trepidacious

I'm so frustrated and depressed - I haven't relapsed - but I want to ...

 

on the verge of relapse

 

I'm on the september pledge thing . . . . This is my first real test - I really want to look at some porn right now

 

one more day I escape without PMOing - but at what point should I be concerned with the fact that I'm avoiding it by wasting time doing other things, rather than something more worthy of time spent - aka what I'm "supposed to be doing" ?

 

Not only is, perhaps, wearing boxers, a trigger for me. Cataloging my thoughts in an honest way is a trigger for me as well. Freedom is a trigger. Living is a trigger. I am the trigger for my own addiction, who wishes he could be a trigger for others as well.

On days like this, the only motivation is that: damnit, I should be able to go a whole month. . .

maybe their are some underlying issues, I am starting to come around to that thinking - just a little - The thing is... I can't think of anything but life itself, the times we live in, the circumstances I've put myself in, whatever it is in my genes that makes it almost impossible for me to appreciate how lucky I am. The lack of courage to face my own life, as I've chosen it (in a way, that is, in reaction to the circumstances caused by choices I wish I had made differently) with a devil may care attitude. Procrastination. Are there underlying issues to those? Are those the issues? Isn't all that just modern life?

I think I just hate that. Modern Life. Don't get me wrong though. I'm not some idiot 50's guy that wants to go back to something that was bad for most people. I'm not equipped - read:skilled enough, or at all - to live off the land, but I would be happier I think, in a cabin, or a hut, or a factory for work, to a shack.

Can I escape my whole life that way? Is there anyplace I can earn a living wage without skill, or a place that recognizes my talents appropriately yet creatively? Somehow astride isolation when I'm not working? Could this place possibly exist without me interacting with technology? Could I avoid technology and still have community?

Should I/Could I go to some amish town, somehow be able to skip, or silently rebel against the oppressive sexist parts of their religion and go replace some lost Rumspringed child? I'll marry your daughter who's too old to marry in your world, but deliciously young to me. I'll make her happy in ways you've never imagined and she's never dreamed of and teach her how to fuck. She couldn't resist the initial temptation because of your sexist culture, and for that she would be glad later. I promise, not to brag, just to serve her, as I do my fiancé now. Do you also approve bigamy? That would be perfect. My current fiancé doesn't at all. Teach me a skill, I'm not too old to learn, I've always worked hard at everything I do. Give me your eldest daughters and a job to do, and we all end up so much better than where we started!

Is that what I need to stop fapping? God I hate the at fucking word. This site is what has gotten me to finally use it. ugh

 

I've developed a process, a method. Whenever I'm tempted I waste my time doing OTHER time wasting things on the internet, until I distract myself enough to get very bored and in a trance, at which point I get up and go to the bathroom or something - I try to think of what I was thinking to myself before and I end up telling myself "I'm not even interested anymore" - so it "works" and maybe this is a decent weening technique, but what troubles me is not only that I'm still just wasting time, but that I get really tired and just want to sleep at the end of that whole thing - more time not doing useful things . . . .

 

the great thing about wanting to kill yourself, is you are still compelled to get some things "together" in order to control part of the aftermath - and in the process of getting yourself together, you may very well stop wanting to kill yourself. All you needed, to feel alive again was to plan for your death....