*trigger* Escalation to jailbait..

H

hopingtochange

New Fapstronaut
I feel like I'm sentencing myself to hell right now, I hope you guys understand.
I'm tired of acting like everything is okay, and I'm so destroyed from my actions and desires I've been having suicidal thoughts lately. Here's my story.

I've been a slave to P since 12 maybe? Not too sure. Keep in mind I'm 15, almost 16. Maybe around a year ago I've stumbled upon cp, and honestly I was fairly disgusted, and I'm pretty sure I clicked away. However, that image kept on coming back to me. The flashback grew so irritable and inexorable that I gave in. I went back to check it out, and alas, things did not improve. (I was probably around 13-14 when this happened.)

I haven't looked jail baits until recently, (the jail baits are from cams like Skype or Omegle, so there's nudity but it's not professionally produced). I don't know why. I'm going through a very rough time mentally. (Issues with family and emotional abuse.) The worst part is it's so accessible. With literally, and I will not disclose the keywords, 2-3 words it's possible to find the content. This is not a daily thing, by the way, but more of after x amounts of adult content, I tend to sneak in x amount of jail baits. I want to believe I am not a pedo, and this is simply an escalation to my addiction. I think this is true because I was able to do NoFap for a whole week! (I know, not too long but..) and when I looked up the jail baits, I felt a freezing sensation around me. Chills. My teeth started doing the thing, you know? I'm not attracted to children, but why am I still doing these same mistakes?! Below is the aftermath.

I feel horrible. I can't express how terrible I feel. I've lost my ability to think. I can't describe it, it feels like my (rational) mind is completely blank. I've lost emotional sensitivity. I really feel numb. I'm fairly religious, but I don't feel like my prayers are working. I've confessed to God and have been forgiven, but why can't I forgive myself? I want to change so much, I wish I wasn't like this. Some of my suicidal thoughts arise because of me wanting to stop, (thoughts like: "if you were dead you wouldn't cause anymore damage".) I'm in the process of applying for a Green card, and I can't help but to think I'll be rejected because of this. Will I? Never downloaded anything, but that still doesn't make it legal..
 
1. You're not all bad because you're actually very guilty and considering suicide. A true paedophile wouldn't really feel guilty about it and even try to have sex with underage girls in person.

2. How young are we talking? You're literally a kid yourself at 15-16. Are these girls around your age or younger?

3. Just stop seeking CP and never turn it into a reality and you have nothing to worry about. No one has a clean, innocent past, we all have disturbing characteristics and events - so just let go of the past and start fresh. You really don't have to avoid masturbation, but I think you seriously need to avoid porn or at least CP - hell, if you find not using porn way too hard, maybe even try to get a new fetish that's more legal. I have a bizarre fetish too (it's legal dw), and fixed it by gradually watching less and less hardcore content to the point where I can now easily get off to the most vanilla shit. I still do have the fetish, but it's not a problem anymore because I control it now; it no longer controls me and the fetish content more often than not disgusts me now.
 
You describe typically escalating behavior. Part of the allure is that it is wrong. It's a thrill, though it is colored in guilt, and we are all familiar with the draw of the extreme and the new. However, you are well aware this is wrong and that means you can turn it around.
hopingtochange said:
I'm fairly religious, but I don't feel like my prayers are working.
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Speaking from experience, prayer is not a supernatural incantation you can use to invoke power over your sin. I myself confessed over and over again, and it never provided lasting peace from temptation, especially where P was concerned. Prayer can be a good distraction in the moment, but you must use it the correct way. You must pray every time the temptation arises, instead of focusing on the sin. You must also focus your prayer on something positive, something that is not the sin. Instead of "deliver me from this evil," it can be gratitude, it can be meditation on virtues, but thinking about the P directly just makes you want it more.

It's a difficult road, but you can overcome this evil. One week without help from others who have gone through the exact same stuff is admirable. If you stick around, read up on the basics, and take the help we can offer, you'll make it.
 
Meshuga said:
Part of the allure is that it is wrong. It's a thrill, though it is colored in guilt, and we are all familiar with the draw of the extreme and the new
Click to expand...
I never thought about this before but it makes sense. Explains things that I used to do and still do to a lesser extent. Need to turn these things around. It takes effort over a long period of time.
 
You know how I know your good bro, because instead of going to some dark web forum where some bad people are gonna encourage you to go further down that path and tell you it’s okay, you came here. That means you know it was wrong and you know that’s not the person you want to be.


Good luck in your recovery and stay clean.
 
hopingtochange said:
I feel like I'm sentencing myself to hell right now, I hope you guys understand.
I'm tired of acting like everything is okay, and I'm so destroyed from my actions and desires I've been having suicidal thoughts lately. Here's my story.

I've been a slave to P since 12 maybe? Not too sure. Keep in mind I'm 15, almost 16. Maybe around a year ago I've stumbled upon cp, and honestly I was fairly disgusted, and I'm pretty sure I clicked away. However, that image kept on coming back to me. The flashback grew so irritable and inexorable that I gave in. I went back to check it out, and alas, things did not improve. (I was probably around 13-14 when this happened.)

I haven't looked jail baits until recently, (the jail baits are from cams like Skype or Omegle, so there's nudity but it's not professionally produced). I don't know why. I'm going through a very rough time mentally. (Issues with family and emotional abuse.) The worst part is it's so accessible. With literally, and I will not disclose the keywords, 2-3 words it's possible to find the content. This is not a daily thing, by the way, but more of after x amounts of adult content, I tend to sneak in x amount of jail baits. I want to believe I am not a pedo, and this is simply an escalation to my addiction. I think this is true because I was able to do NoFap for a whole week! (I know, not too long but..) and when I looked up the jail baits, I felt a freezing sensation around me. Chills. My teeth started doing the thing, you know? I'm not attracted to children, but why am I still doing these same mistakes?! Below is the aftermath.

I feel horrible. I can't express how terrible I feel. I've lost my ability to think. I can't describe it, it feels like my (rational) mind is completely blank. I've lost emotional sensitivity. I really feel numb. I'm fairly religious, but I don't feel like my prayers are working. I've confessed to God and have been forgiven, but why can't I forgive myself? I want to change so much, I wish I wasn't like this. Some of my suicidal thoughts arise because of me wanting to stop, (thoughts like: "if you were dead you wouldn't cause anymore damage".) I'm in the process of applying for a Green card, and I can't help but to think I'll be rejected because of this. Will I? Never downloaded anything, but that still doesn't make it legal..
Click to expand...


Kid, you fill me hope, not disgust. I don't even know you, and I'm already proud of you. Shit, I'd raise you as my own if my financially could. Nevermind about me, let me focuse on advice for you.

You are at a very sensitive age, and I'm not just talking about teenage hormones and mood swings and experiences. Traumas and addictions make their money in your age range. Your use of p and any form of p, right now, is being linked to a situation of emotional distress (emotional abuse/family issues). It's trying to root itself in your negative emotions. How do I know? Because I was infatuated with my teacher at age 17 and I hated it with a passion. This dissatisfaction of having romantic inclinations for her lived in my head space rent free, and I threw it all at PMO. The roots that were sown back then were so powerful. Every time something bad happens, my mind starts to wander to the same old, bad habits. Invest that negative energy somewhere else entirely : tv, videogames, sports, especially sports, let all that aggression go to a physical space, dance, something engaging.

Secondly, that fetish popped into your life at a sensitive time. I think you were just curious about the female body, and it led you to some weird places. I once took an interest in a fetish (and I never acted upon it). As soon I was 2 weeks into a reboot, I thought it was the dumbest thing I ever took an interest in. At the same time, expect the recovery to be somewhat slow in that department. It will take you a bit to expel that stuff from your system. But to know for sure, you need to be in a good, long running reboot, to get rid of it. However, it would be disingenous of me to lie to you. Some people take these steps and still experience attraction to that part of P. Some people get rid of the fetish completely. You got to run the distance to find out which are you. If you happen to still like that world, I'll like you the same. I read a reddit ama of a guy who likes cp and has vowed to not hurt one child, and his journey illuminated my perspective. Being that type of person is not a crime, but not typical. Acting upon that fetish is a crime. I'm still rooting for you, either way.
 
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