Trying to be better is tough

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by B1144, May 5, 2018.

  1. B1144

    B1144 Fapstronaut

    So I just turned 33, got out of a four year relationship six months ago, recently stopped smoking cannabis, don't drink(not my thing really) and been pmo free for over 30 days now. I live alone in my home town and know some people I can call friends, people I've known for years that are atheists and drinkers but I have dramatically changed in recent years. I went vegan, have a huge interest in spirituality, self improvement, and holistic health and don't really fit in to the crowd I was around too much anymore. I do have some close friends that moved away as well so I don't see them anymore. I do love to do things on my own though nowadays(see movies, go to the city to have dinner, walk and hike in nature) but I guess I just miss being around others to make life feel good or better. It's like you have to get used to doing things yourself and not feel so depressed that no one is around. Obviously with pmo I'd spend a lot of time on procrastinating and wasting the day away. But with recent decisions, my self love process is making alone time kinda difficult at times compared to when I used to have others around. I guess sometimes I just need to vent and explain how life is or what I believe in, to someone that I can relate to without them telling me I've gone crazy or something. I've been interested in sites like to find groups into similar activities but anxiety hits as well and I don't seem to make that decision. (Been to one meetup btw) Living by myself makes it difficult financially because yoga classes or events sometimes are out of my range that I can afford. Can anyone else relate?
    HopeFaith likes this.
  2. scote73

    scote73 Fapstronaut

    What I've noticed is that having the power to choose whether or not to be around people, or to take solace and peace in our alone time, is part of my comfort zone. When I want to be around people and no one is available to talk or hang out, the alone time turns to loneliness. It can be a huge let down.

    Part of breaking out of that comfort zone is accepting any situation I'm in at the present tiime, and knowing I have the power to view any situation in a positive or negative way. It isn't the situation that brings us down, but our thoughts about it that make it so.

    From my perspective, if what you're saying about your present situation is accurate, I'd advise you to not change a thing externally. Keep up the healthy habits! Don't give up trying to connect with peoople! Keep taking action!

    Internally, try and work on viewing the situation differently. Start viewing your self image as something you can control and work on yourself without relying on others. The thing is, sometimes we can work so very hard at improving our life, but when we only do it from an external standpoint nothing seems to change for the better. Changing yourself internally is what gets you the results you want in life.

    This advice can be ambiguous and counter-intuitive, so if you have any questions feel free to ask!
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  3. B1144

    B1144 Fapstronaut

    Damn dude you are so right! That's what I needed to hear. And I know what you mean about my mindset about it, I just need to take my self image more seriously and let go of the past me. Start focusing on what I want to manifest in my own life. Thanks for the input!
    HopeFaith likes this.
  4. HopeFaith

    HopeFaith Fapstronaut

    I have been told 2 years ago, that loneliness is an internal state of lack of connection to our self: our soul and heart.

    There was a study on loneliness I have since read about where they would go and visit lonley people in nursing homes and spent time interacting with them.... only to find out that lonley people can not be helped by simply other people being around them. Regardless if somome visited them or not, they were still feeling lonely. Because it is not about not having people around them that is the problem, everything boils down to the lonely’s people inability to foster and develop meaningful connection with other people.

    And this is true. Personally I was lonley alone, and when I am back with my family I still feel lonely. I interact with people on here but most of my interactions die out. I struggle to connected to my daughter, but we attended a therapy together and the therapiest connected straight a way in an meaningful way to her and she came out a changed person. Many people also feel lonely in a crowd, in their marriages or between coworkers.

    So I agree with @scote73 but his solution from CBT, although invaluable and essential to healing, is only partial solution that deals only with thoughts and mind. What you also need to add on to it, is you working on your internal connection to your body and to your heart and soul. Because your ability to connect to others is only dependant on your ability to be conneted to yourself.

    For the body connection I used hypnosis with body mindfulness, somatic experienceing, craniosacral therapy, joga, sports.

    For the heart and soul connection: somatic experiencing and constelation therapy.

    It is also important that you find and follow your purpose in life. This alone changes everything. When you embark on following your dreams and becoming who you are meant to become, and you are passionate about what you do, other people will be drawn to you.

    So loneliness is an internal state of disconnection to who we are, to our own vitality, joy, soul, heart and body and it would take a while to overcome. For sure you will need to reach out towards people who are internally connected and as a result have the skill of connecting with others meaningfully quickly and learn from them. The more you change internally the more your external life will resemble your internal changes.
    Last edited: May 6, 2018
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