TooMuchTooSoon - A Partner's Journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by TooMuchTooSoon, Jan 29, 2017.

  1. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    Feeling angry and sad. Trying to figure out how best to bring up today. 7 days ago we had S. He O'd. 5 days ago we had S. I O'd (first time in awhile). No O for him. We tried again today. He was able to O but he was definitely having ED issues throughout, even at the start, and had to use his hands at a point or two. I had made my feelings on that clear and he was kind of trying to hide it I think. So I don't want to have S again for I don't even know how long. Either he is in a flatline - he thinks from meds reduction or something else is causing his ED. I want to be strong and blunt but I also just feel like crying.

    I think I'll try to calmly but assertively say that I didn't enjoy things today and that he knows how I feel about him using his hands. His need to O was apparently more important than my feelings and our progress. Not ok. So we should stop having S for, 2 weeks? 30 days? More?

    I'm hoping that confronting the issue will either force him to confess to Ming which wouldn't surprise me or to something else that might be causing this issue. If it's a meds related flatline, then we should abstain til he feels better and we can have better luck. If it's something else, well there's another nail in this ever closing coffin.

    Starting to not want S. I think I will tell him that too.
     
    Bel and Kenzi like this.
  2. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Remember that you matter.
    Your feelings matter.
    Being comfortable in S matters.
    Maybe having a clock doesn't matter?
    Maybe it does.
    Be comfortable.
    And doing whatever it takes to get there does.
    Ask yourself whatever you need to find your answers.
    Then have a talk.
    Good luck.
     
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  3. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut

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    See this is why I told mine his no PM hard mode needed to turn into a no PMO 90 day hard mode bc I know I would be angry AND suspicious . I want no excuses when or if we connect again. Literally my psyche cannot take 1 more failure bc I know I'm out. But I'm not married to my PA.
     
  4. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Hey, if your guy has PIED... He SHOULD have PE the first time you have sex after a abstinence.
    It's the penis being overly sensitive when it's not normally.
    Just a FYI.
     
  5. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    Nor am I, married that is. I am grateful for that.

    We started a bit of a serious talk last night. I was trying to ascertain where he is at in the relationship. I didn't receive any reassurance that he's here for the right reasons. So I will probably finish it tonight or this week by laying out what I need and deserve in this relationship. Things I'm almost positive he cannot (or will not?) give me. So I ended the night with tears and have started today with more.

    Logically and rationally I know the best thing to do is part ways. I am obviously putting in way more effort and have invested actual love and commitment while he has not, maybe cannot, do the same.

    I deserve someone who loves me for me, who doesn't hesitate or hem and haw when I ask them why they are in this relationship. Someone who loves me no matter what and tells me and shows me. Not someone who loves me but may not always be 'feeling it.' Someone who rarely says it or shows it does not deserve ME.

    I just need to keep repeating that over and over to myself until I believe it so much so that when I say it, we both know it's the truth.
     
  6. FlatlineFred

    FlatlineFred Fapstronaut

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    Why do meds have to be to the blame target for his ED / flatline? PMO causes ED & flatline on its own. I was PMO with 3 different meds (several cited as having potential to cause erection loss) and was able to fap away to P with no ED problems. He is probably badly damaged from PMO and needs time / support to climb out of the hole he dug for himself and his sexuality. Keep up the good work hauling him up out of that hole, there will be good days and bad days but in the end he will be standing by your side, cured.

    IMHO.
     
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  7. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    For us it was PIED/DE and after he quit PM, both got better to the point that neither happened. Real progress! Then backslide. So yeah that's probably all I need to know. Something is off, but that's no longer the real problem. It's just another symptom in this mess.

    I'm tired of wondering and guessing and fearing about his addiction and his feelings/investment in this relationship.
     
    Bel likes this.
  8. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    Oh how I wish that were true @FlatlineFred. But he won't fully accept his addiction - you can read back through my journal. First he was dedicated to PM free. Then P free because he seemed to think it unfair he couldn't M. Plus he can't get a handle on ogling - he admits it actually feels good to do it so there's an obvious dopamine drop there. He has a history with other addictions too. Mainly smoking which he was able to kick but only because he got really ill.

    I can't be with an addict. Recovering addict is hard enough. And I certainly can't be with someone who disrespects me or is using me for emotional support while they offer little to nothing in return. No real commitment to sobriety or me does not deserve any more of my time, love, or effort.
     
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  9. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Oh, if he's ogling.... There's your DE
     
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  10. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    You deserve to be happy.
    Go do you for once.
    Good luck.
    *digital hug*
     
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  11. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    Thanks. I'll take all I can get. :)

    And it's both ED AND DE - double whammy. Sigh.

    I can't do this anymore. I shouldn't. If I have to say it a thousand times I will until it's my reality.
     
    hope4healing and Bel like this.
  12. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    If it's a double whammy....
    Knock it outta the park!!!!
    You can do it.
    Be the next babe ruth
     
    hope4healing and Bel like this.
  13. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    If anyone has any words of encouragement, kindness, or other such bolstering, I would surely take it today, with much gratitude. :)

    Same with more tough love to keep me motivated (@ChangeMattersToMe I'm looking at you!) ;)

    Rock bottom, here I come.
     
    Bel likes this.
  14. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Hey!
    The only way after rock bottom,
    Is UP
    :) :) :)
    ;)
     
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  15. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    :)
     
  16. ItsNeverTooLate

    ItsNeverTooLate Fapstronaut

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    Read back over your posts my friend. You're smart, intelligent, caring, and compassionate. You know what you need to do for your own well being.

    Have you repeated it enough yet? Is today that day where you stand up and shout, "I deserve only the best!"

    He probably tired too, but instead of being proactive about getting to the bottom of it, he continues to M, blinding himself to the possibility of recovery. After all, he has you to do all the hard work. He just has to sit back and watch it fail because he doesn't believe in success in himself. And since you're the one doing all the work, in his mind, he's not failing, you are. Plus, how can he be unsuccessful at a plan he really isn't a part of.

    Of course this is just my opinion of his internal monologue. It's based on what you've written vs. what he has. Um, has he ever written on theses forums? I can't recall you mentioning him journaling here or elsewhere.

    And yet you are. There's your tough love. In your own words.

    There are no heroics in being with an addict. Those of us who stay are not better than those who don't. I don't get any self satisfaction for sticking by my loved one. I'm learning that this week.

    I've been sick for a week. Today's the first day I feel okay. I have to go to the lab now to get more tests run for auto-immune, cancer, IBD, etc. Of course while I'm waiting for my doctors to decide what I have I've been doing my own research. I came across fibromyalgia. And more amazingly to me, stories of people who manage or overcome it by reducing stress.

    Now, I'm going to let my doctors diagnose me but it did get me thinking about the effects of stress on the human body. I am in charge of my life. Even if my husband has subjected me to his issues, it is not his problem how they affect me. Only I have control over that.

    So what am I going to do? Am I going to sit and wait to be told how my life might be restricted in the future and how it's going to change my life? Am I going to sit back and resent my spouse for the stress on my life and it's effect on me? Or am I going to be proud my SO has come so far and is doing well? Am I going to assume the best for now, this is just a passing virus, and I need something more than what I'm already doing to keep myself healthy and happy just as my SO is making his own improvements for himself?

    I choose healthly and happy. Thanks to the inspiration of @Jolie, @LizzyBlanca, @ILoathePwife, and @Strength And Light I am finally going to see a therapist who specializes in EMDR. Left a message this morning. I've been putting it off because I thought I was better, but my body is telling me otherwise. It's my responsibility to myself to listen.

    Point is, only we can make our own difference. You in your life and your SO in his. It needs to be his responsibility to reach out and ask for help and his actions that show he deserves that help. You're actions have already shown you've done what's in your power and capability.

    Each situation is different. That's why none of us can say "Run like the wind!" Or "Stay just a while longer, it gets better after summer." You know in your heart what need to be done. You just have to be willing to listen.

    Hugs times a million, gazillion! We care for you and only want and wish you the very best!!!!❤️❤️❤️:emoji_hugging::emoji_hugging::emoji_hugging:
     
  17. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. For all of that. I did need exactly that.

    To edit, I can be with an addict. I have been with an addict. I choose to no longer accept addiction in my life. I choose my happiness and my health and will focus my love only on those who deserve it. If that ends up only being me, so be it.

    :)
     
  18. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut

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    What the what? ?? Unfair!!!??? ....jesus christ literally that takes some kind of nerve to even mouth that out loud by a PA who is sucking the soul out of their SO.

    I'd definitely say to him enjoy this view of my ass walking out the door. Sad to say I'd almost and actually do feel better (how messed up is that ??!!) when they are sneaking around and get caught/confess as opposed to being a cavalier pompous ass who thinks he really sort of doesn't have a problem other than the SO who obviously has a problem. My PA was a low class conniving piece of shit behind my back but he knew he was screwing up in the amount of secrecy and tactics he deployed to hide it all from my face.
    If you read a lot of posts on this forum there is a divide like that. Guys who are like I feel disgusted by myself and other ones who are like meh do I have a problem bc I don't think I have a problem, maybe I'll just cut back some or for awhile ......yeah that's not gonna do anything. Mindset has to be there to succeed but if you think you're already winning.......I love to envision the shriveled up Charlie Sheen....he was winning remember.....yeah ummmm ok if the prize is HIV, I suppose he was.
     
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  19. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I envision us
    ....
    All sometimes at a lawn table.... In a yard
    .. With giant hats and lemonade and long Island ice teas.... Next to a pool....
    @Broken3 and @Eve26 and @Bel and @ItsNeverTooLate @AnonymousAnnaXOXO are all there.... (I'm missing a lot of people, but I'm still drinking my coffee....)
    And we are all just chatting about how stupid our men our.
    That's what this forum feels like to me.
    We get up and leave the table.... We come up to the table
    ...
    But we are constantly in the afternoon sun, among friends.... With little sandwiches....

    You have to see this place this way.
    You do.
    Otherwise, your PA will make you nuts.
    Life will make you nuts.
    And our table is nut free.
    Only cucumber sandwiches.
    Well, and a nice occasional Ruben or something.
    Lol
     
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2017
  20. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

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    Sorry @TooMuchTooSoon for hijacking your journal for a second. I just want to say to @ItsNeverTooLate that what you have written here is incredibly inspired and inspiring. Something I'm learning lately is leading by example, and it can really work in a powerful way. I'm sure it can be frustrating at times to feel so unable to help as the SO of an addict. Yes it's true, you can't force someone through a recovery, but you can ignite, influence, and continually inspire recovery by becoming an example of positive self transformation yourself. Things can seem so much easier when we see someone else doing it, especially someone we know and trust. I love your attitude on this and in this community!

    @TooMuchTooSoon In cognitive behavior therapy, it's noted that usually people are afraid to give up their problems, because there is often some small hidden benefits to keeping the problems around. It's really the small benefit that they are afraid to give up. For example, your problem may be that your SO is an addict and he doesn't appear to be in active recovery. It may be that you really want to give up the relationship (I don't know your story so please don't mistake this example as advice; I would never advise someone on what to do with their relationship), but you may have trouble giving up the hidden benefits like the empathetic social media attention you get when bad things happen because of the addiction, the "excitement" of the drama of your SO's addiction cycle, the relieving feeling of venting, etc... Think of it like cigarettes, most people who are addicted to cigarettes really desire to quit because cigarettes cause cancer, they are expensive, they yellow your teeth, give you bad breath, make your clothes, house and car smell, etc..., but they continue to smoke because they like to have something to reach for when they have to do some deep thinking, they enjoy the smell of a newly opened pack, they like "playing" with the smoke they exhale, they like the small increase in heartbeat during their first cigarette of the day, etc... Anytime they think of quitting, these tiny "benefits" come to mind and cloud out the seriously detrimental side effects like cancer and health complications.

    I know it sounds like something a high school guidance councilor would say :rolleyes:, but it can be really beneficial to write out (as in actually write it down on paper) every undesirable aspect of your relationship, and every single benefit that you enjoy, even if it's a very small benefit that seems insignificant. This might be of help if you are stuck in a mindset of "I hate everything about this SO but I keep coming back and I'm starting to hate myself for it". It can help you understand where a mindset like that comes from. Understanding a mindset is the first step in learning to improve or change it. Just seeing this list of cons and pros can be very insightful. Only writing out the negative aspects when they occur can lead to being furious with yourself for sticking around. It's best to paint the full picture if your self-worth is wrapped up in the relationship.

    Just to reiterate, I haven't read through your journal and am in no way advising about your relationship or your SO's long-term intentions. Just wanted to let you know about the CBT exercise called Cost Vs Benefit that could be of help. Things can improve for you and for your SO. I wish you all the best!
     
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