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Trust My Feelings

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by breakmylove, Jun 20, 2017.

  1. breakmylove

    breakmylove Fapstronaut

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    Woke up feeling really positive and hopeful about the future - confident in my SO that he can recover and develop healthy coping habits, that we can repair our relationship and build trust. It felt great to have this attitude towards our relationship and his success.

    Then a few hours ago I suggested we book our flights for a vacation planned with his family. While I searched through flights I suddently felt really reluctant. I had considered staying home from the vacation a couple of times in the past month or so. The last time I went on vacation with his family was last summer. While we were on that trip he sexually assaulted me. I've been panicking at the thought of having to sit around smiling and spending time with his family pretending like he hadn't just hurt me. I know we've come a long way since then but my feelings and fear are so overwhelming today.

    Two nights ago, I talked to my boyfriend about how I recovered from my eating disorders on my own. I told him the strategies I used and what I would tell myself to redirect my emotions. He told me how much what I said helped him feel grounded yesterday.

    But feeling this uncertainty so unexpectedly today is so discouraging. I wish my feelings wouldn't fluctuate. I want to feel stable and safe. I don't want to have these intense mood swings and flashbacks. I'm still trying to find a therapist, I know realistically I can't work through all of this on my own.
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  2. breakmylove

    breakmylove Fapstronaut

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    Things have been going okay. My boyfriend has been very productive and has kept himself busy. It seems to really be helping him and I hope it continues to do so.

    I'm still feeling torn. I'm putting my effort in to be a good partner, but my thoughts about separating still pop up occasionally. I feel like at this point I want the goal of my relationship to be marriage and starting a family. I don't know if I'll be able to trust my boyfriend enough to make that commitment. I feel really lovebombed at the moment. He's been going above and beyond - cleaning, cooking, sent me flowers to work, buying me little gifts and treats, massaging my back after work. Very affectionate and attentive to me. But why do I still feel like this? I'm so grateful and really love this kinda of behavior. But I'm so paranoid that his attentions aren't all good. I don't want to be convinced that everything is on their way up and he's this changed person only for him to relapse or hurt me.

    I'm trying to stay positive but there's a fine line between staying positive and being realistic.
     
  3. Drew140

    Drew140 Guest

    Your boyfriend assaulted you?
     
  4. breakmylove

    breakmylove Fapstronaut

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    Communication seems to have improved between us. It takes a little prodding from me but the fact that he actually shares his feelings and can confront them is so huge to me.

    We've been spending more time together trying to connect. We've been purchasing some furniture and things for our apartment. It's been really fun picking stuff out together but there's a part of me that keeps wanting to run and withdraw. My thoughts float away towards "getting all this stuff is going to make moving out even harder" or just questioning why we're bothering with it at all. I know it's just my fears surfacing but it's still complicating the situation.

    I hoping for a good week. I just want this open communication to continue so we can stay on the same page emotionally.
     
  5. breakmylove

    breakmylove Fapstronaut

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    I wouldn't just write that for shits and giggles.
     
  6. Drew140

    Drew140 Guest

    Well then why are you still with him?
     
  7. breakmylove

    breakmylove Fapstronaut

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    He's tried to take responsibility for his actions and change. It wasn't something he refused to address or denied. I obviously can't know for sure but I think this addiction has a lot to do with what happened. As long as I see effort being put forth I feel like it's worth trying.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  8. breakmylove

    breakmylove Fapstronaut

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    Oops... neglected this for a bit.
    Things have been significantly better for the past week or two. My boyfriend has been so productive and motivated. He's been so helpful around our apartment and in general. I've been receiving so much attention, haven't felt pressured sexually whatsoever. I still have moments of insecurity and worries especially when walking into our office when he's on the computer. But otherwise things have improved. I feel happy and relaxed, genuinely enjoy spending time with him again. It just feels great to not be weighed down by constant anger and sadness like I was in the beginning.

    I am so thankful for all the effort he's put into this. He's been to one therapy appointment and will go again next month. I feel realigned as a couple and hope things continue in this direction.
     
  9. breakmylove

    breakmylove Fapstronaut

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    May have been unrealistic, but I was hoping that I would never be back here. It felt like progress was being made. My boyfriend and I are now engaged and moving to a new city this month. I was under the impression up until Sunday night that he was doing well - checking in here and there and being told that he’s doing well/no PM temptations.


    On Sunday night we were sitting side by side in bed talking about movies or something and he wanted to google something. He opens his safari app and his finger slides straight to the left to open a private browser. The lump that would normally form in my throat and keep my quiet wasn’t there. I said “that was weirdly natural” and he said “yeah I don’t know why I did that...” and goes right to talking about whatever he googled. Again, I commented on how strange it was that he went straight to a private window which was met with another “I don’t know”. I asked how he’s been feeling and if things are still going okay. He said “I’ve been doing good babe, don’t worry”. I turned and laid on my side facing away from him and he scratched my back. We laid there in silence. After maybe 10 minutes he says “I’m sorry, I did the defensive lying thing. I’ve been struggling”. He told me that it’s been over a month that he slipped back into PMO.


    I thought we were doing well. For nearly the past month I’ve finally felt comfortable to go out with my friends/go out shopping/whatever while he is home alone. Naturally, every time I did leave the house I would worry he might make a bad decision. But I comforted and reasoned with myself that it had been ~10 months and he is doing well. I always, always ask if it’s cool with him that I go do something for a few hours to give him the opportunity to ask if he’d prefer me to stay home/spend time with him. I would stay home with him in a heartbeat if he asked, or shared with me he was feeling vulnerable/stressed/worried that he may slip up. That tiny, concerned voice who told me to think twice about going out for the day was right. I quieted that voice every time, refusing to trust it.


    All I have asked for is transparency. I deserve honesty. I asked him what he values in a relationship and my guess was correct - stability. I shared this metaphor with my fiancé but it truly captures my current feelings. He wants stability for himself.It feels like we are standing on platforms side by side, high up over water. In order for him to remain stable his only option is to kick my platform out from under me. It’s not out of bad intentions, it’s simply a protective measure to ensure his stability is not compromised. Maybe he beliekves he can rebuild my platform, make things right, it’ll be okay. After all, he’s been able to remain safe so that’s something, right?


    We had a conversation last night about what our values are in a relationship and how we’re currently feeling. I felt pretty in control of my emotions during the conversation, surprisingly. We got in bed and turned on a movie. I wanted to feel close to him but I felt shameful about it. He was scratching my back so I moved closer to him and laid on his chest, we held hands. After a bit he said he’s going to turn over and get to sleep. I repositioned myself so I could watch the movie, but as soon as I turned away I started to cry. I desperately wanted to feel close to him, connected in any way. I felt so alone. We haven’t had sex in a couple of weeks which I assumed was due to the natural ebb and flow (stress, tiredness, etc...) I didn’t speak up about it because again, I just thought maybe it was a slow time for us. To know that it’s because of PMO, it makes me feel so sick. I feel rejected. I’m so disgusted with everything about my appearance. I’m furious at myself for not being more persistent and checking in with him every single day. I feel angry towards him because I don’t think he would have ever told me, it would’ve been a matter of whenever I caught him. To think if I hadn’t spoke up and repeated myself that he would have said nothing.


    I don’t want to be back here.
     
  10. I'm so sorry for you that you have found yourself back here. Please don't feel like you failed him in his recovery. You are not responsible for him, you can't and shouldn't have to watch him every second. He needs to get to a place where he can control himself when he's alone. If he keeps trying and puts in the effort, it's possible.
     
  11. breakmylove

    breakmylove Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your kind, encouraging words. I think that is the most challenging issue facing us right now - the self control while alone, or even when I’m around actually. We’re currently working on emotional honesty. Awesome article if you have time for the read! https://hellogiggles.com/love-sex/love-and-honesty-what-we-hide-and-why-we-lie/amp/
     
    TooMuchTooSoon likes this.
  12. breakmylove

    breakmylove Fapstronaut

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    Feeling pretty good this morning. I’ve been making an effort to openly communicate how I’m doing with eating/body image. I have a long history of eating disorders but have been doing well for the past 1.5-2 years give or take. I blame everything on my body. Not thin enough, not pretty enough, not sexy enough, not taking better care of myself, not dressing well enough, it never ends. I don’t want to cause him stress with my own intrusive thoughts, but I recognize it’s important not to ignore my feelings that could potentially become self-destructive. It feels like I’m constantly criticizing myself about absolutely anything. For example, right now I feel like a shitty dog mom for not having strictly trained our new puppy like I want to and lazy for not going to the gym the past couple of days.

    Yesterday morning we had a chance to go out to breakfast and talk. I shared with him that I have this unsettling feeling of impending doom. It feels like I’m distracting myself by trying to heal and rebuild only to be hit with another shock. I can’t shake the feeling that there are still big secrets being hidden from me. Things were only uncovered when I’ve caught him engaging in bad behaviors or in a lie. Even when I can tell he’s lying I end up having to ask again and again and again for any truth to trickle out. I can recall nothing that was voluntarily shared or revealed by him besides one relapse over a year ago. I hope he can experience how freeing it is to have nothing to hide in a relationship.
     
  13. breakmylove

    breakmylove Fapstronaut

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    Things are going. I haven’t had any surprise moments of rage/fear in a couple of days, which I hope continues. I do find myself feeling panicked and stressed every time I walk out of the house, even just to walk the dog. I refuse to do the normal errands I usually do/leave the house when he’s home. Hitting the reset button on my trust in him really hurts. I wish it could be easy and effortless to know that he’s devoted to me and acts accordingly. I want his actions and habits to reflect the love that he says he has for me. I’m probably just being selfish since I know that he’s struggling and wants to do better.

    We have a big move coming up and it’s making me hopeful for a fresh start. I know it’s not reasonable for me to expect 100% honesty and openness from him from here on out but... damn. It’s such a punch in the gut. He knows the lying is what hurts me the most. But he says that he’s not perfect, he can’t promise he won’t lie, it’s hard not to lie, etc... And I find myself staring at him in disbelief that he thinks saying those things contribute anything to making progress. No shit it’s difficult. No shit you’re not perfect, nobody is. No shit that telling the truth hurts sometimes. Regardless, I feel like him talking to me about absolutely anything is better than silence.
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  14. Yes, yes, yes. This is exactly how I feel, but my husband can't seem to understand it. He thinks, "If I don't talk, I can't say the wrong thing." And, I say, "But, you also can't say the right thing. And, even so, right or wrong, saying anything is at least contributing something and shows an attempt at communicating." o_O
     
  15. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    So, are you saying that communicating is key?? *cough, cough* @Broken3
     
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2018
  16. That is what I'm saying, indeed. Without it, no relationship can ever get better, IMO.
     
  17. breakmylove

    breakmylove Fapstronaut

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    Exactly! I’ve been asking “what are you thinking about?” randomly, not only when we’re deep in conversation. Being caught off guard about anything seems to trigger a reflex for him to lie? No matter the situation it’s like he always wants to hide. So for me to hear even the silly things he’s thinking at the moment is a small comfort that he is capable of telling me the truth when put on the spot. It doesn’t matter if it’s a song stuck in his head, I just want honest words coming from his mouth. Is that a weird way to try and baby step into more openly communicating thoughts/feelings?
     
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  18. breakmylove

    breakmylove Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for taking the time to read my whole journal, that means a lot. I will definitely buy that book! I never was encouraged by the three people I told about those two events. Two being my closest friends and one being my mom. They told me to set boundaries and work on things because he’s a great guy otherwise? I agree, and am starting to understand the trouble I caused myself from being codependent. I now recognize how much of a martyr I was during a certain period of our relationship.

    The codependency is certainly the reason why we haven’t separated. But it’s also my feelings of responsibility for not holding him accountable for his actions a long time ago/speaking up for myself. I have a lot of faith that we can both develop better habits and have a healthy relationship. I suppose that’s the codependency speaking though. Thank you again, definitely has given me a lot to think about.
     
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  19. breakmylove

    breakmylove Fapstronaut

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    Absolutely. Thank you.
     
  20. I don't know if it's weird or just how it happens sometimes. I guess the important part is that it's happening at all. I understand your frustration as well as your need for honest, open communication. In the beginning (20+ years ago), my husband always talked to me that way, sharing his thoughts and feelings and always wanting to know mine, too. Then, when PA eventually took over, that all vanished. And, just as you describe, it seemed like everything was about lying and hiding, even for insignificant menial things. It sucks when they can't seem to honestly share anything they're thinking! So, yes, baby steps are better than no steps. Keep asking, and hopefully it'll continue to get better.
     
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