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Tracking success

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by PaulBaron, Aug 6, 2014.

  1. PaulBaron

    PaulBaron Fapstronaut

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    The banner at the bottom of the signature is helpful to me. It also helps with other non fap related issues. However, it's only a negative counter. I find the need for both types of counters; negative and positive. A positive counter would track what I did achieve. Like: doing daily pushups. Riding my bike.

    I wish to track: doing aerobic exercise at least 3 times per week, pushups & pyllups daily, study something daily....
    On the negative side I wish to track avoiding sweets to certain extent, completely avoiding porn, and keeping MO in limits....

    Does anybody know of a good app that could suit me? I did find a few, but they weren't satisfactory. Not enough control to define my goals and track them.
    I'd also like a history option, to be able to see my prodress.

    Thanks, Paul.
     
  2. thepersonathome

    thepersonathome Fapstronaut

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    Get a calendar and write how long you were on your bike for, or how many push ups you did. Also every time you avoid pmo circle the date or something.
    You can also use spreadsheets like on excel, if you want to keep it more private.
     
  3. PaulBaron

    PaulBaron Fapstronaut

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    This is what I do right now. Looking for something better.
     
  4. thepersonathome

    thepersonathome Fapstronaut

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    ah ok. well if you do find something I would be interested in hearing what it is. :)
     
  5. PaulBaron

    PaulBaron Fapstronaut

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    I'm clean from P 4.5 days.
    I MO twice or 3 times a day. I avoid pornographic fantasies. I fantasize affectionate lust. And love.
    I recall the elf.
    I think about things I would actually try if the people involved (and chaney first of them) were OK with it.

    I have things to do - and I DO THEM. Just for me, to advance in whatever I feel I need to :)
     
  6. IGY

    IGY Guest

    You cannot remember if you masturbated 2 or 3 times today. You say you avoid pornographic fantasies but you think about things you would actually try if the people involved were OK with it! I imagining sexual acts with others is a pornographic fantasy. Clearly, your self-deception and rationalisation driven by your sexual addiction has consumed you. Have you not realised that if you stopped masturbating with these lustful thoughts, you would view porn less and you might have a chance of rebooting and rewiring your mind?
     
  7. PaulBaron

    PaulBaron Fapstronaut

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    I strongly disagree!
    I viwe the world VERY differently than our western education and culture views it. I don't believe in monogamy. I think it's unnatural, that it served many goals, and still does - but it's not something that's made to last forever, and I strongly believe that the western culture is drifting towards something new, much more liberated sexually.
    I found that every time I try to stop MO forcefully, I end up with total relapse. I wish to stop my porn addiction AND I DO NOT WISH TO STOP LIKING SEX, OR HAVING HEALTHY LUST!

    Last thing: I don't see how could you compare my fantasies about hugging, kissing and cuddling with a woman I like - to porn, where the visions are much more "gyno" kind?

    No deception here I'm accomplishing EXACTLY what I wish to accomplish.

    You guys here are sicker than sick!
    You fear the temptation so much, that you turned to bann any lustful thought as if it were bad.
    Well - it's like treating obesity with extreme fasting instead of a healthy diet!
     
  8. IGY

    IGY Guest

    I was simply addressing the fact that over the last two months you have been looking at porn ever other day (on average).

    You say you are accomplishing here exactly what you want to accomplish (i.e. no porn at all for four months). I respectfully suggest that your current views and method is not working and that was the purpose of my post. I have no reason or intention to disrespect you or upset you, Paul, so I am sorry you seem to have taken it that way. Nevertheless, just because I offer a different point of view and approach to resolving your addiction does not make me sicker than sick!

    I wrote in good faith, trying to be helpful, and I did not resort to hurling insults.
     
  9. monkotto

    monkotto Fapstronaut

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    i think first you need the extreme fasting (for several months) afterwards you can change into a healthy diet. we are speaking about a distortion in the brain wich we built up over years.

    it is not easy to blank out all the hard porn stuff we consumed.

    therefore you need a hard sanction.
     
  10. PaulBaron

    PaulBaron Fapstronaut

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    The last couple of days were smooth as butter.
    Friday morning I had a group meeting where I met Naomi, a woman with whom I had exceptional chemistry before. It's kind-of that I fell in love with her. So this friday we gave eachother a long hug, and there it was again. (No physical reaction, for all those who think I'm a sex maniac... you totaly misread me. I'm a love-maniac). After being for about 4 hours with her (and 20 more persons) in one room, I got to the conclussion that some chemestries are just "there". And were I not back again in a monogamous marriage (at leat temporarily) then I'd tend to act to the feelings I have.

    Back at home in the afternoon my wife asked me how was the meeting. I told her about my feelings, which are not new to her. We had a long conversation about monogamy, jealousy, our own relationship. About how she too fell in love with her lover when we were with this couple.
    It was a loving conversation that brought us close.

    After a nice dinner with the kids that we prepared together in a joyful harmony, we went dancing. I danced a few songs with Arlene, a young woman whos studies with us this dance in a course. Chaney knows I have a thing for Arlene. There are lots of slimmer and younger girls that practiced with us. It's not about hitting on a chick, nor about objectifying women. It's about real chemistry with a person.
    This dance is very close, physically. When Arlene first puts her hand on my shoulder and leans her head against mine - I feel at home. Relaxed. Mmmm... and emotionaly-tense at the same time. Happy. I wish we could just take her home.
    Late at night when we came home, I fantasized about bringing her home with us - not as a fling. To live with us in a polyamory triad. I fantasized about having children with her. This romantic fantasy turned me on - sexually.
    Go figure.

    Saturday we woke up late, and went for a long bike ride. moer than two hours.
    Chaney was over with her period, so when we went to sleep we could... but I was tired. Wasn't reacting sexually. Her imposing monogamy on me after 4 years with our lovers, mixed with the feelings I still have for my "Elf" (and feelings that Chaney has too for him) - makes it difficult for me to just engage in sexual activity with Chaney. I have too many hard feelings collected during these four years, where I couldn't perform well with "the elf" (wilst with Chaney everything was perfect), and too many strange feelings due to the rebooting.
    We caressed, and I ended up going down on her. She gave me erections a few times - but nothing that drove my lust to want to have her. The feeling is strange, because I'm totaly certain about my love for her... but it's just not that sexual currently. It's tender and friendly. Even cuddly. But not lustful.
    During our nightly tired make out my mind drifted (as many times it does) to "the elves". I EDd with her many times, but was ALWAYS crazy with lust and love for her. Now that it's been 3 months since she broke up the relationship, it's the first time that she comes to my mind in such a situation - and the effect it has on me is neutral. I think that had she been instead of Chaney that moment, I'd still act with little interest.
    What DID turn me on (a bit) was the memory/thought of Chaney with her lover. Or the thought of Arlene.
    The mind is such a tricky thing!


    Today:
    I'm completely alone at home. Classic situation for relapse. I have to study some boring stuff, and it's classic material to send me to MO as an ill boredom-preventer. Instead I came here. I feel that MO is just less and less interesting, unless I have some romantic fantasy. It's not like I'll avoid MO. I'm against avoiding it, and more than I - Chaney is. However, right now I feel that what my mind wants is to entratain itself. this is not internally-driven healthy lust - it's porn-like stuff.
    I'm not even close to giving up to porn. And strangely I'm not even attracted to it currently. So great! I'll watch some TV, or go rest in the park for a while, taking my study book to alternate between studying and resting. But no more of this nauncense of enclosing myself in a dark room, easting time and stamina, just so I later have to return to the book even more tired and unwilling.

    Bye for now.
    Paul.
     
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2014
  11. PaulBaron

    PaulBaron Fapstronaut

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    Sorry IGY.
    I relapsed every single time I chose even temporarily to refrain from MO. How is it that I'm accomplishing what I want? To start with, I've been clean for 37 days before all these relapses. Second thing, even during the relapses I'm viewing less and less porn. And I feel that the grip of porn on me is getting lighter and lighter. Now I'm clean for a week. Today I had the hardest circumstances, but I didn't relapse nor did I fap at all. So masturbation is OK to my opinion if it's internally driven, by natural passion. But not if it's as an escape from boredom, or as a procrastination excuse.

    I don't belive in treating one extreme with another. I won't fast - I'll diet.
     
  12. PaulBaron

    PaulBaron Fapstronaut

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    Nope, it's not. Yet I don't think that they way is to treat one extreme with another.
     
  13. PaulBaron

    PaulBaron Fapstronaut

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    Thanks. I'll try it.
     
  14. PaulBaron

    PaulBaron Fapstronaut

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    So last night we went dancing again. The last lesson of the course, with lots of free practice, lights dimmed, refreshments - the whole package.
    Again, dancing with part of the women was heart warming. Not in a sexual way! Arlene danced with me the last few songs just before the 'party' ended. We were in an hypnotic trance, cheek to cheek, upper body tightly pressed, legs entangled in coherent movement - just as the specific dance-style requires, but taking the freedom to perform it as intimately as it may get. (Oh well, if you'd really want to take it to the extreme, you could become bolder... turning it from a dance into a vulgar exhibition of lustful movements - and we wouldn't like that). Chaney sais that we looked fantastic, that my dancing indeed improved during this course, and that Arlene looked relaxed dancing with me.
    Now the course is over, but I know I'll meet Arlene on the dancing floor here and there.

    The confined-intimate contact fills a thirst I have for warmth. For delicate intimacy with woman, and not only chaney.


    When we returned late at night, with no kids at home, I played yet a few songs, and practiced a bit with Chaney. We were VERY tired, and fell fast asleep with no more than a few caresses.
    I woke up in an empty room after only six hours of sleep, with an erection. Didn't feel the urge to M to it. It's as if my libido button is pressed to off - yet I'm content. Neither do I worry about it. I know that the button can be switched to ON. I'm certain that I could turn it on to porn - no doubt. I used to get scared, doubt it, and PMO just to prove that my dick is not about to wither and fall... but after many such relapses I know the drill. It's there, and it's working just fine. I don't need to exagerate external artificial stimulations to wake it, and for sure I don't need to use it as a "fun stick" every time I get bored with my work.
    So.... I still claim that refraining from MO is not the way for me. When the natural urge rises - I'll just go ahead and do it. But no P. And no using M as a distraction.



    Since I relapsed after 37 days of no P, I never managed to stay clean for a whole week. Now it's day 8, and I even MOd much less than I usually do.

    What wereqare my goals?
    * Not to be addicted. Not to spend long nights on things that leave my soul drained and my body tired.
    * To magnify the joy and performance I get from copulation.

    I can start to feel the hint of what the first goal tastes like. But to fully accomplish that - I'll have to talk about it from the distance of many more 'clean' weeks, and I'll also have to overcome other methods of procrastination and time-wasting.
    I trust that the process will make the second goal come true too. I'm not limiting myself to Chaney in this. I actually had great sex with her until lately. It's "the elf" the one with whom I EDed. And I wish that somehow, someday, we'll be back together, and that I'll be able to make her happy as a lover should, not just with my words in letters and songs, not only with my caresses, and not only by satisfying her - but also by giving her the joy of satisfying me.
     
  15. PaulBaron

    PaulBaron Fapstronaut

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    OK so I had a romantic-relapse. Kinda.
    Chaney agreed to allow it... I sent a short "hi there" mail to the elves.
    No high expectations here. Neither I think that I am / we are ready right now to return to a sexual/romantic relationship, especially with them. But I'd like it if they kept in touch once in a while, and more I'd like it if they'd wait for us, for when we feel ready to return.
    Well... I'm not competely sure I'll end up wanting to go back there... not if they propose a relationship that is strongly based on sex. I need commitment. I need the feelings to be out in the clear. It was so much more than sex - for all of us (proven (for example) by her needing my letters so much). So I need them to admit it.

    That's it.
    FAP? Oh, no. Not even close. The more I'm content with things - the less I need it. I hope I can stay so cool on bad days.... :)
     
  16. PaulBaron

    PaulBaron Fapstronaut

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    Took them 91 minutes to politely reply. It felt good to read this reply. No pressure on any direction. No rejection, no invitation. Exactly what I needed. The peace of mind, knowing they exist and respond.

    Then Chaney and I watched a movie, and dance a few songs to practice.

    Sweet :)
     
  17. Geyser

    Geyser Fapstronaut

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    Hey Paul, thanks for the PM. I was not aware you started a new journal.

    If there is one thing I have learned in my almost 3 months here it's that we all have to find our own way. My biggest revelation concerning my own reboot was that hard mode was actually detrimental to my efforts. Even though many here swear by it, my withdrawal was so severe that I wold eventually run out of energy and will to continue the fight.

    To recap, I started in hard mode because I was not involved in a relationship. My first two streaks lasted 11 and 20 days respectively. During that time I came to the conclusion I needed more support than I could get from an AP. That is when I confided in Angela about my addiction. I had a sense that even though we were friends we could be more. I'm still not sure where this relationship is headed, if anywhere, but it is working as is for both of us at the moment. So we remain FWB's.

    The second month I crashed and burned. Lapse after lapse and binge after binge. I was unable to go more than a day or two without my "fix".

    The beginning of month three I got my head screwed on straight and made a week, technically. I say technically because even thought the counter read 7 days there were many questionable incidents. Any one of which could have constituted a reset. But I was in such a need of some success I overlooked these infractions. At the end of that week I realized I could not build a healthy recovery with that week as a foundation. So I allowed myself to fap once, which turned into 2 before I was done. Since then I have been the picture of the model reset.

    I am convinced I am being so successful because I am allowing myself the occasional release of pent up sexual energy. My first 2 streaks saw me receive any kind of release, be it through flat line, nocturnal emission, or what have you. Since then I have allowed myself to be stimulated once and orgasm twice. I feel I have so much more control now that everything is not bottled up inside me.

    I have seen where people say they plan to abstain for life. To me this is neither healthy nor necessary. I haven't seen or read anything in all my studies that supports their claims. So, I am left with the conclusion that to be successful you have to figure out whats best for you. Or to put it in other words " To each his/her own."

    I don't agree that your own fantasies are equivalent to pornography. What could be healthier than fantasizing about intimate relations with the one(s) you love? Even the pure fantasy scenarios have their place. Maybe your lover isn't willing to participate in one of your fantasies, or maybe you wonder what something would be like, but not enough to try it. So , even pure fantasy has it's place. But what could possibly be more erotic, satisfying, and healthy than a scenario custom made for you by your own mind to cater to your heart's desires?

    Remember sometimes people get caught up in their own successes or beliefs. They think this is what's working for me, it should work for everyone. Or they have their own stringent belief system for what should work. They forget we are all different people with differing histories problems, and severities of addiction. If we were all the same we would need only one thread to cover every fapstronaut/femstronaut. But there are literally thousands of threads here and tens of thousands of different stories.

    In the end this is not a cookie cutter problem. So, there is not a cookie cutter solution. Best advice I can give is accept the advice you agree with and disregard the rest. Who is anybody to say your success is not real or effective. If it's real for you, then it's real enough and effective for your situation.

    Keep doing what you are doing Paul. You seem to be happier than in days past. That has to count for something. If you believe yourself to be recovering than you are recovering. The mind can be very powerful if we let it.

    Hope you find this helpful Paul. Now that I know you are posting more frequently I will check in more often.

    Best of Luck,

    Geyser
     
  18. PaulBaron

    PaulBaron Fapstronaut

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    Oh, I used this thread as my journal. Mistakenly.
    I'll get back to the other.
    Thanks Geyser, for all. Your understanding cheers me up :)
     

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