Trusting issues because of "amateur porn"

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Zero22, Jun 29, 2020.

  1. Zero22

    Zero22 Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys

    Sorry for any mistakes and if this is in the wrong section

    I don't think i can describe exactly how i feel but i will try my best and hope you guys will understand.

    I don't know think i can take this and more. I have severe trust issues even though no one that i know has ever cheated or been cheated on (both guys and girls).

    I never had trust issues even after 6+ years of watching porn movies/pro porn,
    I never had concerns about cheating or gave it a single thaught, maybe because i knew it wasn't real and was scripted.

    The reason i got this problem is from the last couple of months of watching cheating/"amateur" porn on those nsfw/GoneWild sub reddits

    It was manageable for some time but it has escalated so much after i got very rappid mood changes around two months ago from a porn video i found on those sub reddits (yes i got them from a single porn video, i think i may have gotten ptsd or bpd from the video). That was when i decided to quit porn.

    But even after two months of trying to quit porn (had couple of relapses and binges) it hasn't gotten better.

    I get triggerd multiple times a day and can get triggered by almost anything, just today i nearly had a mental breakdown form some weddings i saw on TV and had to sprint to the bathroom and lock myself so that my family doesn't see my breakdown, then after that i got triggerd two more times.

    I can't participate in conversations involving love, relationships, intimacy, ect...
    I try not to watch TV and have to be very careful what i browse on the internet.
    When i see a nice girl i think "what an amazing girl maybe i should go talk to her and get to know her" then i would get triggered and think "what's even the point when she is just going to cheat on me".

    When i am not triggered i know in the back of my mind that she is not going to cheat on me and that my fears are stupid but when i get triggered i have extremely black/white thoughts and can't think rationaly whatsoever it is very common for me to have multiple suicidal thoughts a day.

    It has gotten to the point where i don't think i can ever be functional in a healthy relationship, but what is even worse is that it has gotten to the point where i don't ever want to be in a relationship or get married.

    I really want to find love and be loved but porn has really messed up my mentality and mindset.

    Does anyone have any advice how to recover from this or will it maybe get better with time.

    Sorry for the long post.
     
  2. Private Eye

    Private Eye Fapstronaut

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    It's all really ironic, isn't it? As you describe it, you are really "cheating" yourself out of relationships and love. It's sort of like that Bette Midler song, "The Rose."

    It's the heart afraid of breaking, that never learns to dance.
    It's the dream afraid of waking, that never takes the chance.
    It's the one who won't be taken, who cannot seem to give.
    And the soul afraid of dying, that never learns to live.

    By the way, you don't have to be in a relationship or marriage. Start the process of being in right and proper relationship with yourself first, then live that way for the rest of your life, unless someone happens to come along whom you then want a relationship with [even if only friendships as a kind of practice for a more intimate relationship later], but at least at that time you'll be on a good foundation by yourself so as not to enter into a relationship with another codependently, which will only fail. It's usually when we are at peace and one with ourselves that we then meet someone else, who is often attracted and drawn by our stable foundation and happiness. Just be sure that such a person is not needy for a codependent relationship as well.


     
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2020
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  3. StarRider

    StarRider Fapstronaut

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    In another thread multiple people tried to convince me, that Reddit is not a porn site. Yet you saw the worst kind of P there.

    I have good news for you: What happens on Reddit is not real at all, you are just made believe it is. The "content" put on there is just as fictional anything else you find on porn sites, with one goal: to brainwash you into certain beliefs via psychologically highly effective methods. Doesn't matter if it's just a different genre of porn or walls of texts written by purported "incels" (a hollywood invention) with the sole purpose of creating hate or if it's about praising a scam Kickstarter called Star Citizen, which is supposed to be a video game getting released in 2014 (which obviously never happened, but on Reddit they pretend it did).

    Don't believe Shit on Reddit. And don't go there! It's mental poison.
     
  4. qwertyy

    qwertyy Fapstronaut

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    Not sure I understand what you're saying, women can cheat eventually just like men they're not disney princess but what's the big deal ? Why do you even care ? Seems to me your issue is a lack of self-love and idolizing women, just focus on you bro you're better than this
     
  5. StarRider

    StarRider Fapstronaut

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    Just as Reddit's "incels" were created make women hate on men, the stuff @Zero22 encountered is created make men hate on women and it's no surprise you find this stuff on other porn sites galore.

    The corporate agenda is all about men and women not meeting in the real world anymore, because unhappy people consume more digital poison (including porn). "Digital" is important here, because those "goods" (or "bads") come out of corporate America and can be multiplied at literally no cost, leading to ridiculous margins.

    OTOH couples meeting up, liking each other and procreating successfully due to avoiding PMO also consume a lot, however they lean heavily to physical goods and services, Mostly stuff provided either locally or made entirely in China and other SEA countries. A busy father doesn't need a P*rnH*b subscription beside Xbox Live and PSN with Steam on top of it and a busy mother doesn't really need a whole bunch of Prime, Netflix and Disney+ altogether, because time to waste is scarce and the kids grow up needing new physical stuff not made in America...
     
  6. qwertyy

    qwertyy Fapstronaut

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    Well personally I'm from France and I'm well aware of this our country is "under attack" too, less than America but it doesn't matter, you can't change the world all you can do is helping yourself... don't be trapped like most people, in my city there are still a lot of young couples 20-30 yrs old with children living "normal" life, not everyone is destroyed by the things they push on us.

    OP just seems really lost when I read that post, at some point you need to realize all these things you see on reddit are dumb asf and fake just like porn, leave this behind and try to figure out what you want from life, who cares if some women or men cheat on each other they are lost too, stop being a weak cuck fetishist and try to live a decent life, even if your government is evil you can't do shit about it right ? Leave that fantasy world and focus on you , have some self respect is the answer to OP case
     
    Last edited: Jun 30, 2020
  7. IGY

    IGY Fapstronaut
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    You cannot get BPD from a video.
     
  8. Zero22

    Zero22 Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys thanks for the repilies and advice.

    Like i said i can't explain very good how i feel and when i was writing the post i had a mood swing so i wasn't in a very good state of mind, and now that i re-read what i wrote it does seem "lost" and hard to understand.

    I don't hate women whatsoever but i don't idolize them either, i know that every person has flaws just like me and everyone else.

    And i am NOT a cuck or humiliation fetishist, i hate that stuff and have never watched it or searched for it, the only fetish i have is ass and that is it. (The videos i watched would just show two people having sex and the title would be something like "girl cheating on her boyfriend/husband)

    And i would alway find "cheating" porn by accident when browsing those sub reddits and since i used to PMO multiple time a day i would come across thoes videos often, and even if i were to play the videos by accident i wouldn't be able to stop unless i MO to it because of my porn addiction.

    I only have these trust issues when my mood swings get triggered because of the black/white thinking, taking everything literaly and and not thinking rationaly. The mood swings don't get triggered always but the can be triggered by some silly and stupid stuff, and when they would stop i wouldn't believe i got triggered by such a stupid reason. When i don't have mood swings i am very confidente an would have no problem dating a girl who has been with 1000 men.

    Yes i know you cannot get bpd form a video but i never had these mood swings before watching the that video, but i used to suffer from deppresion and low self esteem and maybe that video triggerd my deppresion again and the mood swings are realted to that.

    I also noticed the mood swings get MUCH worse and MUCH easier to trigger when i relapse and watch porn, my last streak was 15+ days and in that time i wasn't triggerd much and was super confidente, but when i relapsed 3 day ago in the following 2 days i had multiple mood swings.

    I do NOT blame girls and the problem is NOT the girl i would date, the problem is my brain that has been meesed up by porn.

    And what @StarRider wrote is absolutely true, it is all fake and designed to make people hate each other and not have real relationships and stick with porn, and unfortunately i fell for it.

    I know it gets better with time and if i don't watch porn, but then i would relapse and it would be back again.
    I think i will recover when i get rid of my addiction and stop watching porn for good.
     
    Last edited: Jun 30, 2020
  9. qwertyy

    qwertyy Fapstronaut

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    That's fine then you already know what to do to heal yourself, if you really gonna relapse and MO at least don't do it on porn use your mind
     
  10. Zero22

    Zero22 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the help and advice guys.

    I will try my best to quit porn for good.

    And i am sorry if i made a stupid thread, but at that time i was feeling down and just needed to vent.

    Now i feel very stupid for making such a silly thread and will probably delete the thread.
     
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2020
  11. StarRider

    StarRider Fapstronaut

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    @Zero22 It's alright, others can learn from your thread and from the answers in it.
     
  12. DyingStar

    DyingStar Fapstronaut

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    Though I don't think the cheating issue ever bothered me to the point of contemplating suicide, I was very similar in that watching amateur porn that consisted of title that had cheating would bother me, similar to my main fetish of Femdom. I was actually very shocked by the content and disgusted originally, and I sought to constantly avoid it but over the years it kept popping up and eventually (sometime after a hard break up of mine in H.S.) I started to indulge in this type of pornography. Mainly it was Femdom, I'd go on forums and sites that catered towards it, but a good majority of other posters were into the cheating/cuckold aspect too, and I fell under the spell too. Thank goodness, I've never actually engaged in these fetishes of mine IRL, as I find it very demeaning and am quite disgusted by it spiritually, but I've sorta fallen rock bottom and conditioned myself to find this stuff extremely arousing at the same time. So I'm essentially lost in a world of cognitive dissonance, it sounds like you haven't gotten to this point yet, so do your best to drop pornography completely and the trust issue thoughts will fade with time.
     
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  13. Zero22

    Zero22 Fapstronaut

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    It isn't necessarily the fear of cheating that provokes the suicidal taughts, in my mood swings i generaly have very dark/self destructing thinking.

    That "amateur" porn stuff can mess up your mind quite a bit.
     
  14. Private Eye

    Private Eye Fapstronaut

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    It's not all about the porn, though.
     
  15. StarRider

    StarRider Fapstronaut

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    https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/hjw25k/surprised_were_blocked_from_rsex/

    Yep, wanting to quit porn so you can have a healthy sex life one day is now considered "sex-negative". Says everything you need to know about Reddit...
     

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