Trapped in my own addiction

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by ambientvibes, Jun 30, 2022.

  1. ambientvibes

    ambientvibes New Fapstronaut

    Hi friends!
    I've felt a strong urge to make this post for some time. I want this to be a personal statement, and I hope that it will be the beginning of something better to come.
    Lately I have struggled seriously with a masturbation addiction . It has progressively gotten worse throughout the last year, and is now what I consider to be a very real problem.

    I feel extremely ashamed after I come, and the fact that I continue doing it even though it makes me feel this way, makes me feel in lack of control. I feel like I'm not in control of my own body. At this point I don't know what to do. I keep telling myself the same story every time: "the next time I'll make it". But it's like someone else takes control over my body as the days pass, and then the urge becomes so so strong. And then it all ends with my bad half coming up with an excuse to jerk off, and there we go. Then I feel so ashamed, and we're back in the cycle. Then I'm left depressed for days to come as it seems to really mess with my mood.
    It's not the necessarily the physical act of masturbation that repulses me. It's the fact that I've literally become a slave of my own hormones. I feel like if I can't even control myself at this level, I'll never be able to get anywhere in life. I'll just be stuck in this never ending cycle of addiction/depression.

    It got to an all time low this week: I scrolled past an add for a sex toy on the internet and it caught my attention. At this point I was so horny that my mind wasn't functioning properly. The price tag was 200$, and that's WAY over my student budget. Considering the fact that I wanted to end masturbation, it's just plain stupid to buy such a toy in the first place. But I wasn't in control at this point, it was my hormones. Then I proceeded to buy memberships to MULTIPLE different porn sites. My mind though this would be a nice addition to my new toy. (Don't even wanna talk about the price..)

    And I'm not kidding you: For the next days I couldn't think straight or do anything properly. The only thing that went through my mind was the thought of my new masturbation toy arriving. I would check my phone every hour for 3 days until it finally arrived. But then I realised that I needed to register the toy on my family's wifi and the name of the sex-toy would be visible if someone ever went through the "wifi-list". But guess what? Me pre-masturbation didn't care. But me post-masturbation did..

    I feel like a drug addict that can't think or feel rationally until I've had my "drug". It sounds so silly, but it's so real.

    The reason that I finally chose to make this post is that wanna change from today, and I hope that those of you that also struggle with this VERY REAL problem can relate to this. I consider myself to be a very sensible guy in most aspects of life, but this is really getting the worst of me. I'm so sick of it.

    NoFap is starting today.
    I know so many of you are struggling with the same, and really hope you'll find the strength to change.
    Best of luck! ♡
    Last edited: Jun 30, 2022
  2. drunkenmaster

    drunkenmaster Fapstronaut

    count me in I am going through similar hurldles wish you all the best.
    ambientvibes likes this.
  3. TiredOfFailing

    TiredOfFailing Fapstronaut

    Feel ur pain buddy, it's humbling when the addiction takes over like that. Now that ur clear-headed throw out the toy and change the passwords on those sites so u can't log back in

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