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Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by TooMuchTooSoon, Jan 29, 2017.
Ah. Much better than the acronym I was thinking of. Either way is sort of appropriate though
@Jolie Oh, okay, that really would be a great idea! I seriously think that would be so helpful! I mean partners may not need an accountability partner but may need a buddy while going through this tough healing journey.
I know... Broken cracked the joke.. Cuz the PAs make us cry half of the time anyways,
Currently on the downstairs couch, fuming. I should have kicked him out of bed but he has a whole CPAP setup and frankly it's cooler down here anyway. I wish I had A/C. Sorry for any language or triggers/spoilers ahead. I am just so mad. Upset. Angry. Pissed. You get the picture.
Anyway, right as we were going to bed, after he'd spent quite awhile on his phone of course, he initiated sex with me by objectifying one body part, his general favorite, and asking me to move into a certain position. I half playfully half seriously asked 'is this going to be all about you again?' And shock! It was. Perfect opening to turn it into something more, have fun with it. But no. And partway through he faltered and used his hands which he knows I hate. I should have just turned him away.
Afterward he could tell I was upset and pulled me to him saying 'it's ok' to which I informed him it was not. First because he'd hurt me a bit because I wasn't ready - hello lack of foreplay - and that the last several times sex had been all about him. Not about US, give and take. No kissing. No real touching or intimacy, just right to his main event. He got defensive and said sometimes he's just horny and wants to have sex. That he thought I enjoyed it. I said I do enjoy being with him but it sucks when it's so one-sided. I said sometimes I want 'just sex' too but not every time and i was seeing a pattern forming. I asked him to remember the last time it had been anything more than just about him, had involved kissing or more foreplay. He couldn't.
More defensive - 'it's always something. I don't finish and you're upset, I do finish but it's all about me, using my hands is taboo.' I told him he used to be concerned with being selfish but no longer seems to be which worries me. I also mentioned that we don't have sex frequently enough to explain continued issues. The last few weeks it's been once every five days or so.
He started a new job and I have tried to accommodate him being tired and all that from adjusting. It is physically active and draining. He said that that's all it was, nothing else, just tired and sore from the new job. What about before that?! I should have asked him. But either way, it does not warrant him being a jerk to me.
I said all I was looking for was some connection, kissing, touching, etc. That I'd like to do more than just be a hole (sorry for being crude). Intimacy would be nice.
He told me that as soon as I asked if it was going to be all about him again that he knew he shouldn't have sex with me tonight.
W T. F.
So sex is all about him or it doesn't happen at all?!?!!!?!!!!!!!
A month ago he forgot to leave keys for me when I got home from a work trip. He was originally not going to be home and was going to leave me keys. Then he WAS going to be there to see me. Sweet, right? Then I found out on my way home from the airport that he'd forgotten he'd promised to work for someone AND forgot to leave keys so I was stranded without being able to go home in between trips. Luckily a coworker let me and my giant suitcase stay at their place for the 6-7 hours before I got picked up to drive to my next destination, a family gathering, 3.5 hours away.
He initially felt bad then said in the future let's avoid that and make sure you have keys. So his response to conflict isn't to try and do better (OR STOP AND THINK ABOUT SOMEONE OTHER THAN HIMSELF WHO MIGHT BE AFFECTED BY HIS ACTIONS OR INACTIONS). No. It's how he can avoid or get rid of any responsibility or blame on his part. What an unaccountable a-hole!!! Sorry.
So here I am. Seething. Letter be damned. At this point I just want him and his selfish, self-absorbed, entitled and unappreciative ass OUT. I was reading a bunch of articles on baggage reclaim and some of it really resonates. This one especially.
I tried to be supportive and loving hoping he'd appreciate me and hopefully reciprocate. Guess not. All I needed tonight was some version of 'I have been selfish lately. I'm sorry and will make more of an effort.' Why is that so hard? Instead I get a temper tantrum. Not even close to ok.
Tomorrow will be interesting I'm sure.
And now he's complaining he can't sleep because it's too warm up there and wants to 'switch spots'.
Seriously? You want to be down here you're gonna have to deal with this. Gawd.
Just before I was leaving for work I got a text.
He's sorry about last night. He will try not to be selfish (in bed) anymore. He's sorry he's like that.
He admitted he lied about M - he did do it Monday - but didn't want to get into that last night. Said he failed but doesn't want it to be a 'huge deal.' That he's been doing pretty good - the last time was a month ago.
It seems any reversion to M (probably because of death grip) has pretty far reaching consequences. When he quit P AND M initially things got much better several weeks to a month after. So his M reverts him right back. Is that possible even if it's only once a month? I guess so but would love to hear from anyone else if they've had similar experiences.
He apologized for lying about there not being anything else going on (M) & reiterated he didn't want to go into it because he was worried about work today. He didn't want to lose his job due to lack of sleep. He said he loves me.
I appreciate the apology. I appreciate the honesty. But I am tired. Love is not enough to overcome so much that is lacking. Respect, consideration, affection, intimacy. I am not asking for too much in a relationship. But I'm finally realizing it might be asking too much of HIM.
Thank you. Still taking all the hugs I can get.
You deserve better!
I do deserve better. I know I do. I just wish I could get my questions answered. For whatever reason it feels important to know even though rationally I'm aware it doesn't really matter. How I feel in this relationship is all that matters. But still I yearn to know if his continued issues (both in & out of the bedroom) are all, mostly, partially, or at all a result of his M, rare as he claims it to be. Or due to him fantasizing/ogling. Etc. Etc.
Recovery from this awful business depends on rebuilding trust and transparency and putting in 100% effort. Instead there's little to no transparency and some but not much effort, all of which adds up to hardly any building of trust.
I need to straighten my head and heart and spine and just do this already. Breathing. Gotta keep breathing. Anger and frustration, don't fail me now.
I thought things were getting better. Right when I was about to walk. A med change had made for a total 180 with him. More affectionate. Seemingly more considerate. More present. Great. For two or three weeks now.
Then today I found a random photo in his phone (wasn't snooping, it popped up while I was texting his friend at his request). Him, looking drunk, wearing a veil. Strange right? Apparently on his guys night last week, a wedding party came into the bar and he got to wear the bride's veil for awhile. I asked him why he didn't mention it. Sounds like a funny story right? He said he didn't like the photo and also it felt flirty even though he didn't really talk to her or anything. It bugged me. Gnawed at me. He deliberately hid it. Not ok and he knew it. If he would hide something so minor what else? How can I trust anything?
I told him how I don't feel comfortable going out with him because it sucks to see your SO check out other women. Then I clarified the difference between seeing an attractive person vs taking it a step further and fantasizing about them. That I consider fantasizing about others a form of cheating. That hurt his feelings I guess. Me accusing him of cheating. Apparently with me he doesn't (don't believe it) but when drinking, with guy friends it's the latter. Points for honesty? I do appreciate it but ouch. Knowing that every moment I'm not there (and yeah probably when I am) he could be mentally f'ing the female populace just crushes me.
How is that different than P or Psubs? It's not. He was never in recovery. At best a dry drunk. And really not even that since he only gave up what he considers to be porn. No wonder things didn't progress any further with his sex issues. OUR sex issues. No wonder I still feel a lack of respect or appreciation/ value from him most of the time. I wonder how much more alcohol it would take for him to emotionally or physically cheat instead of 'only mentally.' How can I ever feel safe or secure when he's out without me, drinking or whatever. Independence and alone time are critical. I need to be able to trust my partner to be respectful of me and the relationship whether I'm there or not.
I'm ashamed I haven't let go. Mad at myself for staying in this train wreck. Maybe this is my rock bottom. I hope so. I can't let the same person keep hurting me with different versions of the same thing. I want a forever person and I most certainly do not want THIS as my forever.
Your words all sound gravely familiar Sry your feeling this way. It's a roller coaster isn't it!? Not a fun ride though.
Thanks for that. Was feeling really alone and acknowledgment helps. I'm just so damn tired of this. All of it. I'm exhausted.
I literally walked away from him telling me every guy automatically pictures women naked. That it was totally ok for him to tell me that the sight of high schoolers made him need to jack off. Or that it doesn't affect the relationship. That I should understand that's what guys do. Just the way it is.
I just wanna how you walked away with out your fist in his throat. Ffs the shit they say and just expect us to swallow it with a spoon of sugar and be OK dear I understand.
That's not the way it is! My Lord! You don't deserve to be on the receiving end of that comment. I wish I could hug you!
As you can tell, it's normal for someone to hear that type of comment and be upset by it.
Don't let the shame over power you. It feeds the little voice in your head that says "Things can't possibly get worse so why leave now?" And guess what? There is a chance they CAN get worse. If you stay make sure you take measures to protect your sanity and detach from his emotional condescension. While he may or may not be aware of his actions, it's still no excuse for his behavior. You don't have to put up with that. So if you stay, please make it clear that you do not agree with his perspective and expect him to at least respect your opinion, even if he chooses to disagree with it.
And if you leave...focus on your own happiness before looking for your forever person. You need time to feel appreciated and respected. Plus who knows, they say self confidence is a big attractor. Perhaps your forever person will find you when you least expect it.❤️❤️
No not every guy sees HS girls and needs to jack off that's nasty.
He is not in recovery when...
...he is coming up with excuses instead of explanations
...he is moving the spotlight away from himself
...he is getting defensive, instead of taking ownership of his actions
...he is facing relapses with indifference, instead of learning from them
...he is not acknowledging your suffering
...he is not making any progress
You have all the facts you need for an educated decision. I only followed your thread, and even I've had enough by now. Not only are you making yourself suffer, you're making him suffer as well. Just as you deserve to be happy, he deserves to be happy as well, but he simply can't be, as long as he's not in recovery. You're enabling him by staying with him, you're making his addiction worse. Every time he does something wrong but isn't facing the consequences for it only reinforces his self-destructive behavior. By showing him every day that he can both indulge and not pay the price for it, you're literally feeding his addiction.
If you can't bring up the courage to do the only right thing for the both of you, how can you expect him to? He's still caught up in addictive thinking and brain fog, while you never ceased to see things exactly like they were. It's about damn time that you finally stand up for yourself, and this time, there can't be any second thoughts. He had more than enough opportunities to make a change, but he made no effort on his own. You can't recover on his behalf, he has to do that by himself. The only thing you can do is take care of yourself and finally stop the suffering. Don't wait until you reach rock-bottom, that could take years, as we all know by now that you have an inhuman pain threshold. Create his rock-bottom, and make it count this time! As a mostly recovered PMO addict myself, I can honestly say that finally reaching rock-bottom was the best thing that happened to me in my whole life. I can't stress this enough, it was like I'm finally able to see in color, instead of black and grey. I'm experiencing true happiness like never before in my life. If you owe him just one thing, then it's not standing in his way to recovery, and since all your lamenting about how much his addiction hurts you didn't help, you simply have to follow through with consequences. I know it sounds harsh, I know that you still love him, that you don't want to hurt him, but there really is no other way. You asked for tough love, here it is. You have to make a change, it's the only thing that matters right now.
I totally identify with his confession about imagining every (attractive) woman as naked and seeing HS girls making him want to M.
In my experience these are standard feelings for an SA indulging in long term PMO where the mid 20's / early 30's P actresses are dressed like and acting to be HS aged. The category in the P site indexes is "Teens" and I would say it's the largest, most in demand P category there is. So he is not alone.
It's shitty news to get but on the plus side it IS communication and it IS a solid verbalisation of his problem. I would cling to that as some sort of positive.
Saying 'all guys do it' is an exaggeration / delusion. So that needs to be set aside as a complete waste of time to dwell on or debate.
IMHO he is in a half way house / messed up stage. He knows he has a P + ogling problem and "Teen" fetish.
In my experience - quitting P and PMO really turns the volume down on all those real world / walk around porn influenced thoughts.
my advice - get him to use this method to reduce these sort of thoughts. It's easy.
Give him an ultimatum to go to couples counselling - if this target is not met in a defined time frame, split. (ie we get ourselves into regular weekly counselling before Xmas - and leave him in the new year if this doesn't happen)
But for the present day - cling to the positive that there is at least SOME honest communication between you about his porn brain issues.