Told Gf about porn addiction, did not go well

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by PatientOx, Jun 15, 2021.

  1. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    This made no sense to me at all (especially since the so called Coolidge effect is even more pronounced among women than men) until I realized that this is the reasoning of someone with a madonna-***** complex.

    You expect bad outcomes for women with a certain way of expressing themselves sexually. You also expect them to directly or indirectly be responsible for all misfortune that might befall them. It's not unlike a wife beater, who says "well, if she had just remembered to buy ice cream to me while in the store, she wouldn't have been kicked, now would she?"
     
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  2. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    If you're too sexual, your man will go to porn. However, if you're not sexual enough, your man will go to porn.

    makes sense....
     
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  3. Ekhangel

    Ekhangel Fapstronaut

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    Well, he should never go to porn, that’s rule #1. I’m just trying to set forth here some behavioural mechanisms that lead to men using porn. It’s a matter of “approach to sexuality” that both sides of the relationship should display. It’s nothing new really… It’s been here since at least Jesus Christ I guess. Just don’t overfuck is all.

    1. Oh, give me a break. Beating the monkey at the shower might also be called “expressing yourself sexually”. And if some wife objects by saying that she isn’t involved in the process and she should be, the man can always say “don’t worry honey, I was fantasing about you." This will be pretty much equivalent to having sex without spiritual involvement. Ask yourself how many times you've heard of women forcing themselves to make love or imagining they're doing it with someone else? If some women commit to things like that, or if they themselves drift off very far from the “missionary” in an attempt to satisfy some perversions of their own or their husbands’ (the latter being more frequently the case), then this is basically opening the door to promiscuity i.e. eventually PA. Let’s face it: you’re not always going to be there to satisfy your husband’s cravings. You can get sick, get pregnant, or just get old. So don’t allow your men to get used to a “guaranteed sexual release because it’s my duty no matter what”. And when you have sexual urges yourself, then remember that restraint and moderation should not only be exercised by men, but women also. I know that traditionally it was men who would want more of it and women who would usually push themselves into it out of a sense of duty, but times are obviously changing as we speak and women are trying really hard to get into men’s shoes, which raises many issues.

    Also, where did I say women are solely responsible for everything? It’s clear who the offender is in this case - the wanker. Just bear in mind the times we live in and your approach to intercourse (spiritual involvement vs. allowing him to basically masturbate inside your body).
     
  4. BetterMeandI

    BetterMeandI Fapstronaut

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    Interesting back and forth in this section, lol.

    I agree, don't expect a woman to understand ANY of your problems. Learned that the hard way.

    Though it is interesting, relationships are useless nowadays. If she is not forgiving and already speaking about breaking up, don't go heaven and beyond to try to convince her otherwise. I'd say, kick her to the curb, you can find a replacement.
     
  5. BetterMeandI

    BetterMeandI Fapstronaut

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    Pleasuring your partner would be considered trying to be a pornstar? Strange logic.
    Yes, some sex acts were discovered by people by watching porn, I am pretty sure oral sex and a lot of other positions were not invented by the porn industry though?
    But sure, go have your missionary sex by all means :D
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 30, 2021
  6. Ekhangel

    Ekhangel Fapstronaut

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    I've heard about marriages being useless (bullshit), but RELATIONSHIPS? I need to get off this site ASAP.
     
  7. PatientOx

    PatientOx Fapstronaut

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    Bruh, I appreciate everyone’s input but I must say I disagree with you. I believe a successful relationship requires two people who are willing to work through issues, and differences and stay together even when it’s tough as long as the relationship is viable and net positive. She didn’t actually break up with me she was just very hurt. It took some work on my part to comfort her and assure her this wasn’t about her and my love for her has not changed, and some work on her part to try to understand where I’m coming from and work past her pain and insecurities to be there for me. In the end we came out of this situation on the other side having grown as a couple. For however stressful it was on both of us at the time I’m glad I said what I said. It shows the kind of woman she is to try and be understanding when I've made such a selfish decision. If you do genuinely believe relationships are useless and people replaceable, you are missing out on a companion who can offer you support and compassion even when you don’t deserve it.
     
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  8. PatientOx

    PatientOx Fapstronaut

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    I really appreciate your response! It took a lot of work for me to put myself on her shoes and be patient with the pain and insecurity I had caused her but I’m glad I did. She put in that same work to work past her pain and continue to be my biggest supporter. We are still working past the issue but I don’t regret telling her for one second. Our relationship has always been strongest when we are telling each other the complete truth about everything.
     
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  9. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    So you're saying I need to inform my husband that he shouldn't attemt to be good in bed or do any fun stuff with me, or I will likely go after other men's dicks? If we both just lay there like corpses, will we be safe from porn addiction then?
     
  10. BetterMeandI

    BetterMeandI Fapstronaut

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    Well you know what I mean, it is not completely useless. Of course relationships have their benefits. But navigating the dating world in modern times? Jesus Christ, there are better things to do like working on yourself, your body, and your career.

    But yes, since you are in a relationship I can understand you trying to make it work. I am not a big fan of "begging" someone to stay when they already made a decision to break things off though. And well, through everything, the only people who were truly there for me and supporting me was my family.
     
  11. Ekhangel

    Ekhangel Fapstronaut

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    Nobody should ever cheat or watch porn, under any circumstances. This doesn't mean, however, that there are no factors contributing to the possibility of committing moral offences. And promoting promiscuity and spiritual detachment are obviously such factors for (potential) porn addicts (whereas pretty much everyone is a potential porn addict these days). If you're looking for golden rules for having a successfull and absolutely secure relationship, then obviously I can't provide you with one (since those rules don't exist). All I'm saying is if you're desperately trying to "keep it hot" in the bedroom by constantly trying new things (which in our times brings relationships to absurd places, like threesomes, BSDM etc.) and doing it as often as possible instead of taking a rest / reducing the frequency to recover from the inevitable desensitisation, then don't be surprised when things spiral out of control for him. Then you will be the one crying how "you tried everything to satisfy him". You tried too hard!

    And it doesn't really matter who's to blame here. Technically the offender is always the one who commits the crime with his own hands. If a child raised in a horribly violent family murders someone after turning eighteen, then he is solely responsible under law. Noone will be bringing his dysfunctional parents to court if they weren't directly involved. But that doesn't mean they shouldn't reflect upon themselves, if there is in fact anything to blame them for.
     
  12. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Look, the average woman on here doesn't have a clue about swinger parties, threesomes or bdsm. Most of what we know about those things, we have found out from PAs on here. The obsession with interracial stuff, incest, weird outfits and blow jobs isn't coming from a housewife trying to keep it "fresh", but from porn obsessed men.

    Us women are supposed to be madonnas, completely uninterested in sex. That way we can be further blamed for our lack of interest so our spouses can justify cheating and pornography. We are too boring in bed = porn. We are to tempting in bed = porn. We don't have big tits = big tit porn. We do have big tits = small tit porn. We are white = black women porn. We are black = Asian women porn. We have a vagina = shemale porn. There is nothing and no one a woman can do or be without being seen as the "cause" for supposedly monogamous men's debauchery. But you know what? It isn't us. It isn't this "oversexual world". It's YOU. It's YOU that can't keep it together.
     
  13. Ekhangel

    Ekhangel Fapstronaut

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    No, that's bullshit. It's the "world" in general. It's not "you" only or "me" only. I can (and should) take responsibility for my actions and admit the guilt, but I will never admit that I am the sole source of all evil in the world and all the wrongdoings I have committed have nothing to do with what I've been exposed to in my life's history.

    This discussion is boiling down to the classic "rape victim shaming" dilemma. Yes, the woman shouldn't have dressed like a ****. But no, that doesn't mean she's responsible for the rape because she dressed like it. The rapist should be hanged, period. You women need to learn to compartmentalize things and perceive the world in somewhat more abstract terms rather than through your own butthurt-vision.
     
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2021
  14. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    I live in the same world as you.

    Who said you were? You are responsible for hurting your spouse. That's what we are discussing here. Unless you take 100% responsibility for that, no ifs, no buts, no derailing from the subject, she will never forgive you completely, she will never commend you. She will view you as a little useless shrimp.

    No one, but you, is butthurt here.
     
  15. Ekhangel

    Ekhangel Fapstronaut

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    Great, I have no problem with that. And no man should. In fact, 99% of the confessions I've seen here seem to confirm that men generally have no problem with admitting their guilt.
     
  16. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Who are you to judge what she is dressed like? And why do you feel you have the right to decide if she should or shouldn't? What someone else wears is absolutely none of your business.
     
  17. BetterMeandI

    BetterMeandI Fapstronaut

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    I don't know, but from your reaction, it is quite an emotional one, so with throwing out shaming language, you are definitely the butthurt one here lol. I feel bad for your husband with such a combative wife, smh.
     
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  18. BetterMeandI

    BetterMeandI Fapstronaut

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    You stopped reading at that sentence? Read his full post mate, I think he explains himself. We have to navigate the world and see it for what it is, it's dangerous. Should people rape, steal and kill? HELL NO. But you know what, we cannot stop people from doing evil so everyone needs to protect themselves. It's not a woman's fault for dressing a certain way. People should just be careful since there are bad people with bad intentions.
     
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  19. Anywherewithyou

    Anywherewithyou Fapstronaut

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    I think he has a right to an opinion on how a woman dresses. I do think that with the prevalence of PA, we need to remember that men are wired visually. A person can dress how they will dress. But it isn't always prudent to wear provocative clothing. Neither is it easy for a man to have custody of his eyes when there are triggers everywhere. I find it unfortunate that fashion is at times on par with porn with how it stimulates the imagination.
     
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  20. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Men are no more wired visually than women are. Everything you just said are excuses for men's poor bahavior and fodder for men to release responsibility for self control.
     
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