Trouble approaching women

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by robertsx23, Jul 25, 2019.

  1. robertsx23

    robertsx23 Fapstronaut

    17
    17
    3
    So idk what is fear nervousness anxiety but I have a lot of trouble talking to a girl let alone approaching them I want to go and talk to girls I’m just too scared to I guess I know I don’t have to have sex with them but that’s like one of the first places my mind goes I’m pretty lonely I want some one to be with I want to have sex but I know I can’t do I don’t bother approaching women I want to but I don’t out of fear
     
    Millenial likes this.
  2. ReachYourHighestPeak

    ReachYourHighestPeak Fapstronaut

    49
    92
    18
    Hey robertsx23, do you have any trouble talking to strangers that are guys? Like say the cashier at Kroger, or the server at a restaurant?
     
    robertsx23 likes this.
  3. robertsx23

    robertsx23 Fapstronaut

    17
    17
    3
    I’m socially awkward it’s not like I can’t talk with a girl who’s a cashier or waitress because I have before it’s just went I see a cute girl And I want to say something to her I can’t find the courage too
     
  4. Millenial

    Millenial Fapstronaut

    228
    593
    93
    do you have a hobby you really love ?- if you do, then you can find other girls who love that hobby and then you'll have loads to talk about.
     
    Wall_E and robertsx23 like this.
  5. robertsx23

    robertsx23 Fapstronaut

    17
    17
    3
    Photography is a hobby I’m some what passionate about I’ll give it try thanks man
     
  6. ReachYourHighestPeak

    ReachYourHighestPeak Fapstronaut

    49
    92
    18
    Do you have any anxiety just talking to guys that are strangers?
     
    robertsx23 likes this.
  7. robertsx23

    robertsx23 Fapstronaut

    17
    17
    3
    I’m just like awkward I find myself always trying to think of what to say instead of it just coming naturally
     
  8. ReachYourHighestPeak

    ReachYourHighestPeak Fapstronaut

    49
    92
    18
    It sounds like you need to do some work on just better socializing yourself and being confident in general social situations.

    You can start this by just going up to random strangers in the street and asking simple questions like "Hey do you have the time" Or "Hey, do you know which way the library is?"

    Simple things like this, then you can progress into more difficult or complex conversations. You can start with guys, old people, the Liberty Tax mascot, whatever. Just go and talk to people, get out of your shell however you can, but start slowly so you don't get overwhelmed.

    And if you're thinking about what to say all the time, you're probably filtering too much of what you could say. If you're anything like I used to be, you've got 100 things that you could potentially say that pop into your head, but none of them sound good enough to let out of your mouth. STOP FILTERING!!! Even if it sounds stupid as hell, just let it out.
     
    Sinbad, Wall_E, koolpal and 3 others like this.
  9. Millenial

    Millenial Fapstronaut

    228
    593
    93
    Dude that's not good enough you've got to work harder at finding hobbies and passions, I'm useless at it myself but I'm sure it's the answer.
    Can you imagine how easy it would be if you really loved something and then found a woman who loved exactly the same thing? Life would be sweet for us bro.
    I don't know if photography is going to cut it, it needs to be something more specific I reckon.
     
  10. We could give you 1000 tips and tricks on how to talk to girls and be seductive and so on, but none of these will ever matter if you are not confident and have a good opinion about yourself. The key is increasing confidence, how you see yourself, how you relate yourself to other people, self-improvement and so on. Do this right and things will come more naturally, and it will get easier, then we can talk about what to say to a girl to impress her and so on.
     
  11. robertsx23

    robertsx23 Fapstronaut

    17
    17
    3
    Thanks for the feedback I really appreciate means a lot to me knowing there’s people who are willing to listen and give advice thanks again
     
  12. Im gonna work on myself and become so good.Women will choose me and fight for me.Men who dont fap and take charge are 0.01% or less on this planet.You are the trophy,not them.Get that in your head.
     
  13. I forgot to tell you something.A smart well read and well spoken man with a good physique beats the shit out of a stunning woman,no matter what she looks like.Nothing is more attractive than a intelligent athletic guy making smart decisions and moving forward in life.
     
    koolpal and Deleted Account like this.
  14. ReachYourHighestPeak

    ReachYourHighestPeak Fapstronaut

    49
    92
    18
    Yeah, you don't even have to be good looking. Just the way you carry yourself and behave will do the trick. One of my clients is close to 300lbs and has a receding hairline. When he started the program, he had no confidence in his ability to speak to women. He can now walk into a crowd of them and have them fawn over him in just a matter of minutes.
     
    Wall_E and Deleted Account like this.
  15. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

    1,140
    5,529
    143
    It's not the women that you fear. It's uncertainty and tension.

    It takes time and effort to make the unfamiliar positive things more familiar and to make the familiar mediocre things more unfamiliar. To do this you need to be able to put effort and time into something that won't reward you in the short term. You have to sacrifice short term emotions for the sake of long term outcomes. That means dealing with tension and uncertainty. That means doing things that might not work. That means challenging something beyond your current level of competence, confidence, and level of experience. Your ego doesn't want you to fail or be rejected, so it clings to what's familiar (avoiding women by creating fear in your mind... also known as self sabotage. So that you wouldn't have to deal with uncertainty and tension. The ego can just stay nice and comfortable with what's familiar).

    That's why an escape method like porn is so widely consumed. It's easy, certain, and guaranteed instant gratification. It sacrifices long term outcomes for the sake of comfortable short term emotions. Whereas learning to interact with women better is challenging, uncertain, and non guaranteed delayed gratification.

    Circumstances are made not to matter as much by experiencing them. Fail more. Risk more. Get rejected more. Learn to deal with those emotions and outcomes in a positive way rather than escaping them. When you avoid tension and uncertainty, you become someone that plays not to lose. You don't lose, but you also don't win anything... you just stay nice a comfortable. You become excessively careful and overly concerned about doing the perfect thing to get the perfect outcome (which doesn't exist). By doing this, you're reinforcing the belief that you can't handle whatever happens. You can't handle tension and uncertainty. You can't handle when things don't go your way. So you hesitate, procrastinate, and wait for guarantees before taking any action. When you do take action, it's half assed, walking on eggshells, and very careful. Then it doesn't go your way. Then you become even more careful, anxious, and avoidant. You escape more via alcohol / drugs / porn / junk food / tv / etc. You further reinforce the belief that you can't handle tension and uncertainty.

    If you want to get better at socializing with women, let go of the need to stay safe and comfortable. Let go of the need to cling on to what's familiar. Allow yourself to make mistakes, fail, and get rejected. Experience more tension and uncertainty in your life. Learn to deal with outcomes that doesn't go your way. More importantly than getting better with women, you'll become better at living life in general. You develop a self respect and confidence that's naturally attractive. Even then, nothing is guaranteed and things might not work out. There's no guarantees.

    Stay with pain, problems, and negative experiences long enough and you'll be able to experience higher quality pleasure, solutions, and positive experiences.

    Attracting women isn't your problem. Learn to live a better life. Do more things that will allow you to self validate and develop self respect rather than needing those things from other people. Become someone that's attractive to you and soon you'll find the right people who resonate with what you have to offer and are excited to offer what you want out of relationships.
     
    Xtownsend and koolpal like this.
  16. Mithras

    Mithras Fapstronaut

    76
    95
    18


    Couldn't have read better post on this dark day (relapsed 1 day ago, smoked weed, cigarettes and got drunk yesterday night). This gives me some motivation to move in the right direction.
     
  17. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

    1,140
    5,529
    143
    You escaped and numbed yourself via relapsing (sacrificed long term outcomes for the sake of short term emotions). Then you proceeded to reward yourself by spiraling downwards with weed, cigarettes, and alcohol which reinforced the belief and the circumstances that your reality is something that you can't handle and needs escape from.

    You don't need motivation. The whole idea of needing to feel good before doing the things you know you should be doing to become the person you want to be and to have the life that you want is counterproductive. You place so many bariers on yourself that way.

    I need to feel motivated / good before taking positive action -> things aren't going my way and it's challenging so I don't feel good anymore -> to feel good again I relapse and escape from reality -> start all over again. It just keeps reinforcing the need to always feel good and to always be weak in the face of adversity (the adversity that you need to have a better life and to become a better person).

    Do things even if you don't feel like it. If you're challenging something beyond your comfort zone, competence, confidence, certainty, and experience level... you probably won't feel good in the moment that you need to take crucial action.

    Commit to a higher quality life. For example... You could eat Mcdonalds everyday for every meal because it feels good and it's convenient in the short term, but while sacrificing your long term health.... or you can learn to cook and have better nutrition which won't feel good in the short term, but will improve your quality of life in the long term.

    It's a matter of settling for cheap stimulations that rewards you instantly or putting in the work for a higher quality life that's more challenging to be rewarded by.
     
    Mithras and koolpal like this.

Share This Page