Trusting your intuition: Q? for SO

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Reverent, Oct 22, 2019.

  1. Reverent

    Reverent Fapstronaut

    It almost seems every time I relasped my wife knew something was up. She could feel it in her gut, soul, mind, heart or what have you. She gets an uneasy anxiety and she can tell things are off.
    I certainly do not discount this, in fact I encourage her to trust it and say something.

    My questions are:
    Can you tell when the PA is being nice out of guilt or because he wants something or when his heart is ginuinely good? Is there a difference?

    What does your gut say when he is acting good? How do you trust it? How do you not be deceived?

    Or does women's intuition only work as a warning not for affirmation?

    (Sincere questions)
    fadedfidelity likes this.
  2. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    Lol! I have no idea how to answer your question but.... I dated my husband 5 years, no sex or fooling around since I wanted to wait until Marriage and I didn’t want to risk pregnancy. I was a virgin. Omg , I knew something was off 3 days into our honeymoon!! I’ve never even French kissed another guy but knew something wasn’t right., it’s uncanny. My gut has never been wrong. My husband has always been a really nice guy, in spite of the porn. But I can tell the difference. Go figure, sorry I couldn’t help more
  3. Why do I get the feeling that you’re asking this to try and fool your wife?

    Yes I 100% knew something wasn’t right. I also knew when he relapsed before any evidence was found. My gut has always been correct.

    I can tell when he is nice from the kindness of his heart and I can tell when he is trying to fool me. Women aren’t psychic- were just not stupid.

    I’m pretty sure if your wife was getting off to other men you’d be able to tell as well.
    fadedfidelity likes this.
  4. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    That was my first thought as well! But, betrayal trauma makes you distrust everyone. I’ve lost friendships because I straight up thought they were lying/trying to trick me only to find out later I was wrong. So, maybe he’s just flummoxed by how she does this, and can tell.
    fadedfidelity likes this.
  5. It was the sentence “how do you not be deceived” that made me think he was looking to fool his wife. You’re absolutely right though. Betrayal trauma has turned me into a distrusting person.
  6. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    He does say he encourages her to trust it. But, all addicts are liars
  7. IamOlive

    IamOlive Fapstronaut

    The answer is yes we can usually tell the difference. When you have lived with a spouse that has PMOed most of your just know. Maybe not all the details but enough. It’s body language, tone of voice, word choice, eye contact, actions,’s just a different feeling.

    My husband hasn’t relapsed and my feelings have shifted. My gut knows when my husband would have before M or Ped during different situations, stresses or moods.

    I do get triggered with anxiety and worry sometimes not because I don’t trust him now but more of how my brain has been programmed. Kinda like how porn rewires addicts brain.

    I’m hoping as more times goes by my ingrained thoughts start to quieten.

    But here is the thing, if you are still relapsing that will not quieten for her. She will stay very intune.
  8. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    We have the magical ability to feel secret betrayal in our gut and soul. Any female with a history of dating males has gotten the "works" over the years, including: lied to, played, cheated on, and gaslighted. So, our bodies and minds have engraved those tiny movements and speech patterns that gives off deception. I always knew when my boyfriends cheated on me when I was young.

    Anything out of the ordinary is suspect. Anything that smells off, looks off, and sounds off usually is not right. As a SO, I can honestly say that if my husband is acting unusually clingy, touchy, sweet, or going out of his way to please me or do things around the house then I know he is trying to hide something and feeling bad about his actions. BUT if he is unusually aloof, isolated, distant, cold, indifferent, etc. then I know he is back to old ways. Sex can also give it away. We know our partners and know how they typically start and end intimacy, how they touch us, how they smell, and how they move. Our intuition is always a warning and can be affirmation if other issues and clues are found along with it.

    Moral of the story: You can't trick a woman for long and she will always find out!
  9. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    LOL! You aren't the only one that felt that! Darn that betrayal trauma...we trust no man. LOL
  10. Reverent

    Reverent Fapstronaut

    Thanks for all the feedback. Yes I am working with my wife through betrayal trauma. There is so much to learn and understand to become ever sensitive to the pain in which I caused her.

    I appreciate the skepticism of @fadedfidelity and @Empty shell of a girlfriend . Looking at it from your point of view it does in fact looking like I'm asking for keys to the fortress. I assure you I'm not trying to gaslight or manipulate my wife. She has suffered way to much.

    I totally understand how she sees my deviance by my ques and behaviors. Also years of experience has taught her to trust her gut. I am thankful for her gift.

    The reason I ask is because as I work through recovery, like you all, I don't trust myself very much. Because I have a history of being untrustworthy, it is hard for me to believe my own motives and intentions. I was curious if I feel I am being kind and ginuine, will her intuition confirm that just like it warns her when I'm not?

    I need all the help I can get learning to do the right things for the right reasons. Denial has wrekt my life.
    Psalm27:1my light likes this.

  11. As you can already tell, those of us who are dealing with betrayal trauma tend to always have our guards up. We believe the worst because it’s easier to be on guard than to be fooled again.

    Why not talk to your wife about all of this?
    DDAY was 363 days ago for me. He had one slip up in February (that I know about) I still can’t fully believe him about this- why? Because he was able to look me in the eye and lie. Even when I had the evidence he would deny, deflect, and lie. So even if he really only had that one slip up I will forever believe it is more- and just assume he has gotten better at hiding it.
    He has shown me love, kindness, shown genuine remorse and starting to show empathy. I still have my guard up. I’m still waiting for him to relapse. (I’ll have to find evidence because he’s never once come forward)
    The way I look at it... we all enter into a relationship with full trust. When that is broken over and over it is extremely difficult to gain back.

    We recently had a vacation for a wedding in Jamaica. I spent months in agonizing anxiety over this trip. I was dreading it. I asked him to promise me if he felt triggered while on vacation. (He watched a lot of milf and interracial porn- Jamaica literally terrified me) during the trip he was all over me, holding me in the ocean, kissing me, becoming extremely horny wanting to have sex all the time (we couldn’t as our child was with us) this is not like him at all.(at home I could dance around naked and he would have NO response... on vacation it was boner city) In my mind it was because of all the beautiful Jamaican women half naked turning him on. I asked him why is he acting like this and he responded that he’s out of work mode. He’s finally able to relax. This is probably true. He works 60 hours a week in a physically demanding job. He did tell me “I promised you I’d tell you if I was triggered- I’ve only wanted you. I feel no triggers from anyone on the beach” Even though this may be true- because of the past lies and trauma - I can’t believe it. I want to believe it. I wish it were true, but I’ll never know what’s a truth and what’s a lie.

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