Told Gf about porn addiction, did not go well

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by PatientOx, Jun 15, 2021.

  1. BrokenHeart 2

    BrokenHeart 2 Fapstronaut

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    Hello I'm a partner. Im glad you were honest with her. But unfortunately it's a no win situation. If you would have lied and she found out as I did it would have been no better. Maybe if she leaves it won't be so bad. I don't think porn addicts should work on it while they are with someone because seeing y'all go through that will just make us feel like you're not attracted to us as much as you say you are. So while you're struggling with porn addiction you're hurting her. More than likely she'll stay. But it might be healthier to take a break while you go through this because it can really damage the relationship. She might be hypersensitive after this. She might question herself. But if you're staying together please give it up...the pmo. The way for you to make it up to her is to not keep making her go through the same hurt over and over again. Imagine if someone cheated on you that's probably how she feels right now. Kudos for being honest and for working on it. It's just hard for us not to take it personal. No matter how much I read I still think I should have been enough for him to this day. It is very hard.
     
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2021
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  2. sancus

    sancus Fapstronaut

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    firstly i think it shows a lot of courage that you told her, and i think it was the right thing to do despite how hard it was and the aftermath. telling the truth is necessary in a relationship, but you can't control how someone will react to what you've said. i would strongly recommend you go onto the significant other support forum on this site and read some of those posts. it may be hard to see things from your gf's perspective because of how you feel about her, but i think hearing from other partners would be beneficial in understanding why she's feeling the way she is. that way you can find the best ways in which you can support her and make her feel loved. most importantly, you cannot get frustrated/upset with her for feeling this way. just as your recovery from PMO will be difficult, her journey of healing from this information will be difficult too. try to be compassionate and patient with both yourself and her.
     
  3. sancus

    sancus Fapstronaut

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    this is the absolute dumbest shit i've ever read. good luck with this toxic and inaccurate mindset.
     
  4. BlueSheep

    BlueSheep Fapstronaut

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    In absolutely no way can I find myself in the posts saying "you should never open up to your SO". Portraying it as being the truth is also very misleading, no matter your own experience.

    What OP has to be said is that he did an absolutely good job in telling his SO. I'm proud you did so! No matter her first response, you opened up. You paved the way for transparency and honesty in your relationship. Don't let her first reaction hold that back or make you fall back into your old habits.

    It is paramount that you at least try to place yourself in your SO's shoes, though I know it's hard at that point. You just told her a big secret you kept for some time and are really struggling with this.
    On the other hand: how would you feel after being told your SO turns to pornographic images from time to time and masturbate to them? And that this may have been going on for a while without her knowing? I can imagine she feels being left out (she had no idea you went through this). It might make her sad and angry at the same time. Maybe she wanted be there to help you? Maybe in some way she indeed feels cheated on?

    Best you can do is tell her that you understand how she might feel and that you give her time to get to grips with it. You might also explain that you are struggling and need her by your side.

    Just keep that transparency. That goes for your feelings as well. Keep that dialogue open, don't harden up and fall back into keeping secrets. This might just be the opportunity to get your relationship to a higher level!

    Hit me up if you need any help. I'm in a relationship too (married) and got a bit of the same reponse from my SO. We're going through this together now.
    Send me a PM if you need an Accountability Partner to talk to ;-)
     
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2021
  5. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Seems a little pretentious, don't you think? What entitles you to more than one chance? She doesn't owe you anything. You seem to think that the betrayed partner is to blame for loving herself enough to not allow herself to continually be abused. Yet you want to be applauded for not being faithful because it was only once, that she knows of.
     
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2021
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  6. Rehab101

    Rehab101 Fapstronaut

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    I think having a good guy friend to talk about is better. It is hard to have female to understand our struggles. You need someone with a dick to understand.
     
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  7. Ekhangel

    Ekhangel Fapstronaut

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    Uhm...

    1. We should forgive each other for wrongdoings (because we're humans, not cruel beasts), and I don't think watching porn is such a terrible wrongdoing that it can't be forgiven. This is not to say it should be accepted. It should indeed be absolutely unacceptable - but not unforgivable. We're in the 21st century where porn is at every corner; porn is on billboards; porn is on posters; porn is in TV commercials; porn is on the streets (****-dressing girls). So wake the hell up: we live in a porn society, so don't act soooo surprised when your partner happens to be watching porn. Especially given the appaling porn watching statistics that every somewhat educated person should know. I tell you what girls: if you ever bought sexy lingerie for your partner (as sold in sex stores), if you ever gave your partner a blowjob, if you ever "talked dirty" during sex, then don't act surprised, because you're basically trying hard to be a porn star. And porn stars are replaceable. Devoted wives aren't. I mean, technically they are, but replacing them is very difficult once you establish a solid spiritual and real-world (kids, mortgage etc.) relationship.

    2. Who said the betrayed partner is to blame for anything? This is nonsensical implication. I explicitly said that if the abuse is continuous and there is no improvement, then screw the perpetrator and goodbye.

    3. I don't want to be applauded for anything. Stop referring to myself in anything you write, because I actually don't watch porn (I did in the past).
     
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2021
  8. Retentionman

    Retentionman Fapstronaut

  9. Anywherewithyou

    Anywherewithyou Fapstronaut

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    While I agree a married couple should attempt to remediate PA, this quote is a bit much. So if my husband asks for any of these behaviors above, that means I'm trying to be a porn star, or...? And that definitely smells of victim blaming. It should be expected that a husband or boyfriend be faithful both physically and mentally. And it is shocking for women when their SO hides the addiction so well.
     
  10. Ekhangel

    Ekhangel Fapstronaut

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    If he asks, then first: he has the "porn mind" and second: you are consenting and thus not doing anything about it. You are both to blame if things go wrong in your relationship, but IMHO he is more to blame because he asked first. If you offer first, then - well, finish that sentence yourself.

    The quintessence of porn is intercourse devoid of emotional intimacy. The more "dirty" elements in it, the less emotional closeness.
     
  11. Anywherewithyou

    Anywherewithyou Fapstronaut

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    I don't believe any of those behaviors are exclusive to porn though. Oral sex has existed long before pornography as we know it. I did not equate those behaviors to porn until it was too late. But I can see a connection now. Still not my fault if I oblige to appease my husband sexually, without realizing the "beast" I'm feeding. But, I do agree with your final statement for sure "The quintessence of porn is intercourse devoid of emotional intimacy. The more "dirty" elements in it, the less emotional closeness." I feel this a lot now, after discovering my husband's PA. I strive for connection above anything else now. Would you, as a man, say that oral sex is a Psub?
     
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  12. Ekhangel

    Ekhangel Fapstronaut

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    Yes, and sex without emotional intimacy in general has existed on this planet since the beginning of mankind! The emotional bond you feel during intercourse stems from the fact that you're a human and have a developed mind and soul. Depriving sex of this feeling is bringing humanity back to stone age.

    With regards to oral sex all I can say is that I'd practice it with my previous partner (the relationship turned out to be a complete disaster due to her vile infidelity), and my current wife of 5 years would never really want to do it. I didn't understand at first, but I do now: she just doesn't want to feel like a porn star, she wants to feel like a wife. She wants to be "up close" not "down there" because there is no emotions "down there". I too have stopped asking long ago, and the thought alone has started to repulse me, even though I used to enjoy it many years ago. But that's exactly how progressing desensitisation works with exposure to frequent and varying sexual stimuli. The more you do it, the more things you crave and the more often you want it - it's that obvious.
     
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2021
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  13. Anywherewithyou

    Anywherewithyou Fapstronaut

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    I'm glad to hear this for your relationship. Your words ring true and have provoked some introspection on my part. I too have avoided it with my husband due to religious beliefs and a lack of connection. It didn't stop him from wanting it though. I do wonder if he can reach the point that you are at after maintaining a good distance from porn.

    Sorry to sidetrack the discussion OP.
     
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  14. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Sadly, that's probably not up to you to decide. She is the judge and the jury in her own life. What's unacceptable to her might be acceptable to someone else. Ultimately, she has the prerogative to set her own boundaries, which she did.

    Forgiveness is usually not the problem. Loss of respect and trust tends to be a much bigger issue.

    Trying hard to make the most of monogamous sex is more like it... Is there anything wrong with having dirty consensual sex in your view?

    No one is the slightest bit surprised. Only if he says "oh I would NEVER watch anything like that, it doesn't turn me on, I'm not like other men, it's so immoral bla bla bla..." you would be surprised how many men talk like that and then wander off to the bathroom. Guys should just admit to it, and then the woman can do as she pleases.
     
  15. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    What? There's 100% a difference between a couple trying to keep things fresh, be attractive, experiment, etc in the bedroom and trying to be a porn star. Devoted wives care about their husband, and devotes husbands care about their wives. Sometimes this means having fun and being a little "dirty" in the bedroom. Don't shame women for expressing their sexuality. They're not trying to be porn stars, they're trying to enjoy themselves.

    If the couple hasn't had a talk about porn = cheating then going straight to divorce at a first discovery is a bit of an overkill. Being mad, angry, betrayed, and other emotions make perfect sense. However holding someone to a standard they don't know about, and pulling the nuclear option is going 0-60 very quickly.
     
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  16. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    It's not any more of an overkill than the presumption that looking at other women is perfectly fine without having a discussion about it.
     
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  17. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    You don't get to decide what you are forgiven for. That is not your call. Betrayal for some is unforgiveable. It is the victim who decides when, what, or if they forgive their perpetrator.

    You rationalize porn use because it's everywhere, in your words. Spoken like a true gaslighter.

    But I like the attitude. It definitely shows your true colors.
     
  18. Ekhangel

    Ekhangel Fapstronaut

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    Ok, one be one:

    1. It's not for me to decide, yes. So what? It's also not for me to decide whether a criminal will get a capital punishment, and I can still voice my opinion. I can obviously agree that the lying and no signs of improvement can be painful, and if that's where the main focus is, then I absolutely agree that ruthlesness is mandated here.

    2. Promiscuity in general tends to escalate, it's obvious. Sure, some couples set some standards and boundaries, like "I'll never consent to threesome" etc. But the tendency is for separating the intimate/emotional and purely physical spheres of intercourse more and more. And those two should be always in accord if the relationship is supposed to be stable. Otherwise, if the separation occurs, the physical release will remain a need that can be satisfied in many ways, not necessarily through intercourse with the SO. So I emphasize once again the need to explicitly set boundaries. Because if you act like a porn star - even unintentionally - and have wild sex every day - then don't be surprised that the Coolidge effect will kick in eventually. Promiscuity, like every vice, has escalatory tendendcies.

    3. Am I "rationalizing" porn use? Well, I'm trying to deduce where this comes from. And the answer seems clear: from the oversexualized society we live in. So, if you dress like a ****, if you watch females on TV dressing like sluts and doing butt dancing, if you watch TV series that can't go 10 minutes without someone having sex, if you allow "sexual education" into schools, then yes - the "rationale" behind porn use is that porn is everywhere and thus it is used, because people are weak and there is little to keep them in check. Just like McDonald's - it's everywhere, easy to access and thus consumed more often than it objectively should. It's your call whether you find all those things socially acceptable or not, but again: don't act surprised. And if you're not surprised, then don't be butthurt, because this was perfectly expected. Am I shaming women? I am, indeed. But I am equally shaming men for giving in to the filthy temptations. It's not a man vs. woman thing at all - it's promiscuity vs. chastity, filth vs. purity, physical closeness with spiritual connection vs. rough fucking with a numb soul.

    Now, if you wish to accuse me of not knowing how it feels to be on the other side, I'll tell you this: the previous partner I've been with cheated on me in a very bad way. Your partners watching porn occasionally is probably nothing compared to what she did, but I don't want to get into details. Still, as you can imagine I made "quite a fuss" about it and we rather quickly broke up. But I couldn't get over her for some time and we actually had sex once afterwards, where I was pushing her into it and I had even bought her some clothes to encourage her. I was literally obsessed with sex at that time and I was hardly having any sense of self-respect, which deeply saddens me now. Anyway, the point is that we had been having sex very often and our spiritual connection - if there ever was any - was just completely lost inbetween.

    Why do you think one of the major categories of late on any porn website is "sissy", "cheating" etc.? Because this is what turns people on. Why does it turn them on? Because it feeds the sex beast inside them - it doesn't matter when, where, how or with whom you do it; what matters is that you score, even at the cost of violating moral principles that are the underlying rules of our society. The violation of principles is what excites. The forbidden fruit.
     
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2021
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  19. I don't agree that the "tendency" is to separate the emotional and physical parts unless you're a PA or you're not committed to the relationship. I believe most SO's here are trying to connect those things more.

    Having wild sex with one's husband everyday does not mean you're acting like a porn star, intentional or not. Are you saying that, if a couple has boring, plain sex less frequently than daily, then the Coolidge effect will never be an issue?

    Yes, society is highly sexualized, but each person is still able to keep themselves in check as long as they choose to because that's more important to them than blaming their choices on society and their wife for trying to keep their sex life exciting. It seems you want to place blame everywhere except the one place it should be which is on the person making the choices in the first place. It is not "perfectly expected" that your husband will not remain faithful to your marriage regardless of whether you have wild and frequent sex or occasional and boring sex.

    What boundaries could be set that would counter all the reasons why only society, not the individual, is to blame for a person's choices? If it's expected that you can't be faithful because your wife is willing to have wild daily sex, then in what scenario can loyalty to your wife be expected?
     
  20. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    everyone has a right to their own boundaries. I'm just saying if I believed my wife using a toy on her own to be cheating, but never told her, and then threatened to divorce her because i found a vibrator, one she probably used before meeting me as well, i think my friends would tell me to take a breath and have a conversation. Now if after that conversation things didn't change, it's a different story - to me. again, everyone can have their own boundaries and lines and expectations.
     

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