Trying to gain back my SOs trust

Day 500.

Cheers @mrtumnus, I appreciate the support. I guess if you just write about the good times, and ignore the bad, you don't learn anything. I think I have a lot to learn from this so it's definitely worth writing about.


Last night went okay, we had food, we watched TV, we talked about the house and decoration stuff and went to sleep.

It's cool to go home each day and see what's changed and what progress has been made, and thinking about what's going to change over the next few days

 

Day 501.

This morning wasnt great, I haven't been the most consistent across all of my recovery work, and Tan called me out on it again. I think that I always let it slip after a while, but she was getting fed up with it and it came out this morning.

We have just spoken and we seemed to be on a bit better terms, but I need to pick up the slack none the less.

Work is pretty busy today, and has been all week, and we're pretty short staffed meaning I'm being pulled all over the place, though I'm coping quite well, and it going okay.

Building work is carrying on, and the foundations are being dug out ready for the concrete pour in the next few days. Hopefully this rain doesn't affect progress.

 

Day 502.

Today has been very busy so far, and will hopefully ease of into this afternoon, Thursdays are the worst in my section...

Last night, Tan was on a late shift, and, after seeing to the kids, and getting them to bed, used the time to write a speech for the wedding on Saturday. The evening went quite well, I discussed it with Tan when she got in, and got it finished off before bed.

Public speaking makes me incredibly nervous, but I'm also kind of looking forward to it, though I really wish that they were doing them before the food!

 

Day 503.

Today is going pretty good. Not too busy, which is good because I'm leaving early. This afternoon I'm going to the wedding rehearsal so got to be prompt leaving.

Last night was cool, we had enchiladas for food, we watched some TV and hit the sack, but still feeling tired today...

 

Day 506.

This weekend has been brilliant, being involved in one of my best friends wedding was an absolute honour and privilege and I loved being there with Tan. They had a memory tree of people who passed away and couldn't be with us, and it made me a bit emotional to see a photograph of my mam on there, really meant a lot.

It also made me look back at our own wedding day, and reminisce at how good our day was, and generally focus on the good things that have happened, as it's easy sometimes to forget the good and only see the bad. There have definitely been lots of good over the past decade and a bit, so we celebrated heartily!

I also didn't let the nerves get the better of me in my speech, which was a worry (I had to take some imodium before hand though...)

Yesterday we enjoyed a BBQ before the thunderstorms kicked off. All in all an excellent weekend spent with some awesome and amazing people (though I was sobered up by one incredibly drunk co-bestman at the end of the night...)

 

Day 507.

Today has gone well so far, productive at work despite being tired.

I've found myself feeling quite tired the past couple of days, possibly from being awoken early by kids, but it's made me feel somewhat lethargic.

Work is progressing on the house which is good, though money has had to be paid for bits and bobs which is always a pain, but obviously expected.

I've just listened to a podcast talking about curiosity in a relationship. It speaks of how being curious of why your partner reacts a certain way, or is in a "bad mood" (basically being mindful and present in situations) instead of getting offended or firing shots back, can help you understand deeper reasons for the situation, helping to make things better, instead of exacerbating it.

 

I'm still pretty bad for this, that's why that podcast was pretty good, telling me not every action or reaction from Tan is about me.

Obviously it's easy enough to talk about this stuff, but in the moment, it's difficult not to take things personally, especially when you are codependent.

 

Day 508.

Today is going pretty good so far. Tan is off today, so the morning was fairly chilled out (when we both have work, it sometimes feels a little stressed and rushed to get everything ready for us and for the kids to get out the door at the same time), which was nice.

Building work is continuing with the foundations poured yesterday with building out of the ground hopefully starting today (there is definitely another metaphor in there somewhere).

Tan has late shifts all weekend which will be a bit crap, but we'll manage. Don't have anything planned at the moment, but we may end up disposing of some asbestos and screwing some loft boards down in our attic.

Work is going okay, not too busy, so will get chance to help out elsewhere in the lab, fingers crossed it stays that way.

 

Day 509.

Today is going okay, I sometimes feel like my effort at work is not fully appreciated. Not by everyone all the time but some people some of the time. Just puts you in a bad mood!

Otherwise today is going good. Other than mistakenly sending a text to our builder saying that I had just meditated (the message was intended for Tan) for which I expect to get some stick.

I have decided that I'm going to pick back up with my exercise. It seems to go in cycles. I start exercising, I keep it up for a month or so and then I stop for whatever reason, forget about it until I look in the mirror one day and look at the flab... My intention is, as it always is at the start, to keep going for longer. Fingers crossed

 

Day 510.

Unfortunately, that counter has reset before it even started. Embarrassing as it is to admit, by the time the evening came around, I had entirely lost the motivation to exercise that I had earlier in the day... Perhaps its an issue with exercising in the evening, but fitting it in at other times of the day is pretty difficult, so really, I'm just going to have to find the motivation somewhere in me. Once I've started it, it gets easier to carry on, but getting started often seems to be the hardest thing to do.

In other news, the builder has yet to give me any trouble over my admission to being a meditator, though I'm sure he's saving it. On another note though, I would highly recommend meditation to anyone, as it helps "organise" your mind, and gives you good tools for dealing with more difficult situations, and, with practice, helps to keep you mindful.

Work is frustrating today. A vital piece of equipment has broken down, preventing me from processing my work, but if its fixed now, this afternoon will be very busy.

Tan is on lates this weekend, so I will have the kids. Hopefully all will go well. We are intending disposing of the asbestos tomorrow at our local recycling centre, though the weather looks set to make that a rather miserable affair...

Other than that, I have some other bits and pieces to sort out to keep me occupied for a while, and probably a good time to exercise!

 

Day 512.

This weekend has worked out quite well. We got most of the asbestos disposed of, just need some more permits to take the rest to our recycling centre. We also got the rest of our attic boarded out with loft boards ready to tidy it in preparation for the builders making a mess of everything when they take down the chimney.

Tan has been on late shifts, which hasn't been too bad. It's usually a bit of a pain, but not too bad. But Tan still has one more late tomorrow which I'm sure will go much the same.

Last night the kids were a bit of a pest, and our youngest was still awake when Tan got in from work. Tonight has been much better though, and both kids were asleep pretty much straight away, allowing me to sit downstairs listening to Muse while planning a birthday party for my dad's 70th.

 

Day 513.

Today is going good. I'm working in a section I haven't worked for a while which is cool, as I quite enjoy it.

I'm feeling particularly tired today, not entirely sure why, but all I want to do is go back to bed to sleep...

Tan has another late shift tonight so I will be collecting the kids when I finish work and battling with them to go to bed before making food and theoretically working out. I really want to start, but by the time it comes around, I seem to lose the motivation. When I start doing it, it will be okay, because I will be trying to keep up a "streak" but starting is always the hard part.

 

Day 514.

Today is going okay, we had a meeting, and are busy, meaning we are even more busy now, but we'll cope.

Building work is coming along well now. They have started building out of the ground now, which shows a good progression now, hopefully that will take off quickly.

Tans late went okay last night, we spoke, I got the kids sorted and to bed and created a masterpiece of a meal.

We have started a new diet, so eating healthy for a change. I still intend to combine it with exercise though (however that still hasn't materialised). I will start! I think maybe a counter on here would be a good idea when that begins.

 

Day 515.

There is a lot of cake in the tea room at work, and I'm getting some pretty bad cravings for something sweet! I'm also feeling a little shaky, but I was pretty hungry, so hopefully food will have helped that.

Otherwise today is going well. I got all my bait (lunch) ready this morning before anyone was up and tried to sit down and read, but that was stopped by the sounds of kids waking up!

I meditate every morning before work, and I feel like it helps me start my day in a better frame of mind. I'm trying to become more mindful and I feel like that is helping to be more so, in each situation.

I'm looking forward to getting home and seeing the progress the builders have made today, and relaxing with Tan over food (as I'm pretty hungry recently...)

 

I had no experience until just over a year ago, and I started using a guided meditation app. There are quite a few out there, but with a lot of them I struggled to relate to the voices (some sounded slightly pretentious or patronising). I eventually came across an app called headspace, and I still use that now (though it requires a subscription) but there are a lot of others out there, and some are free.

 

Day 516.

Today is going good, this morning started well (despite two wet beds...) The kids were playing really nice together, and Tan and I had a nice goodbye, which sets my day off well.

I feel much better today than yesterday, and I'm not as tired, which is making the day go quite well. Hopefully I'll have some energy left to start my workout later. Tan is on a late (which she volunteered for as overtime) so might be good to occupy my time, as well as get it kick started.

I'm looking forward to seeing the progress on the house tonight. Tan says there has been some good work done so will be good to see.