(TRIGGER WARNING) I DRINK MY CUM, WATCH BESTIALITY, SUCK MY DICK ETC

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by itsallme, Mar 18, 2021.

  1. itsallme

    itsallme Fapstronaut

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    feel better about yourself now??? cause if you think you are a wreck, i'd wish i was you cause i dont know what i am...
    there's more to the list, I have morphed some of my female friends photos and wanked off to it (and deleted it on spot), Watched bestiality and wanked to it, and the only thing i ve been grossed out with was shitporn with real shit.. oh and necrophilia. And by some luck i think i m not a pedophile...and yes i do feel guilt after doing all of this, right after the act i feel it, right after the orgasm ends i feel it... But that doesn't mean i ll end up doing it after a few days of rest.
    I ve escalated to such graphic porn and such worse acts that I cant even tell anyone who i really am..so if u know me irl and are reading this, I m sorry i m not the person you think i am, but i guarantee i m much more grossed out about it than you are...

    to name some of my problematic behaviours:-
    - eat / lick/ drink own cum. you may think why?? trust me i dont know either. i dont like it at all but i first did it out of curiosity during my early teens and now i do it out of laziness to wash my hands.
    - suck my own dick.
    just as before i started it during teens out of curiosity and doesn't like it at all. gives a big backpain too and u end up coming over your face. ( once i sprained my back and was struggling to breathe, i thought that was the last of it but i try to do it once again after it without success luckily)
    - anal play
    Same beginnings as before. at worst case have tore stuff trying to put stuff in.. grossest thing to do with zero satisfaction more than half the time.
    - homemade fleshlights
    - crossdressing ( once or twice)
    - watching bestiality, extreme kinky porn, crazy bdsms and torture.


    most of these stuff is in my past and i ve become better than that, i ve only listed it out cause i want it to be somewhere before i die. I tried telling my ex, she was fine with analplay ( but i said it like it was a past thing while it wasn't), was grossed at the sucking and eating thing ( maybe cause i said that i did it the previous day) ,still kept her cool and stuck by my side till i said i wanked off again to porn while not a week hadn't passed with the last incident. and I lost her after 4 years of relationship. tho there were other factors to it I feel guilt of my part, especially when i cant get over it still!!( i thought i did after a very long streak after the breakup but nope).
    so...what y'all think?? I think no one has done the shit i ve done, and whats worse i still haven't learned after losing so much!
     
  2. WhiteLion

    WhiteLion Fapstronaut

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    How quickly do you think you are escalating? It seems like you are worried about where this might go. If you told your friends about this, how do you think they would react?

    I kept something from my friends that I had convinced myself would make them hate me for years. I kept it in for so long. They were shocked when I told them, but they all stuck by me.
     
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  3. blacklabel92

    blacklabel92 Fapstronaut

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    the benefit of consuming your own gravy is the nutrients, potassium, zinc, its basically a full meal!
     
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  4. Agreed. Since the first time I ate it as a teenager, I have almost never not eaten my own cum when it was available to do so. I don't feel bad about it, unless I get off to the idea that I'm a loser for doing it. It seems like a waste to just throw that stuff away.
    @itsallme there's a whole genre about eating ones own porn . . . and everything else that you described. Have you ever looked at sex toys and seen how many are designed for men who want to explore ass play?
    You are not alone. And you are not the worst. But, if these things bother you, or if you are worried that they will escalate to even more extreme things that feed on your addiction to combining arousal with shame then there is a way out.
    NoFap is a fantastic resource. Stop looking at porn and masturbating. If you want to, but can't stop, then try. And try. And try. You will get better if you keep trying. If you think you need more help, it's out there _ therapists, 12 step groups and sex addiction treatment centres.
     
  5. blacklabel92

    blacklabel92 Fapstronaut

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    so the real question is. do u really loose ur cum if your shooting it out and ingesting it outright. id say yes because once it hits ur stomach the acids in there will kill all ur lil soldiers.
     
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  6. The Archangel

    The Archangel Fapstronaut

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    how do you suck your own dick? you must be fucking massive
     
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  7. [​IMG]
     
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  8. SickSicko

    SickSicko Fapstronaut

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  9. Nathan Harris

    Nathan Harris Fapstronaut

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    When I read your post I was like Man! who wrote my biography?
    Everything you listed here, I have done it. I have done photoshop of my friends and celebs, watched bestiality and yeah shitporn is really gross when I accidentally saw that, I didn't watched porn for the next 5 or 10 minutes, I've drank my own cum(because there was no one else to do it), Sucked my own dick(yeah, I was also pretty flexible and skinny), cummed over my face, analed myself(I stopped it when I bleed one day), cross-dressed(my sister clothes), there was a time when only incest made me turn on, watched bizarre animated porn, I have fapped wherever possible, on a moving train, terrace, toilet, at relatives house(luckily no one has ever caught me), there are a lot of things which I can't even mention here, if I do I would be in a big trouble(I think you can guess it because you and me are so similar) the only difference is I didn't have any girl in my life, I am 101% virgin, even my whole body is virgin, No one has even touched me(except my relatives). But you are the first person I've found who is so similar to me, If you ever want to talk to me please feel free to message me, we do share a lot of common things.
     
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  10. growpotatoes

    growpotatoes Fapstronaut

    Can you define boundaries to the things that you won't be ashamed of? It might be fapping in the standard way once every two days, no porn, just fantasize about real sex with a girl you like.

    I can tell you, we all here struggle with self-loathing. It doesn't help, quite the opposite. If you can see a therapist please do it. Open up to someone whose job is to help, and take that burden off your shoulders a bit.
    I too have screwed up my relationship partly because I was too ashamed of myself. It's a dark road...
     
    +TenPercent likes this.
  11. I did a lot of that shit when I was a kid. I think a lot of people do the same. Not too alarming.
    I don't think I ever crossdressed but that's not a bad thing at all, and if you did it once or twice but didn't fancy it, there's no shame in having tried it out. I have seen hardcore porn, but never jerked off to it. Either way, nothing wrong with it generally. You're fine man, don't beat yourself up. If people don't like you for your sexuality, fuck them.
     
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  12. itsallme

    itsallme Fapstronaut

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    I dont think i will bro.. you are lucky for your friends, The only thing I ve told my friends was about having good streak while they were all talking of porn, oh yes and i ve talked to a friend once about watching a lot of porn and lying to my ex, that was killing me from the inside too and telling helped..
    I m scared of losing people bro, i lost my ex, i dont want to tell more people cause they really cant help me, I gotta save myself from this and then maybe i ll tell them.
     
  13. itsallme

    itsallme Fapstronaut

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    idk man, i ve escalated for a long time till the point of using homemade fleshlight and sucking my own d. after that i ve tried to keep it down and have been successful once.. the more time I dont spend doing these things the more grossed out I get towards the things on the extreme side. on my relapse on my best 60 day streak i found that i was not at all interested in even hidden cam porn ( which is was the first step of escalation for me afaik) . But then after that relapse i found myself going back to old things one at a time. so over the last 4-5 months i ve again did everything i used to do atleast once(except making the fleshlight thing pheww).
    and no, i dont wanna tell my friends, either i dont have good enough friends or I am ashamed of doing so, idk which ( i hang out with many but its all jokes and games and no serious talk, you know how men are). Plus i lost my ex when i told her about the sucking thing. She tried to help but seeing me do it again is much worse. So that taught me a lesson that i cant tell people and lose them again cause they'll feel distant to me if they try to help and i ended up doing it again. I wanna help myself first and THEN tell my friends.
     
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  14. itsallme

    itsallme Fapstronaut

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    Thanks man, you dont know how much that means to me. I ve never thought like that. atleast that's a relief.
    and yes, nofap is indeed a fantastic resource. Its helped me a lot, my first 60+ day streak and I ve moved on from most of my fetishes. after the relapse on my 68th day( i think ) Its just sad that I ve fell down that hole again through the last few months and escalated again. I believe i can do it again cause I have once but I dont know where to start, i m struggling with getting over 3 days now and not binging after every relapse.

    No man, as much as I'd like to see a therapist they are way too expensive. I m just in my sophomore year and have only got limited money. I try to talk to people on talklife app but tho its relieving, I learned that no one can help me unless I help myself
     
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  15. itsallme

    itsallme Fapstronaut

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    lol no i m just 6 and half. I think it's more about the flexibility. still I sprained my back once, didn't i mention that?
     
  16. itsallme

    itsallme Fapstronaut

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    bro that's literally me!! the bleeding, the crossdressing,terrace,at relatives,etc etc. I used to like reading animated porn but never really watched videos, glad i didn't stumble on that shit too, the list is long as is.
    I d love to chat, but i dont often login here cause I have to use my pc for this, is there an app for this website?? I'd give my ig or snap but I ve uninstalled those too cause i got sem exams and I m wasting time. maybe after my exams?

    and bro dont ever worry of being a virgin, be glad you are. see how I lost a girl cause of my habits? its better if you find someone after you get yourself out of this shithole. you can save yourself a heartbreak and trust me that's not fun at all! atleast thats how I feel, idk if you want to change tho, if not find yourself a girl thats into all this stuff and there are plenty i m sure but its just difficult to know. else lets focus on getting ourselves out of this??
     
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  17. itsallme

    itsallme Fapstronaut

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    thanks man it means a lot. Guess shame is the real culprit here. tho I don't want to be like this at all ,there's no point being ashamed of it right?
    I had a bad session of escalation on the day I posted it. That's the worst thing, everything comes at you when you've escalated tho you promised yourself you won't again. its like you've fallen down hard again after having a bit of success trying so hard at staying up.
     
  18. itsallme

    itsallme Fapstronaut

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    so its been 2 days since I ve posted and here's an update. I was on day 3 when I started this thread. ( it sounds like I had just relapsed because I did type it out after a relapse and saved it as draft, I only got around to posting i5 t on day3) and that's pretty much great on itself cause i have struggled to get past day 3 for quite some time now, and I ve managed to do hit 5 days before a relapsing earlier today. so 'yay'.
    I ve relapsed on day 6 early morning. I relapsed the same way I ve been relapsing for quite some time now. I spend too much time on yt ( watching educational stuff actually but too much of anything is bad) , snapstories, IG scrolling or if nothing I could just watch TV and spend my time looking at my gallery. Its not like I dont have any goals, I DO, but I lack discipline and focus. Maybe the focus bit is cause of brainfogging due to PMO ( but PMO is the cause of lack of focus but lack of focus is the cause of PMO, but PMO is the..). I got to day 5 because I had a challenge with a guy from nofap group on whatsap that we'll send our browsing histories everyday and we'll keep yt history to zero for at least a week. and it was going well till I started cheating on yt, his yt histories are clean and I felt ashamed of letting him down on the 3rd day cause I binged on yt. so i kept quiet about it and that just build up over time and yesterday I watched a lot of yt and wasted my time on petty stuff like customising my desktop. And mind you I ve got exams in three days which I know nothing about ( i ve had 2 weeks to study and i wasted most of it so its rush hour) and the stress of not studying anything got me and late night I wanked off to porn. I m feeling urges right now too cause I m so used to binging after a relapse. I m glad I only did it twice yesterday, one with pmo and one without. And if I could get through today without doing it again I m still a winner. ( you may think I have low set bars but trust me its difficult for me, i do it almost 5 times everytime after a relapse). I wouldn't lose the progress I ve made in 5 days if I dont watch porn again, If I dont wank again.

    so current mission, get through day 1 without wanking off again. ( and for gods sake I ve got to study!!)
     
  19. itsallme

    itsallme Fapstronaut

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    and I ve relapsed again.. so there goes that. I stumbled upon a nipple piercing video on yt and that's that. Urghh 3 times a day..
    i dont even know where to start now!
     
  20. Nathan Harris

    Nathan Harris Fapstronaut

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    I Joined NoFap yesterday and I also don't login here much because of the same reason, I am also avoiding insta, let's see after your exams are over.
    I do want to change and that's why I'm here.
    Finding a girl, with the best will in the world, I can't have a girlfriend but now I'm not even desperate about it and I don't even deserve a girl. There are several reasons for it but that's okay.
    Yes, I don't want anything, I just want to get out of this shit and that's my only focus now.
     
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2021

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