Trying to decide whether to stay or go...

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Jaguar42, Nov 19, 2019.

  1. Jaguar42

    Jaguar42 Fapstronaut

    My SO and I have been together in a relationship two separate times and i left him the first time after 10 mos. because I got a phone call from a ladies husband about my bf having an online relationship with his wife.

    Almost 2 years later we got back together and I recently discovered he texted two sex workers while we were in the city (I had taken my kid to a concert).

    He's never had an o from sex and can only complete on me with help from porn. I can't touch him while he's trying to ejaculate. We did this for the last 9 months of our being together again. He has a tbi so I assumed this was just part of who he is and tried to accept it. Until i discovered the texts he'd sent trying to solicit sex. It then dawned on me, and through conversation with him that he might have DE brought on from years of consistent death grip, porn induced orgasms, and maybe that was why he seemed less interested in sex than me on a consistent basis. I almost always had to initiate and he couldn't keep an erection for very long.

    We have a great relationship outside of the sexual issues and betrayal and i do love him very much. He said he's stopped but he's still doing shady things, like sneaking out to his comp after i go to bed, and has a new, he thinks secret, email. Having read what I have I realize the pain and anger and anxiety might be something I'll have to deal with for years and I just don't know if I can. The recent betrayal brought up ptsd from a fucked up childhood and I already suffer from anxiety and seasonal depression.

    I love him but he only moved in a few months ago and maybe it is better for me and my kid if i cut and run. i guess I need hope? For others to weigh in with their experiences? I was so happy to find this forum because dealing with this has been so overwhelming. I'm driving myself crazy. Panic attacks. Can't sleep. I want to help him but I don't know what I can do if he doesn't really want to quit or seek out help. All the changes that have happened so far were initiated by me.
  2. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    I am so sorry to read your story. If you don't want complete, open, honest feedback about this then just skip my post. I am known to be blunt AF and not "rosy and rainbows" about PA.

    I can only tell you if my bf was contacting prostitutes and random hook ups I would be done. That is something that can affect your personal health if he gets with a hooker or other women that have STD's!! And because he is a liar and has proven time over time that he cannot be trusted, if he says he used a condom would you believe him? Sex addiction/porn addiction is more important to addicts than relationships, health, reputation, etc.

    This may be a sensitive subject, but why did you decided to get back with this dude after your first failure of a relationship with him? Did he say he changed? Were you in a desperate situation and needed his financial help? He cheated on you and the woman's husband called you, right? And he had ED and trouble getting to orgasm during that first relationship with you too? What does he do for you that makes up for all of that and is it really worth it? Do you think you could easily find those good qualities in another man that doesn't betray you? My point is, you don't have to settle. You are worth more than that!

    Porn addiction, PIED/ED, lying, and cheating doesn't go away when the man isn't willing to change. (Nor does it change by the SO's leading/guiding.) When the SO leads/guides the PA and sets up therapy appts and checks up on him to see if his computer history is clean, etc. it never works. It makes the PA more manipulating, sneaky, and clever about hiding his addiction. Only he can fix this by getting to the root of the issue that is causing him to be an addict. That is hard work on his part! He has to be willing and wanting to get rid of porn. Do you think he would go to a therapist weekly, get a porn filter on all electronics, give you control of finances, talk with an accountability partner, read books, listen to podcasts, start replacing bad habits with good ones, and tell you his whereabouts? Would you want all of that responsibility even?

    If you are wanting to stay with him just know you will be in this for life. PA never is "cured". It is sobriety that must be maintained via accountability. Do you want to spend many, many more years of your life dealing with his issues? Do you want to put your child at risk of catching him jerking off or finding porn on his computer or phone? This addiction causes men to do stupid, reckless things like masturbating in the bathroom without locking the door or spending all their money on hookers instead of rent! Honestly, PA isn't a picnic and it is emotionally exhausting. So many of the SO's here on NoFap are tied via marriage and children--up to 40 years worth of this crap--and if it wasn't so complex they would cut and run.

    What is "tbi" mean?
  3. Traumatic brain injury.
    fadedfidelity and Jaguar42 like this.
  4. I am sorry you have to deal with this. It is not what you signed up for, even though you weren't completely blind going in the second time. As to your love for him, it is based on a complete set of lies. You have no idea who he really is a what your reality with him has been.
    As an addict, I will say that before I got sober, I didn't know how to tell the truth if I wanted to, and wouldn't if I could have because it was way too scary. It took me 5 years to work up to a full disclosure and I even lied in that! Came clean because of a polygraph and an incredible wife I do not deserve. I'm still learning how to tell the truth and that will continue until I'm in the ground.

    You are in love with what you want to believe about this guy and his potential but the reality is very different than what he has led you to believe. Maybe he will change? It's a very long and painful road.
    I wish for you wisdom in your decision.
  5. Jaguar42

    Jaguar42 Fapstronaut

    All very valid fears I've been thinking about, fadedfidelity. Thank you for your insights.

    I decided to give it another shot because he's really good for me in many other ways. It's easy to be happy when he's around. I am waking up to the realization of this commitment, though. I know addicts. My family's riddled with them. I get that it's a lifelong commitment. I definitely don't want to be anybody's babysitter, though.

    He's made appointments and I'm cautiously giving this one more try but I'm not banking on it. I've got money saved and if need be can move him out whenever it becomes necessary.
    fadedfidelity and hope4healing like this.
  6. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    Lol! The polygraph is one thing that saved my marriage and really taught me to trust my gut. It never ceases to amaze me that an so will “ believe” the person who has continually lied to them! Knowing I can spring a polygraph and will, helps my husband be honest and just makes me feel safer! It helps that we can afford that. He refuses to take one then he knows where the door is.
  7. Jaguar42

    Jaguar42 Fapstronaut

    Accountability is going to be key moving forward. He's doing his first reboot (at age 30) now.
    I have access to all his stuff since the discovery a couple weeks ago. It helps but I'm no fool. I know he can easily do things to cover his tracks. It really is up to him to toe the line for himself. He can't just be doing it for us.

    I'm grateful to everyone on this thread. Having no idea what PA was until 2 weeks ago means I really did not understand it. I do understand betrayal however. Broken people do harmful things to those they love.
  8. Demodectic

    Demodectic Fapstronaut

    I say give him 1 more chance but tell him "ITS YOUR LAST CHANCE>>>>" That is he falls from grace 1 more time it is OVER.

    Like that Jet song "Last Chance Honey....This is your LAST CHANCE"

  9. Ultimatums like that too soon in the process are a sure recipe for failure.
    The path to recovery from sex addiction takes years of hard work. learning through failures along the way is part of that hard work and also has to be part of the commitment of the SO who is signing up for the journey.
    There are no amount of consequences or ultimatums that will change an addict's behavior. Learning how to be honest and engage in meaningful relationships, along with unpacking some of the root causes of the addictive behavior and learning healthy alternatives is the journey that anyone seeking lasting change needs to embark on. The challenge is we have years and often decades of history learning and practicing destructive behavior. Though it doesn't happen as quickly as we wish it would, change can happen, and there is hope for those in the middle of the storm.
  10. Jaguar42

    Jaguar42 Fapstronaut

    My feeling on the matter is that as long as he's actively working on it I'm going to be here to support him. For me that means therapy, good self awareness, and expressing himself when he's feeling triggered or stressed or having negative feelings. Suppressing icky emotions is a big part of this for him and the root runs deep into childhood (as most issues are for most people).

    That being said, I love my kid and myself too much to allow harm to come to us. Even if I love him. I'm taking this a day at a time and contemplating all these insights, as well as my intuition. Knowing that the places where I've been broken have often become my strengths after I've processed them, learned from them.
  11. You’re in the right place to get insight.
    I would tell you, you can support your man and live separate from him.

    in fact I’d advise that—because it will help; you can both develop guidelines for your relationship without sacrificing your home life.

    love doesn’t have to mean live together. He’s young though and all of this can be reversed, not as a cure, think of it as antibodies against the live strain.

    Sex addiction means he uses sex to deal with life. Sex is not about connection But rather escape. It’s not the same as porn addiction but they can happen to the same person.

    Hang in there sister,
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2019
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