Trying to exit the train of sorrow

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by NU-LIFE, Dec 14, 2014.

  1. NU-LIFE

    NU-LIFE Fapstronaut

    I'm on a bad, bad train friends. A horrible path, an unfortunate existence. I am SO severely addicted to porn that if I can't stop I will be doomed to a life of loneliness. After watching porn I'm so content with just hanging out by myself. I have no ambition to meet new people. Why is it that I know so definitively in my brain and in my heart what I have to do, but yet I just can't do it. It's so unbelievably frustrating.

    I found out about my addiction and what PIED is about a month ago. I was shocked and horrified at what I'd been doing to my brain and body. I studied the addiction hard, set goals for myself, stopped pmo, and started trying to live healthier. I hit the ground running with a streak of 17 days. I was happy with it and could already feel my brain chemistry changing. Although I new I was far from being cured it was a glimpse of hope, the "light at the end of the tunnel" if you will.

    After that first relapse I've had such a hard time gaining any traction again. Relapsing every day or two. I think I may have made it four days once. I also have been picking up one of my old addictions that I kicked years ago, but that's a different story for a different day.

    I was making such progress. I was knocking off the goals I had set to be done by the end of December then everything came to a screeching halt. It all funneled to one horrible day yesterday. I relapsed the hardest I have ever. A complete rock bottom. I think I pmo'd 5 times yesterday. Absolutely disgusting, not to mention unhealthy. I came across a whole bunch of clips and that was that. Today I feel indescribable. Like less of a man. Completely drained. Not just of fluids, but of spirit as well.

    I have given back all progress that I once made. All growth in my brain has shrunk back to the diminutive thoughts of before. I have a small brain at this point and I must start over. I've taken all my counters down and I'm leaving the nofap community to start by myself again. I must read all the facts and relearn everything about this addiction. I feel that I started to overuse this website. I've almost traded pmo for this site. I will start this reboot again. Back to square 1. I hope that I can gain traction and come back here some day

    Everybody here is so great and I wish you all the best in your fight. I hope that there is a day I can return and healthily post without it becoming somewhat of an addiction. Until that day I say farewell friends. I hope you get what you need from life.

  2. FastingPrayerSleep

    FastingPrayerSleep Fapstronaut

    Well as you must already know, celibacy or chastity do not eliminate sorrow from human life.

    I cried just today while visiting a cemetery after a military drill.

    I cried hard upon the thought of being asked to kill other people. Possibly some good willed and disciplined men I'd respect deeply, who just lacked enough strong peers and tech to defeat us.

    I want to try to go to a funeral at least once a week.

    We in the west are too ignorant of death for our own good.
  3. TotalLifeChange

    TotalLifeChange Fapstronaut

    Hey Nu-Life2014,

    you're in a very negative vibe. I understand why because I've felt the same when I've relapsed.

    This f*ing addiction is serious and we have to get rid of it. What just happened to you is relatively normal, so reframe it as a minor roadblock from which you learn so it never happens again. Being angry or depressed is a higher consciousness level than not giving a crap.

    But you seriously have to get out of the negative mood you're in.

    I highly encourage you to watch the video (from start to end) in my signature.

    I hope it helps.
  4. anthrope

    anthrope Fapstronaut

    If addiction has a million ways to hook you, you contain a billion different creative solutions within you, my friend.

    If you're at a state where nothing works, and PMO is such a severe problem that there's appears to be no way out, I have a suggestion that has worked for me when in such a state. It is very counter intuitive, but it will work. Give it a shot.

    Just give up. Completely surrender yourself to your current situation, and know that the universe will have its way with you, and that you're not in the driver's seat anymore. PMO is no longer your issue. It is simply a current of the universe, and you're simply seeing it happen.

    So, now, you don't have to beat your PMO addiction. Imagine that. You no longer bear this huge cross of anything being wrong with you. You go ahead and do what you do each day. You don't try to change yourself. It's okay to be mentally and physically weak. It's all okay. You simply stop resisting your current state.

    Now, right after your next PMO session, a sensation of shame and feeling depressed will follow. You won't feel like facing it, but you will be okay looking for a distraction. Your training now, is to simply focus on one thing you want to pursue and learn about that is non PMO related. A great movie will do. A game that you're interested in will do. Any little piece that simply helps you escape higher.

    This is the key. The intense despair and shame that follow your PMO session hold great power in forming habits. When you're in that state, if, even for a short period, you can escape into something less detrimental than PMO, you'll start forming a new habit that will eventually lead you up, and return you to great strength.

    So, the steps of this 'using your shame' method are:
    Stop trying to fight PMO addiction
    Right after your PMO session, you will feel intense shame and despair
    It is difficult to face the shame just then, so find one mode of escape that is non PMO (example: a great action movie; a great NBA game; one of those crazy conspiracy theory documentaries)
    Do this after each PMO session

    As you continue to do this, your primary means of escape from shame and despair will be your non PMO route, if you do this for a few weeks only. Then you'll find it easier to escape into, since PMO itself is a means of escape from facing yourself.

    These non PMO escape routes won't drain you as much, and you will start regaining your strength. Then you can take more massive action.

    Remember, though, if you start to feel confident about your challenge at any point, you should absolutely exercise your will and do the highest, most inspiring thing that you want to. My suggestion above is only for those times when you're absolutely lost and without hope and strength.

    PS: Didn't you have a different thread? I'd suggest sticking to posting in one primary thread of your own, so it's easier to track your posts. Just a thought.
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2014
  5. TMJOhn

    TMJOhn Fapstronaut

    stay strong man, I can strongly relate to what your going through
    try to keep your head up and handle it bro - all the best

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