Trapped and Tired

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Arkansasdaisy, Aug 11, 2016.

  1. Arkansasdaisy

    Arkansasdaisy Fapstronaut

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    Hi all. I didn't just stumble on this page and sign up today.... I have been researching and reading for about 8 months and I finally just need to vent.

    I never really believed in porn/sex addiction until about 8 months ago. Seriously. I thought it crutch or excuse for people who cannot control themselves. Now I know better. Here is a little background about me so that you have a full picture. I will try to make it short, but I have a feeling, it will be long and everyone has already heard it before.

    Met my SO and we hit it off immediately. It was so passionate and fun. After a bad marriage to someone who never wanted to have sex with me to this funny, smart, sexy guy was a dream come true. My SO is 12 years younger than me but I do not look my age and I am told frequently that I am very pretty but have a very strong sex appeal. I am not sure what that means but I have always been confident. Not just with my looks but in general. So, we get really serious and about 4 weeks into our relationship and he tells me that he has visited prostitutes and massage parlors before. Not just a couple, but hundreds. He stopped about a year before he met me. He says he never told anyone about his secret except for his parents. He never told another girlfriend, no one. He also explained how ashamed he was about all of the money he wasted, how the sex was not that great even though they were high end escorts, after leaving he would hate himself, etc.

    Ok, this probably would have been a deal breaker if I had accidentally found out but he was honest and truthful with me about it. He said he wanted to tell me because I was different and he really knew in his heart that I would understand. And I did. Oddly enough, I thought this guy was honest, he stopped, he wanted more than what he had done in the past.

    4 months into our relationship, he got transferred with his company to a small town. I put notice in with my job and we decided to move together. I am crazy about this guy. I love him. Right after I put my notice in with my job, I found out he had had visited a couple of massage parlors while we were dating. I was furious. I threw him out of my house. He came crawling back. Asked for help and forgiveness. Promised that it was just a HJ HE. He was so ashamed that he gave me all of the passwords to his bank accounts and credit cards. He wanted to be accountable. It took a lot of convincing for me to forgive but if you met him, you would understand. He is so smart, funny, attractive, everything I wanted but this one deceitful thing... I made him disclose all of the dirty details. We talked about it for weeks up until the time to move. I waited until the last minute to tell him whether or not I would move. I moved. Luckily, the town we live in now does not have prostitutes on BP and there are no AMPs. He has not lied about it and has done anything like that since. It has been over a year.

    6 months after the move, we got married. About 2 months before getting married, I noticed sex had almost stopped completely. During this time, I had combined our cell phone accounts. I noticed that the data usage was going over EVERY month making the cell phone bill about $500. I flipped. I asked, what the hell are you doing on your phone? Watching porn? I was given all the excuses. Denial, then truth, then "every guy does it", "at least I am not cheating on you", "I have been really honest with you about everything and now you think I shouldn't watch porn?", etc.

    It is not the porn. It is that you are ignoring me. He also lost his erection a few times. Hear me out. I said, OK, please cut it back. I even indulged this and watched it with him a few times but after about an hour, I get BORED. He could watch it for hours. One day it was for 4 hours. I was so BORED and annoyed and then I am accused of being a prude and not getting into it with him. He also watches the same thing search over and over so to me it is like watching a bad movie over and over with different bad actors. Sorry. It is BORING. I finally put my foot down. I told him he had a problem. That it feels like he prefers porn over me and it is hurting my feelings. He curbed it for a while.

    Now, we are married. I am so stupid. I found out he still looks up escorts. He does not follow through but still looks them up. He also likes to read the reviews for AMPs, BP, eccie, TER, all of it. I am almost at the point that I hate him but I still love everything else about him. It is like a hexagon. All of the sides are straight but this one side or facet is broken and crumbling. It is making all of the other sides weak. I do not feel like I can trust him with sex, my feelings, nothing. I have asked and pleaded for him to stop. It is killing me. He thinks I am being too dramatic.

    So, one night, I took out a toy while he was sleeping. I wrapped it in a towel and put it on the bathroom sink. I slept on the couch. When he woke up he hit the roof and told me what a liar I was because I did this behind his back.... Pot/Kettle.... huh???? He was so hurt. Then I said, "now you know how I feel everyday". It has made no difference.

    Fast forward to today.... My husband is out of town for the week. I know he looked at escorts and AMPs in the town he went to. He admitted it, I did not even have to ask. He said we could sexy face time while he was away. Never happened. I know he watched porn. I still check the data. I do not know why I do. It just hurts every time I look. I could text him, no response and just see the data going up on his cell usage. Then he lies and says he was in a meeting or something stupid. Early today I suggest sexy FaceTime. He laughed it off and he went back into a meeting. Well tonight, I suggested sexy FaceTime in a text message. No answer. I waited 30 minutes and said, are you asleep. A few minutes later he says no but he will call me in a bit.... All the while I am looking at his data usage. Up and up and up..... He calls and I asked what he was doing and he said something about looking up movie trailers so we could see a movie this weekend. BS. I suggest FaceTime again and he says he does not feel like it. I then ask if he was looking at porn for the past 1 1/2 hours and masturbated and he says sheepishly "yes". Then gets mad that my feelings are hurt. I think I am done but I am now trapped.... I sold my house, left a job I love, moved away from my family to this. I feel so disrespected. I do not think he even feels bad.....
     
  2. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    I'm so sorry. You already know this, but what is happening is NOT OK. He is addicted and has not yet realized it. It's important that you realize that nothing you did caused this and you are not responsible to fix it. Yes, you can support him, if you choose to, but he has to do the work to change and heal. At this point, he has not come to the place where he realizes he needs to change. Often, addicts need to hit rock bottom before they come to that realization.

    Also, I just sent you an invite to our private SOs group. I journal and comment in the main forums as well, but it's nice to have a place where everyone understands.
     
  3. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    Oh, I forgot to say. I highly recommend you start individual counseling for yourself. It has helped me immensely. But, to be honest, the only thing that truly helped was when my husband finally got ready to change. I pray your husband can come to that realization soon!
     
  4. Arkansasdaisy

    Arkansasdaisy Fapstronaut

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    I am so mad!!! While I was posting my message, my husband then called me in non sexy FaceTime. I told him I did not feel like FaceTiming him, to just call me the regular way. He kept acting silly to make me laugh and I just did not feel like it. He got upset with me!!! He did not feel like having FaceTime with me and after the lie, I should feel like FaceTime with him in a plutonic way? He is so stupid.
     
  5. Arkansasdaisy

    Arkansasdaisy Fapstronaut

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    I
    have been going for 3 months now. My therapist thinks I should leave him and move back to my hometown....
     
  6. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    Honestly, there have been plenty of times when I wondered why I didn't leave. My husband hid his addiction from me for 5 years of marriage. Then, after he told me, we spent 7 years where he wasn't looking at P (except a few short term relapses) but our intimacy and connection was almost nonexistent. I found out two months ago, when he finally found nofap, that he was still fantasizing and objectifying women and P still had a hold on him, even though he didn't watch it. I knew he was masturbating but didn't think it was a problem. Now I believe it's a slippery slope for an addict and we have both agreed to save our Os for only each other.

    Anyway, the point is, no one can tell you if you should leave or not. But I do believe he has to have some sort of serious wake up call. And I do believe you must protect yourself and demand a whole and healthy relationship, which you deserve. Maybe that will take you leaving. Maybe that will wake him up and you can continue the relationship. Maybe you won't want to continue the relationship even if he wakes up. All that is up to you.

    I honestly don't know if sticking around for 7 years in a dying marriage was worth it. Now things are dramatically improving and we do actually communicate and he is able to be present and connected with me. Maybe in another 7 years I can answer that question.
     
  7. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    I'm sorry. I understand. My husband's P use got in the way of a healthy sex life for us too. It's the addiction. They have nothing left to give after PMO. It's heartbreaking and sickening.
     
  8. Sojourner7777

    Sojourner7777 Fapstronaut

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    I'm so sorry you're going though this.
     

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