Hi Everyone, I talked about starting a journal so here I am doing just that, to hold myself accountable as a partner to a PMO addict. I welcome suggestions/advice and am just so happy to have found this community. I will add posts here as the journey continues though I may post separately for standalone questions/topics. Here's my (whole) story: When I was 19, I married someone who I had been with for 1 year but he was about to become deported. He was a J2 visa, dependent on his parents' J1 visa status - they were leaving so he had to go also unless he married... me. Long story short, it didn't go well. After a very short time married, we had the worst fights. He resented having to marry me to stay in the US and I resented him for being so ungrateful for what I did/sacrificed to keep him here. Intimacy dwindled to nothing and I learned he had turned to P instead of me. I was devastated to be replaced by pixels but I didn't address the issue very much further at the time. I ended up leaving shortly thereafter but it has always been in the back of my mind. That was my first experience with P interfering in my relationship, though it wasn't the last. I had another relationship where I suspected P was at play and had even woken up to him Ming next to me in bed on a few occasions. There were other issues and I was still pretty young (21/22) so again, didn't really address the P problem. The next 15 years I was really only in 2 serious relationships. One I don't think looked at P but if he did it didn't impact our relationship at all. The other, an 11+ year relationship that ended early 2016, I knew he was into mostly hentai type P as I discovered on MY LAPTOP coming home one day. I almost broke up with him for it - less for the P and more because he had looked it up on MY computer. That seemed disrespectful on top of the P. He apologized and we managed to move on. The last few years of the relationship were strained and it died a slow death. I'm sure he turned to P - he was home all the time while I worked - but I was no longer invested so didn't really investigate or care to know. Here we are at my current relationship, a little less than 5 months in. I suspected SOME problem pretty early on, after we were first intimate. If you've read my other threads you know that he thought he had ED issues stemming from antidepressants, yet he had made a comment that alluded to him having no issues during solo time. So I started researching online to see if the antidepressant thing was legit. It was; however, most people had the same issues alone as with a partner. So I kept looking and found out about DE which fit our situation and led me to PIED, again matching our experiences. That in turn led to finding the TedX talk by Gary Wilson, YBOP, the NoFap Reddit group, and then here, perhaps not in that order, but probably close. I currently have literally 25+ pages in a word doc of links, quotes, etc. relating to this subject: P addiction, S addiction, Objectification, various disorders and their effects. It's probably more now, having a bunch of tabs open on my computer and on my phone that I still need to add. After educating myself, I talked to my partner re: my issues with P on a few occasions and explained my history. He was sorry it was an issue but also didn't seem to see the correlation. I brought up the fact that P got him more than I did - both in amount of time as well as enabling him to finish while he couldn't with me. A tear-filled conversation on 12/11/16 (I'm almost sure it was that day), prompted him to take it upon himself around 12/15 to quit PMO to see what would happen. As I've mentioned elsewhere I really think he did it partially to prove me wrong. However, things did improve somewhat before he relapsed 12/23 (after 8 days). He then started again 12/24 and we saw VAST improvements - he could finally finish with me more regularly and our relationship seemed to have gotten better. He made it 16 days before relapsing on 1/9/17. That turned into relapsing again on 1/10/17 and again 1/11/17. At that point he had seen how positive the changes had been: not just with me, but increased energy and motivation for him. So he went PMO-free again 1/12/17 and today is day 18 to the best of my knowledge. I know we got through Day 16 PMO-free for sure. I am out of town for work as of yesterday morning and don't plan to ask for a report until I get back. I need my mind focused as much as possible and a relapse/reset/slip might derail me, especially from afar. I find myself wondering what he's doing or not doing without me there. Is it safe to Skype in an intimate way if the alternative might be full relapse? What would that do to his recovery and ours? In the short 2.5 weeks he has been PMO-free, not only did things resume improvement as far as him being able to finish, and get more done with his increased energy and motivation, he has also been more affectionate and more in tune with my feelings. We have had several discussions where he assures me he wants to quit, wants to strengthen our relationship and intimacy. He speaks with the future in mind and has said he always wanted a relationship like we have. He was single for 7 years before me and his longest term relationship had been a year or so at that point. He has thanked me for my understanding and patience, speaking so sweetly of how much our relationship means to him - all while PMO free. He is not doing NoFap, more his own plan, and I am waiting to see how it goes before pushing for more. If he succeeds his way, great! If not, I have an arsenal of data to demand more commitment to this program. In the meantime, I have committed to no MO myself - P not being a problem - so my only O will be with him. He noted that it was not quite the same and I would agree; however, I have been plenty uncomfortable thank you very much. In fact, I would say my drive is actually higher than his, so although not an addict myself I am definitely feeling the physical discomfort from abstaining. But it's SO worth it to save that energy for our relationship. I plan to do this forever and never MO outside of our together time. We have a ways to go, I know, and I'm sure much more improvement to experience on both our parts. I look forward to it. Until then, the main struggles I have are 1) helping him see how this affects me and makes me feel (he doesn't understand as much what the big deal is, if it weren't affecting our intimacy - says he'd be ok with me looking at other guys and masturbating, etc. though the reality might not be as appealing to him in my mind) 2) facing relapse and determining an appropriately escalating response of boundaries and demands on my part. i don't want to abandon him but nor do i want to enable him 3) dealing with all the facets of the addiction: the objectification/leering at other women or wanting to; lack of empathy/caring; lack of affection; a constant barrier to our intimacy and bonding 4) realizing that this will affect him/us for the rest of our lives (though an admitted addict might be better than an ignorant casual user - P is now a total dealbreaker for me) So I have hope, not of perfection (I can dream), but of continued dedication and progress. I would love nothing more than for him to never PMO again and turn to our relationship for his gratification but I am trying to be realistic that most addicts relapse - A LOT - before they can finally quit. In our current society, it's much harder to avoid salacious content than it is to avoid alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc. In fact the only addiction that might be more difficult to deal with would be food related (binge-eating disorder, anorexia, bulemia, etc.). Because you HAVE to eat. However, P and S addiction hits the partner so personally, even if we know rationally that it has nothing to do with us and our attractiveness/allure. Since it affects our intimacy/bonding, it's a real blow to the relationship. I am taking it one day at a time and trying to be supportive while taking care of myself too. As we continue on this ugly journey I will touch base here with both success and failure, hopefully much more of the former than the latter. I also can't say it enough: I feel fortunate to be dealing with this issue so early on. I don't have years or decades of lies and deceit poisoning my relationship. We aren't married and do not have/want kids so I could easily walk away should it come to that. But I do want to help him (there's that co-dependency rearing its head) and hope that we can make this relationship work. My heart goes out to the couples who have been in the thick of this for however long. They have my admiration and respect. Really anyone who is participating in this community is my hero, for recognizing this is a problem despite what most of society says. For wanting to make themselves and their relationships better. For facing addiction head on and getting back up at least one more time than they have fallen. I so look forward to being a part of this amazing community for the near and probably far future. Thanks again for having me.