TRIGGER WARNING: Is porn addiction a risk factor in abborent sexual behavior?

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by A new day, Oct 19, 2018.

  1. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    Am I right to be afraid that my husband’s porn addiction puts my daughters at risk? My older daughter is 12 and is his step-daughter. My younger is ours and is 3.

    Ever since I found out about his addiction 10 months ago I’ve had a low grade fear that his addiction could escalate. His porn interests don’t go in that direction. Rather the opposite. But I understand that some men have to escalate into abhorrent porn to get off. I worry about it escalating into illegal stuff and than illegal behavior like drug addiction can.

    Today his phone connected to my car via Bluetooth as I was leaving and the title of the porn gave me cause to worry. I confronted him and he said he clicked on it without looking at the title.

    I don’t no whether to believe that. I told him to give up porn or I’d divorce him and threatened him with massive bodily damage if I ever suspected my girls to be in danger. I don’t really think he’d ever hurt them. But I don’t want to delude myself.

    I’ve been tolerating the addiction all this time, hoping it would work out after I addressed it with him the first tine. But I won’t anymore.

    After I got done screaming at him we talked and he said there’s no way he is attracted to young girls. . TRIGGER He likes MILFs and large behinds. He said he clicked the video without looking at the title as it was part of the group of videos that came up when he searched. I’m familiar with how this works so his explanation is plausible.

    Also when I suggested he give me access to his devices he hesitated and hasn’t yet answered or agreed. So it makes me fear what he’s hiding. I saw him do something with his iPad like reset it or something. He has been planning to give it to our daughters and had been backing it up before that.

    I hate feeling like to porn police. But I won’t willfully blind myself anymore and risk all that I hold dear. Not even if it means ending my marriage and ending my kids contact with their dad.
     
    Arghy likes this.
  2. You should go see a psychologist together (with your husband) that could help you a lot to speack of this problem with a specialist before it going worst between you.
    I think it is the only thing you can do because you can't force him to tell you what he's hiding.
    Plus you should tell him about your worry and ask him to stop watching porn. This is not that hard i promess, the hardest thing is to stop masturbate but stop porn is easy so just tell him that this habit is making you feel unsafe.
    I hope he will understand and stop do that.
    Do you talk him about nofap ? Is he ok for stop watching porn ?
     
    Arghy likes this.
  3. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    Thanks. He said he’d stop PMO. I’m going to insist he look at this site. Sent him a video on PIED.

    I want to go see a phych together ASAP. I didn’t suggest that yet. But I will.

    I’m just terrified of the potential. I wish someone could tell me if I’m paranoid about the kids or not.
     
  4. Ra's Al Ghul

    Ra's Al Ghul Fapstronaut

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    It definitely is; you've heard of Jeffrey Dahmer I'm sure.
     
  5. Arghy

    Arghy Fapstronaut

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    Unless if the porn has some kind of scenarii "daughter and mother" "father and his girl" or any bullshit like this, there 's nothing to worry about.

    I may be wrong , but you are more afraid about what he could hide than what he showed to you.

    I advice, like a man is a stair said, a specialist.
     
  6. One advice I have is be very careful with any advice you get from any men here. Even mine. We are all at different stages of getting away from porn and frankly you won’t know who to trust.

    Second is to interact with the women in the “Partner Support” and “Significant Others Forum”. You can find those sub forums under the “Rebooting In A Relationship” section. There are women who are going through hell because of their porn addicted husbands and they can give you first hand advice from your perspective.

    Porn addicted people lie A LOT. I’m saying that from my experience as a recovering porn addict. Porn addiction can lead to many dark areas. Maybe for some it won’t, but there’s no telling who will be affected the worse and who will do what in the future.

    Once again I suggest that you try to interact as much as you can with the women here and take what ever you hear from men with a grain of salt. Doesn’t matter what a person is looking at today. Anyone is at risk of escalating to worse material and at risk of acting out what they watch.

    I know there will people who disagree with me but remember when it comes to porn addiction, lying is/was a big part of our lives.
     
    salvacion_a_888 likes this.
  7. HereAndThere

    HereAndThere Fapstronaut

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    primaljade likes this.
  8. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. I’ll take your advice. I posted about this problem in my SO journal. But I think only one saw it and didn’t have any feedback.
     
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  9. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    Not helpful. Obviously men are often attracted to younger women. I’m trying to discern something completely different. When I said the title was disturbing i assumed you’d understand what I’m getting at.

    The title of the video was “Ugly step-daughter.....”. I couldn’t see the rest.

    When I googled the words Ugly Stepdaughter, nothing but disgusting porn videos resulted. So don’t tell me some guys arent hard for doing horrible things and that I’m over reacting. It’s because parents often under react and blind themselves that so many kids get brutalized. My niece was abused by her stepdad. He’s serving time for abusing his old girlfriend’s daughter. My own daughter spent time in their home before we knew about it and had to be interviewed by a forensic psychologist to see if there was any chance she was a victim.

    So I’m not over reacting. Thank you for your incredible insensitivity.
     
  10. HereAndThere

    HereAndThere Fapstronaut

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    You are a bit overreacting. Or you don’t really think he’d ever hurt them. Or both. Either way, you have an option of talking to authorities. Its your call.
     
    Arghy and FX-05 like this.
  11. Arghy

    Arghy Fapstronaut

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    Lol i was right ;)

    Get a specialist asap
     
  12. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much. Your thoughtfulness and help are so appreciated.

    I’ve learned over the years in past relationships where betrayal and lies were compounded with more betrayal and lies, not to ignore the sense within myself that something could be wrong. I’d rather “over-react” than “under-react”. At this point, I don’t know if I have the will to continue to fight for this marriage. It’s too much damn work. I’ve never seen it pan out before with people who go down these kind of roads. I’m not prepared to be the only functional person in this relationship as I did in the past. I just ended up getting more of my life destroyed than I would have if I had cut my losses. I’ve spent the last 11 months preparing myself to bear whatever I have to in order to live a life where I am truthful to myself. If that means I give up on him rather than give up on me, I’m prepared to do it. There’s no rule that says I have to drown while attempting to save someone else. And I’ll certainly never trade my daughters for someone who is self-destructing. I don’t even know if I love him anymore.

    I just don’t think I can function while waiting for him to fail and lie to himself and me. Why not just leave and give up on men altogether? At least I be at peace with myself. At least I’d know my girls were safe.

    I just can’t make it ok. It all on him to do what he has to do and I have very little hope that he will.
     
    HereAndThere likes this.
  13. HereAndThere

    HereAndThere Fapstronaut

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    Its not abut your daughters being in risk, its about you being disgusted by your SO as a person. Thats what i understand. From my perspective with fighting with addiction if i failed so much i would understand if my partner left. On the other hand people can change and there is much more to him than PA. You could try to reconnect with your partner. This is a trust issue not a logic issue.
     
  14. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    I just messaged @BetrayedMermaid to ask if she’d be willing to communicate.

    The only thing he did after the first time I addressed porn is to promise to stop. I don’t believe he ever stopped for long and he made it difficult for me to bring it up by getting angry if I tried to and accuse me of trying to shame him. He refused to look into any help, saying he didn’t need to. Of course, I knew then that he was wrong, but figured he’d have to find that out himself. So I’ve left him alone about it and worked on getting my own head on straight. By being so easy to manipulate, I knew I had no leverage.

    I’m glad I worked on myself. I grew more comfortable for the “dangerous” part of me that is willing to do what it takes. I am less afraid of the consequences of my honesty and I am will to suffer for authenticity. Because I was trying to keep peace before, he was able to shut me up. Now I don’t care about some short term, so called peace. I don’t really care about keeping the marriage together if it means being a bad parent.

    Our bedroom is pretty desolate compared to how it was before this addiction escalated. PIED is a problem. He doesn’t think it’s porn related (I know you are shocked, right?). He agrees that DE is a problem related to Fapping. I mostly feel objectified in bed, so I’ve been avoiding it until recently. Today he claimed he thought I knew he was still PMO and that I didn’t care. Watching someone lie to themselves is no fun.
     
  15. HereAndThere

    HereAndThere Fapstronaut

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    Could you be more specific? Do you refer to my advice for her to decide herself if she wants authorities to get involved or my advice that there is an option to work with her SO on trust issues? Youre just salty cause you dont like my attitude. If you or your moderators crack down on members the second they step out of line, you will be sending a negative signal to your community that free speech is not tolerated on your site. You will make people nervous and discourage them from getting involved – hardly the ingredients for a successful community!
     
    Arghy likes this.
  16. countitjoy5

    countitjoy5 Fapstronaut

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    Draw the line with him - tell him to make a decision; if he wants to leave it behind tell him you will help him, otherwise separate. It's infidelity and it will lead to other horrible marital issues.
     
    A new day likes this.
  17. Just the fact that you’re having these kind of doubts about your husband’s character is extremely troubling. This implies that you have no idea who he really is, or what he’s about. If you can’t trust him on these fundamental issues, then you need to ask yourself some profound questions about the future viability of your relationship.
     
    A new day likes this.
  18. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    I’m willing to admit that some of my issues with trust didn’t start with him. I had a partner cheat. I had a partner with a hidden substance abuse problem. The fact that I was molested as a child and my daughter had a near miss with her predator uncle. I’m probably more sensitized than average to the potential severity of sexual predation. I really don’t entirely trust any man. Sometimes She can’t spend the night even at her grandparents house without me having to suppress a little bit of fear. I don’t dwell on it because it’s probably paranoia.

    But seeing those words on my cars screen...you can only imagine that every dark fear surfaced.

    I didn’t realize porn use could cause so many problems. It wasn’t until I realized he was addicted to porn that I began to distrust his character fundamentally. Then after looking into how that type of porn users watch can escalate into things they themselves find disgusting I began to worry if it then can escalate outside of just watching into doing.

    It’s just that I’ve seen how an alternate personality seems to develop and that addicted personality will do whatever it takes to release its cravings. It seems to completely subdue morality and be beyond conscious control. As a former smoker I can attest to the ridiculous lengths I went to secure a smoke.

    So I fear this type of personality developing in him to the degree that he acts out. He already dismissed the seriousness of its hold on him in the past. He’s gaslighted my attempts to talk about it.

    Hopefully, I can sort through whether I’m reacting to my pasr or to the present.
     
    Arghy likes this.
  19. Meditation Monk

    Meditation Monk Fapstronaut

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    I feel your pain hun, and I hope you will resolve your issue with your husband, in the end you have to find the right solution for yourself and your family.
     
    Arghy likes this.
  20. Ra's Al Ghul

    Ra's Al Ghul Fapstronaut

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    Obviously no porn user turns to a Dahmer overnight. Though you're the last person I thought wouldve said the connection between porn and violence hence why i referenced Dahmer, is nonsense.
     

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