Trying for tryings' sake

Hi all! I'm a 16 year old whos been on the subreddit for a bit but has since came to the forums because the word reddit is enough of a "trigger" for me. I am insanely nihilistic and have day dreamed about the cliche, angsty teenager who decides to drown themselves in sensory overload of pleasure until they die. It is so painfully hard for me to find meaning to anything but I hope that in actively trying to not to follow in the footsteps of this cliche, I can invent the idea of something honorable to work towards. That being PMO.

For someone who claims to be such such a pessimist, boy am I ridden with the guilt and anguish of falling victim to porn. Missed deadlines that piled up into now large losses in opportunity for who I could have became as a person, growing terribly antisocial and losing any semblance of control thanks to hiding away in my room, etc... For someone who claims to be a nihilist, boy do I feel awful for how quickly porn had once made me depraved. I entered that egrigious cycle of desensitivity and frantically searching for hours on end content that would otherwise make me sick to my stomach. Forget that, any kind of pornography should make me sick to the stomach. I've grown terribly apathetic and have barely a fraction of the energy that I used to. I've recently been reading on the amount of exploitation in that industry and I wish I could punch my younger self for ever stumbling upon the internet when I should have been playing outside and enjoying a care-free youth.

I can't go back in time but I can change things now, even if the journey will be difficult. I hope I didn't come off as too negative but one of my goals is to focus on my mental and physical health so hopefully I'll grow to see glass half-full.

Thank's for accepting me into this community.

 

Hi! Following this post I probably had the longest streak I had ever managed to pull off.
However the week was filled with so much school work and stress that I had many all nighters and during one of them, without any good thinking I peeked and it all went down the trash. I should have just slept. I felt empty, then disgusting and then briefly completely forgot why I bothered with anything in life as some kind of lame excuse to not continue.

I've started up again, armed with some well needed wake up calls after doing some reading and I'm trying to put porn in a place in my mind not where it is desired or hated but forgotten entirely. I don't want to be thinking of "not being an addict" 24/7 ontop of the stress and guilt of daily life. I'm trying to regain what I lost in childhood by doing what I should have now itself, going on bike rides, listening to music and even less childish but healthy things like cooking something less instant than ramen. Of course, I'm skeptical of the idea of trying to trick myself into acting young again because that sounds like self indoctrination but if I keep on whinning I won't acheive anything.