I'm a nerdy 27-year old dude who's never had any serious relationships (and afraid to get into one), can recount the few times I had sex as mostly bad memories, and for as long as I can remember I've always had a huge challenge with loving / accepting myself. After failing the 90-day hardmode challenge countless times I think I pinpointed the underlying reason of my failures. I believe the root lies in my inability to love myself, sexual confusion and seeing myself as inferior, "broken"...and therefore unfit to be romantic with anyone. I'm desperately trying to find a way to diffuse the "I'm broken" spell so that I can finally live my life to the fullest, but I'm not sure how. As a warning: my apologies if this ends up being too long and feels like I'm venting, but I really want to get this off my chest and I don't know where else to vent. I'll include a TLDR at the bottom. I'd say that I've had issues loving/accepting myself for a looong time. Recently I've found out that my mom kept drawings that I drew when I was around 2 years old; she told me that when I would draw myself and other preschoolers from my preschool I'd draw myself smaller than the others, even though I was physically taller than most of them. She thinks it could be related to me having issues verbally communicating with people until I was 4 and subconsciously feeling inferior because of it (I didn't talk full sentences until I was 4). Also, around this age I used to beat up my preschool-mates a lot when I couldn't get eye-to-eye with them, instead of being verbal. Not sure if all this could be an indication that I was in the autistic spectrum or subconsciously had an inferiority complex; I was never professionally diagnosed. Some of my family members from my mother's side have mental- and anger management issues, so maybe this comes into play. My foray into high-speed internet porn started too young...just after I turned 9 (back around 2001/2002). Didn't help that I stumbled upon it by accident because I googled "penis" through curiosity and the first link I clicked on was on a gay porn site. Before this time the only time I remember having any romantic or "sexual" feelings was for this girl I had a big crush on back in elementary school; I don't recall having any romantic feelings for boys before turning 9, although I did like "playing around" with other boys. As I got older I secretly kept looking at gay and straight porn (but mostly gay) and over time it turned into an addiction that up until today I haven't been able to fully shake off. By the time I reached middle school I mostly had crushes on guys, and felt so awkward and embarrassed by it, not knowing who I could talk to about it. Also, around this time I was skinny, nerdy, sexually confused, felt like a complete outsider and started having issues with chronic sinusitis, so naturally bullying came to play and I got into 2 fights, one was with a guy-crush. By this time I felt really suicidal. I hated myself so much that I would physically harm myself and sometimes I literally ripped my face off family photos/pictures, or would take a pen and cross out my face. My parents were pretty alarmed by it. Luckily over time things got a bit better and I started making friends that were more like-minded and into the same nerdy interests as mine. I also had a couple crushes on girls but was too scared to approach them romantically, thanks to my lack of confidence and self-loathing... Also, my sexual confusion about whether I was bi, gay or a "suppressed" straight guy continued well into my late teens and young adulthood. I feel that up to today I'm more sexually attracted to guys and more emotionally attracted to women, but I'm unsure if this will still be the case if I reach past 90 days of hardmode, hence some feelings of HOCD. Eventually I labelled myself as bi and after starting university I came out to my parents and a few friends. Thankfully they were all (seemingly) supportive, as my dad never really expressed support or discontent. Still, I feel pressured to have a family and kids because I'm only child, and my mom constantly hints at wanting a granddaughter one day (because she really wanted to have a daughter, but almost died of complications after having me and afterwards couldn't have more kids). The thing is that feel "unfit" to deal with anybody romantically right now (female or male), because of my self-loathing, lack of self-confidence and past sexual experiences. The few times I had sex (first time was when I was 16; everytime was only foreplay and oral sex) I had trouble keeping it up, and at times when I did keep it keep I couldn't climax; I ultimately helped my sexual partner climax without me climaxing. After self-diagnosing the problem as PIED I started my NoFap journey since early 2014. The second and third time I had sex and I couldn't get it up hard enough for penetration and right after sex they said they were either going to meetup with someone else or asked me to drop them off there. To me it sounded like they were going for a backup or to tell a friend how bad I was with sex...this triggered a self-diagnosed depression. Honestly I'm not entirely sure I'm out of it. So far the longest streak I maintained was 38 days, and I'm still struggling to reach 90 days. I did work on self-improvement by working out more in the gym the last few years (I feel a bit better about my body; still unhappy about having a huge forehead tho) and last year I decided to get psychological help by visiting a therapist for a few sessions, which definitely helped. I think because of it I took the leap after my 27th birthday to finally move out from my parents into my own apartment. I'm happy she's open-minded about all of my issues, but feel a bit of disconnect knowing that she doesn't know about the NoFap, PIED, etc. Eventually I stopped going because I couldn't afford it anymore (had to pay out of pocket). Unfortunately I've isolated myself more and more from feeling like a failure at 27 when I compare myself with some of my peers (I get very anxious from using Facebook to keep up with friends, let alone Instagram) and the isolation feels even worse thanks to the COVID-19 lockdown measures. In conclusion, I feel stuck in life knowing that I haven't been able to diffuse the self-loathing "spell" to be able to complete the 90-day hardmode challenge and stop my self-imposed social isolation, get out my apartment and meet new potential romantic partners (after the lockdown measures of course), make new friends and maintain current ones, etc. I feel hopeless at times knowing that this prevents me from living my life to its fullest potential and I'm desperately seeking a cure for this, since a self-confidence improvement "pill" doesn't exist...yet at least. I'm curious to hear your thoughts, suggestions and advice. I'm all ears. TLDR = I believe that I've experienced an inferiority complex / self-loathing issues since I was very young and never really found a way to love/accept myself. Started with high-speed internet porn at 9 and turned into an addiction watching mostly gay porn and haven't been able to stop, even after starting my NoFap journey back in 2014. Bullying in middle school, sexual confusion, chronic sinusitis and failed sexual experiences exacerbated my feelings of self-loathing and caused depression & self-isolation. I believe all these factors are the reasons why I keep failing the 90-day hardmode challenge. Even with some self-improvement and a few therapy sessions I don't know how to shake off my feelings of self-loathing, constantly comparing myself to peers and feeling like a failure at 27. I need help.