Transcend Porn

something inside me yearns for connection and purpose
lets start with connection, which is complicated for me...because I quickly lose interest in conversation if it stays on the surface, and if there is any sex appeal, then I get stupid, because I compromise my need for depth. "connection" with people can be accomplished in multiple ways...I have never been good at initiating, so what's comfortable for me is allowing someone to approach me, which happens rarely, probably because I have a defensive wall and probably because I spend most of my time away from people, so I don't know, it's frustrating...I think the way to connection for me must be through purpose...
what is purpose? purpose is the drive, purpose is the motivator, purpose is confidence
I have grappled with this idea many, many times and even though I know that we are all unique and have something specific to contribute to humanity, it seems to me sometimes that all is futile, it seems to me sometimes that everything has been attempted, that there is nothing new under the sun; but so what? I mean people do the same shit over and over and over again...it's like riding on the merry-go-round
what is my unique purpose in life? to wank to porn? no
I feel like I just stepped out of the spin cycle in my washing machine, a thirty year long spin cycle
right now more than ever, I feel very separated from people, and that is probably a good thing, because I have no purpose, no confidence in a mission to serve the planet, and I would like to simply vanish sometimes...
I have a family, and I love them, but I live in a solitary world of rhythm and motion and contemplation which I don't like disturbed, no, anything can easily knock me out of this fragile balance of maintaining a form of sanity through isolation and pushing the limits of exposure to other people...it's like a sad melody in a way, but since abstaining from porn and masturbation I am allowing this part of me, namely the predominant persona, to develop with all of the heavy emotions and all of the ups and downs and all of the energy that I am preserving by not ejaculating semen.
Life sucks and it's OK.
I feel tormented and it's OK.
I am an outcast and it's OK.
It's OK to let the authentic parts that have been suppressed to reveal themselves, otherwise I would be stuck in craving bondage porn, because that has been the only outlet for my anger against the female half of the species. Rather, I would like to allow the masculine aspects of my own manhood to surface, which I think is part of this integration process. I have been passive in so many ways, which is the feminine side, and you can see in society that the masculine side in women is manifested in so many ways....

 

another day in paradise or hell? which one? do I choose or do circumstances choose for me?
and regardless of circumstances, whether in external paradise or hell, what is happening internally?
everything is processed in the mind
how will I react today to the circumstances of my life? will I be proactive or reactive?
I wonder if I am an addict...what does it mean to be addicted? what underlies addiction?
I contemplate going to 12 step meetings; around here the only ones are AA that I know of, and yes, I do have or have had an addictive relationship with alcohol; I guess when you sit in the car in the grocery store parking lot wondering whether you should go back in to grab a six pack....I guess when one day you decide to quit drinking and the next you drink, well it's like porn right? yesterday some music I was listening to triggered old familiar thoughts about bondage porn, which of course is my porn preference...domination over women; so again, what underlies the addiction? In my case hatred for women, and why do I hate women? Because I hated my mother.
She is old now, and reconciling my relationship with her is part of the recovery process.
A more recent hatred for my wife has to be dealt with also. the two most important women in my life, and I hate them
I also have two daughters and now two granddaughters, and I love them, so this is really helping.
The recovery process...recovering love.
Is true love the opposite of hate?
Embracing vs rejecting....can I love life? Despite all of the shit, can I love life?
Can I embrace life? Can I start all over again?
Societal norms say no, but what does the Spirit tell me? What do the prophets say? Repent and embrace the kingdom of God....

 

fate or chance?
random or design?
victim or perpetrator?
I envy people who think black and white. For them the world is simple. you are either right or wrong, that's all. so much of this comes from institutional religion, you are either saved or lost...
I tried for many years to believe this and I couldn't, I always was and always will be a grey thinker; I love the transition zones, the Spring and Fall seasons, the dusk and dawn, and the meaning between the lines.
I'm sorry, but nothing in this world is "clear cut"...I quit porn and everything is fine, right? no
Even without porn, life still sucks, and at the same time life is amazing
So, which one is it? Does life suck or is it amazing? It's both, and I can accept both, everything depends on something else, and everything changes all the time.
Last night, lying in bed, I had some old fantasies come back into my head, and I let them play out, because I was tired. But my body did not want to play along this time, I think it's tired and done with masturbation.
No, the melancholy and romantic longing is returning, the same sadness I experienced as a kid. Of course it's different now, because my body is 30 years older, and there is 30 more years of life experience, accumulated memories and karma. Perhaps I can deal with this creatively now....perhaps I already have been by writing on this forum daily. Perhaps nobody here appreciates anything I write, but that is OK, because this is training ground, it's for me, for my personal development, my recovery journey.
I know right now that I will never be "cured", I will never be fully "recovered". Life is struggle, suffering. which is better: cheap happiness or sublime suffering? the latter is better for me, because it represents the human condition. Porn and masturbation have always been attempts to lessen the suffering, but hey only increased it. So, life is not about minimizing suffering, it's about purpose, about a mission, about a reason.
I have always been a solitary person, always been a loner. I think the worst thing that a person like me can do is pull someone else into that loneliness, unless the other person is also a true loner, and my wife is definitely not. So she left, finally. It was always just a matter of time, but thirty years???? wow
well, of course we had kids and had to get through that first
she tried to pull me into black and white thinking...didn't work, no, I'm right back where I was before we met, and honestly, I was doing OK then, but I was not, because I was steeped in porn fantasy
In a way I feel sorry for her...and for myself, for both of us, but she does have children and grandchildren now, which is what she always wanted
what about me? finally on that path again, still a romantic and melancholy lover at heart....

 

a world without porn, a world without perversion
isn't porn a perverted form of sexuality? what else has been perverted by modern society? everything
around here I notice lately how closed up people are, and I have been also
I am letting my hair grow out again and I constantly think that I need to get a haircut...why?
I can 't do anything to speed up the process of growing out my hair, so it's similar to recovery; it's not a process that can be shortened, it has to take it's time
I decided to sit along the river yesterday on the outskirts of our local city and just observe...and despite the high fuel costs, the traffic doesn't appear to have lessened at all, no, everyone continues with their usual business
I wonder how much the usual business fuels the porn industry...so many people don't greet each other anymore, so many people look away or down when approached, yes, our society is perverted when you consider that people would rather interact with a screen than actual people
I do get occasional smiles when I am cycling or running or hiking etc. because there is no agenda, it's just raw movement in the sunlight, something very ancient about this, exposing your skin to the sun while engaged in primal movement, and running or walking are primal movements, also climbing, but people don't climb much anymore
I am guilty of sitting on a piece of land and defending it for the bank, because they are the ones that actually own it, so yes, I am simply a caretaker for the bank, how perverted is that?
what about movies? they are depicting actual life, and we are watching other people act out lives on a screen, isn't that a bit of a perversion?
when we live in a perverted society, well, why wouldn't our sex lives be perverted also?
perhaps the answer is to stop living a perverted life...can we live a natural life within a perverted society?

 

I used to think that physical movement was at least equally as important as diet, but now I think diet is like 90% of the equation. What we put into our bodies as nourishment and how we eat is the foundation for physical health; of course the same goes for the mind, what we consume through our senses....

Our society is over-everything, too much of everything. If people would slow down a bit and occasionally just stop and smell the roses, half of our consumption would go away overnight....
I don't really need much. Good food, a place to bed down and physical and mental health so I can help produce the food we need to nourish our bodies. I like the traditional concept of commune farms as Dexter pointed out. These also create healthy human interaction. You can see how the latest war is interrupting food supply chains...all food can be grown locally, but our profit/money driven capitalist industry has systematically destroyed that type of culture.
The slowest breathing animals live the longest; sea turtles breathe about four times a minute, so yes, as we slow down and chill, we are prolonging our lives.
Too much sex, too much stimulation, over loading of the senses...burn out and fatigue; all modern problems.
Human connection through "social media", sex through "internet porn", business done through "zoom" meetings...what the fuck is happening to modern man? I'm so done with all of this shit.
The answer is the simple life, life in the slow lane, easy does it....get out of debt, sell everything, stop eating shit, stop ejaculating precious semen, move with the flow of nature...
Ultimately, for me, it has always been about a need to connect with other humans in some way, in a healthy way, in love and respect...my ultimate downfall came with marriage/ family/ career/ church and all of that bullshit, keeping up with the Jones's, too much pressure
My 12 step mentor recently told me that my dog has become my higher power, because he loves me unconditionally. Do I love life? Do I love myself? I want to and I need to in order to love others....

 

So much of living is doing the same things over and over again and with time improving those skills, whether the intention is pure or sinister, we can be good at being bad and vice versa; but being bad at being good is better, right? Again, it's all subjective, even truth, I don't care what anybody says, truth is subjective, always. There is my truth and your truth and the minute we say that truth is absolute, we've already established friction, division and enmity.
Learning to live without porn, alcohol and weed is learning to live in some kind of harmonious relationship with a "higher power" of MY definition. I recently sat down with a Roman Catholic church administrator and just chatted, and they have a very systematic doctrine about how the world is supposed to work, which is a combination of "Bible" interpretation, church tradition and authority and the intricacies of the "Holy Trinity". Christ alone is not enough for them. No, there has to be this hierarchy structure that everybody somehow fits into. They still have a lot of people by the balls, because of the fear of "Hell", whereas these same people are already living in hell now! Granted, it's a way of life with certain disciplines that can help individuals stay grounded in some way, if they "believe" in the "faith". My personal higher power or "God" is a kind of "Christ" a divine aspect of the human existence, and I have developed certain practices that I do over and over again that help me, as a matter of fact I could start my own religion with some of these beliefs and practices, but I don't think that people need to follow other people. But they do and always will. I don't want to lead or follow, I just want to be free and every day could be a new revelation.

 

I am back to whatever as long as I don't engage in porn. My wife came yesterday and did laundry and got more stuff...she already has 15 other things going while having abandoned everything here; she also repeats the same shit over and over, and it's complaints about people. So I had to have a beer to calm down after she left. I also still have a joint I might smoke today, I don't know, we'll see. The situation here is fucked, and I might just do the same, just leave like she did before I lose all remaining sanity.
This morning I can celebrate that I didn't engage with the porn demons last night. I had vivid dreams but nothing sexual. My reboot seems different this time, I'm not fighting this so hard anymore. I am going to declare a reboot at 90 days, because that is my previous record, but after that it will be lifelong. I see-saw back and forth between onset of anxiety about debt collectors and not giving a fuck. I am slowly selling shit, but there is so much shit! Stuff, stuff and more stuff, I swear we bought this property only to store things, it's so fucked up.
I would like to meet people...interesting people, not the ones around my neighborhood, I hate all of the locals pretty much, but sometimes I think perhaps I can love them, I just don't know how. I should stop hating the dog first maybe, because the dog is also my higher power, because he loves me unconditionally. We moved here to be away from most people, but now things are different, the kids are grown and gone, and I am twenty again, well, twenty with a lot more physical pains and a little grey hair, but still twenty. I had no idea how to meet people then and I still don't however, so far it's just an occasional smile.
So here I sit, still have not figured out what I want to be when I grow up...how about porn actor? No, my dick is way too small....does any body suffer from this? Small dick syndrome????

 

yesterday I lost track of time....which was really nice for a change
I have this terrible habit of frequently looking at the clock and I hate it! I hate the clock, I hate money and I hate my dog. Why do I hate my dog? Because he is always following me, like a spy, he has to know what I'm doing all the fucking time...why doesn't he mind his own damned business?
This morning I can't tell whether I'm in a bad mood or good mood. Incessant rain has dampened things for sure, but I don't care, whatever. Maybe the world will flood again, and we can all start over!
After two months of no media porn, no masturbation, well, things aren't really that different to be honest, but I can say that overall I feel more stable, less emotional ups and downs and maybe more hormonal balance?
Looking back, the last twenty years have been a fucking shit show, because I thought I needed a woman, just any woman I guess...and somehow I still struggle with this. But I don't pursue, I have always allowed them to come to me, and why is it that I attracted problematic females?
The Dr Jekly vs Mr Hyde syndrome has subsided somewhat, because I am now living here alone with the dog. I know that right now I have to keep my distance from things, from people, from everything. But my mission should become clear at some point...I was hoping. Amidst the wreckage, so many lost opportunities, so many missed crossroads, so many chances...is this a grieving period? An adjustment to the new developing persona? I think it was about five years ago that I did a 90 day "reboot", but something happened to pull me right back in, and I don't remember what it was...it doesn't matter, things are different than they were then. This time I am facing freedom, or at least freedom from emotional dependence on another person, which is a big deal. Again, I think the porn thing to some degree always was a need to connect but also a need to express, maybe more of a need to express actually. Expressing the anger, frustration and rage through fantasy. I think it started as a need for nurturing when I was a kid, and as I got older, it became more hardened and violent, so the porn career develops over time and reflects the changing mental landscape of the individual. I noticed that when I was going to AA meetings I still hated women, so the AA meetings with all of these pathetic 30 something female addicts, just fueled the porn use. I think my so called sponsor knew it wasn't about alcohol for me, but a much deeper sexual problem. I am now learning that "spilling seed" is very damaging, and my addiction to solo ejaculation has been my worst addiction by far. Alcohol and cannabis don't even compare to the damage I inflicted on myself through incessant masturbation and ejaculation. To me, sticking my dick into a woman, only to do the exact same thing with a live person, that's still masturbation and ejaculation, there is almost no difference for me, but of course it's more complicated because I just spilled my seed inside of a woman for no fucking reason other than to satisfy my addiction!
No, sex is not what I thought it was, and actually, that is a relief! Because that would have meant that sex is only this animalistic, primitive act to gyrate and shoot sperm...no that is "fucking", and I think fucking is for animals, so yes, I can be an animal, I have part animal in me, but I also have a divine "human" nature as well.

 

wait, sex can be divine?
sexual nature is divine nature?? whoa, in what church do they teach that? they don't, they teach that sexual expression belongs in the "marriage bed", far away from everything else, to be kept "locked up" in the bedroom...so what exactly happens in there? well, eventually nothing, really
that's right, you fucking whither away eventually, never really knowing the true meaning of sexual nature, sexual expression, sexual health
if divine sexual expression is at the core of our human drive, then what does that look like practically? I think it's different for everyone, but I have to admit that within myself, I sense both masculine and feminine energies, so the interplay of those energies which are diabolical, is the way I express sexuality; there has to be both, both aspects are part of the creative force, I think these energies can unite within us to make us whole...
masculinity and femininity, again, two sides of the same coin, like dark and light, the cosmic drama of duality; why have we lost this knowledge, this ability to be wholesome and powerful human beings?
everything plays out internally and externally, in the microcosmic and macrocosmic, inner space and outer space
we have been duped, my friends, we have bought the lie, we have thrown in the towel; how? because a t a certain point we stopped seeking, we stopped seeking truth....your truth, my truth, it doesn't matter; what matters is that my truth is relevant for me, and I can't stop seeking, because it's in my nature to seek, to explore, to learn, but never fully grasp...seriously now, did I think the holy "orgasm" was the the holy grail?????
as we all know, the anticipation leading up to any climax is the experience, and birth and death are the climaxes of our lives; in the mean time, it's all about the anticipation

 

I had a "wet" dream last night, not sure what caused this, but could have been stress from coming home to a "mouse in the house", which always stresses me...I just don't like any animals in the house at all, wild or domestic.
But I also spent the day with some of my kids and my lovely two granddaughters, so I always get a little depressed afterwards when I come home to solitude. But the dream was weird, mixed with some old porn fantasy. I also watched a couple of youtube videos about the Jungian concepts of the shadow and the anima/animus, on top of that I have a phone conversation scheduled with my 80 year old mother this morning, so there were many factors that perhaps contributed to the "wet dream". It's no big deal, I didn't consciously act out, and I assume that it will happen again, just part of the process. It does bother me that I emitted semen though.....eventually the subconscious will align with the conscious I hope and therefore no more secretions of precious semen.
The phone conversation with my mother is a big deal, because I sort of still hate her. She is the personification of my earliest encounter with the demon, the demon of the anima. I was stuck with this woman for so many years of my childhood while my family relocated from one place to another, never having close friends or relatives, always this repressive, pathetic idiot of a mother right there acting like some lunatic, my father always gone, even when he was home for brief periods. My sister left when I was 11, and then it got really depressing, so in my case the porn addiction was sort of a logical result of a fucked up family life. At 80 she is still an idiot, so it's really tough to talk to her. I have to shut down so many parts of myself when conversing with her.
I have gone back to consuming occasional beers and occasional cannabis, so far I am not having serious temptations to act out sexually, but life here in the middle of "nowhere" is sort of wearing on me, and I may have to abandon this shithole like the rest of my family did, just to stay somewhat sane, and when I say "sane", I mean being able to function in society, because I still have to....the dog is driving me fucking crazy and the world is still spinning

 

well, my post from yesterday is still being "moderated" whatever that means....
what are they doing here now, censoring????
it doesn't matter, because I wrote, and I have to write every day, and if my posts end up floating through cyberspace, get burned or who knows what, it doesn't fucking matter, because I wrote!
Anything I've ever written before I've burned anyways.....
so this forum is about eliminating compulsive sexual behavior? the reasons for this behavior are varied obviously, you have the culture/society that is constantly repressing free sexual expression, which has nothing to do with fucking, and then you have individual trauma in people's lives, oh yeah, and then of course the new cyber-world, which is what today's youth lives in....
free sexual expression is too much liberty for the government/corporate powers who are growing humans in the modern lab experiment, no they can't have free thinkers and free markets and free expression, they have to have compliant idiots, who live predictable lives in bondage to the government, banks and now the Holy and divine mobile "phone", which isn't a phone actually...
I think individual trauma is so widespread, and the new epidemic of "mental illness" is a result. I think what we call normal is traumatic childhood. I think that we have come to accept that we are powerless, weak and pathetic. We were conditioned to think this way, that is why we are addicted to food, fucking and drugs.
I say fucking, because what most people call sex is actually just fucking, a rather quick insertion of the penis into some body cavity, moving it back and forth quickly until this so-called climax or "orgasm", and then releasing precious semen, and afterwards it's like...ok, well, now I feel drained and lifeless!
No, people are sick, we are sick, I have been sick.
What is true Liberty? Believe me, you have no fucking idea!

 

maybe I'll designate today as my new AA birthday.....
maybe NOW is a good time to quit alcohol...I had four beers yesterday afternoon and I felt like shit the rest of the day
the beers actually tasted good, but the effects were not, and I devoured the six pack within 24 hours, just like the last one...so, my theory has been anything is permissible as long as I don't fap, but it's logical that alcohol was next on the list, it soon followed my porn addiction and became a trigger; I have become very sensitive to it, a lightweight so to speak, which is a good thing, because my dietary changes have made me more sensitive to anything I put in my body
OK, I am designating June 10th 2022 as my new AA birthday, I like the date, I like the timing overall
Now it will be interesting to see whether my cannabis cravings return, which perhaps I will allow for some time before I get too carried away and deprive myself of everything; it's funny that I say everything, because it sounds like porn, alcohol, and weed is everything, and the rest of life secondary to those things, maybe that's the way it's been for me, a true addict, does an addict wrestle with the fact that he is an addict? And underneath the addiction mindset is what? Compulsion, obsession, delusion and desire
it must be desire, yes, it must be a conditioning to desire
I have often compared the condition of my mind to that of a mind on death row, solitary confinement, imprisonment, the difference being that in my case it's voluntary, I choose to confine myself
I have lived in fantasy worlds and I still do, I look forward to dreaming at night, which is a new thing, perhaps it's a way of connecting to my subconscious, the merging of my subconscious with my conscious
One thing I have been contemplating is that I need to step up my writing, beyond this forum, beyond the email correspondence to certain people; also the body-mind awareness thing is critical during this "recovery" process, which will last the rest of my life
I like the dreamy state, whether during waking or sleeping, either way, I like it because it relaxes me, and it frees me

 

Thank you for this message, because I have wrestled with this problem all my life, and now she is turning eighty and wants me to come visit her, and I'm like: no fucking way..I just got 2 months of porn sobriety and NO WAY I'm jeopardizing that! Perhaps for most men their mother is some holy figure, and perhaps that's the way it's supposed to be, but my mother was instrumental in fucking up my life, and my hatred towards her launched my porn career. There is a lot of hatred towards women in porn, so I am not sure where that comes from, some cultural thing because of feminism maybe? My father was basically absent, so yes, there is a father wound, but that doesn't explain my difficulty with women, if anything, you would think that I had an easier time with women, because I was raised in a household with a sister and mother, and my sister and I were very close friends, but my damned mother put so much pressure on me that I was literally constipated for several years and got sick all the time, and the doctor visits with her were like bad dreams...the household I was raised in was so terribly dysfunctional...massive stress, family secrets and parental fighting all the time...I was put into the role of a surrogate husband and a replacement for the previous son that was abandoned and given up for adoption, why did they do this to me? Because my parents were fucked and like so many people, should not have had kids.
Right now, making it through a 24 hour day without porn or alcohol is success, everything else may crumble around me, but I don't care, take all of my possessions, my wife and kids have left, I have no career, no status, no nothing, just my recovery program, and you know, I'm healthier than ever really, because so much of the pressure is gone, I honestly don't give a flying fuck about what people think anymore, I am discovering once again, that lost child inside, and the child must merge with the man.

 

I am crazy.
And that's OK.
Last night was turbulent...waking-sleeping-waking-tossing-turning etc. the strangest dreams...
How do I feel this morning? Crazy. I also feel that If I don't change my living situation drastically soon, I will spiral down. Down into the abyss of severe depression. Granted, my daily routines have helped, but I still have no mission, no central driving force that enlivens me, propels me into action, it's just this daily existence, keeping myself alive, living in fantasy most of the time. I have to punch through this with some kind of goal that is bigger than nofap. Abstinence from compulsive sexual behavior is a healthy thing, so is abstinence from alcohol, and having a "program" is great, like 12 step, or like the program I've devised for myself. But at least for me, there needs to be something more.
What am I already doing? What are the things that I look forward to? Well, everything I'm doing is just my solo routine stuff: dietary regimen, consistent bedtimes, yoga, running/walking/cycling, resistance training, resting, reading....but do I look forward to any of this? yes, in a way, but these are just keeping my head above water.
What is my purpose on this planet?
Sometimes I think there is none, sometimes I think there is no room for me here.
I have been living a hermit lifestyle, but I am not satisfied with it. Nor do I think that is the ultimate goal for me. But where do I fit in? I have another chance, another chance to start over, and this next move on the chess board of life will be somewhat critical in determining where the path leads.
To be honest, I have spent considerable time dreaming about that special someone, and that in itself has become a compulsive thing for me. So I am not a true hermit, even though I idealize the hermit lifestyle. This "addiction" to fantasizing about the perfect mate is honestly stupid, but something deep inside is the cause, and that is the "suffering" for me, the loneliness. It may never go away, but being open to life is a big deal....being open to life, embracing life is a big deal!