Trying to be the nice guy/make friends - feedback greatly appreciated

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by nelloJ, Sep 3, 2017.

  1. nelloJ

    nelloJ Fapstronaut

    Short intro here, I'm a class clown kind of guy who can count real friends with only one hand...I'm a bit of a tool who nobody can take seriously, but people keep me around for good laughs and banter.

    Maybe it's my personality, character or whatever it is, it's lead to me feeling more lonely than ever recently. I just want close friends who I can really open up to, but it's so hard because when I try being the nice guy I guess, I'm just shrugged away by other guys. I keep pushing and make an effort to try to help others but for some reason I just get shut down in a polite way I guess? It's really hard to explain, it's not that people hate me (at least I hope not), but rather my use as a friend only extends to a banter kind of guy... And this just makes me really lonely and depressed on the inside.

    In my school there are only 2 maybe 3 people who will take me seriously and who can trust me and vice versa.... I'm just wondering if my current dilemma is solely due to the stigma amongst males where they aren't supposed to open up etc. It's really confusing because my boys are always glad to have me around in real life and have a funny conversation, but when I text them they just shut down conversations within a few texts... I really want to develop meaningful relationships but it's so difficult... It almost feels like I have no friends at all.
     
    noonoon and Kazmi like this.
  2. Karimtolstoi

    Karimtolstoi Fapstronaut

    141
    160
    43
    Don't try to make yourself kind more than necessary. The key to have a lot of friends is to be natural and to have something that interests people, for example a hobby.
     
  3. vulture175

    vulture175 Fapstronaut

    It's the stigma in the society. Nowadays more people open up on internet but not in real life. I feel like today modern life is more disconnected, it's the economic and market age. I used to have a lot of friends, since i got depression, i could hardly talk to my friends "normally", leave alone this pmo addiction. The conversations became very mechanical, less fun and less natural, shallow and not deep, and very disconnecting. That's modern day poverty
     
  4. nelloJ

    nelloJ Fapstronaut

    That's such a shame :(
     
    vibemaker likes this.
  5. @nelloJ I can understand. I feel the same way. It's difficult for me to have deep conversations with guys in school who I would consider school friends because outside of school, we wouldn't have any social compatibility. They keep me around for laughs too but when I want to initiate a deep convo, I'll get shut down. I can relate.
     
    vibemaker and nelloJ like this.
  6. Tonytone

    Tonytone Fapstronaut

    894
    1,417
    123
    Not to sound harsh, but maybe you have the wrong "friends". You sound like a nice, likeable guy. Don't change that, you'll attract what you put out there. I'm a goofball too, and that's a great thing! We need more laughter in this world! Stay positive!
     
  7. Kazmi

    Kazmi Fapstronaut

    182
    173
    43
    Start going to a gym and you will find plenty of friends out there.
     
    nelloJ likes this.
  8. JWwantsalife

    JWwantsalife Fapstronaut

    119
    273
    63
    @nelloJ
    OH MY GOD!! You sound exactly like how I am!! Since a toddler, I've always been that "class clown" who loves to make people laugh, both in class and maybe in gatherings. However, I had the exact same problem with you! I always find it hard to make legit friends but don't get me wrong, throughout my life, there have been those few people who actually are my good friends. However, those friends can only be counted with 1 hand.... Also, just a thing I realised, those good friends are people who have a high tolerance to my shit lol!

    I know it's frustrating! I also believe that this is our character, that we naturally want to make a "fool" of ourselves just to see people laugh. But noticed how I said I had this problem? Don't get me wrong tho, I'm still that clown that I've always been. However, my NoFap reboot taught me SO MUCH. I know the main reason for not getting many friends is because personally for me, I don't take the initiatives to make friends since I'm too lazy to do so. Laziness is a big consequence of porn addiction because we are so used to getting one of nature's best pleasures just by just doing a few clicks. I was too lazy and didn't accept friends' invites to meals, parties, or just don't take the initiatives to know my friends better. That is the bane of my relationship with friends. I have had so many regrets and lost so many friendships just because of my laziness.

    However, right now I finally starting to remove my laziness since I stopped porn and really start to appreciate my friends more. I readily accept any invites and even start to ask my best friend out. YES! A best friend! I finally accepted someone as my best friend. I know you people can easily identify your best friends, but for me, "who is my best friend?" has always been a question I couldn't answer since I was young. But now I can!

    BUT, like I said, I'm still the same as before. My character still hasn't changed. My number of real friends are still pretty little compared to other people. However, now I finally accepted someone as my best friend and now I appreciate my friends more. I feel that this is my success with my friends.

    God bless!
     
    nelloJ likes this.
  9. nelloJ

    nelloJ Fapstronaut

    I can definitely related to that. And that's why it feels so bad. I never thought I'd be so lonely when I'm surrounded by so many people.
    If there's anything I am, it's a massive goofball. I don't think I have the wrong friends. Well, our friend group is quite large and I'd say majority of them are not “wrong friends". I think it's my fault... I've conditioned everybody around me to have one reaction to anything I do - laugh or smile. And I do this by acting like a spastic, and making a fool out of myself, just because I've been so used to feeding off that attention and instant happiness from the moment. It's a great trait to have for making new friends in a new environment like a new school (I've never had difficulty making friends) but in the long run I've basically crippled my potential to be a true friend I guess. I'll never be anything more than the funny guy and it hurts to accept that.
     
    Tonytone likes this.
  10. nelloJ

    nelloJ Fapstronaut

    My goodness. Reading your reply sounds like as though I wrote it. Up until the laziness bit I guess. I take the initiative but it's futile hahaha.

    It's become second nature for me to play the fool and act 10x more stupid than I really am just for the attention I can get from other people. By attention, I'd also like to add that seeing someone smile or laugh because of what I did, always feels great, even if I'm the one they're laughing at.

    At the end of the day though, I'd say we're somewhat different because you're a good person by nature and at heart, but my character has went south somewhere sometime due to not being able to open up my true feelings (that sounded so edgy and lame HAHAHAHA). By that, I mean that because I always put up this joker front, it's become easier for me to judge others, be secretly selfish while putting up the mask, and purposely take advantage of the fact that people think I'm too stupid to do something selfish... Idk how to explain it, but basically I'm not that good of a person on the inside but I want more than anything to rid myself of these negative traits, I truly believe that if I were a truly good person, people would like me more and I'd be able to have close friends.

    Over the years I've had very few close friends that come and go due to being fed up of my shit (and rightfully so). The ones that have stuck are just amazing and are able to accept all bad traits, but it's a shame I can only count them on one or two hands. I haven't recognised or acknowledged a best friend since primary school... I just can't. I'd be too emotionally attached and clingy, and if things were to fail with that person I'd just die internally. I'm very envious of you in this area... Thanks for the encouragement though, I hope that through nofap I can become a better person :)
     
    JWwantsalife likes this.
  11. nelloJ

    nelloJ Fapstronaut

    I feel like gym dudes wouldn't be very accepting of me ahahahha. I'm a twig and a clown, it's an environment I'd feel weakest in.
     
  12. JWwantsalife

    JWwantsalife Fapstronaut

    119
    273
    63
    LOL! You sound just like me again!

    To be very honest, I'm also a person who really cannot open up my feeling anyone at all. Not even my parents! But I choose to express them, but even so it's pretty hard for me to express my feelings to people. And I must say, I'm also a very selfish person. I kinda hate it when people use my things but of course if they need help I would give it to them. But something I realised, is that whenever someone borrows something from me, I would lend it but I would constantly check the item "status". I just hate it when people mess around with my stuff. Also, I find it really easy to judge people too!

    But the part about taking advantage of people seeing you as stupid to do something selfish doesn't really hold for me. Mainly it's because my real friends know I'm not dumb, in fact they know I can kind of think well and deeply so it's pretty rare that people think I'm too dumb for anything. But that may be the case for new people who've just known me.

    I'm really not a very good person, I just have a soft spot for people who deserve help but I can't seem to offer them any help at all... And also we all know that our jokes making can bring us some trouble time to time with teachers, but hardly with friends. But I always tend to avoid teachers' scoldings since mainly cuz I think getting scolded is a waste of time.

    What I think we can all take away from this, is that our NoFap reboot can let us find our own weaknesses and how to work on them. Being very honest, I still need to work on my initiatives since as of now, I can only have the initiatives to ask my best friend out. And luckily for me, he hardly rejects me. But I've yet tasted rejection, especially from a girl, something that I always feared about.

    Good luck out there m8!


    p.s is your profile picture jimin? I'm an army you know!!
     
    nelloJ likes this.
  13. nelloJ

    nelloJ Fapstronaut

    “I'm really not a very good person, I just have a soft spot for people who deserve help but I can't seem to offer them any help at all”. This. This hits home so much. As someone who's been a victim of bullying (not severe bullying don't u worry), I have a soft spot for people who are struggling. Not necessarily other bully victims but just people who are having a hard time. And there's nothing I want more than to be the person who can pull them out of the pit they're in... But unfortunately that's just not the role God wants me to play I guess... Or at least not for now.

    About the taking advantage of others, it's probably one of the things I hate it most about myself. All this playing stupid and pretending to be dense and stupid has got me into this situation where I can get out of tough situations through the easy way out doing what I do best - playing dumb.

    The closest thing I ever had to a best friend... I screwed our friendship by lying to him and trying to hide all the bad parts of me from him. When he finally found out about all my lies, and my bad character, he was so disgusted and straight up told me... I was broken for that next 2 weeks. At school I had no trouble putting on masks, but during free periods or I'd go sit in a corner and just cry it all out. That kind of rejection was 100x more painful than any rejection I've ever experienced from a girl. I think it's because I had actually invested so much into this friendship but I screwed it up when I had no reason to. Anyways sorry for the depressing rant, a month after our quarrel he messaged me and we became friends again. We're still close but, I believe he won't trust me with anything important for a long time.

    OMG AJDIOWKFJDKSKKDJDJSO YOU'RE AN ARMY. Dude I swear we're the only kpop fans in the entire nofap forums. I usually reply to each paragraph before moving to the next one, so reading this last got me so excited. And yes it is jimin!!! He's my bias, and his singing in the comeback trailer yesterday cleansed me of all my stress hahaha... As you can tell I'm pretty obsessed with bangtan. I find it even more surprising that we're guys . I'm the only dude who follows kpop at my school, and it's so embarrassing and awkward every time my friends bring it up and roast me for it hahahaha. If we carry on our kpop talk it should probably be via inbox, don't wanna annoy others with this hahaha
     
  14. Tonytone

    Tonytone Fapstronaut

    894
    1,417
    123
    I'm
    I'm sure you have a heart of gold! It's a beautiful thing to be able to make people laugh! You'll find someone, Brother, this isn't a race. Make you happy first and foremost. I apologize for the "wrong friends" remark, I'm sure your friends are awesome. What I was trying to say is that if they like you ONLY because your goofy; that's not a friend. You've got so much more to offer than being a goofball.
     
    silenteagle and nelloJ like this.
  15. nelloJ

    nelloJ Fapstronaut

    Ahahahha thanks man, I really appreciate it, that's good advice man
     
  16. silenteagle

    silenteagle Fapstronaut

    169
    193
    43
    I agree with @Tonytone. You're a great guy,but seem to have a low self-esteem. Try to find a group of people who really care for you and respect you for what you are are.
     
    nelloJ likes this.
  17. Jka123

    Jka123 Fapstronaut

    23
    23
    3
    May I suggest stepping away from being a class clown a bit. There's nothing wrong with being funny or anything but if you want close you need to be serious sometimes, if all you do is joke and are never serious with anyone they don't really know you. That doesn't necessarily mean be the nice guy either just let your guard down be vulnerable speak your mind a bit have a serious conversation about something allow yourself to disagree with people and let people help you, people love feeling needed, but if you're never vulnerable if you are never genuine and always silly then people won't feel like you need them, they won't know you very deeply and they won't take the friendship seriously
     
    Tonytone likes this.
  18. nelloJ

    nelloJ Fapstronaut

    I've told myself that too many times :'). For some reason though, it's just become ingrained into me...trying to make people laugh has almost become like breathing. It just feels weird, if I don't play my role...what is my role?
     
  19. Plutonium

    Plutonium Fapstronaut

    263
    400
    63
    @nelloJ

    Just a couple of points - you don't need more than 2 or 3 good friends. Friends are about quality over quantity. You can build upon a strong foundation of 2-3 good friends.

    And there's nothing wrong with being the class clown. If that's the role you find natural for now enjoy it! It brings pleasure to everyone else, even if they act annoyed at times. Every class needs a good clown. School is boring enough as it is. There's plenty of time for maturity as you get older and your self-identify and role changes naturally, rather than forcing it.

    If you try to force your role to change, then you have already asked the right question - what new role to construct for yourself? That's not an easy question to answer. And even if you could I'm not sure it's in our power to change our own personality.

    Be good at who you are - if for now that's class clown then try to be the best class clown you can be. And invest time and effort with your friends to deepen the friendship. Don't waste your time trying to re-engineer yourself to be someone you're not.

    Just my honest advice. But to warn you - I'm not an Oracle, so everything I've just said could be wrong. Caveat emptor... :)
     
    nelloJ likes this.
  20. nelloJ

    nelloJ Fapstronaut

    I've definitely thought of that too. But the problem is that I just feel a bit lonely... I'm more needy or clingy than the average dude hahaha. Well one way or another, I'll find a way to fill this emptiness I guess.
     

Share This Page