Tolerance and fetishes

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Alice42, Jan 25, 2018.

  1. Alice42

    Alice42 Fapstronaut

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    On the matter of tolerance and developed fetishes..

    My SO has been involved in PMO since a very young age and is now 37. He says that his P use increased drastically during his first marriage when he was being denied sex. That was about 10-12 years ago. He was also sexually abused by a male family member as a child and had a very unattached mother and was basically abandoned by his father at a young age.

    I have asked him what type of porn he watched. I don’t know if this is something I should even know but it has plagued my thoughts tremendously. He says that he’s never been into anything “weird”, just the “normal stuff”. He says that he has no fetishes and basically that he has not built a tolerance and the vanilla stuff still does just fine for him. Obviously I find this hard to believe or accept. I don’t know why really that I need to know this. Probably bc I feel like he’s hiding something.

    He has lied multiple times and has broken my trust on several occasions. If I ask to talk about PA he gets mad and defensive and it always ends in a fight and most of the time him threatening suicide. I think these are avoidance mechanisms which again make me feel like he’s keeping some major problems from me.

    I have wondered a lot about shemale porn and also HOCD. He definitely fits a lot of what I read. I once found him reading a message from a friend of his who is transsexual. When I asked about it he lied for days until he finally told me who it was and blew it off and said it was nothing. I found lube in his house, which I do understand he could have been using to masturbate. I have also found signs that he is anal masturbating.

    I don’t know if I’m overthinking or questioning too much. I just feel like things would be progressing more positively if he were more open and we could talk about things without a fight
     
  2. Veritable

    Veritable Fapstronaut

    This is the first time I have spoken out on a forum like this on this topic. But I feel like I should because I have experienced the same things as a porn addict/sex addict.

    My porn habits and online chatting did turn to transsexual at some point. I was watching porn of ladies (who were still very feminine and just happened to have a penis) has sex, and I was chatting with a couple people on Reddit who identified as transsexual, and I did indeed talk about it, was aroused by it, enjoyed their pictures, etc.

    The escalation is very real and I find it hard to believe that any man who has watched porn for that long of a period of time would not escalate somehow. For myself, I was always obsessed with anal, and actively seeked and sought out porn of that nature. It gradually became more and more dominating, hardcore, and often went down the road where the woman performing was in pain, or having a hard time of it, or being forced to do it. It was a path I went down that both disturbed and aroused me at the same time. I'd hazard a guess as to say that he is probably feeling the same way. Disgusted at himself for letting his fetish get this far, but still craving more and more.

    I am sorry that he is fighting you on opening up about it. It took a long time for me to get past the shame of going into specifics like this. He is probably experience shame enough to feel he needs to hide it. If there is anyway you can let him know that no judgement will come to him from admitting what he's been doing and watching, that is probably the best option. He needs to understand that he needs to tell someone who won't judge him what's been going on.

    Hope this helps
     
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  3. Alice42

    Alice42 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for your response. It actually just feels great to get all that out and have someone to relate to.

    I completely agree with you on him feeling shame and embarrassment. He has told me this often. I completely understand that talking about things like that, things that you have kept secret for so long, has to be nearly impossible to do.

    I have told him so many times that he would never be judged for any of it by me. That I only want to help him and our relationship. I’m a very open minded person and the type to always try to get to the root of the problem and try to fix it. I have never said things that I felt would make him feel gross or like a “freak”, as he puts it.

    At one point I was convinced he had been watching transsexual porn and asked him about it. He blew up and lost it basically. He kept saying that he wasn’t gay. I told him repeatedly that I had done research and that it didn’t mean at all that he was gay, that it was straight porn. All of those things.

    I know it’s not easy for him. I just need him to understand that it’s my life too and I’m the one person that is here and wants to help.
     
    Jennica likes this.
  4. Hi welcome here on nofap.
    In the past I had the same interest that your SO has.
    Every kind of porn is creating mental blockades. Shame is such a mental blockade.
    For a man it's amazing difficult to open up to a wife, because they suffer from fear to loose their manhood, loose their position etc. (The fact, is of course, they already loosed that things).

    Your feeling is right. You can't trust a porn user. The brain is messed up and he can't relate to reality.
    Feelings? A porn addict is not in contact with his real feelings. Vulnerability and humility is necessary to show real feelings, to show the real person.

    Your SO has a big problem. Porn is just a symptom of his deeper layered problem(s). Insecurity and lack of self esteem are such problems. Maybe some old pain from the past. Rejection? Abuse? Abandonment?

    I'm sorry for you. But imo there is no tolerance.
    I'm preparing myself for a future relationship.
    First: I don't tolerate my wife to be a porn addict. Or whatever addict.
    Second: my wife may have the same expectation to me.
    If you tolerate porn for 1% in your relationship, that 1% will destroy your relationship.
    Why? It destroys intimacy. Without that, it's no fun together.

    I hope this makes some sense to you.
     
    Alice42 likes this.
  5. Alice42

    Alice42 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your response and yes, that all makes perfect sense to me. He most definitely has deep rooted self worth issues from his past. I think the other biggest problem is the length of time this has been going on for him and I’m sure it was at its peak during the time we were apart.

    Something else I haven’t mentioned that I wonder a lot about is the fact that we have always had a very active sex life. We rarely skip a day and it’s often more than one time. But if we do skip a day for whatever reason, he has always acted devastated about it. I believe bc he closely relates sex with love. If I don’t have sex with him, even for one day, he feels like I don’t love him. He has never had an erection problem but certainly times with DE. I would definitely describe our sex life as very good and loving and very soft core, for lack of a better way of putting it. I have honestly always felt very good about our sex life.

    Also, this may be tmi, but he is very strict about me not getting anywhere near his rear. We have never had anal sex and he says he thinks it’s gross. Even tho I have said that I’m okay with it. This just raises more questions for me and although I’m not one to over generalize, I have just always been of the assumption that the majority of men would feel differently. I could def be wrong on that, just another way my mind goes into overdrive on certain things which bring up more things..it’s a vicious cycle..
     
    Roady likes this.
  6. Veritable

    Veritable Fapstronaut

    I've been called a freak/pervert for what I had found myself into. I know how much it cuts.

    He probably doesn't know that transsexual porn is actually designed and targeted to men. After all, it's the same as straight sex just with to female forms.

    I wonder if there would be any way to get him on here and read some of this, I'm sure it would be helpful. But he's gotta want it
     
    Alice42 likes this.
  7. Alice42

    Alice42 Fapstronaut

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    I thought about showing this thread to him. I just know that he would be devastated to read it and would prob just become more depressed. Although I have said all these things to him. I did tell him that transsexual porn was designed for straight men and that gay men wouldn’t even find it appealing. He just says repeatedly that there’s no way he would ever look at anything like that and that he is not gay. He feels like I’m questioning his manhood even by asking about it.

    We are talking some today via text. He tells me that he is trying and frustrated bc bringing it up makes him feel like I think he isn’t trying. He said that you wouldn’t bring heroin up to a heroin addict after just 3 weeks of sobriety..

    He says that he is on his phone a lot bc everyone else at work is. That he just looks at the news and fight videos on YouTube. I feel like not restricting his phone use is a problem and an indication that he isn’t trying to avoid triggers very well. He said that he has been researching his addiction and says that he wants to start working out bc he feels like his testosterone levels are too high. I think he is focusing more on distracting himself and fooling me than working on the things inside his head.

    Thanks again, this has helped me tremendously to talk about it
     
  8. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    @Alice107 I want to commend you so much for your approach to all this!!!! Your man is so fortunate to have you!

    just a couple thoughts: first not all men escalate. many do, maybe most - but certainly not all. That being said, I think your spidey senses are very justified given the evidence and his reactions. Porn is so pathetic, and the ability to not be in control of yourself I so unmanly that it is really hard to admit. If his deal is even more unmanly in his eyes (gay, trans, et al), and he has unnamed pain and shame from childhood abuse, then I can't even imagine how hard it would be to tell my wife what my brain thinks. I would hate myself, maybe enough to contemplate suicide... oh wait... um..

    anyway - I suspect that he may never be able to be honest with you without some external force. that could be a therapist, or maybe some traumatic accidental disclosure. I know it's tempting to think that he just must love the addiction more than you - but its really way more complicated than that. it also doesn't mean you aren't sexually enough for him, or that you aren't a genuinely open and nonjudgmental person. it means his emotions and programming are broken.

    I'm sorry this is your journey right now. you can be a huge help to him if you can find the heart to do so. it won't be easy. I wish you the best.
     
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  9. Veritable

    Veritable Fapstronaut

    Your feelings are justified I think. Your sense for what the truth is seems to be on point. I have learned the hard way how much it actually takes to change. To actually put your foot down and admit to yourself that you have problems. Real, honest to goodness problems. For me, it took pushing my marriage teetering to the brink of collapse. Staring consequences dead in the face. I truly hope it doesn't come to it, it doesn't have to. But he has to really dive into the material and accept the depth of all of this. It's hard, it really is
     
  10. Alice42

    Alice42 Fapstronaut

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    Well first off, thank you for the uplifting words.

    Honestly after finally opening up to talk to others today, things are finally making more sense.

    I agree with all that you are saying. I can’t imagine being there.. I do love him deeply, always have. We have a very strong, unmistakable connection. I believe there is a man in there that is absolutely beautiful. I feel like if he doesn’t find that person it is a total waste. For all of us.

    I’m now stuck in a position of knowing that he will never get through this unless he can be honest with himself and get all of this out so that it becomes real. I don’t think I’m the person that he can open up to. I do encourage counseling. He has done that in the past for depression and anger issues and hated it, so that’s another obstacle. I did encourage him to come here.

    He’s very depressed. He really does take all this out on me. It’s hard sometimes to see through it and know that he needs me and needs help. I do get mad, mostly frustrated.

    I have to believe that we will be okay.

    Thanks again
     
    phuck-porn! likes this.
  11. Alice42

    Alice42 Fapstronaut

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    I can’t imagine how hard this is. I don’t want to leave him. I feel like no matter what I won’t. I do know that we can’t live like this. He does know that at this point there is no tolerance for porn in our lives. More or less, we can have the beautiful life that lays in front of us, or we can live in constant turmoil bc it’s definitely down to that.

    Thank you again
     
  12. Alice42

    Alice42 Fapstronaut

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    I guess my question now is, do I keep pressuring him to open up to me. I just don’t know where to take it from here. I don’t want to push him over the edge. I’m afraid he is just going to crawl into his hole and do nothing but try to shove away the thoughts the best that he can. Which I’m sure is virtually impossible at this point
     
  13. Veritable

    Veritable Fapstronaut

    This is speaking as someone who is/was a master at hiding emotions and thoughts. Compartmentalizing and pushing things down deep behind my walls so that no one has to know what's going on in my head. Yeah, he's most likely trying like hell to put up his walls and not face this. But if he is going to actually learn ways to combat this and rise above it at some point he does have to face it. And really face down the fact that he has this demon inside of him. Again, as someone who likes to hide what he's feeling, I know it's hard. I imagine he really doesn't want to admit how he really feels right now.

    You just have to be honest with him. It's going to feel like pressure to him yeah. You are pressing get honesty out of him. You have to keep reminding him that there's no judgement, that lots of men face this exact same thing, that it doesnt make him any less of a man, but that he can't hide from what he's got himself into and that facing it true and head on is really the only way to rise above it. It's going to take him reaching a point where he finally gives up fighting it and faces it. That point is somewhere... it's just hard to figure out where
     
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  14. Alice42

    Alice42 Fapstronaut

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    Wow. That’s exactly what I needed to hear. He still most definitely has strong and sturdy walls up. I am certain he has not decided to face this head on. I don’t think he thinks he even can. I think he’s trying to convince himself of that. I definitely still see him hiding from it and using his usual coping and defense mechanisms. He’s still masking it and trying to keep it tucked deep down. He hasn’t put reality to it I don’t think. I know it will hurt him too much.

    He said this morning that he has blocked much of his childhood and past in general out. He just keeps saying he doesn’t know what to do. I’m hoping today is the day that maybe we can break through the surface a little. Maybe we are closer to that anyway. I am determined not to let another day go by where we put a bandaid over this. It’s time to get serious
     
    Veritable likes this.
  15. Veritable

    Veritable Fapstronaut

    I think you are on the right track. I've found myself saying the same thing. "I don't know what to do". I say that a little less now that I was able to open up and put what was going on on the table. I hope he can learn to be honest with you (and himself) and have the courage to say everything that went on. The porn, the masturbation, the fetishes. It's ok even if he admits that he didn't feel like he is totally in control of doing these things. As long as he can admit to everything, that's the first step. That would be a big breakthrough, I think
     
    Alice42 likes this.
  16. PaleAle76

    PaleAle76 Fapstronaut

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    “He said that you wouldn’t bring heroin up to a heroin addict after just 3 weeks of sobriety..“

    This is where he is wrong. The only way he is going to overcome this is to be honest with himself and talk about it. Every day. Same reason you’re supposed to go to as many “12-Step” sessions you can- the goal for those is 90 days, 90 meetings. He needs to reach the point where he is comfortable talking about it or it will never go away.
     
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  17. Alice42

    Alice42 Fapstronaut

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    I agree 100%. I'm not going to keep quiet and let day after day pass with no real progress. If it takes me asking questions or whatever just to get it out there and being talked about that's what I'm going to do. He can't keep hiding, which is what he wants to do.

    Thanks so much for the response. You can read and read other people's stories on here and try your best to pull together the bits and pieces that fit your own story and try to make sense of it. Actually getting real feedback on my situation has been a huge turning point for me. It has made our story real. Hopefully things will start looking up soon
     
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  18. Alice42

    Alice42 Fapstronaut

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    We had a fairly productive talk last night with no fighting. He didn’t say much. I talked about things to do, a place to start. He said he would start writing in a journal for now bc that is the only safe place he felt he could get it all out. He said he would not want me to read it. I’m not sure right now if I should ask questions or how much I actually even need to know for my sanity. Sort of a shaky line. I don’t want to impede his progress with my feelings rn tho. He did agree to talk at least a little about it every day. I guess this is a bit of progress for now
     
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  19. PaleAle76

    PaleAle76 Fapstronaut

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    Hopefully he will realize that opening up is the most helpful thing he can do- its like taking a load of bricks off of your shoulders. Men aren't always the best at expressing themselves and verbalizing their emotions. It just isn't something we're naturally wired for, and its not something our society encourages. Has he visited the forums on here at all? I know for me it was really reassuring when I realized I wasn't alone.
     
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  20. Alice42

    Alice42 Fapstronaut

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    I don’t really think he has. I’ve mentioned it several times. I think he finds it too hard to read. I feel like he is still very much avoiding facing things. I think he has always lived with struggle and doesn’t think there is any other way. I don’t know.

    He did tell me last night that when he was around 9/10, on 2 separate occasions he found a bunch of porn mags buy a trash can in his neighborhood. That hit me so hard. I have thought about that so many times. Honestly, it’s like how can you avoid something like that? The start of this path.. I’m just deeply saddened by that.
     

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