Total destruction

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Victor1999, Dec 6, 2018.

  1. Victor1999

    Victor1999 Fapstronaut

    Hi guys, i don't even know where to start. What im taught, it's best to start with introducing yourself. Hi, im Victor, im 19 years old univestity student from Europe. I have a sexual disorder which i can't yet define. All i know is that i need help.

    So... My problems started about 2 years ago. I've gotten out of a long kinda fu*ked up relationship, and it ended in a way where i was humiliated, and she was a "winner" to say. I wouldn't go into details, but lets just say i was really humiliated, my pride was hurt, i was publicly shamed. And i still had strong feelings for her, so i did not resist, i kept trying to get things back the way there were, but it did not work.

    After that it slowly started. My entire life i was interested in dating women, having sex with women. I was known as very sexual and romantic boyfriend and it was going pretty well for mE with girls for the most part of my teen years. After the relationship, though, i've gotten into femdom and cuckold fetish, at first. Then it slowly started changing into sissyfing, feminization and finally crossdressing fetish. The first year was not good. I couldn't escape from toughts of being a sissy, worthless man, that is worth only of serving a stronger alpha man. It started effecting my life, i started being obedient in all segments of life. I stopped training, i stopped doing any of my hobbies, every time i would enter a conflict with another person i would back off and show obedience. I just always thought day by day that i am a worthless sissy human being, i was watching sissy-hypno, dressing in womens clothes, watching sissy and transexual porn, forcing myself to watch naked picture of strong and gifted men, doing makeup.
    Everyday i felt more and more miserable.
    Second year was-different. I became kind of a funny looking, fat, unattractive person with low-self confidence, that has not had any sexual interaction what so ever in a year. The new things that i started to do was to self-humiliate my self, like, for example, do my makeup and lay on a dirty bathroom floor with my face facing the ground. Also i started living alone, so i had plenty of time to explore. I mastrubated a hell lot more, discovered web cams and chats.
    Anyway, one morning i just got out of bed with an idea, okay, why be miserable, why just don't accept who i am? I am a sissy, or a crossdresser. I will live like one. I got kind of releived, so i singed up for some dating sites and apps, searching for "boyfriend". This one guy appeared, he was to say, perfect. A muscular man, gifted, said to be very experienced in dominance and sissy fetish. After exchaging photos, we agreed that i come to his place. I did, all dressed up as he requested. He was waiting for me, naked. And that momment, when i saw a naked man, waiting for me on a bed looking at me with hunger, i realizied what i disgusting scene it was. I wasn't attracted to men, i did not want to have sex with him. Yet i was standing in front of him, dressed up, with him waiting. It was hard but i explained that i don't want to do it, he got kind of mad, but i did not care. He was a stranger anyway. I went home with a taxi, with a smile on my face. I reailized something...

    So, i want to be clear that i don't want to judge transexual or gay people. I am all for sexual freedom. But my problem is that for 2 years, every time after i finish masturbating wearing women clothes, or watching a sissy based pornography i end up being miserable. I do not have thoughts of kissing a man, i do not get sexually exited when i see a man, i've never could say that i wanted to have sex with any male on earth. It was an idea, of being obedient, totally freed of all masculinity and pride, that turned me on. In the last couple of months, it's not even a turn on, it's an addiction. Everytime i feel sad, or depressed, which is now often i force myself to watch sissy porn, i dont event like it anymore. I can not define what is exactly my problem. I try to connect it with that girl, my feelings for her were pretty damn strong, maybe my exit from awfull feeling of losing her just got worse and worse?
    Idk, i don't even care about her anymore, i care about myself now, for the first time after a looong time. When i think rationaly, i really want to find a girlfriend, i started training again, got some new clothes and stuff so i look good as i used too, some of my old charm is coming back i think, i get to talk to a bunch of girls daily. Yet, i don't feel ready for a relationship. There are these flashbacks of me doing those disgusting things that pull me back. I still have that addiction, i now rationaly look at is as an addiction, but i still do it. So i figured, i am young, even if it takes a couple of years, i want to destroy every inch of that problem, i want to crush it like a bug, i want it to dissappear, everything in this world is possible, i think i can do it. The best way to start is i think, other than training, and getting my shit together in life, is to get my sexual life back to normal step by step, NOFAP is the thing i definitely want to try.

  2. Sounds like you have had a long duration of porn escalation. The mind always seeking the next more "exciting" or different thing to get and maintain it's fix.
    This starts to fade as you stay away from PMO.
    Read, learn and start making your plan. It sounds like you have a good reason, keep that in mind always.
    Make your plan strong, there will be hard times.
    Never be afraid to reach out for help.
    You're not alone.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  3. Great that you’ve come on here and shared your story. Getting it all out is a first step.

    *****Perhaps some triggers here*****

    For me I was escalating into wearing women’s underwear and using anal sex toys in order to get more sexual stimulation. The humiliation part was also a fantasy. But for me I’d write out stories about me getting humiliated by a man.

    I threw all my women’s undies and sex toys away. I went to a therapist and got on the road to recovery. I’m back to desiring woman and no thought of going to bed with a man. It was hard but I’m finally PMO free for over three months with no desire to go back to that hell I was in.

    Keep coming here and seek advice. If possible I suggest going to professional counseling, it helped me a lot. I also attend Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings from time to time. I find that helpful too.

    Best wishes to you!

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