Told The Wife

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Dawkin, Sep 25, 2015.

  1. Dawkin

    Dawkin Fapstronaut

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    Been struggling with this like many my age(early 30's) for over a decade. I've made wonderful progress though and can go stretches of a month and even a little longer but still always find myself stumbling back whenever something like an argument arises at home or just having a "bad day".

    For years I've told no one. I mean c'mon. It's embarrassing right?? You will be viewed as strange right? That's why it's done in secret and everyone erases their browser history afterwards. Actually I told one of the older men in my place of worship a while ago and it was a huge relief. He was understanding and encouraging but that wasn't enough to help me overcome it.

    Been married 5+ years and we've had some rough arguments recently with the birth of our first child. Decided to do the hardest thing ever I thought, which is tell my wife yesterday. Was very hesitant.

    Would she be angry? Would she judge me? Would she view me as less of a man? Would she view me as weak and unloyal? Sick and dirty?

    Actually it was the exact opposite. She was caring and sympathetic and was glad I told her and sad that I had been struggling with this for so long without her knowing so that she couldn't support me. She definitely understood why this is such a temptation and wants us both to support and help each other through anything.

    This was a huge relief and what I feel, the most monumental step to success. Even she knows and told me change doesn't happen overnight and we may continue to stumble at times but she can now help me and be more conscious because she is aware of how big a problem this is with all types of people.

    So, for all of you reading, I was just like you. Keeping it in for years. Tell your spouse. I expected mine to act totally different than what she did. However, they will be relieved and glad that you've shared something so deep and hard to tell they will actually be proud of you for wanting to change. The will think of you as MORE of a man for being open, not less. And you never know, most likely they will tell you something they are struggling with internally. We are all imperfect people and "miss the mark" frequently, yet we are not hopeless and don't have to give up.

    Tell someone. It is the best thing you will ever do. The feeling of a burden being lifted off of you can't be described. Accountability and being open with someone especially your spouse or a parent is the ONLY way you can begin to make progress. Keeping this in will just eat you alive inside out. You will continue to make the same promises and resolutions and will eventually break them. You are always your own worst enemy. You CANNOT be accountable to yourself. You will stay clean for a couple days, a few days, weeks maybe months but eventually you will fall again because know one knows but you.

    Before you make another resolution to begin a clean streak, open up to someone especially your spouse.
     
  2. C0)))

    C0))) Fapstronaut

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    That's incredible! Good for you for opening up like that to your spouse. Unfortunately for me, I waited too long until my significant other discovered my secret in a way that angered her. It's been a long process having to admit and explain myself to her in a way where I admit fault for my decisions but at the same time try and get her to understand the addiction and my past which lead to all of this.
     
  3. RichardCory

    RichardCory Fapstronaut

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    It takes a great deal of courage and character to open up to your spouse about something like this. PMO is so inconsistent and out-of-character relative to the face that we show the outside world. No one in my "real world" what guess that I am struggling with anything, much less this. Everyone around me expects me to be okay, perhaps just takes for granted that I am okay. Hence, the screen name ...

    I am not yet where you are. My wife of 20+ years is almost my closest friend, and she is definitely the only person with whom I would trust such a personal and embarrassing matter like this. I am not sure her reaction would be the same as your wife though ... And I am not sure I am ready to take that step either.
     
  4. Traci

    Traci Fapstronaut

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    I think you did the right thing. Congratulations.

    I recently confided in my wife and told her about my addiction. I asked her for help and she gladly agreed to be whatever help she could be. I had expected a different reaction but she responded in a very loving and understanding way.

    Best of luck.

    Traci
     
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  5. MadHatter

    MadHatter Fapstronaut

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    good for you! Great post!
    Opening up to my own wife was probably one of the most difficult and most rewarding things I have ever done.
     
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