Top 4 Funniest Reviews of Haribo Sugar Free Gummy Bears

Discussion in 'Off-topic Discussion' started by S777, Aug 13, 2017.

Which one of the Top 4 did you find the funniest?

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  1. S777

    S777 Fapstronaut

    "Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!

    First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety...I was a happy camper.

    BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.

    Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.

    But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.


    I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.

    I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands.

    Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying.

    Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5 pound bag left. She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can't imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump.

    If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don't post a video review during the aftershocks.

    PS: When I ordered these, the warnings and disclaimers and legalese were NOT posted. I'm not a moron. Also, not sure why so many people assume I'm a man. I am a woman. We poop too. Of course, our poop sparkles and smells like a walk in a meadow of wildflowers. Thanks for all the great comments. I've been enjoying reading them and so glad that the horror show I experienced from snacking on these has at least made some people smile."

    "I found out about these little gems via the interwebs a month or so ago. I talked to my office colleagues and we decided it was the perfect gift for our field crews who complain about us office guys being soft. We set these out on a Friday, and immediately the guys dug into the sugarless gummy deliciousness. Sadly, it took too long for the affects to set in on that Friday. Apparently by around 7:00 that night all hell broke loose:

    Guy 1- "I was at the bar after work with my wife, all of a sudden I felt a extreme warmth over my body, shakiness, and the worst stomach cramps I've ever had. I hobbled to the bathroom and had barely sat down when I unleashed a rainbow fury of porcelain cracking excrement (he didn't say excrement). I used a 1/2 roll to clean myself up, checked for cracks, and flushed the gummy bear apocalypse down he drain. I left the bar with my wife for the 9 minute drive home... I didn't make it." He had roughly 4 handfuls about 3-4 hours before. He spent all day Saturday on his throne and in his recount said his "o-ring" actually got so chapped he was bleeding, and asked if there was some medicine for that.
    Fast forward to Monday- they haven't figured it out yet

    Guy 2- "I felt so bloated that I wanted to die, then outta no where my stomach hurt so bad I was almost doubled over. I tried to get in the bathroom, but it was occupied. I went to the front office bathroom and "kinda made it"." I found out he actually sharted and threw his underwear away. He also spent the day with a wad of TP shoved in his butt crack "just in case". This is when things got bad- My desk is 30' away from the bathroom easy and the stench was just... I... I... I can't even describe it. We sprayed Lysol, but it just smelled like someone crapped & died on a pine tree.

    Guy 3- I feel bad for this guy and his partner, they got called out on a service call in 8° weather to climb 40' in the air to look at something. Secondhand info from his partner- "Dave farted non-stop from the time he left the office til we go to the jobsite (20 minute drive in a reg cab box truck). I rolled the window halfway down, and luckily had some gum to get away from the stinch. Dave starts complaining about how bad his stomach messed up, but climbs up to where he needs to be, with guy 3 on the ground. Dave starts his diagnosis, and then suddenly just stands straight up, looks down at guy 3, and scuttles to the ladder. He made it down 40' ladder in less than 45 seconds and stiff-legged it to the box truck." Guy 3 checks on him 12 minutes later- "The smell was FN horrendous, he tried to make it to the 5 gallon bucket (Note: our line of work it's what you use with a bag in it), but he didn't quite make it. He had gotten his coveralls off, jeans off, underwear off when it hit. He sprayed 4' away from where he was with liquid poo/bears on the box truck floor, and finally made it to the bucket." Turns out they had to scrounge around the jobsite to find "material to use as oil-dri to clean up the mess."

    The other 3-4 guys who tried them had bad experiences as well. These things are the real deal, eat with caution, or get some revenge on your coworkers. They were delivered to them in a sealed bag with my own personal warning my body didn't agree with them. The warning is stamped on the back of the bag. These things are basically bagged, multi-colored, little satans."

    "Unfortunately, I was unaware of these reviews before consuming satan's little death bears. After reading that these little jewels were made in Austria, I imagine a rouge Nazi chemical weapons scientist escaped to austria after the war and set up shop making unsuspecting masses suffer for their defeat.

    My experience started like many others, some customer dropped off some bags of these for Christmas, after looking at them for the better part of a month I decided to eat some. The first day I had about 20-25 of them, that night i experienced some slight discomfort and crazy dreams , but I did not associate it with the demon spawn gummy bears. The next day, I had about a handful more of these delicious little devils and all hell broke loose. After several short trips to the bathroom and gas noises like I have never heard coming from my stomach before, I decided to head home, but first stop by the store to pick up some antacids.

    Just as I got inside my local grocery store it hit me, I broke out in a cold sweat, my hands were clammy and the pain from my lower intestine was unreal, it felt as if Satan himself was reaching inside of me and spinning my intestines on his finger. I was around ten isles away from the back corner where the public bathroom was located when Satan's little helpers let me know I was not going to make it there. I immediately started to walk like I was trying to hold a golf ball between both knees and waddle to the back isle all the time praying I could keep my sphincter closed long enough. Those ten isles might as well been ten miles, it was not going to wait, about this time I spied another pair of doors marked employees only and pushed my way inside. I saw a small bathroom for employees and went straight to it, all the while a stock boy is trying to stop me and tell me I can't use it. I stiff arm him from my football days and say in what must have sounded like a demonic voice from hell " I'm sick, back off".

    To my immediate relief I got the door shut and locked just in time for Mt. St Helen's to blow, Unfortunately ,I was not able to sit fast enough before spraying the back wall and toilet tank with a putrid black paint. At that exact moment, I did not even care, I was so relieved to have this sewage pouring out of me so violently that I could have levitated off the seat of the toilet if I wasn't holding on to the handicapped bars for dear life, I swear there are probably small dents in the stainless steel bar where my fingers were. After what seemed like an hour, I felt safe enough to stand and start the long clean up process, to my horror, I looked down to notice two mostly empty rolls of toilet paper. Are you freaking kidding me? This is a grocery store with pallets of toilet paper, right? After several minutes of trying to macgyver a solution, my only option was to ask the poor soul who had been knocking on the bathroom door for the last thirty minutes to please get me some paper. In retrospect, I should have asked for a dozen boxes of baby wipes as well.

    After doing my best to clean what I could, I made my hasty retreat. I never understood how someone could spray fecal mater on a wall until now, clearly they had some of these delicious spawn from hell. I can never go back in this store as I am sure they all have some grainy picture from their video system taped to all the registers, with my picture on it, as the guy who horribly desecrated their beloved employee bathroom. Thanks Haribo, now I have to shop at the more expensive store down the street, I can never show my face in their again, I am still the guy the new employees get told about to watch for, sorta an Urban legend by now.

    Read these reviews with skepticism if you must, but if I had seen them they would have saved my three days of my life. I still have some kidney pain but I am making a full recovery. I would not wish these on my worst enemy. You are warned!"

    "As some of you know, recently there has been a lot of attention on Facebook about the Haribo Sugarless Gummy Bears sold through Amazon. Like many of you I have also read these reviews. They are extremely hilarious. As I read, I had tears streaming down my face and laughed so hard that my silent laugh came out. It was one of the best ab workouts I have ever had. But, I was skeptical that they were true. My husband and I even wondered if those reviews we read were a secret creative writing contest. So, in my need to know I bought some of the gummies in question. I waited two days for them to arrive on my doorstep.
    Then like the curious cat, at 9 pm at night I sat down on the couch and ate 14 very tasty gummies. Then I waited. Skeptical.
    An hour and a half later my belly started rumbling. Gas rumbles carry a very different tune than hunger rumbles. But nothing happened other than that. So I went to bed. During the night however, I was awaken several times by lengthy thunder rolls under the covers, all produced by moi. So as the night progressed I felt my stomach grow with gas. I also felt like the thunderess gas was about to go from mild annoyance to intense sharting. I just couldn't tell when that would happen. And since I was experiencing gas bombs about 1 per every 10 minutes, each lasting about 10-15 seconds, I figured I better get to the bathroom. After reading the reviews and experiencing it thus far, I knew what to expect next...
    So my first few trips to the bathroom were safe. The only experience was the massive echoes coming from my toilet. Picture every sound imaginable, from trumpets blowing in angelic choirs to dying and screaming wildebeasts getting eaten alive in the plains of Africa... And yes, you could even hear the lionesses growling in the undertones. The smell was something of a mix of dead and rotting skunk to sewage plant filled with corpses.
    Probably my 10th trip to the throne and the sharting began. Explosive. It made my toilet look like it got sprayed with sticky brown confetti. I was impressed. Over and over that happened until the giant finally came at about 8:30 am, as my rectum proceeded to give birth to a large size poo child into the commode. I completely unloaded. I am pretty sure I lost about 5 lbs. My poor toilet was completely unprepared for the act of war that those 14 colorful little bears raged upon it. Now my toilet is so clogged that the plunger won't even work. I have to wait for a plumber to come clean it out this week sometime...
    You would have thought it ended there... No. The rolling gas and bloat continued. But I felt the need to go to the gym. I am on a workout streak right now, and I didn't want to break my trend. I thought "no problem. I'll just take 4 gas-ex!" After eating my minty gas-ex, I headed off to the gym with my sweet smelling breath and my "death becomes her smelling" budunkadunk.
    It takes about 7 minutes to get to the gym from my house. It got 'thick' in my car. i obeyed all traffic laws for fear of being pulled over and arrested for attacking the officer with lethal gas. My stomach's protested the whole ride. "Do we have to go?!" And "Are you sure you want to do this?! I plan on making your life a living hell!"
    Gas worked its way out of me 2 more times from the car to the YMCA gym doors. I allowed that to happen because I had a feeling it might get 'real' in the gym. It was Thursday (yoga day), but due to my situation I decided to forgo yoga. I just knew all that bending and relaxing was not going to go in my favor. I was fairly positive I would not have made any friends that day. And, I feared might even be kicked out of yoga entirely, until I had a physicians note stating I as safe to be around people again.
    So I spent my time lifting in the 2nd floor gym. But, before I did that I decided to go one more round in the 'woman's only' locker room. I was hoping that the room would be empty because I was going to be loud. Not so. It was filled with many old bitties walking about in their naked flabby skin. I guess water aerobics just got out...
    Moving on...This time I held toilet paper to my sphincter in order to muffle the chorus. It worked, but I had to keep switching out the toilet paper bunch because of sharting. Luckily I kept my hands clean. After 5 minutes in the stall I decided I better head up and get to my workout.... I was expecting the bitties to come a'knocking to check in on me... Make sure that that death smell wasn't me actually dying.
    I spent an hour working out. Upper body. I didn't want any jostling causing a slip up down under.
    At about mid-day the gas eased up. But it didn't stop until after a full 24 hours.
    So I decided that was enough for me. I took the candies to my husband's office. He is an OBGYN. I put the colorful little bears in a pretty glass candy bowl. I warned all his staff not to eat them. A midwife didn't believe my warning, however. She got to have her own experience, during which she had to deliver 2 babies.
    Now we are watching the gummies slowly disappear because the night time cleaning staff always steals my husband's candy that I leave for him in his office. I am pretty sure whoever it is will have made an appt with a GI doctor by now because they can't figure out why their stomach and intestines are trying to kill them every night.
    Hope you enjoyed my cautionary tale...."
  2. There are over 3,500 reviews of these on amazon! Way more fun than reading nofap forums...

    "I didn't feel the need to plan my weekend around 5 small gummybears. But if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.
    It began with a noticeable change in the viscosity of my saliva. Within minutes of consumption, my mouth had filled with a thick foamy slime. Though I was in a cool climate controlled room a salty sweat broke out, and I felt my heartbeat quicken as my body threw itself into fight or flight.
    The animal noises broadcasting from my pelvis were an ominous warning of the violent acts that were to follow. I shouldered my way into the bathroom, clawing at my belt, moaning with pain. The smell came first. It started sweet, almost tangy. That was quickly overpowered by a cloying chemical perfume.
    The first volley of feces hit the water like soda cans and nickles. The resulting splash drenching my bottom in foul brackish water, but this was quickly becoming the least of my worries.
    After another moment, the noises in my core hit a fever pitch and I was struck rigid with pain. The sweat was now running into my eyes, but the room had turned ice cold and my hands began to spasm.
    I felt an insidious burning flooding my escape hatch. I gasped. Hot yellow poison began spraying from my rear, changing in pitch and echo as the stream of diarrhea whipped around the toilet bowl, creating a nightmarish Doppler effect that can only be appreciated in hindsight.
    My legs fell asleep sitting on the toilet. I couldn't have stood up if I wanted to.
    Wiping was a no-go. Toilet paper simply became a vile paper mache'. My hands were quickly soiled. A full blown shower was needed, and all of my towels had to be burned.
    So happy with my purchase, would recommend to friends and definitely buying again!"
    sparkywantsnoPMO likes this.
  3. Arbiter007

    Arbiter007 Fapstronaut

    This was pretty funny. Gave me a good laugh!
  4. Okay, these are pretty great, but what the hell is wrong with this person??
    Arbiter007 likes this.
  5. red gyarados

    red gyarados Fapstronaut

    that’s what you do when people won’t stop stealing shit
  6. Arbiter007

    Arbiter007 Fapstronaut

    lol, the joke was taken pretty far
  7. LewisBrunner

    LewisBrunner Fapstronaut

    People use gummy bears to soak up alcohol and make gummy bear shots all the time. One could simply do a decent extraction on some ayahuasca, and grind everything down to a powder. Once you have this powder, divide it into equal dosages. Put into a shot glass, to fully dissolve all the actives. While this is still hot and everything is absorbed, drop a gummy bear into the glass. Let it soak up all the actives and you now have an active dose of ayahuasca contained in a little gummy bear.

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