Trying to gain back my SOs trust

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Acky31, Mar 30, 2018.

  1. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 242.

    Yesterday evening we cooked and I did some more work on my portfolio, but Tan has been really tired recently so we had an early night.

    Last night we attempted for the first time, to get our eldest daughter to sleep without a nappy on. I don't think it went too badly, as she only had one accident, but she wasn't very happy about the whole thing...

    Today has gone by well so far, I had a nice goodbye kiss and cuddle from Tan and the kids which always sets my day off well, and makes my day feel more positive.

    Tonight my dad is round for food, so we will be entertaining him for the evening, and hopefully we will get a good night from the eldest.
     
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  2. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 243.

    Last night was good. My dad came to ours for food (which was great, courtesy of @Tan3110 :D).

    We spent the evening talking and discussing different things, but probably ended up going to bed later than we should have, as the youngest awoke earlier than usual before going back to sleep leaving us knackered for the day.

    Not to worry, we are celebrating Tans birthday this weekend. Tonight we are having a drink and food together with our dads and some others. Tomorrow we are going to see a film, and grab some food. On Saturday we are out to a "black tie" dinner, and on Sunday Tan is going down to visit some of her university friends for a Christmas meal. So a busy weekend lined up for us!
     
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  3. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 245.

    The past couple of days have been great. Thursday evening we visited a small private museum (more a house filled with various collections of items) and we had a drink, some food and played games.

    Yesterday was Tans birthday and we had an appointment with a financial advisor with regards to funding our house renovations, and we spent the evening at the cinema and eating Chinese food.

    Today we have been grocery shopping and will be going out to a black tie dinner this evening.

    Currently I'm watching Beauty and the Beast with the eldest, I love spending time with her!
     
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  4. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 247.

    Well, the weekend has caught up with us now, and reality brought us crashing down. Neither of us particularly wanted to get out of bed yesterday morning, but work was calling and the kids were to get ready for nursery etc.

    This weekend has been great, and although tiring, has been nice to go out with Tan again, as well as spend some quality time with the kids.

    Sunday was good, and was a bit of a first since d-day where Tan went out of town without me to visit friends leaving me at home. I did take the kids out with my dad and gran for Sunday lunch later on though, but it went well.

    Tan was working thr late shift yesterday evening, and I messed up. I had promised to keep her regularly updated on how I was doing, however I had left long periods of time between some of the messages I sent, which understandably triggered her, and caused an argument when she got in.

    I think some of my problem is that I get a little complacent in my efforts when I feel like life is going good between us. I don't mean that I start to slip, but I maybe stop writing on here every day, or like last night, I don't send updates to Tan as regularly etc which results in things not being as good between us again. I need to take a look at myself in this moment, and realise that this is what keeps happening when complacency creeps in because I think it's testing Tans patience.
     
  5. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 248.

    Last night was okay, the kids go swimming on a Tuesday afternoon, so when I get in we bath them and Tan showers, then we sort the kids for bed before cooking and finally relaxing.

    We spent some of the evening discussing house plans, and funding for it, which is a bit of an issue at the moment.

    This morning was good, and our eldest had another dry night! She is drier at night than during the day... hopefully she will get better at it.

    Today so far has been busy and a bit chaotic at work, but we are plodding through okay. Tan has gone Christmas shopping today with her mam so hopefully won't be too stressed out tonight...
     
  6. clarity&me

    clarity&me Fapstronaut

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    It's easy to say that when looking in the mirror but what about being the mirror. Not so easy. Haven't given up when the SO is insinuating that things will not change and the SO behaviors do not change. I can say that I have put forth the effort but it has not been reciprocated. When I find out that recently thetSO he indulged in satisfing his personal needs by sacrificing honesty and trust and lied about his wrongdoing.....got caught in the lie and still lies to cover and deflect the true meaning of Trust!
     
  7. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Easy to say?
    Of course words are easy...
    And time is expensive.
    And talk is cheap.
    Actions will always speak louder.
    I know exactly of what I speak and I know of the pain I talk about.
    I have been watching my SO reboot for 3 years and lie to me for 2.
    So...yes...this is difficult.
    It fuckin sucks alot of the time.
    And no, you can't help the spouse who doesn't want the help.
    You can only help yourself.
    It will wear you down.
    It sounds like you are being gaslit....
    That will make you feel crazy.
    I'm so sorry you are going through that.
     
  8. clarity&me

    clarity&me Fapstronaut

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    This sucks very much especially when you know something brought us together so long ago and it feels that one has grown whole the other is lacking growth and maturity. I am exhausted.
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  9. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Hugs!
     
  10. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 250.

    Yesterday ended up being stressful at work, but the evening with Tan and the kids was pretty stress free thankfully, and food was an oven pizza, so we had a bit more time to chill than usual.

    Today has so far been even more stressful at work, as every thing I do feels like it's getting picked at by my colleague. I fear I may say something back that I regret soon.

    Yesterday the eldest wet herself several times, and wet herself again overnight, so apparently I should have refrained from mentioning anything about it yesterday...

    My dad is over again tonight, and we are cooking a stew which will be nice. I look forward to work finishing this evening as well, just to get back home!
     
  11. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 251.

    Well, I made it to Friday! And it's a busy one again. Fortunately not as stressful though.

    This weekend Tan is working late shifts, so I will have to try to keep her updated on what I'm up to. Tomorrow my in laws are coming round to help with some work on the house, which will keep me busy most of the day, and chances are they will stay for food on the evening.

    Sunday we only have plans of Sunday dinner, though I'm sure the kids will keep me from being bored!

    Last night was pretty good, we cooked beef and ale stew for my dad, and I'm now eating some leftovers for my lunch. We talked about Christmas and stuff as well as the house and other stuff.

    I'm kinda looking forward to Christmas at the same time as not this year, hopefully I can focus plenty on the happy stuff rather than the sad.
     
  12. clarity&me

    clarity&me Fapstronaut

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    So it happened again SO went out and got drunk, although the promise of no drinking has been made several times, and was furious and angry. Woke me and my kid because he HAD to say what was on his kind because drinking gives courage. I was demeaned and berated to the point that my kid was so upset that he wants to cause harm. How is it that someone can say "I love u" all the time and then act in this manner. I prefer that someone show me live and not have to say the words all the time. What do you prefer someone to tell you " I love you" or someone who shows you?
     
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  13. clarity&me

    clarity&me Fapstronaut

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  14. Don9087

    Don9087 Fapstronaut

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    I am a husband who is once again working on recovering my Wife's trust and trust in myself. I have slipped many times for 5years and honestly I have never met or known a person as sweet and understanding and compassionate as my Wife. She's my accountability partner and my best friend. I slipped days before our Thanksgiving. It wasn't an actual P site but a shopping site I'd use due to the P prevention protocols we installed. We are at the point where there is no energy left to keep dealing with these issues. I'll be the first to say its my fault. It's been taking a huge toll on our love and trust there is just little thread to give. Obviously I'm always up to restart my therapy and do what I must, however I cannot say the same for my Love. My Wife. She has gone through too much already. I am so fearful to lose her. Even still I keep messing up. Not as often as I used to though nowadays I've slipped after months or a few weeks later. We try to keep a transparent NO secrets type of relationship. There are no passcodes to anything electronic. We speak what we feel and what we think. Unbiastly of course. This in fact has been the most help. I hope this small forum helps a fellow. Thank you guys.
     
  15. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Just out of curiosity, what "tools" do you use?

    And do you always tell her when you slip? As I think that that is one of the best ways to kerb your slipping if it is still so difficult for you.
     
  16. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 254.

    This weekend has been productive. With the help of my father-in-law, we spent all of Saturday pulling down the front of our garage in preparation for pouring foundations for the new garage to go up. We were working in the cold and rain and we were exhausted by the end, but I love it, and it feels like we have made some progress now.

    Sunday we went grocery shopping on the morning before Tan went to work, and I took the kids to Sunday dinner at the in-laws, and then on to my dad's for a cuppa.

    I think that Tans late shifts went okay for us, and I reasonably kept her triggers low, and last night was okay together.

    I feel pretty positive about the next few weeks.
     
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  17. inutterclarity

    inutterclarity Fapstronaut

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    I just read through the entire thread.

    First of all, @Acky31 congratulations! What persistence, dedication, self discipline, level of self-reflection you show. That is absolutely amazing and you should be hugely proud of yourself.

    But I must say that I was very disturbed reading through this. It feels to me that this relationship is not well and porn is not the issue.

    Some things that stood out to me:
    • It seems you will never be able to earn her trust. You made it for 250+ days and that is still not enough! What else is needed?
    • She is in a constantly bad mood and puts the blame fully on you / your past porn usage.
    • She is micromanaging you, tracking you in detail and telling you what to do.
    Let's look at some examples:
    I'm totally do not understand why this would upset her. Some friends invite you out. Fantastic! If she feels anxious about this and gets upset with you, that seems to be her insecurity nothing else. You certainly did nothing wrong there.

    It almost sounds like some kind of submissive relationship, except neither party seems to enjoy it.

    Or another thing:
    So first of all: You are a man. It's completely natural for men to be attracted to all kinds of women. That's simply a fact of biology. Of course, it doesn't mean we have to go around sleeping with / dating / etc lots of women. But her blaming you for briefly getting attracted to some woman is very dysfunctional. Those are her own issues and insecurities and she is making you feel guilty about it.

    And what a lose-lose situation for you:
    - Some flicker of attraction occurs, you don't act on it. You tell her. She gets upset with you and blames you.
    - Same thing, but you don't tell her. Now, you feel guilty for being 'dishonest'

    You don't message her for a few hours and she gets angry at you? It seems you are being controlled completely. If that's what you want great, but it doesn't sound like it to me.

    My impression is that in this relationship, you will never be good enough. You can succeed at NoFap for 10 years and win a noble prize and it won't suffice.
     
  18. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Hey @inutterclarity, thanks for taking the time to read through my journal so far, I appreciate you looking through and giving feedback.

    I must put back to you first of all, that from this thread, you are only seeing my side of the story. No matter how impartial I try and write on here, it will never fully reflect how Tan feels in each situation, so please try not to pass judgement simply based on what you have read here.

    Just because I have gone 250+ days without watching porn or masturbating, doesn't mean that I will have gained any trust back. You have to bare in mind that I have lied to her throughout our 10 year relationship, so it is bound to take more than that to gain even a shred of the trust I once had back.

    She is certainly not in a bad mood all of the time. Naturally there are times when we have had an argument and her mood is poor, as is mine, but between these, we still have plenty of good days. Sometimes this results in me becoming complacent in my commitments to recovery and causing problems, but I believe we have more good days than bad at the moment.

    I don't think that is true, we do have accountability software that we both agreed to use, as without it, there would be no hope for us. In the future there may be hope that it won't be needed, but for now it is. I think that this is one of the ways we can regain trust in the relationship, so I'm happy with it.

    I have been out since dday, but at that time i had received quite a few invites out which would mean that Tan would have needed to just stay home with our kids. Additionally I have admitted to Tan that I came close to cheating while on a night out, increasing her anxieties around this.

    Ogling was an issue of mine, alongside my porn use, and was a trigger of mine. I think that telling her of the avoids i have made, keeps me accountable and makes me more likely to think twice about ogling. That doesn't mean Tan will feel happy about all of the times I've been tempted to check someone out, but if it keeps me on track, and helps her to be more trusting, then I'm going to continue.

    I still hold a lot of hope for our future together, but I need to stay consistent for that.
     
  19. There is a big difference between micro honesty and healthy honesty. It's a matter of what to say and what not to say. Any man is probably going to be visually attracted to 10-30 women in a given day. He does not and should not need to tell his wife about every single instance of this, or any of it. I don't know if that's what is being discussed here but I want to bring it up because in the beginning I thought it was "honest" to tell my wife about the intimate and intricate details of types of clothes women wore that day that attracted me. She flat out told me to never say that again. It was almost like I was talking to her like a guy with "locker room talk": usually inappropriate inside and outside the locker room.

    Every couple has to figure out where that line is, but a good question to start with: "Is this helpful?" (to you or to her!). I've read about women living in terror of any and every sexual thought that may or may not pop into their SO's head during the day. For the man, the thought may last 1 second and is gone forever. But for his spouse, she could spend the next month fuming in agony over it. In the end, it tears her apart and may actually prolong the thought in the man's head! The attractive woman I saw in the grocery store is long gone from my memory. But bringing it up again in detail to my wife, or anyone, already brings it back and more deeply imprints the thought in my mind. It's good enough to see an attractive woman, pray for her and her spouse, then move on with your life. Porn has already negatively affected our brain; no need to make it worse!

    Most people probably know this but just wanted to bring up a big mistake from my past in hopes of helping others learn!
     
  20. inutterclarity

    inutterclarity Fapstronaut

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    Thanks @Acky31 for taking my points on so well and responding so thoughtfully. Of course, you are totally right that I came to my opinions based on very limited information, which obviously didn't include her side.

    I'm glad that you're hopeful about the future of the relationship and I'll be rooting for you!

    @darknight You're certainly right that telling your partner about other women you briefly were attracted to makes no sense. Your wife's reaction was perfectly normal there.

    But the reaction you describe here is far from normal / healthy:
    A woman who reacts like this has serious issues that would take deep and focused work to resolve.
     

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