Triggers and Fear

I can empathize with you on this. I know what it's like to be afraid to go out and do your own thing because you're so afraid of what he's up to when you're gone.

I read a really good book recently that has nothing to do with porn addiction, but it was a good resource to help understand how the male brain works. It's called "To Date a Man, You Must Understand a Man" it talks about how in order to keep a man and get him to do the things you need, you must assert yourself as a high value woman who isn't going to put up with his crap. Which means socializing with friends and going out and doing your own thing. He has to realize that you will leave if he doesn't smarten up.

I'm still working on alot of it and struggle with going out and doing my own thing, but I fight the urge to stay home, and I go. It seems to help. Plus it's helped me.rebuild my self.esteem to spend some time with people who don't stress me out on a daily basis.

Good luck with everything. I hope it works out for you.

 

Hi Evs,

Sorry to hear what you're going through.
My partner is around the 80 day mark too- doing so well , but theres days I just can't support him and his great success.
This is generally brought on by triggers too.

I completely understand the fear of ogling, and how absolutely SHIT
it makes us feel when our partners give other women ' that' look. I get anxiety about going out in public too, As I know if he does it- I'm gonna feel crap.
We have talked about it over and over - with no solution in sight other than him making a conscious effort not to.

Before I knew about my partners PA, I used to drive myself crazy in my head questioning if he really was looking at our friends or other women in the street like that - and only on one occasion did I actually have the balls to call him out on it. Ofcourse he denied that he was- perhaps unaware.

He confessed in his last disclosure ( drip fed information also!) that he had masturbated over a handful of our friends facebook photos- which really confirmed for me the true extent of his problem and the way he views women.
This ruined every last part of self esteem I had left. Not to mention respect for him. I'm in a bad way at the moment as we have events coming up where we need to face these women.

I hear ya on every level Evs- especially when you say you've experienced ogling first hand. I must say too, I have been made to feel very uncomfortable by men aswell. It makes me feel almost embarrassed to be walking around shops with someone who can barely make eye contact with me, and potentially make other women feel uncomfortable.

And then ofcourse, its a vicious cycle of feeling insecure, angry, slightly crazy? All reminders of what happened, and questioning if its just me sabotaging things all because I'm hurting.

There's no right answer here- I'm hoping with the end of the porn habits, those sexualized thoughts of our beautiful friends & strangers will fade. Can only hope.

Stay strong and try our best to be positive- we love those foolish men.
We wouldn't be here hurting like this if we didn't xxxxx

 

I'm so sorry, my heart goes out to you. My bf relapsed after over 500 days, only I had to confront him about it. If anything take hope in he came to you and told you about it and didn't try to hide it. This is a very hard journey to walk through, it takes a lot of strength to do it, on both sides. But I know that we often try to push our own feelings and pain down to support our PA. If you two can work together and support each other I think you can get through it. I really have no advise, I'm lost in all this too. I just wanted to offer up some support.

 

Wow, I can relate to you, EVS. The hardest part of all this at least now, after 15 months of recovery, are the ogling triggers. It's is not much fun being out now especially in vulnerable places. My WH therapist told him to avoid the avoidable if those places trigger me. Even our grandkids soccer games are triggering as there are hot young mothers there for his eye candy pleasure. This whole ordeal has nearly ruined my self esteem. At age 66 I can in no way compete with 30 something women.
I have lost all respect for my 75 year old husband. The fact that he has been lusting after young women more than four decades younger than him is sickening to me. And it seems young sexy, scantily dressed woman are EVERYWHERE. When did spandex become everyday clothing, Geeze!
I have been doing thing alone a lot more these days. Even though he is in solid recovery, I still am triggered when attractive woman are around cuz I know he is struggling to control his eyes and thoughts....ugh!

 

Hi Evs ,
Im so sorry to hear that her relapsed- especially while you were feeling so vulnerable.
You must take comfort in knowing that he immediately came clean- that's huge. Well done for showing him support, kindness and compassion. If my partner relapses again- I really really hope I can be as strong as you.
Was there any feeling that perhaps he was heading in that direction? The post you made initially suggests you were feeling particularly insecure at that time. Our senses serve us well- as I too was feeling the same way before my partner relapsed 80 odd days ago.
Tbh that feeling of insecurity and anxiety is coming back - and some of his behaviours and attitudes are starting to sway. Lets hope I'm wrong.

Again, well done you for being so strong and such solid rock for your partner.
Xxx

 

The way I see it , is you have every reason to be feeling depressed and hopeless. You have experienced a deep personal betrayal. It takes time to digest all the emotions that accompany the betrayal trauma.

You’re not responsible for your boyfriend’s sobriety or slips..he’s responsible for himself. If he slips because of the stress and depression that you are experiencing ,it’s still on him.

If your boyfriend is indicating that he is getting scared about commitment based on your mental health, he’s emotionally distancing/abusing you.

I also don’t think your determination and optimism is being undermined by your mental health...I think your boyfriend is gaslighting you.

Please be wise and take care of you, you are in a vulnerable state right now. Reach out to others who have experienced what you are going through, (as you have done) be patient and kind to yourself...YOU ARE WORHT IT...
Love and prayers coming your way.