Truly need help here... not sure what to do anymore

T

Tbiggs216

New Fapstronaut
Hello guys, first time participant here and I apologize in advance for the long post, but really need some assistance...

I am a recovering porn/masturbation addict and have been an addict from a very young age (roughly 12 years old). I was always both completely fascinated by the female body and at the same time thought it was so sexy and sensual drawing me in and making me very aroused all the time. Whether I saw it in magazines/movies or in the comics/anime I am a big fan of, I could not escape the allure of the large chested, slim waisted, large assed females that had me running to the bathroom every chance I could.

Over time - the copious amounts of straight porn I would watch would no longer satisfy me... so I dabbled in "Gay Hypnosis" videos adding to the taboo/forbidden fruit of it all thinking they would have no effect on me, and I was very wrong. Soon the more taboo the better and I was then watching copious amounts of gay porn and even took to messaging with other men online (women always proved a bit more difficult in trying to help me get off). These actions continued and were so prevalent, it even made me question my sexuality (a thought that still plagues my mind), but that is another discussion entirely.

I never thought I had a problem until meeting my now wife when she caught notice of both my browser history (the one time I forgot to clear it) as well as my trips to the bathroom. As if this wasn't problematic enough, she also caught sexual messages I as sending to other people online, both men and women alike (more men the further I plummeted into my behavior). Suffice it to say, my now wife did not take it well and threatened to leave me unless I got help, which I did. I started going to meetings and limiting my online usage - and then Covid hit. Those meetings were shut down, but at that stage I felt I had a good handle on myself and my urges.

It has now been roughly 2.5 years but i have been slipping back into my old ways. My wife and I (now married) had a baby and our sex life has been hit drastically. With that, my venture back online has started up again for about 3-4 months now and it has escalated back to the stage where my masturbation habit is back in full force leading me to chafing and severe lack of interest in sex with my wife again. I know its a problem and I know I should not continue down this path, but nothing makes me feel hotter and feel as good and I'm legitimately scared and feel so conflicted. I have once again started messaging people online and the porn viewings have increased as well.

I just feel as though I have fallen off the wagon entirely so to speak and I don't have the confidence to stop myself and I am really looking for some help/guidance/advice. Absolutely anything would be so so appreciated. Please and thank you all for reading my struggles.
 
First things, you're not alone. Plenty of others on here I've read with similar history and problems, myself included. What's great is you're also not alone in real life as you have a wife who stuck by you and supported your recovery last time. So if nothing else, she knows and understands you much better than most SO's on here I dare say (certainly mine doesn't know).

My advice would be to talk to your wife. Be open and honest with her, I suspect its the betrayal of trust that hurts most. Ask for her help and strength to get you back on track again. Remember why you stopped it the first time and what more you would be losing this time.
 
you are what being a good man is about really:having a wife,and a baby! so dont hate yourself for you took the path of fatherhood, householder. But yes,talk to your wife (maybe she has a similar,minor problem too? who knows. help each other in that case). Talking with family is always good, they arent after your money like a therapist...
 
I can relate to where my addiction escalated to gay porn. Hetro porn lost it's magic. I stopped myself from this escalating any further to where making online contact with other willing males off limits. Cause I’m also married with a family. I hated the way my addiction made me feel like a stranger in my own home. Living a double life is undesirable. Its come down to that you either make a decision to live one life or the other. I can’t have both.
 
Tbiggs216 said:
Hello guys, first time participant here and I apologize in advance for the long post, but really need some assistance...

I am a recovering porn/masturbation addict and have been an addict from a very young age (roughly 12 years old). I was always both completely fascinated by the female body and at the same time thought it was so sexy and sensual drawing me in and making me very aroused all the time. Whether I saw it in magazines/movies or in the comics/anime I am a big fan of, I could not escape the allure of the large chested, slim waisted, large assed females that had me running to the bathroom every chance I could.

Over time - the copious amounts of straight porn I would watch would no longer satisfy me... so I dabbled in "Gay Hypnosis" videos adding to the taboo/forbidden fruit of it all thinking they would have no effect on me, and I was very wrong. Soon the more taboo the better and I was then watching copious amounts of gay porn and even took to messaging with other men online (women always proved a bit more difficult in trying to help me get off). These actions continued and were so prevalent, it even made me question my sexuality (a thought that still plagues my mind), but that is another discussion entirely.

I never thought I had a problem until meeting my now wife when she caught notice of both my browser history (the one time I forgot to clear it) as well as my trips to the bathroom. As if this wasn't problematic enough, she also caught sexual messages I as sending to other people online, both men and women alike (more men the further I plummeted into my behavior). Suffice it to say, my now wife did not take it well and threatened to leave me unless I got help, which I did. I started going to meetings and limiting my online usage - and then Covid hit. Those meetings were shut down, but at that stage I felt I had a good handle on myself and my urges.

It has now been roughly 2.5 years but i have been slipping back into my old ways. My wife and I (now married) had a baby and our sex life has been hit drastically. With that, my venture back online has started up again for about 3-4 months now and it has escalated back to the stage where my masturbation habit is back in full force leading me to chafing and severe lack of interest in sex with my wife again. I know its a problem and I know I should not continue down this path, but nothing makes me feel hotter and feel as good and I'm legitimately scared and feel so conflicted. I have once again started messaging people online and the porn viewings have increased as well.

I just feel as though I have fallen off the wagon entirely so to speak and I don't have the confidence to stop myself and I am really looking for some help/guidance/advice. Absolutely anything would be so so appreciated. Please and thank you all for reading my struggles.
Click to expand...

Here's my story. Am I a Sissy?? (Actually a good story with happy ending, trust me, read the whole thing)

Not exactly the same but similar themes
 
Tbiggs216 said:
Hello guys, first time participant here and I apologize in advance for the long post, but really need some assistance...

I am a recovering porn/masturbation addict and have been an addict from a very young age (roughly 12 years old). I was always both completely fascinated by the female body and at the same time thought it was so sexy and sensual drawing me in and making me very aroused all the time. Whether I saw it in magazines/movies or in the comics/anime I am a big fan of, I could not escape the allure of the large chested, slim waisted, large assed females that had me running to the bathroom every chance I could.

Over time - the copious amounts of straight porn I would watch would no longer satisfy me... so I dabbled in "Gay Hypnosis" videos adding to the taboo/forbidden fruit of it all thinking they would have no effect on me, and I was very wrong. Soon the more taboo the better and I was then watching copious amounts of gay porn and even took to messaging with other men online (women always proved a bit more difficult in trying to help me get off). These actions continued and were so prevalent, it even made me question my sexuality (a thought that still plagues my mind), but that is another discussion entirely.

I never thought I had a problem until meeting my now wife when she caught notice of both my browser history (the one time I forgot to clear it) as well as my trips to the bathroom. As if this wasn't problematic enough, she also caught sexual messages I as sending to other people online, both men and women alike (more men the further I plummeted into my behavior). Suffice it to say, my now wife did not take it well and threatened to leave me unless I got help, which I did. I started going to meetings and limiting my online usage - and then Covid hit. Those meetings were shut down, but at that stage I felt I had a good handle on myself and my urges.

It has now been roughly 2.5 years but i have been slipping back into my old ways. My wife and I (now married) had a baby and our sex life has been hit drastically. With that, my venture back online has started up again for about 3-4 months now and it has escalated back to the stage where my masturbation habit is back in full force leading me to chafing and severe lack of interest in sex with my wife again. I know its a problem and I know I should not continue down this path, but nothing makes me feel hotter and feel as good and I'm legitimately scared and feel so conflicted. I have once again started messaging people online and the porn viewings have increased as well.

I just feel as though I have fallen off the wagon entirely so to speak and I don't have the confidence to stop myself and I am really looking for some help/guidance/advice. Absolutely anything would be so so appreciated. Please and thank you all for reading my struggles.
Click to expand...
Nothing makes you feel better. First really think about that- a new baby, a woman who loves you but virtual cheating and masturbation feels better than anything else. Addiction steals your ability to feel. The only thing that feels good is your addiction. You are on a path straight to hell and dragging your innocent family with you. As long as it makes you feel good, what does it matter if you destroy your wife and child? That’s essentially what you’re saying. So what works? Why didn’t you do group meetings on line once Covid shut it down? My husband does in person and on line groups, he’s been going for almost 4 years. Have you looked into a csat? Counseling can help. Have you gotten rid of devices that prove easy to access porn? Or at least completely blocked internet from them. Do you have accountability partners? More than one or two. Have you learned your addiction cycle and have a plan to disrupt it? Triggers? What have you done to get into recovery? I’m not talking about 30, 60,90 day streaks, I’m talking about actual recovery where you change your life and never relapse again. Which is unheard of for people on this forum. Very few even make it a full year. Some lie about their success, some just give up, some spend years relapsing. So what will you do that supports recovery? The biggest challenge is going to be coming clean with your wife. You can’t get into recovery without that. Every addict on here still lying to their spouse will argue that you can, but not one has reached 5 years clean, so there is that. The question really is “ what do you want the most for your life?”. Then your actions support that desire. You can get into recovery and be clean. It will take a lot of time and effort, there is no magic easy cure. Treating pornography Addiction by Dr. Kevin Skinner is one of the best books out there( he is Mormon so it does have religious aspects) Out of the Shadows by Carnes is really good as well. Helping her heal by (Weiss?I think) is good to watch with your wife. Out of the doghouse another good book. Love languages, if you don’t know those, almost anything by Gottman. Learn how to get into recovery. You will need help. A support group. The forum can be good but you will need more. Definitely start going to meetings again! Learn to recognize your “ addict”. That voice that tells you you’re doing good and just a little won’t hurt. The voice that tells you to lie to your wife, that she doesn’t need to know. The voice that says this is the last time. It’s never the last time and you know it.
 
Psalm27:1my light said:
Nothing makes you feel better. First really think about that- a new baby, a woman who loves you but virtual cheating and masturbation feels better than anything else. Addiction steals your ability to feel. The only thing that feels good is your addiction. You are on a path straight to hell and dragging your innocent family with you. As long as it makes you feel good, what does it matter if you destroy your wife and child? That’s essentially what you’re saying. So what works? Why didn’t you do group meetings on line once Covid shut it down? My husband does in person and on line groups, he’s been going for almost 4 years. Have you looked into a csat? Counseling can help. Have you gotten rid of devices that prove easy to access porn? Or at least completely blocked internet from them. Do you have accountability partners? More than one or two. Have you learned your addiction cycle and have a plan to disrupt it? Triggers? What have you done to get into recovery? I’m not talking about 30, 60,90 day streaks, I’m talking about actual recovery where you change your life and never relapse again. Which is unheard of for people on this forum. Very few even make it a full year. Some lie about their success, some just give up, some spend years relapsing. So what will you do that supports recovery? The biggest challenge is going to be coming clean with your wife. You can’t get into recovery without that. Every addict on here still lying to their spouse will argue that you can, but not one has reached 5 years clean, so there is that. The question really is “ what do you want the most for your life?”. Then your actions support that desire. You can get into recovery and be clean. It will take a lot of time and effort, there is no magic easy cure. Treating pornography Addiction by Dr. Kevin Skinner is one of the best books out there( he is Mormon so it does have religious aspects) Out of the Shadows by Carnes is really good as well. Helping her heal by (Weiss?I think) is good to watch with your wife. Out of the doghouse another good book. Love languages, if you don’t know those, almost anything by Gottman. Learn how to get into recovery. You will need help. A support group. The forum can be good but you will need more. Definitely start going to meetings again! Learn to recognize your “ addict”. That voice that tells you you’re doing good and just a little won’t hurt. The voice that tells you to lie to your wife, that she doesn’t need to know. The voice that says this is the last time. It’s never the last time and you know it.
Click to expand...
Great response!
 
Subbyhubby said:
First things, you're not alone. Plenty of others on here I've read with similar history and problems, myself included. What's great is you're also not alone in real life as you have a wife who stuck by you and supported your recovery last time. So if nothing else, she knows and understands you much better than most SO's on here I dare say (certainly mine doesn't know).

My advice would be to talk to your wife. Be open and honest with her, I suspect its the betrayal of trust that hurts most. Ask for her help and strength to get you back on track again. Remember why you stopped it the first time and what more you would be losing this time.
Click to expand...

Thank you so much for your response... its helping me to view this differently and see the resources I have around me to help me get back on a good path. I really appreciate you acknowledging me.
 
loneloan said:
you are what being a good man is about really:having a wife,and a baby! so dont hate yourself for you took the path of fatherhood, householder. But yes,talk to your wife (maybe she has a similar,minor problem too? who knows. help each other in that case). Talking with family is always good, they arent after your money like a therapist...
Click to expand...

thank you I really needed to hear this... thank you
 
dth23 said:
I can relate to where my addiction escalated to gay porn. Hetro porn lost it's magic. I stopped myself from this escalating any further to where making online contact with other willing males off limits. Cause I’m also married with a family. I hated the way my addiction made me feel like a stranger in my own home. Living a double life is undesirable. Its come down to that you either make a decision to live one life or the other. I can’t have both.
Click to expand...

You're absolutely right and that's currently the battle I am waging at the moment. I know I am not romantically attracted to men whatsoever and these thoughts/urges I have are purely a result of my addiction. Thank you for responding and acknowledging me.
 
Go to SAA meetings. Online and in person. Find a sponsor. Get a CSAT therapist. NoFap is about PMO, but it is not equipped as a community to handle full on sex addiction and intimacy involving other people. Continue being on NoFap, journaling and staying connected here, but this is only one tool and right now you need the full toolbox. I say this because I was in a very similar place to you 10 years ago. It took years of SAA and therapy to get to where NoFap could be useful in stopping PMO.
Start your journey today and don’t leave the path.
 
The Gay Hypnosis things are usually done by women with incredibly beautiful voices and usually with very straight porn visuals. You wouldn't watch it if you weren't attracted to women.

That being said, I think they are close to the most horrible people on earth.
 
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