Trans Escorts, Affairs, and Cheating on My Wife

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by johnbeechy, Oct 21, 2019.

  1. johnbeechy

    johnbeechy Fapstronaut

    This is a quick coming clean - say it out loud for once. I've been married 10 years. In that time have PMOd constantly (quit twice), I have escalated to trans porn and that escalated into buying sex from trans escorts around 5 times. I have since escalated to the most shocking and dirtiest fetishes (I won't describe it as I don't want to trigger any one) I have cheated on my wife numerous times on bachelor parties, work trips, etc. and I even had a long term affair with a girl. My sexual appetite is insatiable. I constantly think about sex. I can only fall asleep thinking about having sex with girls that are not my wife (usually friends or ex girlfriends). I go to the gym and stay in shape with this twisted idea of being attractive to other girls so I can fuck them. I can't look at women without thinking about fucking them.

    I need help. I know I can beat this, but I'm just not sure how
  2. Im gonna say what I always say:
    Talk to your wife. Period.
    She deserves to know, especially if youre married, and you know that.

    If you let her know about your addiction, and that you are fighting this shit, chances are much higher that she will forgive you and support you if you are honest, rather than having her finding out in any other way possible.

    However, discipline is key.
    Tell yourself to stop, like really say it out loud like a crazy man, and listen to yourself like you would listen to a friend. Stop means stop.
    Whenever you feel urges, do something. 20 pushups, cold shower, look at a picture of a cute animal or whatever might kill your urges.
  3. Hey man, it takes a lot of courage to come out with something like this, but accepting the truth is the first step to changing. I'm no psychologist, but it seems to me that you have your priorities entirely out of whack; and I don't mean that in a shallow sense: I mean in a deep, ingrained moralistic sense, the same way most of us do on this forum.

    You need to re-orient your life around something other than sex. And that's great to say, I'd wager you'd probably already figured that one out at least partially, but how the fuck do you actually do it?

    Ask yourself about the other aspects of your life. You're using sex to escape from something or everything else, no doubt. Is your job draining you day in day out? Is your relationship with your wife/family not what it could be? Is it all of the above, or something else entirely? Hell if I know, but if you really ask yourself what you're running from, you'll probably get an answer. Maybe a vague, diluted answer. But that's something you can work with.

    This is the part where I tell you to go fix whatever's fucked up in your life. But you aren't going to go from running away to everything to drawing a Dane Axe and murdering everyone standing in your way overnight. Start small. Very small. Ridiculously, comically small. Say your house is absolutely disgusting. Nothing's in any sort of order, the floor is stained with cheeto puffs, the works. It's going to take a hell of a lot of effort to set that all right, but not so much to pick up a toy car from off the carpet and put it in a box.

    And after that small task, reward yourself. Think of the reward beforehand, so you have a reason to do the task. Then after you put that toy car in it's place, drink your fucking coffee and be proud of it, because you just improved your situation. Rinse, repeat, and slowly progress to more meaningful tasks.

    You don't have to tell your wife about all of this straight away. But you do have to tell her at some point. Honesty is one of the most important qualities of a man. It's a hell of a lot better to tell her and explain your problem that to let her walk in on you banging a tranny and make her mind up herself.
  4. onceaking

    onceaking Fapstronaut

    Maybe you need to stop going to the gym
  5. huge balls bro! Way to start the conversation.

    Most folks here aren’t sex addicts (just porn addicts) but I am a sex addict and would like to encourage you.

    I would like to read more about what brought you to nofap?
  6. Man I don't think you'll trigger anybody on here because I've read threads where people have escalated to really fucked up shit like bestiality, sissy and child porn. I mean I don't think there can be anything worse.
  7. to be fair ...there are a lot of varying levels of ppl here though. My posts are triggering for some , but as a recovering SA, I know I NEED to share it. I normally do so in my journal now as I have learned the casual quitter is not able to manage real life experiences. The other thing too— is my need to be explicit wanes as I get more and more off my chest.

    it’s motivated by guilt. The catharsis is great when you know you can be heard without being judged. But it’s not a foregone conclusion everyone here knows how to do that.

    i know many do— and thanks to them I’m doing much better. I still have things that I am dealing with but it’s more systematically not as a fairytale gonna be healed all in one week.
  8. You have to take this seriously and be disciplined, everyone finds a way to meet their pmo objectives you have to tell your wife and face the consequences.
  9. johnbeechy

    johnbeechy Fapstronaut


    Thank you for relating to my situation. I need as much encouragement as I can get. I have thought a lot about my addiction. I think I am having a crisis of masculinity or purpose. I used to think being attractive to girls and fucking random girls made me masculine. I still sort of do think like that. But then, as I have grown, and have become the rock for my family, and my children are girls, it's like I am realizing something... I'd be fucking PISSED of any of my daughters married a piece of shit like me - porn addicted, cheating loser. That's not a man. A man would be someone who would set the example for his daughters "THIS IS WHAT A MAN LOOKS LIKE." And that's where I am psychologicaly. Sick of the sneaking away to beat off, sick of looking at anything with a pair of tits and instantly thinking about fucking, sick of flirting with women at social events that my wife is right there for. Who fuckin does that?

    I'm traveling to San Diego for work in two weeks. I am going to read and post every day on here to keep the encouragement not to cheat on my wife. Thank you for your encouragement.

    There's a lot here that you're right about. I am struggling with something big. Maybe it is the thought of having to actually "grow up" and be a man, be a husband, be a dad, be a rock for my family. I am the sole breadwinner. With my own company. I have a lot riding on me. And yet, even though I know that I need to kick ass and take care of business for my family... I avoid it. I jack off instead. What a fuckin loser. Why am I doing this? Why am I putting my entire life in jeopardy. If my wife ever took my kids and left me, I would be absolutely devastated. I would be ruined.

    So this is my commitment. Step 1 of many to take better care of myself.

    Step 1: NoFap for 90 days
  10. High bar man. I will encourage you and be there for you man.

    Can’t wait to read your journal.
    Homelander and Deleted Account like this.
  11. Consencus

    Consencus Fapstronaut

    We're all here for you brotha.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  12. Enwar

    Enwar Fapstronaut

    Please know that God loves you, and that forgiveness is available. Porn is what's making you think about sex all the time. You need to focus on quitting porn primarily.
    Deleted Account and Consencus like this.
  13. marr708

    marr708 Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    I used to tell my wife "I was 10 feet tall and bulletproof." After I confessed all my evil deeds and PMO
    addiction, I felt 3 feet tall and bullet riddled. It seems the lies and double life, I was living, was eating me alive.
    I can feel the anguish in your post as well. As others have stated, quit the porn and your life will change.
    It will not be easy. Best of luck!!!
    Asgardian36 and need4realchg like this.
  14. Seems like you have sex addiction and the masturbating is apart of it. I would say try to seek help as far as the sex addiction goes since it can ruin you.
    Asgardian36 likes this.
  15. KarmaWeaver

    KarmaWeaver Fapstronaut

    Hey John, congratulations for letting that out and seeking to overcome it, bro!

    You are not alone in this, I've been there; the same road. I also bought sex from trans escorts and even went to some sex-parties, induced by my fetishes. See, I have no problem at all with dating trans-women, but I despise paying for sex and objectfying people! Realize that we have no true interest in those people, we are using them for our own twisted pleasures.

    I also saw some very fucked up people in those parties, really depressing sights, and that made me promess myself never to become like that. I saw where that road would lead me, and it only gave me more strenght to quit porn.

    After some time abstaining from porn and masturbation, those fetishes/desires faded. You can do it.
    Asgardian36 and need4realchg like this.
  16. To the OP, I did and thought the same things you have. After being married for 35 years my wife passed away.Now I live with guilt over the fucked up shit I did while married.
    Asgardian36, marr708 and need4realchg like this.
  17. GeorgeJetson

    GeorgeJetson Fapstronaut

    @johnbeechy I have a similar struggle bro. I've been married for 5 years to an amazing woman, have the kids, house, and all the nice things one with a "perfect" life would have. Unfortunately, my addiction takes me to the darkest places I never imagined going. I've held a gun to my head numerous times over the past few years but never could do it once the thought of my wife and children came to me.

    Fortunately, there is a solution and this community is a big part of it. I've successfully experienced the freedom from my obsession at least 3 times while being an active participant in this community. Additionally, I implemented numerous things into my life to help me with my recovery...and it worked. It worked until I started taking those things at a time until I was left with nothing but me and my mind. The relapse came soon after. Each and every time I went down a darker road until now. My porn and random sexting/video chatting addiction has turned to a full blown Asian massage parlor addiction. I never thought I would take it to that level but I did. I fear what could be next. I fear losing my family. I fear having legal issues. But I'm back. I'm back to basics with what worked before. Here's what my daily routine looked liked in the past during the days of freedom from the addiction:

    - wake up and pray, meditate, and shower
    - be a patient father to my kids and get them ready
    - focus on being a good listener to others throughout my workday and avoid long staring at women
    - if I have an urge, hop on nofap and read the boards, post responses, share my experience, share my feelings
    - come home from work and hit the gym - avoid staring at the ladies
    - hang with wife and kids, making sure I'm attentive and present with everyone. Avoid my phone
    - meditate and shower
    - post updates on my day, read and respond to others, stay focused on recovery
    - pray and go to bed

    Thank you for your honesty and being part of this community. Feel free to reach out to me anytime. I'm at an all time low and desperately want that freedom back.
  18. @GeorgeJetson bravo. For your valor in sharing it creates the thick threads of community that remove shame and give all who enter a chance at recovery.

    bravo my friend , for your story.

    the exit of this cycle is not through self loathing, against an increasingly stacked deck of cards with the pain of loss, but rather through the love of those with whom sex addiction disconnects us, principally with God.

    I have been listening to an audiobook by Timothy Keller that is slowly seeping into my unconscious that I would share if you are interested. Let me know.

    until then keep fighting the good fight bro.
    marr708, Asgardian36 and GeorgeJetson like this.
  19. GeorgeJetson

    GeorgeJetson Fapstronaut

    @need4realchg I couldn't agree with you more. My relapse pattern ultimately ends with a complete disconnect with my higher power. However, that typically does not happen until each and every recovery layer is torn away. That's why staying connected in this community, praying, meditating, exercising, helping others, and being completely present in my wife and kids lives is so crucial. Each time I stray from one of those things, I become one step further from my higher power and one step closer to relapse.

    Thanks for your wonderful response, helpful feedback, and overall presence in this community. I look forward to continuing this process (yet again) with people like yourself.
    need4realchg and Asgardian36 like this.
  20. Asgardian36

    Asgardian36 Fapstronaut

    dude..looks like you are the 5 year older version of me! its fucking scary, man! I hope you get the support that you need :emoji_heart: brother!!!

    PS: I am so thankful to you for starting this thread, the responses here are amazing and so supportive! Which reminds me why this place is a safe haven for us who are addicted to PMO and are trying to get rid of the habit and better ourselves.

    Props to you for having your own business, that gives me Hope, man! I hope you do follow the advice you get here, whatever suits you best, man! Please be regular over here and offer support! Participate in the challenges, there's a separate section called "challenges and events" which have several threads where people check in every day like... 3 day challenge, 7 day challenge, 14 day challenge, 21 ...and so on!
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2019
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