anywherewithyou

    Anywherewithyou Fapstronaut

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    I find this exchange very interesting. I support my husband way more than he does me. He admits that he has little empathy - common among PAs. I would have done anything for some honesty from him. Instead he lied straight to my face and continued doing it. It would've gone a long way in my marriage. But maybe your girlfriend felt blindsided and had no idea about your addiction, therefore it was more shocking.

    You did the right thing by telling your girlfriend. It's still fresh in her head. You need to rebuild that trust, if you're committed to change. Accountability software like Covenant Eyes can give her some peace of mind. You being available to talk and answer her questions is also important for her healing in this. But like Lila said, honesty is also important so that she can make an informed decision about the relationship she is in.
     
  15. thegeneral

    thegeneral Fapstronaut

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    You will find that a lot of this RedPill stuff is not true once you meet a self-aware woman. Women do feel empathy, especially if they know that you are truly a good, strong man, but are having a hard time with something, which will inevitably happen sometime. It's not wrong to ask for support, but it is wrong to expect your girl to do the work for you, take care of you, and not take any initiative in your own life to solve your own problems, which should happen BEFORE you ask for support.

    You are right about the complaining tho. Bad idea to be a whiner or act like a complaining child in a relationship.
     
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2021
  16. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    I can't imagine how sad it must be to not be able to consider your partner a friend or to think she's giving only 20% of her heart or assuming your partner, who you choose to be with, is only listening to you or pretending to care so it can be used against you later.
     
  17. thegeneral

    thegeneral Fapstronaut

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    RedPill is a toxic movement, it's the opposite of modern feminism, and just as bad. There are good aspects of the redpill, like masculinity, purpose, confidence, outcome independence, but all this shit about women not feeling empathy, loving only what you can provide, not being able to truly love a man is just blown away by the massive group of women on this very site who have stood by their partners. Women who do what the redpill describes as "female nature" are emotionally immature women, with narcissistic, manipulative qualities, and probably some daddy issues sprinkled in there too. A mentally healthy, self-aware person does not act like that.

    Eventually, guys need to move past the redpill. Take what is good, leave all the bullshit that is making you negative behind. Women have surprised me with how much they care, as long as you put in the time and effort to improve yourself as a man.
     
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2021
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  18. Anywherewithyou

    Anywherewithyou Fapstronaut

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    I've never heard of this movement. I'll have to look this up. It does sound kind of like woman hating (and I'm not a feminist either).
     
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  19. thegeneral

    thegeneral Fapstronaut

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    It's not really about women hating, but more about how to deal with emotionally stunted girls who treat you like garbage. The mistake guys make is that they think that the redpill philosophy applies to emotionally healthy women as well.

    It's actually a really good movement insofar as that it teaches men the value of positive masculinity and purpose, as well as self-respect. It gets toxic when guys ae unable to sift through the bullshit it teaches, like women are incapable of feeling empathy towards a man. A lot of redpill teaching is not healthy and very negative towards healthy relationships.

    As I said, its about taking the good it teaches, and moving on from it. Diving deeper and deeper into redpill philosophy is a one way ticket to becoming an incel and despising women.
     
  20. thegeneral

    thegeneral Fapstronaut

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    Hard facts in this video. Love alexander grace. Learned a fuck ton from his channel over the years.
     

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