Truly Struggling Right Now

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Quick background: mid 30's male, p/m/o user for more than two decades, edger for almost as long

I'm caving under the weight of guilt, shame and inadequacy. For the last couple days, I've had tears in my eyes on more than several occasions. I had much higher hopes for myself in my younger days and as did my family. I'll spare you all the details because I'm not looking for sympathy votes.

Recently, my family's been going through a tough time. I should be a rock for everyone but, truth be told, I'm anything but that. My intentions are great but I suffer with anhedonia and somewhat crippling anxiety (among other things) so it's difficult for me to do much to help myself let alone anyone else. I can't possibly overstate how horribly I feel about it.

I started researching semen retention and looking into NoFap around 2012. To be honest, though, I think I've known in my heart that p/m/o is destructive for even longer. I started experiencing physical symptoms associated with excessive sexual activity while I was still in high school. I could relate to a ton of stories I read on ActionLove, HerbalLove, CED and various forums. Regardless, I don't think I've ever been able to abstain for a full month. The closest I've gotten is about three weeks and I've achieved that no more than a handful of times.

I'm between a rock and a hard place, as they say. I really don't know what to do but I feel the pressure to change and do it fast.
 
One thing I have noticed that porn does to you is it causes you to become more and more disgusted with yourself, the guilt and shame build up and eat at you, you know the clock is ticking and time is being wasted and it adds more fuel to the shame, and it just causes you to begin to hate yourself.

You gotta work on self love, and that can be achieved through working to improve your life in every aspect.

For me personally, removing porn from my life is what I think would help drastically, you really have to put 100% in when you want to quit, it’s all or nothing.
 
Believe2Ach1eve said:
One thing I have noticed that porn does to you is it causes you to become more and more disgusted with yourself, the guilt and shame build up and eat at you, you know the clock is ticking and time is being wasted and it adds more fuel to the shame, and it just causes you to begin to hate yourself.

You gotta work on self love, and that can be achieved through working to improve your life in every aspect.

For me personally, removing porn from my life is what I think would help drastically, you really have to put 100% in when you want to quit, it’s all or nothing.
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I think I started to hate myself in some ways years ago. It's all finally spilling over. That's what I think is happening right now. I know I need to be so much better for myself and for my family. I wish the fuel being added wasn't adding to the shame but rather drive or something that could make me more productive. Fact of the matter is that I'm worn out and burned out. It all compounds. It's a vicious cycle.

I think you're right, though. At this point, I pretty much have no choice but to entirely stop consuming any suggestive content whatsoever. No bikini girls on anti-social media, no movies with beautiful actresses, definitely no porn, etc. What I've been trying and doing clearly isn't enough.
 
A W A K E said:
I think I started to hate myself in some ways years ago. It's all finally spilling over. That's what I think is happening right now. I know I need to be so much better for myself and for my family. I wish the fuel being added wasn't adding to the shame but rather drive or something that could make me more productive. Fact of the matter is that I'm worn out and burned out. It all compounds. It's a vicious cycle.

I think you're right, though. At this point, I pretty much have no choice but to entirely stop consuming any suggestive content whatsoever. No bikini girls on anti-social media, no movies with beautiful actresses, definitely no porn, etc. What I've been trying and doing clearly isn't enough.
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Use your (smart) phone smartly to your advantage. The (smart)phone is a open free source for fuckers like social media. Stay away from that. Use everything to your advantage.
 
Yin&Yang said:
Use your (smart) phone smartly to your advantage. The (smart)phone is a open free source for fuckers like social media. Stay away from that. Use everything to your advantage.
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Well maybe I can switch to "rooted smartphone" (maybe GrapheneOS etc. I have to look up for them). But only for camera, QR reader, one GPS/Location app. Only just for these 3 things. Rest is distraction and garbage.
 
gordonfreeman14603 said:
Well maybe I can switch to "rooted smartphone" (maybe GrapheneOS etc. I have to look up for them). But only for camera, QR reader, one GPS/Location app. Only just for these 3 things. Rest is distraction and garbage.
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It is fcking shit normal phones. You can tweak youtube atleast with root and remove other bullshit.
 
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Yin&Yang said:
Use your (smart) phone smartly to your advantage. The (smart)phone is a open free source for fuckers like social media. Stay away from that. Use everything to your advantage.
Click to expand...

I only use Instagram to follow a couple dozen people but the "recommendations" are obviously horrible for recovery from p/m/o use. Only other app I have is Reddit but obviously there's a lot of negativity there. You're right, though. I have to limit what I use the phone for.
 
A W A K E said:
I only use Instagram to follow a couple dozen people but the "recommendations" are obviously horrible for recovery from p/m/o use. Only other app I have is Reddit but obviously there's a lot of negativity there. You're right, though. I have to limit what I use the phone for.
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I only use YouTube and downloading max 5 videos per day with terminal app called yt-dlp
 
A W A K E said:
I only use Instagram to follow a couple dozen people but the "recommendations" are obviously horrible for recovery from p/m/o use. Only other app I have is Reddit but obviously there's a lot of negativity there. You're right, though. I have to limit what I use the phone for.
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Instagram is trash. I stay away from social media. 90% of relapses start on social media. Social media is trash in and of itself. For a sex addict social media is a death trap.
 
Be Inspired said:
Instagram is trash. I stay away from social media. 90% of relapses start on social media. Social media is trash in and of itself. For a sex addict social media is a death trap.
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I can't argue with you. I know it's trash. I was off it for 2 years and just got back on a couple months ago. This won't come as a shock but yes, it's made me relapse at least 10-15 times since. The "recommendations" on there – and on TheyTube and really everywhere else – are intentional. They are simply hyper-sexualizing society more and more each day.
 
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