Trying to gain back my SOs trust

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Acky31, Mar 30, 2018.

  1. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 408.

    Today has been okay so far. We changed up our diet this morning and it was cool switching things around a bit, combined with exercise I hope we start to feel a bit better about ourselves.

    Work is going okay, but feels like it's going by really slowly, but the work is going okay. I do just want to go home though...

    Tan is on a late shift tonight, but I've got plenty of things to be getting on with, including work out and my portfolio as I need to get it finished.
     
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  2. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 409.

    Tan was on a late last night, which went well. I eventually got the kids to bed and did my work out, and had food, and I feel good for what we're eating and the exercise we're doing at the moment. Hopefully we can keep it up, cos I think it'll be good long term as well.

    Work is going pretty good today, and this afternoon should be okay too, but I really just fancy going home (and to bed...). For some reason, we've both been pretty tired recently. Eating well and working out could hopefully help with that as well.

    I'm looking forward to Thursday. It would have been my mams birthday, so we're all going out to the coast to kind remember her with ice cream and sea air!
     
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  3. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 410.

    This week has gone pretty well, and today is kinda like Friday for me, I still have training on Friday afternoon but otherwise I'm off until next Tuesday. Unfortunately, Tan is gonna be working lates Friday through to Monday which sucks.

    There is plenty of housework to be done, and again, a load of portfolio stuff to finish off to keep me occupied, and of course I'll have the kids to keep me company.


    I've just listened to a podcast about "danger zones", which are situations/places/times that you would be more likely to act out.

    These could include trawling social media, going on holiday, being home alone, stressful situations etc.

    Most of these I already listed in my triggers list, but there were a couple that I didnt think of that were mentioned, and possibly I should think about re organising the list to separate these things.
     
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  4. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 413.

    My couple of days off so far have been pretty good. On Thursday we spent the day at the sea side, and although it was a bit chilly, we had a good time eating fish and chips, and making our way through some awesome ice cream. On the evening we had some family over and had some food, commemorating my mams birthday, and remembering her.

    Yesterday I went to mandatory training for work, which was naturally very exciting, spent the morning with Tan and the kids, and finished off some bits of my portfolio in the evening.

    Today has been spent working on the house and I'm knackered! Still got loads to do, but its shaping up nicely. I'm now waiting for some food and gonna read, waiting for Tan to get in from work.

    The guy for whom I'm due to be best man is coming round with his fiancee and two kids tomorrow morning. Tan is at work again, but I'll be taking the kids out with my dad for Sunday lunch and we'll see if we can keep them entertained...
     
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  5. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 414.

    Today has gone well, and has worn me out. This morning we got a visit from some friends and their kids. It was good and was nice to talk to them, and have the kids play with some little friends.

    Tan is on another late shift today, and then on an early tomorrow, so when she gets in she'll want to be straight to bed pretty much.

    Me and the kids took my dad through to pick up some paint and some paving slabs for doing some work tomorrow, and then headed for some Sunday dinner, which was nice. We then played out in the park for a while. We had a cuppa at my dads then came home to get the kids to bed.

    I don't think we've done especially much, but I'm pretty tired out by it!
     
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  6. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 416.

    Today has gone okay so far. I've been busy and tired, but otherwise fine.

    Tan is off this week which is good, and I'm off on Friday meaning we will have a long weekend off together (spent working on the house...!)

    Yesterday was good. I spent the day with the kids and my dad, working on the house, shopping and talking about my mam among other things. Tan and I had bought a tree to plant in the garden, to grow alongside our kids, and we wanted to plant it with some of her ashes, so she could be a part of the tree, so we did that yesterday as well.



    I've just listened to a podcast discussing mindfulness, and using the mindfulness to pick up on cues that your body is giving, about stress and other emotions, so they don't spill into other physical cues or acting out.

    Since I started practicing mindfulness, I have tried to become more aware of my emotions and how they physically affect me. I'm not perfect at it, but I'm working on it.
     
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  7. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 417.

    Today is going okay. Things feel like they have been going well with Tan and me recently, and we've been pretty committed to working out, mostly together, and it's been really motivating. Yesterdays workout was my favourite so far, and I kind of felt energised by it.

    Work is busy again (as always), but manageable. Today is my Thursday as I'm off on Friday so I look forward to another long weekend, this one with Tan though.

    During this long weekend, I need to work on my consistency. I have tried to be more consistent when out of the weekday routine (creating a weekend routine would probably be a good idea), so I hope to do better on that.



    I've just listened to a podcast about the "magic pill of recovery".

    Turns out there isn't one...

    Recovery is an ongoing process requiring life long commitment, but it shouldn't be looked at as a chore, but as an investment into a long life lived with honesty, trust and integrity, but that cant be achieved overnight, it needs work and consistency.

    That thought was something that daunted me, and I'm sure Tan felt the same, but phrased like that, it feels like something worth doing.
     
  8. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 418.

    Today feels good, partly because it's my Friday, and partly because it's just going well. Tan and I worked out again last night, which was more difficult for both of us than the night before but felt worthwhile after for me.

    This weekend we are getting the house ready for our garage being built, which is getting put up at some point next week.


    I've just listened to a podcast about loving yourself despite betrayal. It basically talked about how co-dependence can lead to a low self worth, and how comparing yourself to others will also contribute to a low self worth.

    Self worth isn't and shouldn't be derived from someone else, but from yourself, and that's no easy feat. It takes mindfulness to look at yourself and see your true worth.
     
  9. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 419.

    I've had the day off today, not that it's been relaxing. We spent the day cleaning the house, replacing the silicone sealant on the shower, painted, and some other very exciting jobs, but we feel accomplished (even if we didnt get everything done that we had hoped.

    Tomorrow we take my 1972 VW camper van (restoration project) out of the current garage and onto the drive, in preparation for the new garage being built. Hopefully it goes smoothly!
     
  10. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 422.

    We have had an incredibly productive weekend working on the house, and made the most of the good weather we had, and we both feel accomplished, having done things we havent done before.

    I still need to work on my consistency as I havent posted as I had intended. We have been very busy, but probably not too busy to have posted here.

    Tan has been doing awesome at her goals of eating super healthy and exercising, and I think we are both feeling better for eating better and working out.

    I've just listened to a podcast about exercise as a recovery tool, and how it benefits in many more ways than fitness.

    It can help relieve stress and anxiety, and can even help process more difficult emotions. It can also release endorphins and serotonin helping make you feel good about it.
     
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  11. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 423.

    Today's going pretty good. The weather is great, work is going okay, and our new garage has been delivered and built this morning, and I'm looking forward to seeing it this evening.

    I'm feeling pretty excited about the week ahead, we are going to a "ball" on Thursday where I'll be wearing a tux and Tan a gorgeous dress and we'll have some good food and company.

    Saturday we are going out for some food with Tans parents and some friends for Tans mam's birthday, which will be awesome, as the restaurant we are going to is great.

    All in all, a lot to look forward to and enjoy this week!

    Tan is on a late today, so I'll be working on the finishing touches to my portfolio, hopefully getting it finished (fingers crossed!)
     
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  12. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 424.

    Yesterday went well, I got some work done on my portfolio, didnt quite finish it but progress was made, and the garage looks better than I expected and I think it's actually a cool addition to the house.

    Tan was on a late shift, which sometimes causes a bit of tension, but there was none yesterday, and we went to bed together in a good place.

    Today work is going well, and I'm managing to get some good work done on projects I'm involved in as the routine work is a slow.



    I just listened to a podcast about what we attract in our lives and why, and it was talking about how we attract certain relationships and things into our lives by the way we act.

    So confidence will attract confidence, success will attract success etc...

    It's the same throughout life, in friendships as well.

    I think I'll have to reflect on this a little to better understand it in myself.
     
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  13. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 429.

    This weekend has been awesome, starting on Thursday with Tan after going to a black tie dinner with good friends. An excellent night that I think we all enjoyed.

    On Thursday morning we had a meeting with a mortgage advisor and we have applied to get some equity back to start work on our extension which is exciting!

    We did a load of work on the new garage on the house on Saturday and Sunday morning. And on Saturday night we took Tans mam to a Cantonese restaurant for her birthday, along with Tans step dad and grandma. We ate far too much, but it was really good.

    Today we are both back to work, Tans on a late, but we are getting our house valued on Wednesday so I've got plenty of tasks to keep me busy.

    I feel really optimistic of all the things that are opening up for us at the moment, our plans finally seem to be getting in motion.
     
  14. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 430.

    Today isn't going too bad, it's been busy at work, but I think it's going okay.

    Tan and I are going to be busy tonight to try and get the house ready for the valuation tomorrow. Fingers crossed it goes well.

    Tan was on a late shift last night, and I spent the evening tidying up and working on the final part of my portfolio, which should be all signed off and finished with in the next couple of weeks after it is assessed.

    We have quite a bit to look forward to over the coming months.


    I've just listened to a podcast about the fear cycle and how it can cause you to feel and act (and act out).

    Some of it actually resonated with me, like when I can see that Tan is in this cycle, I can feel the energy she is giving off and it makes me kinda feel shame and anxiety, but I am trying to be more mindful in these kinds of situations to try and stop getting like this.
     
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  15. Truedjinn

    Truedjinn Fapstronaut

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    I agree. With all the emotional time invested in this venture, I'm sure it would do her emotional healing some good for you to pick her over your best friends "stag" party. Just explain things to your best friend. If he really is, he should understand. Are bachelor parties even really necessary anynorw?
     
  16. jfromcr

    jfromcr Fapstronaut

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    I have written about rebuilding trust and my wife and I actually put a video series together for this topic.

    Rebuilding trust is difficult, so be patient and remember Tan's safety is more important than anything else.

    If she doesn't feel safe, you are not going to build trust.
     
  17. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 431.

    I'm not going to the stag party anymore, but I was no longer able to make it, taking the decision out of my hands.
    I don't think they are necessary, just a "tradition".

    Thanks for the response!
    I know for sure that I'm not always safe for her, but the way I react in discussions and to criticism is something I'm working on, to try and make Tan feel more safe in those situations. Obviously it is difficult at times, but I look forward to continuing working on things with her together!
     
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  18. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 432.

    We had the house valued yesterday for our mortgage, but we are waiting to hear back, before we can move ahead with the extension, which we are eager to start.

    Work has been really busy, but okay. Managing to get it done but a little stressful.

    I feel bad that we havent done FANOS in a while, so I'd like to do that soon again. I also have my portfolio to finish very soon, and I need to sort my workout out as well. Tan is doing awesome at the moment, which is giving me more motivation, really inspiring!


    I just listened to a podcast about healthy sex and how it isn't really something that is taught, but something you figure out yourself, but often end up doing it unhealthily. It is a difficult subject for parents to broach with kids.

    I think that Tan and I still don't have the healthiest sex life, as I don't think she feels safe enough during sex. I have tried to make her feel safer but obviously from what I have put her through over the years, she doesn't trust that I wouldn't be in another place in my head, which will be a big hurdle to overcome, but I'd like to work on it.
     
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  19. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 434.

    Today is going good, got my portfolio finished (just need to write some stuff up in the logbook) which is a big milestone, and hopefully means that I will be signed off as a Biomedical Scientist in the next couple of weeks!

    Also today is Friday, and Monday is a bank holiday, meaning 3 day weekend, unfortunately, Tan has picked up a shift on Sunday, but we still have 2 days off together.

    I'm looking forward to doing some more work on the house tomorrow but Monday we're gonna have a family day, where we are going to just go out and do something together (not entirely sure yet, but I'm looking forward to it none the less). And tonight not having to think too much about work related stuff will be good :)
     
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  20. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 435.

    Yesterday was great, made good progress on the house. Did some plumbing, installed some security cameras (Tan has been burgled a couple of times in the past and it makes her feel more secure in the house). I know I should have posted yesterday but I didnt, and have no excuses for that. Yesterday was good none the less.

    We have been working hard on our diets and exercise recently and it's having some impressive results for Tan.

    Today, we have been shopping and spent a fortune. Tan has been on a late shift tonight, so I have taken the kids for Sunday lunch with Tans parents and to see my dad.

    Tan has been triggered tonight, while on her late, as I missed a call. I understand that it would have triggered her, but it was because I was cleaning up after I put the kids to bed, and now it feels like its escalated somewhat. I wish it was so easy to gain trust with her as it was to break it, but it's not, and it frustrates me sometimes, and I guess that frustration, in these circumstances, doesn't come across very well.

    Tomorrow we are having a family day together, hopefully it will still be a good one.
     

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