Trying to gain back my SOs trust

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Acky31, Mar 30, 2018.

  1. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I’m to assume the women were betrayed and are suffering from betrayal trauma , a byproduct of years of lies and PA/SA , which obviously would stem from fear of the partner acting out again . That’s like me saying any man that becomes a porn addict has SERIOUS ISSUES . That’s not always the case . I suggest reading up on Betrayal Trauma to fully understand, just as most SO here have researched to no end what exactly is porn addiction is .
     
  2. clarity&me

    clarity&me Fapstronaut

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    It may be the friends that she may have a problem with. There are a few of my SO friends that get him in trouble, literally. So yes it is a problem and I would suggest avoiding a guys night out if they are like that. My SO gets drunk with one of his friends and then comes home to instigate arguments. Avoi
     
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  3. clarity&me

    clarity&me Fapstronaut

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  4. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 156.

    Thanks @darknight, when I tell Tan through the day, I don't give descriptions or details etc, but I do think that telling her that they happened is important to us both, and we have discussed it in the past. But I guess that these things are the things that need to be worked out between the PA/SO.



    This week has been pretty good so far, work is busy, but I'm doing new things which is always welcome. Tan and I are doing great too, and we are looking forward to a "Santa Express" train journey on Saturday with the kids (just a shame the weather is forecast to be pretty miserable...)

    Tonight my dad and brother are coming round ours for some grub, so I look forward to that.
     
  5. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 157.

    Yesterday was a good day. Work was busy, but I finished the day feeling accomplished. Food was excellent; chorizo pasta served up by Tan for us and my dad.

    Work is going well today, I'm working a different section today, and it's still busy, but I will have some free time to help out in other sections later on.

    We're looking forward to Saturday. Not only is it the 1st of December, meaning the "Polar Express" train journey, but it's the first day of advent, meaning the official start of the Christmas season (and advent calendars...). I'm really trying to get into the spirit of Christmas this year, to hopefully help stay positive about the time of year.
     
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  6. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 258.

    Well, it's Friday at last, and that means a couple of days off with the family, and we'll be spending a lot of Saturday on a train (4 of us but only 3 seats...)

    Yesterday we had plans to be organised with the washing etc after work but it fell flat as we were tired and struggled to find the motivation to do it, instead we watched tv together. We have to sort stuff for tomorrow tonight, so no slacking off as the train leaves at 06:15 in the morning...

    Today is going okay so far, although I've uncovered a heap of work to do this afternoon. Hopefully it won't be too time consuming as I have quite a bit to sort. But again it's Friday, and I will feel better at 5pm.
     
  7. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 261.

    This weekend has been great. We spent Saturday from 06:15 traveling on a train down to London with the kids accompanied by "Santa", spent time around London, went a big Christmas market and then travelled back, getting home at nearly 11pm. Knackering, but the kids seemed to enjoy themselves, and it wasn't too stressful.

    Yesterday was just a normal Sunday (except the kids were up later, and a bit more groggy) but for last night where we spent a couple of hours wrapping Christmas presents (we have never been this organised for Christmas before!). We went shopping, had Sunday dinner with Tans parents, and saw my dad, brother and gran for a cuppa and a chat later.

    Work is going okay today, no stress just plodding on with what's to be done. Hopefully this week remains the same!
     
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  8. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 262.

    Last night was good, we cooked steak, corn and sweet potatoes and it with doughnuts!

    Today Tan is on a late shift, so I'm trying to keep her informed of what I'm up to and how I'm doing, to try and alleviate some of her stresses, and I feel like it's going okay so far. I've done some chores, and I've got some work to do, so I've got plenty to occupy my time.

    Today hasn't been to bad, I've been off bench doing audits this afternoon, which is boring, but fairly easy work.

    We've got another busy weekend ahead, with me and Tan going to a gig on Thursday, Christmas shopping Friday, my staff night out on Saturday and a pantomime with the eldest on Sunday! Looking forward to a long weekend.
     
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  9. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 267.

    Well, this weekend has been tiring, somewhat drunken, but alltogether awesome!

    We started off with a gig (an Irish folk/punk band called flogging molly) on Thursday, which was brilliant.

    Then Christmas shopping (not so brilliant on account of the kids...) but finished the evening with some family over for an Indian and some wine.

    Yesterday Tan was at work, but I never stopped all day doing chores, sorting Christmas stuff and visiting my gran, and when Tan returned, we went out for my works Christmas party, which was also excellent, and (I think) Tan also enjoyed it.

    Today started with a distinct groggy feel (alcohol related) but we had to pick the kids up, we had a cooked breakfast and then took the eldest to see a pantomime (Peter pan) which was actually pretty good. We then went for a late Sunday dinner with my dad and gran and have finished the day by putting up the Christmas decorations.

    All in all, it's been a busy, tiring but awesome weekend!
     
  10. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 267.

    Having put up the Christmas decorations last night, the mood in the house has been transformed into Christmas mode. Like I've said before, this year will be more difficult than most, but I am still feeling positive and actually looking forward to it.

    Last night, sleep was pretty poor. Our youngest was crying on and off through till morning as she's picked up a bug. So today is a tired one, making work more laborious than usual.

    I'm quite looking forward to getting home and chilling out a bit.
     
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  11. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    I’m a SO of a PA who has been clean for about 145 days. Do you ever get urges? Have you rid yourself of your fetishes? What about women in public? I am struggling with trust issues with my PA SO who says he is free of all urges, fetishes, and ogling. He also can’t seem to remember any details of the things he did prior.
     
  12. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    If I may,
    doing some drive by reading?

    Recalling and writing down your sexual history is Step One.

    Did he have a lobotomy?
    Then he recalls in detail,
    I’d guess.

    There is brain fog, sure,
    But if he comes home for dinner every night, he knows where the bodies are (buried) mostly.

    I would suggest he is gaslighting?
     
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2018
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  13. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    I admit that I have had far fewer urges than I expected, but I made quite a few changes in my routine, to avoid situations where I might have ordinarily had them (No phone on the toilet, keeping busy when alone, communicating with Tan when I'm alone avoiding triggers such as social media, I watch very little tv alone).

    As far as ogling goes, that is something I actively have to avoid on a daily basis, as not long back I had started to do it again. I tell Tan of all of my avoids (not necessarily in intricate detail, but if she has questions, I answer them).

    I can't say exactly how your SO is managing, but unless he is putting some changes in place, it would be more difficult. Has he made changes?
     
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  14. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 270.

    I triggered Tan yesterday as I was late out of work, but I didn't let her know why when I finished. We talked about it and I will phone her to keep her informed as soon as I finish work when I'm running late.

    Yesterday was pretty good, all the work was finished at work, but we were working till the last minute to get it all finished. We were both tired after work, so we decided to get a takeaway, which we try not to do so much now, but sometimes it has to be done!

    Today isn't going too bad either, although Tan's day isn't going too well. She is working for another team today, but it appears that the rest of the team have dumped the majority of the workload onto her to do.

    Tan is out tonight with the kids and some friends, so I will have to use the time to wrap presents etc, as I have a few to wrap up still for Tan.
     
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  15. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 271.

    So Tan had a shitty day at work yesterday, but she had a nice meal out with her friends and the kids. I tried to keep her updated on what I was up to while I was in on my own. I managed to get a fair bit done, all of the wrapping is done for her so far, and I did a load of housework as well. When Tan got back, she seemed in a decent mood despite work.

    I'm tired today, but work is going okay, I'm looking forward to some restful days off at the weekend. Hopefully that will happen! Tan has her works Christmas party on Saturday, and my dad is coming round for a takeaway, staying sober in case Tan needs a lift home.

    And our new dining table arrives on Saturday, in time for Christmas day, hopefully it fits into the dining room okay!
     
  16. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 272.

    Friday has been busy, hectic, fun, accomplished etc. But finally the weekend is here again!

    Work has been very busy today, working til the bitter end, but managing to clear the decks ready for Monday to start all over again.

    Everyone was wearing Christmas jumpers today, and we had a free Christmas meal provided by the hospital I work at, which was actually not bad for hospital food!

    We had news from the shop that our new dining table is out of stock (despite having arranged delivery, and even being given a delivery time slot for tomorrow) Tan phoned up and they were very vague about why this had happened, but one of the reasons we got it was for Christmas dinner, and if its not able to be with us before then, then I shall be complaining.

    Anyway, rant over...

    Assides from the table,this weekend should be good. Just a couple of things to do, so hopefully it'll be chilled out. Spending time with Tan and the kids, which I love.

    Next week though, Tan has her first night shifts for over a year, which will be a big challenge for us. I believe that they will go okay, but I do hope she doesn't get too many more in the months to come, as it's a definite time when I would have PMOd. I am very confident that I won't slip but it doesn't mean I won't get the urge.
     
  17. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 276.

    This weekend has been pretty good. We went shopping for shoes and placemats on saturday and Tan had her staff party on the night, and seemed to have a good time. When I picked her up she was pretty drunk and laughing and joking with friends. Sunday morning she regretted it though! While she was out, me and my dad had a takeaway and talked about all sorts of pointless stuff.

    Sunday, I got the kids up and ready while Tan tried to sleep off her hangover, and we watched a movie with breakfast. After Tan woke up we got ready and went for the usual Sunday dinner and grocery shopping, then on for a cuppa at my dad's.

    Tonight is Tans first night shift, and I'm confident it will go smoothly. I just hope Tan doesn't get too anxious about it.
     
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  18. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 277.

    Last night was Tans first night shift. We got the kids to bed, had food and had time for sex before she left for work. I think Tan was much more anxious than she let on, but on the surface she seemed okay. After she left, I tidied up, sorted out the dishes, prepared today's lunches for me and our eldest, then went to bed (after seeing to a screaming toddler...).

    I would have often PMd before sleep, but I didn't really get any urges (perhaps the earlier sex helped, or I just don't feel the need, but either way, I was able to drift off to sleep without any trouble.)

    This morning, I managed to get myself and the kids ready, and take them to their grandparents without too much stress. I think that tonight should hopefully be no more difficult.

    After tonight, Tan is off until Christmas eve, which is nice. Hopefully we can have a chilled out lead up to Christmas.
     
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  19. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 278.

    Tans second and last (for now) night shift was last night. Again it went okay, without any problems other than having to settle the youngest when she awoke crying in the night.

    Our routine before Tan left was much the same, only a little more efficient as we got the kids to bed quicker, leaving a little more time for us.

    After Tan left I sorted the kids and my dinner for today, and did the dishes. I spent some time looking at changing energy suppliers before going to sleep without issue.

    This morning went well. I got the kids sorted okay (with a little more stress than yesterday). Today is Christmas performance day at nursery so I had to dress them in Christmas outfits which are pretty cute.

    Tan phoned me on her way home from work, when I was on my way to work so we spoke this morning, even if we didn't see each other.
     
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  20. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 279.

    Yesterday went well. Work was okay, very busy (and to be honest, I was a little lethargic making it feel busier...) and lots to do today.

    Last night was a tired one for both of us. Tan was recovering from night shift, and I was just tired, for no obvious reason. We decided to have a takeaway and we sorted the last presents that we needed to get. After that we just talked in bed before sleep.

    Today has been okay so far. We got the kids ready together (which I appreciated having Tan to help with that after her nights) and I went to work.

    Work has been busy, and I have uncovered a load of problems that need fixing, but I feel quite motivated to get stuck into it today. I've also been given some time off bench to work on my portfolio today, so I'm getting that done as well.

    Tonight my dad is round for some grub, and we're gonna ask him to look after the kids on Saturday so we can "deep" clean the house ready for Christmas day (sounds like fun...)!
     
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