Truth hurts vs Secret happiness??

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Jonnyb4, Jan 1, 2020.

  1. Jonnyb4

    Jonnyb4 Fapstronaut

    Something I've struggled with over the last week or so, I started NF and came to a bit of a conclusion that if I got to 30 days I'd open up to my wife about the problem. At least then I could say I was doing something to fix it as well.

    However, in the last month a lot has opened up inside of me and while it's made things make sense to me and given me all the reasons I needed to keep this going, it would hurt so many people if I opened up to people I care about.

    I've thought about how I could be honest (ish) with my wife and keep some parts locked away, but I can't see a good way to explain it all without it all coming out. It's all linked back to childhood and family stuff, and then the things I've been involved in since I would say are unforgivable. I've had a lot of this stuff buried inside for some time and I've accepted and came to terms with it all. So, for myself I don't think I need to talk about it anymore than I have.


    What is best.. a lie (keeping a secret) that protects those I love or a truth that hurts everyone?

    :(
     
  2. engelman

    engelman Fapstronaut

    Well ... keeping things from the distant past that can terribly hurt others to oneselves ... it's not lying. If you need to speak them out ... look for someone neutral (a therapist or an AP here), if not ... keep living in peace. Everybody makes terrible mistakes in their lives ... but only a few ... are able to really learn from them. Don't blame you for things that happened during your childhood.

    Keep up with your amazing progress!!!
     
  3. That'sJustDandy

    That'sJustDandy Fapstronaut

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    Talk to a therapist before doing any disclosure, please.

    Done badly this would just be damaging - for her and your recovery.
     
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  4. Jonnyb4

    Jonnyb4 Fapstronaut

    Thanks guys. The distant childhood stuff has been tapped about with a therapist previously, not in relation to this issue but as it turns out was a cause of some depression I had following both my kids being born. That's when I came to terms with it, accepted what it was and moved past it.

    The lightbulb moment with NF linked back to the same things as one of the causes early on for turning to P. "Black Shadow" post in my history was the outcome for me, which had really helped.
     
  5. Joe1023

    Joe1023 Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    I have kind of a similar story. I have several issues from my childhood stemming from my sister and more from my mother. My wife knows about all of those issues and my addiction to porn. I've never seen or heard of a situation where it was better for an addict to not tell their spouse everything. I've never even seen or heard of a situation where the addict should've kept even one aspect of the addiction from their spouse. If your wife is "fragile" in the sense that she's been through some horrible traumatic experiences and this information may really hurt her or set her back in recovery she's already involved in, then yes, I would say getting some therapy first, and doing a facilitated disclosure would be best. If not, then its really up to you. Therapy guided disclosure may be best either way, or it may be better for you wife, depending on her personality, to do it now, just the two of you. You're the only one who can make that call, but I would say that its almost certain that you shouldn't keep any of it from her. Because I've never EVER seen or heard of a scenario where when a spouse (let's be honest, its usually a wife) finds out about her husband's secret addiction, it was better that way than if he had just told her to begin with. There may be some wives who have left a marriage/relationship because of an addiction or a reset, but there will always be a thousand-fold more who left because of lies and secrets.
     
  6. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Better a painful truth than a comforting lie.
     
  7. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    I feel I could never be as close to my wife as I am now had I not told her everything.
    I didn't tell her everything straight away because I did not know everything myself. It has come in waves spread over 4 years. I think we have got to the bottom of things now and I am experiencing a closeness I have never had with anyone else in the past.
     
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  8. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    I feel I could never be as close to my wife as I am now had I not told her everything.
    I didn't tell her everything straight away because I did not know everything myself. It has come in waves spread over 4 years. I think we have got to the bottom of things now and I am experiencing a closeness I have never had with anyone else in the past.
     
  9. Jonnyb4

    Jonnyb4 Fapstronaut

    Were there any impacts on other family/friends around you? Relationships that feel apart because of sharing everything?

    I absolutely get that it would be great to be completely honest, and it would feel great for me. But my concern is how it would make others feel.
     
  10. Joe1023

    Joe1023 Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    I understand what you mean, I really do.....but your concern can't be for everyone else and what negative impact any of that may have. You need to be thinking about your marriage. Your wife needs to know. If you keep it from her, then create distance and extreme pain with her, and possibly get separated or divorced from her, would it be better, any impact you tried to avoid would be seemingly infinitely worse because your wife is now deeply wounded from not only your actions, but because you tried to keep it from her as well. If she finds out, what would you say the chances would be of still keeping that negative impact from happening?

    Sounds like you may be just looking for any reason to not have to tell her, and trust me, again, I get it. But I'm telling you that this will be light years better if you tell her now than if she finds out on her own. I'll bet the entire farm, and the next 25 farms down the road on this! If only I could go back and have the integrity to tell my wife instead of trying to hide it and start to fix things on my own!!!!
     
  11. Reverent

    Reverent Fapstronaut

    Great advice here.☝️

    #1 in my family we don't do secrets. It's not worth the shame and lies you have to carry. We do surprises, like a secret, only with a definite reveal date and the intent to enrich the unbeknown.

    Is this really the kind of surprise you want to gift your wife? Rip it off quickly like a band-aid and go from there.

    You want intimacy? 2 words:
    Authenticity and Vulnerability

    The sooner we bring those to the table the stronger the relationship. Besides we don't get to dictate or manage how someone else feels. No matter how well-intentioned it may be. Not letting her have truth, or feel what she should feel is emotional manipulation, if not abuse.

    Lastly, you don't have to disclose to the whole universe. You made no vows to anyone else but her. Ask for her confidence to allow you to share with family etc, when you are ready.

    I 100% get where you are coming from about not wanting to impact those around us negativly. It sounds kind and noble. But #1 people are already impacted we just don't recognize, and #2 hiding reality is denial and self-serving.

    Best of luck @Jonnyb4
     

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