Trans Relapse hello again depression.

I get what you’re saying, living in shame and guilt isn’t healthy at all, the deeds been done and we haven’t hurt anybody. Ive been battling it for years t escorts and porn. I got to a point and gave up battling it and went and acted out again with a pretty hot trans, it was an intense fuck and I thought it’s about time I admitted I was bi. Fuck it so what! The next day I went and seen another, not quite the same amount of built up, suspense and anxiety. I was more hesitant at the door. But I was still trying to scratch that itch and had started the process again. I went in She was keen and we got it on, there were moments when I could sense the masculinity and certain things I wouldn’t engage in. High on sexual chemicals I’d blank out any masculine traits and concentrate on the long hair, breasts shaven legs and bum all spiced up with the adrenaline rush of the forbidden. ignoring smells of breath, sweat and probably something else gross! We finished and I kind of left feeling embarrassed, pretending I enjoyed it not to offend her.
Later on that day still trying to accept I’d come out the closet and deal with these emotions. I went and visited the one from the day before that I’d had a great experience with. She was pleased to see me as we’d got on well. But not long into the session I realised I couldn’t kiss her or want to touch anything or even get very hard. It all seems really weird and makes me shudder a bit. I’m not gay or Bi I’ve escalated into this area as an intense escape along with a lot of other factors I’m dealing with. Yea there’s no clean cut 100% not gay or totally homo! And there are days when I’d feel more submissive to other days. But there is not 1 out of about 150 trans escorts experiences where I’ve thought about them being male in any way. The fact that memories of masculinity actually make me physically shudder are probably a good indicator. It’s always about that ultimate feminine, passable t girl with the extra shock value of having a dick! Never do I look past the makeup and hair and tits and surgery and think that’s a cute guy! Infact if I get a good realisation and come to my senses that this is just some weird dude from Brazil say dressed and deformed to be a woman to have a ex with strangers I say I can’t deal with it and get dressed and leave. I seen a t girl years ago when I was visiting female escorts and there was no pull towards that thing back then so it’s obviously escalated from females to femdom/ to trans Let’s face it these doms and femdom escorts are lame asf so it didn’t take long to skip past trying to get decent femdom escort and go for the big arousing hit.

 

Yep I think what you're describing is pretty telling about your situation. The shock heightens your arousal. After doing it once the interest and excitement dropped radically. You divert your focus from certain aspects of the experience.

Imagine if this was you talking about a cis woman. It would be obvious you didn't really like her and you shouldn't be having sex with them anymore. Simple as that. You aren't attracted to the person, you're attracted to "the thought of being attracted" to them. Do what's best for both of you and don't engage in that type of relationship anymore.

 

Concentrate on the positives dude. Allow yourself to be happy you haven’t done anything drastically wrong! You’ve just experimented and stepped into areas that didn’t agree with your taste. Living in shame about it will just make it harder to quit, more taboo and make you miserable. It’s done now move forward and every day will feel better.
Will you ever recover fully from giving yourself a hard time about things is totally up to you

 

You can try to go to therapy, it always a good idea , dont think that u are the only the one with problems.

 

Check out my story. Recovery is totally possible.

Am I a Sissy?? (Actually a good story with happy ending, trust me, read the whole thing)

 

Glad to know porn doesn't affect my brain permanently and that this isn't who I am. Just wish I could get a break from life yknow? I feel like that's what most addicts wish for. Not so much a gf, but rather a couple of days where there in a completely different environment with no financial, physical, or mental debts

 

If you think you have hOcd
You should go to therapy, it will make life easier !