trying to figure it out

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by pjam, Jun 27, 2018.

  1. pjam

    pjam Fapstronaut

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    Hey everyone,
    I'm in my mid-30s and married to a beautiful woman. I've recently been having trouble getting/staying erect and it's causing me and my wife serious problems. I basically am "not in the mood." Obviously, something isn't right. I would rather view porn and masturbate than have sex. That's fucked up. The thing is, my porn usage hasn't escalated or changed for many years. Basically, I masturbate a few times a week and my wife and I have sex 1-2x/week on average. I would masturbate daily or maybe 2x daily when I'm totally alone. I think the novelty of the girls I can view on the internet is alluring. I have always been a novelty seeker and was extremely promiscuous prior to meeting my wife. I'm sure it's all related and I'm trying to figure it out. I want to give this a try, because ultimately having a good life/happy marriage is worth it.
     
  2. EricKungFooled

    EricKungFooled Fapstronaut

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    What you are going through sounds very familiar to my situation about 1-2 years before my marriage deteriorated. I went from having sex 3-4 times a week to 1 time a week and eventually to very rarely. My tastes in porn didn't really change nor did the frequency, however the novelty of new girls was the main thing for me. The primitive brain doesn't see a difference between the girls on screen and real-life so it rewards dopamine and eventually on screen pixels and instant gratification become more important to your brain.

    At first I rationalized porn usage to being easier than initiating sex with my wife. As I continued to use porn my ED became a lot more problematic, at first it was only delayed 10 minutes, to only being to finish a certain way (usually oral) to the point where it became a chore for her and she would just give up frustrated despite the fact that she finished, not being able to finish really affected her self-esteem and eventually drove her to another person.

    I'm was in my mid-30's with a beautiful women 7 years younger than me. Now I'm divorced barely able to see my kids except every other weekend.

    You are at a cross roads my friend, the ED is a major red flag of porn usage that I wish I realized before it was too late.
     
  3. pjam

    pjam Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for sharing. Your story sounds very familiar and is helpful to hear. I, too, was using porn/masturbation to fill my sexual urges as a way of meeting my needs without the "inconvenience" of initiating with my wife. We were having difficulties in other aspects of our marriage, and that was one more way to avoid dealing with the underlying issues. Now, the foundation of our marriage is better and we are communicating and getting along, however our sex life hasn't kept pace and the ED only recently became a problem.
     
  4. Hi. Welcome to forum!

    Make sure you create a personal journal thread in Reboot Logs section and blog there on a regular basis. As well as just generally be active participant in various forum discussions. I recommend this to everybody new here because it's the major thing that helped me when I was first starting. Just lurking on forums, reading and learning is great. But it usually is so much more powerful to engage. It helps to keep us motivated and accountable when we are active part of community. And keeps this in front of our minds so we don't forget about importance of it and slip away in our old habits. Sharing is also therapeutic. This is a major reason why AA meetings work so good. But that was developed before internet era. These days we can get most of the same benefits online through communities like this. So don't underestimate the power of active participation.

    I would also like to suggest you to look into mindfulness meditation. It has helped me personally tremendously to learn how to deal with urges and triggers. It takes a while to get good at it and notice results, so you need to be consistent with it, but once you do it's very powerful. It has been used by sages for thousands of years to deal with various issues of the mind. And in recent decades the science is also catching up to what ancient sages have know for centuries. Meditation these days are widely used as very effective tool by psychologists for treating addiction and by neurologists for supporting recovery of the brain after physical injury. Plus it is generally a great exercise for the brain the same way as jogging is great exercise for the body.

    You gotta make sure it is proper mindfulness meditation though. "Mindfulness" meditation where we just focus on breath is more like a concentration meditation instead. It works too but differently and not as powerfully in my experience. Real mindfulness meditation however trains you to accept your urges by understanding the nature of them by observing them, not just suppress them by concentrating on something else instead. It makes you comfortable with them. And once you accept and become comfortable with them there is no need to get rid of them, so there is no need to PMO. Only reason why we PMO is because that urge, that itch in our crotch is uncomfortable, we wanna get rid of it. And then after PMO we have our release. Or we simply want pleasure. And inability to have that pleasure makes us uncomfortable. But if we accept that we can not have pleasure then resistance is gone and there is no reason to PMO.

    Acceptance and mindfulness is the key. Check out this Ted talk on acceptance and mindfulness practice, it gives a good idea of what's it's about when it comes to philosophy. The mindfulness practice as described by psychologist in a the video can be used by itself but ideally should be used as supplementation to your daily sitting meditation. Sitting meditation I personally practice and recommend to people is as explained by meditation expert in this YouTube playlist. If you don't like the monk or want other method there is this awesome smartphone app called Headspace for guided meditations.

    Wish you lot's of strength and success in your reboot journey!
     
  5. pjam

    pjam Fapstronaut

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    Thanks, man! That's funny because I just started meditating about 5 days ago. I have found that it helps me. I've been doing it every morning and exercising and things are good so far. I will check out that video. Thank you for your insights.
     
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  6. EricKungFooled

    EricKungFooled Fapstronaut

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    Yes. Mediation is a game changer, when I do it I can hear the negative thoughts in my head that are usually damped by real life. Then I focus on those thoughts and reaffirm positive thoughts instead it really helps boost my mood and self-esteem.
     
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