TooMuchTooSoon - A Partner's Journal

I think another reason I didn't ask or probe further, though I really was quite tired, is that his answer could have sealed the coffin of our relationship. Or not. If he was recommitting to change he would do so whether or not I asked in that moment. If he isn't or won't, I wasn't strong enough or ready enough to say goodbye in that moment. And if that moment comes I really need to be. No empty threats or promises.

We deserve love and respect and to feel bonded and close to our partners. I don't want to settle for less. I'm willing to give a good man the chance to become great. I will not stick around for a manchild who refuses to grow up and will defend and deflect his issues onto me and bring me down with him. I'm not willing to be walked on and treated like me and my feelings don't matter. I've said it before and will keep saying it so I don't forget: 'Actions speak louder than words.' And 'when people show you who they are, believe them.'

I just need to wait and see which path he dedicates himself to. If he waffles too long or heads down the darker path he will be traveling alone. That thought makes me so incredibly sad but things won't get magically better if I stay and enable him. I'd rather be temporarily unhappy alone than miserable together forever. That wouldn't be fair to either one of us.

 

I can't imagine how difficult it has been for you dealing with this issue on top of such severe psychiatric/life threatening episodes. I'm so sorry and send hugs. I hope you will take good care of yourself. You are amazing and deserve so much better than he's given you.

It's so hard figuring out all the lines. Lines of expectations. Lines of encouragement vs demands for more. That's the one I'm struggling with now. Half assed is not enough but I do appreciate any and all progress. Lines of saying 'enough' vs staying and supporting the men we love.

Given my most recent update I have found myself distancing a bit. I don't think I'll be able to fully recommit to him and the relationship unless he fully commits to a complete recovery strategy. Self preservation and all that. Working on my own codependence has been helping a lot.

We deserve support and kindness. This addiction provides neither. I will help as long as he helps himself but any more relapses or self pitying complaints about unfairness will only drive deeper wedges until I have nothing left to give. He brought this on himself and if he can't or won't do what it takes to make things right then what option do I have? Once it's killed my love and fostered enough resentment there would be no going back and nothing left to salvage anyway.

 

I am both saddened and bolstered, seeing so many new members who are SO's or Wives. Sad to see so many struggling with this issue but also glad to have more support for everyone. It's good to spread it around. It makes us all stronger.

I haven't felt particularly supported or supportive lately, no fault to these boards which I continue to be inspired by. And I'm sorry not to have been able to offer more support. Being at the opposite end of the world has definitely given me some distance and clarity, even in the short week I've been gone. Last travel trip I was anxious about a relapse. Given recent events, I am no longer concerned by that. I worry that means I am becoming ambivalent or apathetic to what's going on with his addiction/recovery. Or perhaps I'm just better applying the "not my addiction to fight" mantra and am actually *gasp!* letting go. We shall see.

Sometimes I look at our relationship and wonder why I'm still around. Yes I care for this man, but I think I really am getting the short end of the stick here. To him, I and this relationship are wonderful and exactly what he wants/needs. Support, sex, affection, etc. I am there for him. To me, well I am still trying to figure out what all I am getting out of the relationship. And I am trying to figure out exactly what I DO need so I can express/request that and see if that's something he can actually offer/give me now or in the future. It's not fair to expect him to read my mind. But it would be nice if he asked sometimes.

Today I pinpointed something that has been bothering me. Although I was conscious of it before, I never really put it all together. One of the main things that bothers me is feeling like I am being left out. I often feel he does more without me than with me. He watches tons of movies without me, he takes my dog hiking (goes hiking!) without me. He does things by himself that I feel would be better shared experiences, opportunities for bonding and just making memories together. All without me. I'm not saying we don't do anything together. But I do feel that a disproportionate amount of the things he does, on a consistent basis, are done solo. So I feel left out. I don't feel thought of or appreciated or that he even thinks about doing those things with me or waiting to do them with me. It feels like I am not considered other than peripherally, and it feels like some form of selfishness might always win out.

So many things that could add intimacy, meaning, and depth to our relationship, instead are lost to his inability to wait or think of me in that situation. See where this all comes back to the PMO? Yeah.

Sigh. I'm sighing too much as of late. Truthfully I am sad. By all of this, all the above, all of what I have no idea is to come. How can a relatively new relationship survive all that sadness and uncertainty? I fear resentment is growing in me and I want to let it out and communicate it with him before it destroys any chance we do have. But I am tired of being the one doing the work, initiating the conversations, complaining. He has said he has no complaints with me, then finds small things so that he has something to contribute I guess. For example, he admitted he preferred I wear less makeup. I happened to be wanting a new/fresh look so I tried it out and actually liked it. Great! Mutually beneficial. Solid compromise. Then he said something about being "over" the boots over jeans look. At first it didn't bother me - Spring is approaching so I WAS wearing that combo a lot. I love boots and wanted to get as much wear in as possible as they'd be in the closet for 6 months at least...ah, Southern California weather. But the more I thought about it, the angrier I got. Seriously?! I have deliberately told you I don't want to change you or how you dress, etc. but you have a problem with me wearing boots over my jeans? It's not a contest, but damn! That hurt. I'm over here being supportive of you and your addiction, your struggles, feeling like I'm second to everything else... and you've got beef with my boots.

I've been thinking of transferring my journal over to the SOS board since we now have one that is much more user friendly. But maybe my take on things can help offer the other side's perspective? Let me know. I'll happily move myself over there.

I am sorry I feel so negative lately and it's all coming out here. I just feel like I haven't seen much reason to celebrate. I haven't seen massive declines or anything, just not much improvement to sustain hope for the long run. I feel like I'm working to make US better while he's doing his own thing and/or growing upset at how unfair the situation is. Yeah, tell me about it. We'll see what happens when i get home next week. I'm pretty much exactly halfway through this trip. It's been a rollercoaster of emotions, having the space to really THINK. I really have no idea what I'm going to do. Sometimes I wish I didn't love him and I wish I didn't care. I wish I didn't feel that way about him, about us. Heck, I wish I could stop looking at every woman and assessing her and her attractiveness, her sex appeal like I've mentioned before. I never used to do that, or at least no moreso than any woman does. Certainly not to the extent of this hyper-awareness I'm currently operating under. I need to stop comparing, stop wondering, but I feel like some outlook on life has been broken or spoiled. Where once I saw a hope for equality regardless of sex, race, appearance, etc. - for people to be kinder to one another and ourselves, I now see every instance of inequality and unfairness and wonder how I will be able to stay a part of a world where my value seems to be determined mainly by gender and my appearance and each year I will fall a little further short as I age. I fear I will go mad. Maybe I already am.

Ok, wow. SUPER BUMMER here. Sorry folks. I'm gonna try to retrieve a bit of Pollyanna and find the good again. I'll take anything you've got to help: puppies, rainbows, butterflies and the like.

I hope to be back with a FANTASTIC, (my) WORLD ALTERING update in the near future. Fingers crossed. I am starting a gratitude journal and I may copy it over to here, if only to share some happiness and positivity instead of the negative nanciness of posts like this. Debbie Downer has nothing on me. Gotta change that. Wish me luck!

 

That's a good point. Resisting the urge to Google 'porn coma' now. Ha. Seriously though, I guess I fell into the same thinking that I wouldn't want to discourage anyone even if it's the truth and how I'm feeling. Don't rock the boat or speak too loudly or draw attention to yourself. People-pleaser childhood strikes again

 

Perhaps it is better to be open and help anyone here either see what/how their other half might be thinking/doing or see yourself in others and find support. Either way, nothing but insight and strength to be gained. Here I shall stay, journal wise anyhow

 

Checking in. I feel like I should be writing here more often but unless I have something I feel compelled to write I feel like I'm treading water and just repeating the same thing over and over which can send me into a spiral.

I don't have much new to report. I came back into town after being gone for 15 days. It felt like forever. I'm glad to be home, exhausted but happy to sleep in my own bed.

Re: my relationship, there isn't anything new to report. I'm struggling just as I was. I think he's still off P but is still unhappy about the prospect of giving up M and I am 90% sure that he has been engaging in that at least. From our last conversation it didn't sound frequent but I don't believe that we would have seen such a backslide if it weren't more often than he claimed. I plan to bring it up again soon because I need him to realize that while P affects the mental and emotional side of things - being wired to pixels and disengaging from emotional intimacy - M is still a major contributing factor to the physical side of things. Desensitization is a real problem that continues to plague our sex life. How can he ever get off on the real thing, aka what I can offer, if he's rendered himself unable to do so because he's too accustomed to his own self gratification?

As I was laying in bed this morning, I found myself wondering how soon it would be before I stopped seeking out or enjoying our physical relationship when each interaction is a bitter reminder of our issues and how I can never measure up. Every time he turns away from me, I think about how easily he can resist me but not his own urges when alone. How he thinks it unfair that he cannot M without consequences in our sexual encounters while I think how unfair it is that he wants everything while leaving me with little to nothing. Selfish. It seems to be a recurring theme for SOs on here. I know that a lot more physical effort is required for our interactions than for solo time but part of that is because of his Ming making it more difficult for him to stay aroused and then finish. I'm glad that we're at a point where he can still finish with me, but that hasn't gotten any better and I would say it has actually gotten a bit worse. Even our first time right after I got back there was struggle. If he had been fully abstinent while I was gone, I kind of doubt that would be the case. I can remember feeling SO happy when we were making continual progress. It brought us closer together and the intimacy was wonderful. Now it's just ok, and I try to enjoy as much as I can but it hurts knowing how much better things could be but aren't. I know it takes time but if he keeps Ming we'll never get there. I had agreed to let him start anything sexual for the foreseeable future in case us cutting back helps. I brought it back up yesterday because he'd been super tired so I turned it over to him again. Let's see how that goes.

I haven't wanted to start any bigger conversations because I JUST got back, it was my birthday and he was really sweet about it - flowers, cards, dinner. It was very thoughtful and I appreciate it. I really do. But. Sometimes I cling to these gestures as signs of progress while other times I wonder if he's trying to do nice things just to distract me from the other issues. I hate that I wonder that. Maybe it's just because I find myself feeling guilty for being upset about the PM (or now just M) thing when he can be sweet in other ways. But it's not enough. I know it won't be enough and I will become resentful.

So I need to talk to him more because I promised him, and myself, that I would talk about any possible relationship altering/ending situations as they arise, rather than just blindly breaking up. And I can't see this going on forever. It will kill me emotionally. My self esteem is already shot. I'm working on getting that back but this relationship isn't helping me do that. I can't rely on someone else to make me happy or give me confidence but I do need them to not actively contribute to breaking it down. I don't think that's too much to ask. Relationships are supposed to bring out the best in you. I think I have done that for him but I cannot say he has done the same for me. I still find myself hoping that can and will change. I just wonder, at what point does that go from being positive and optimistic and move into straight up delusional?

 

Thank you for the kind words. I have generally refrained from commenting on many SO's posts on here because I feel ill qualified to respond. I'm under a year in, no kids, not living together, nothing shared other than feelings. I am dealing with a PM issue, no prostitutes or sexting/webcams, etc. Much like seeing unmarried and inexperienced guys offering advice to older married fapstronauts, I don't think it's fair to offer any advice to those who are married and/or have kids, plus are dealing with more extreme sex addiction, etc. I do offer support and empathy, often even sympathy, but will always assert I can't possibly imagine some of the circumstances these SOs are dealing with. I feel the pain of my own situation but know it pales in comparison to some, not that that makes it right or acceptable. It is not. Any degree of this is devastating.

Instead, I write here of my own experiences and issues. Sometimes it's venting, other times it's a dialogue to myself, a reminder of where I've been, where I want to go and what I need to do in order to get there. It may also give me the courage to leave or stay if that fork comes down the road. Lately it's leaned towards venting and a list of reasons I need to lay boundaries and stick to standards that should be ever rising rather than lowering. I hope the courage will come and allow me to continue communicating my needs. I fear I will also need it sooner than later to issue harsher demands and consequences. More than anything, I hope that it will help me find the magic words to help him understand what this has done and is continuing to do to me. I think we SOs focus so much on the empathy factor because I know for me I think that is the keystone, a potential turning point. How could anyone truly empathize with what we are dealing with and NOT want to do everything in their power to change?

Part of me dreads the thought of him finding my posts, another part hopes desperately that he will and might finally "get it." It would be even better if he could read all of the SOs experiences. Sometimes I think our section should be required reading for anyone on here who has or wants to have a significant other after or while dealing with this addiction/issue.

I ask myself so often, WHY am I allowing myself to put up with this at all? Why didn't I run at the first red flag or second or third? Why am I still here? Why do I not demand so much more, instead drawing out my requests over time, as if I'm waiting for him to be more involved/committed before asking for better? Why should I be afraid of him bailing on me because of my (reasonable) requests when I should be the one leaving due to his lack of progress or initiative? What I am asking for is not unreasonable. It's really bottom basic needs, bare requirements for a healthy relationship.

It's amazing how little time it takes to have your self esteem stripped away, to watch any confidence you had crumble into insecurity. Just today, I found myself surveying the environment around us, keeping watch for possible "distractions" and waffling between watching his eyes like a hawk and turning my own down so I wouldn't see, even if there was nothing to see. I drove myself crazy with it. The rest of the time I was assessing myself and what I need to do to get into the best shape I possibly can, partly because then I might feel healthier, and better about myself, with a hobby and a goal to work on myself for myself. But also partly because then I might be able to more confidently stand up against the other women out there. That's no way to live. It shouldn't be a competition. Another woman's beauty should not be a threat to me. But every day we hear about how women are judged mainly on attractiveness, as if we have nothing else to offer but our looks and when those go... it makes my blood boil. My worth should not be based on how much men desire me. That Amy Schumer skit "Last Fuckable Day" (watch it if you haven't seen it) is funny because it's true. But it's also heartbreaking for the same reason. This is not a world for women, or for decency. The only thing that keeps my faith going is seeing so many people flocking here in search of more genuine connection to others and life.

So onward I shall plod until we either reach a point of supreme safety and confidence in our relationship (months/years away) or I hit a point where I just can't do this anymore. Perhaps I should ask him flat out why I should stay given all the stuff I've had to face. Why does HE think I should continue to deal with this when it has caused so much hurt. Why does he think I should stay and love and support him while I am treated almost shabbily and continuously get the short end of the stick. Has anyone asked their SOs this question? I'd be curious to hear the answers they've been given.

Yesterday I found out that his sister's boyfriend is going to be proposing soon. I am SO happy for them but also sad/envious. It also made me realize how, despite dating only a little less time than they have, we are so far from that it's not even funny. And that's what I want. I want to be married. I want to make it official with someone who loves me just as much as I do them, who respects me as I respect them, who makes me feel safe and secure, beautiful and desirable. A true partner who puts my needs ahead of his own or at least on par with his own. After writing that out I wonder if we can truly ever get to that point. I know he loves me, probably because I make him feel loved and respected for who he is, and I make him feel safe and secure as well as desirable. I try to think of his feelings, which is part of the reason I haven't pushed as hard as I probably should. So, essentially, everything I want I offer him. But what do I have or get in return? Some random words of love, sudden but infrequent expressions of it, and a whole lot of actions that speak otherwise. Sigh. There are days I can't imagine my life without him in it. Other days I wonder how we can possibly get through another week or month like this.

Bottom line, I can only support him in this while I take care of my own heart. I need to work on myself. A lot. So I can at some point trust myself and my instincts/intuition. That's the real problem on my end, I think. I constantly question, second guess, and generally doubt myself. Until I can get to a point where I believe in myself fully and can make informed and confident decisions, I might be stuck in this limbo of uncertainty and pain. While the addiction is his issue, my reaction to it and tolerance of it to whatever extent is fully on me. I need to own that as much as i need him to own what he's done and how that's affected me.