Trying to gain back my SOs trust

Day 562.

Friday finished off quite well at work, it felt like teamwork improved the afternoon, and today, Teamwork is making the day go by pretty smoothly so far. I think this afternoon will go just as well.

This weekend has gone by really well. I have never layed wood flooring before, so there has been a bit of a learning curve, but it's starting to look really good (and obviously cheaper and more rewarding than paying someone else to do it.

Tan and I have spent a lot of time working together to sort the flooring out as well, which has been good, though it has also been pretty tiring. Tan is also now feeling very much under the weather. Not related to the work though.

Hopefully this week goes by as well as it has done so far this morning. I'm pretty confident that it will in the section that I'm working on.

Tan will be working next weekend which I'm sure will be okay, but I don't necessarily look forward to it still. I enjoy having time off with her, regardless of how it's spent (though I do tend to like it to be spent productively...)

 

Day 563.

Yesterday afternoon carried on pretty well, and was quite productive. Today is going in the same direction, and again, teamwork is carrying us through the day well.

We have had to have some additional structural work in the house which I think may have delayed us slightly, but the plastering of one of the bedrooms and part of the hallway is taking place today, together with insulation getting installed in the master bedroom, so there will be obvious things to see when we get in from work.

I have had confirmation that my work hours will change starting next week. I'm gonna be doing 4 long days, with 3 days off, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday, which means that I'll be able to spend some time working on my camper an with my dad. We bought a bay window VW campervan when I was 16 and I'm now 29, meaning I have had it for 13 years, and not a lot has been done to it in that time. I desperately want it to be a project worked on with my dad, and he has turned 70 this year, so we need to start working sooner rather than later, before he struggles more to actually work (though he manages pretty well for a 70 year old! I don't think 70 is as old as I thought it was when I was a kid!)

Last night we had mussels in a garlic and white wine sauce with thick slices of crusty bread, which was a nice change.

 

Day 563.

Yesterday finished up quite well. Very productive, and got plenty of stuff done, and I also had confirmed to me that my hours will be changing. Today it was officially announced to the lab, but most already knew, so not too much of a shock, and I'm not sure it will affect too many people.

Today has been pretty good so far, though got a bit hectic before lunch, and we have a meeting when I get back so likely the work will accumulate around us, as usual, but I think we will manage.

Last night we cooked chorizo pasta and watched some more rugby, though Tan has been unwell the past few days meaning she was tired and didn't really pay much attention to it.

This morning, after my shower, we had sex, which is not usual for us at 6am but was good none the less. The only problem with sex at that time is that it makes me want to go back to bed, when we really need to be getting ready and getting the kids ready for work/school. It was actually surprising that the kids didn't wake up as they usually are up early...

 

Day 564.

Today I strangely feel a little low. Not sure why, but has got better through the day.

Tan felt pretty bad this morning with a bad head, so stayed in bed while 9 saw to the kids and got ready for work. The kids were actually pretty good this morning with me which made things easier.

Work has been more stressful this morning, but I feel like this afternoon will be a little better.

Work is going okay on the house. Our builder had made a mistake in the layout of the bathroom, he put the door in the wrong place, but seemed to take it okay after discussing it with Tan, so hopefully will be sorted out easily enough. He is also decorating the first of the rooms, which is exciting to see.

Tan is working this weekend unfortunately, but I hope to be working on laying some more flooring which will certainly keep me occupied. I am looking forward to be off work right now though!

 

Day 564.

Today is going pretty good, busy, and stressful at times, but good still.

Next week will be my first week on my new working hours, which will hopefully be good and will work out well. I'm pretty confident that it will work out great for me personally, but for work, we shall see.

Tan is on a late shift tonight, but my dad and brother will be heading over possibly with his girlfriend for some food. I'm not sure what I'll be cooking yet but I'm sure it'll be good.

Tan is also working over the weekend which sucks, and she will be working on two other weekends this month as well, which is crap also, but duty calls unfortunately. Hopefully I'll manage to get some flooring laid with the kids about!

 

Day 569.

Tan has been at work all weekend, which isn't the greatest, but it's not been too bad. She also worked the late shift on Friday and was almost out of the house on Saturday morning before the kids got up, so they hadn't actually seen much of her until Saturday evening after finishing 2 hours late from work, leaving her feeling a bit stressed and understandably grumpy.

I did some shopping for stuff for the house and got some blinds that I ended up having to return for longer ones that actually fit the windows...

Yesterday was a bit better, when Tan got back from work (on time) we went out with my dad and gran for some food with the kids.

We watched some rugby, England beat Argentina, and we chilled out.

Today isn't going too bad, I have started my new shifts, which has left me feeling a bit random on my lunch as its now shorter, and a bit out of routine, and I'm not sure where to go, as I don't have enough time to do what I used to do. I'm sure I'll make some new routines.

 

Day 569.

Well, my first long shift went well yesterday, and didn't really seem too bad, despite the early start and later finish, and today went well as well, which is a good sign for things to come.

I have just volunteered to host some seminars at work in the coming months as well, so I will need to spend some time compiling research and putting together some presentations. I enjoy putting some time and effort into that kind of thing, and I like that I would be using the opportunity to hopefully pass on some knowledge.

Last night went well, Tan and I watched a movie before bed (Tan wanted something different from rugby for a change, which is fair enough), and we went to bed where we ended up going to sleep quite late...

Today started okay. I have been feeling somewhat under the weather the past few days, so getting started on a morning takes a while, especially now the days are getting shorter, and the mornings are pretty dark. The kids stayed upstairs so I got a rare opportunity to eat my breakfast while reading, which is something I treasure.

Tan is on a late shift tonight, so I have spent my evening as usual. Seeing to the kids, who are naturally resistant to bedtime these days, tidying up, doing some chores, making some food and chilling on the couch. Tan has had time to call and message tonight, which often she can't which is good, and hopefully she will manage to finish on time today, unlike some shifts recently.

Tomorrow will be a later start to the day, but an even later finish, before my new Thursday day off, hopefully it will go alright.

 

Day 571.

Last night was good, Tan finished on time for a change and we talked a bit before heading up to bed, without going straight to sleep.

We ended up getting a good amount of sleep though our eldest woke up a little early to tell us she had wet the bed (typical start to the day).

After we saw to the kids we got ready and went to work, in a decent mood. Work has been good, busy but good, though I will be staying late tonight. Tomorrow is my day off which I'm excited for, spending the day with Tan and our youngest daughter, a rare treat, though we will likely be spending some of it laying flooring...

 

Day 576.

This weekend has been a mixed bag. We haven't had a huge amount planned, so we decided on Saturday to take the kids for a haircut (it was our youngests 1st haircut, so we went somewhere good for kids). That went well, and they were both very well behaved, so we went for some food, and headed home. After a nap for our youngest, we went shopping had some food while out again, so quite a nice day. Our youngest however woke up at about 10pm screaming, and proceeded to scream on and off until roughly 1am. That obviously disturbed our eldest who is sharing a room with her. That meant that Sunday was much less productive and more sleepy/grumpy than we had planned.

I think tiredness actually made us a little more snappy with each other as well, having little arguments about stupid things like sorting out where to put furniture for the builders doing work in different rooms. It was better when we sat down in the evening after we got the kids to bed and relaxed a bit before bed.

Today is going okay at the moment, still tired from yesterday but not too bad, and the work is going well.

Received some unfortunate news on my return from lunch, that my lab is to be merged with other labs in the region meaning that there will be disruption and uncertainty in my job over the next few years, but hopefully won't be too painful, though it is upsetting that our lab may be closed down.

On a brighter note, work on the house is progressing well!

 

Day 577/578

Conversation on Monday night was mostly dominated by talk of the future of my work, though the work on the house did make a positive twist to the conversation.

The evening went well, and the kids were well behaved before bed, which always makes the evening go a bit better. We have also just discovered that our fridge freezer is broken and needs replacing, and our tumble drier is also sounding like it's seen better days, which is some more great news...

Today has been a bit of a pain at work, but not too bad, and the late shift I now do every Wednesday went quite uneventfully. I have realised that I will have to spend time every evening posting my journal now as I don't get any Internet signal in the tea room at work, where I now have to eat as I don't get time to go anywhere else. I also have started listening to my daily podcast on my drive home from work instead of at lunch, as I share the room with others. Todays was about making a monthly checklist for staying porn free, mostly talking about ways to stay porn free for a year, but in monthly installments. It was quite interesting, and provided some links, and we can always use some more help and tools to make things easier/better.

Tomorrow is my day off and I'm looking forward to spending some time with Tan. We may end up laying some more floor though!

 

Day 580.

Yesterday went really well, we have worked really well together fitting our new wood floor through the hall and in the living room, and yesterday we got it finished just in time for a couch delivery. It looks really good and we are very pleased with it, especially seeing as it's the first time we have ever layed wood floor.

The rest of the house is coming on well, and while tan is at work, we will be moving furniture into another room again, ready for more work to commence.

Work today had been okay, but became a little stressful towards the end of the shift, when I returned home, Tan had been dealing with a couple of pains (the kids) who were resonating off each other, making trouble and mischief. Fortunately they went to bed easy enough.

We have now sat down with gammon, egg and sweet potato chips (fries) with Tan a glass of Amarilla and me a bottle of beer, to chill out together after a stressful end to the day, and I for one feel a little better for it.

 

Day 583.

This weekend has been really good, despite Tan working both days.

First off, there has been some excellent rugby played this weekend, and England played very well. Secondly, the kids weren't too badly behaved, and thirdly we received some very good news, but I'll talk about that at a later date.

Tan is currently on a late shift, and so I have put the kids to bed and had to fit a new tumble dryer, which has turned out to be bigger than the old one, meaning that it only just squeezed into the space that was there (it's somehow bigger than the washing machine...). We were forced to replace the old one as it broke down during the week, shortly after we had to replace the fridge freezer. A lovely couple of purchases that we didn't really want to have to make, but these things happen...

Work today has been good, but I have been very tired after having to get up a few times in the night with the kids. Fortunately we were pretty efficient at work and got everything done in good time.

Things are going pretty good for us at the moment, it feels really good and I feel closer to Tan than I have for a while. We are both looking forward to things in our future.

 

Day 587.

This week has been tiring, and frustrating, but has ended not too bad with Lasagne at my dad's with the kids and my gran, brother and his girlfriend. I'm now sitting waiting for Tan to get in from work after successfully getting two rather tired kids to bed without any real problems or drama.

Work hasn't been too bad, and I had a day off yesterday which helps, but it's been frustrating at times, with people not sorting out their own problems, and leaving them for others to sort them out.

But today is Friday, and this weekend should be good, starting tomorrow with finishing off a door I fitted on Thursday with my father in law. There is a Halloween fayre on in town tomorrow as well so I'm gonna take the kids to that if the weather holds up okay, hopefully it will be good for the kids, and they're looking forward to dressing up. Then my brother is coming over to babysit the kids so Tan and I can head for an Indian with my work friends for a leaving meal for one of my colleagues.

Tan is at work tomorrow morning, but when she gets back, and before we go out, we have the semi-final of the world cup against New Zealand to watch, which I'm pretty nervous about. If we win, then we will be into the final against ether Wales or South Africa.

On Sunday we have a christening to go to for one of our close friends. I have to admit, none of us are particularly religious, but I think we see it as kind of a traditional thing to do. We are looking forward to it none the less, if for nothing else than to catch up with some good friends and see the baby.

This weekend promises to be good, and I'm looking forward to it.

I have been listening to a podcast the last couple of days called "hope for the porn addicted agnostic" and the follow up "hope for the porn addicted Christian". Its been interesting where he sees the positives and pit falls in recovery for each group, though I don't think you can pigeon hole a person as either Christian or non-religious as there are many different variables in life that affect the way people think about certain things, though, as an agnostic person, I feel some of the things he touched upon were accurate for me, such as a slight discomfort towards religious themed thinking, like using Gods love to help give me motivation etc. And also, as a man of science myself, I do prefer to think of the science behind behaviour rather than other aspects, although emotional needs are just as important, and I think that's kind of what he is trying to touch on.

I have just started to listen to the follow up, so will listen to the rest and compare on here.

 

Day 591.

The weekend was expected to be good, and would have been still had it not been for the bad news that we got on Saturday morning.

I haven't mentioned it on here before, but Tan and I have been trying for a baby for roughly a year now, and we recently found out that she was pregnant, however we got the terrible news on Saturday morning that Tan had miscarried.

Today, Tan has gone back to work, and feels incredibly awkward about it as everyone knows and is treating her with gloves which is making things worse.

Continuing to try is also bringing its own guilt about it all. We have stayed pretty strong through it all though, and I think things are still pretty good between us.

The difficulty is that we don't want to just trivialise it, as its a big deal, but we still want to keep trying. There might have been nothing we could have changed to prevent it happening, and we do still have two beautiful daughters but that brings little comfort at the moment.

There were still some good things this weekend, but obviously overshadowed by Saturday morning. England emphatically made it into the final of the rugby World Cup on Saturday, we went to a colleagues leaving meal and we went to a christening on Sunday (which was very much bitter sweet, especially when the conversation touched on us trying for a baby), so there was good in this weekend.

 

Thank you for your kind words, they are appreciated.

 

Day 592.

Today has been better. Work was better, though I still haven't told anyone about what has happened at the weekend. I can't seem to find the words, or figure out how to even start the conversation. I have some really good friends at work, so I feel like it's the kind of thing I can talk to them about, I just don't know how at the moment. It makes it more difficult when one in particular is talking quite a bit about starting up a new family with her fiancé. I'm sure I'll figure it out though.

Today has been a late shift, where I stay late to sort out some urgent work that comes in to the lab late. Unfortunately, tonight also happens to be a day where Tan is on a late, which means that the kids were late to bed. Fortunately they went quite easily without to much trouble so the evening hasn't been too bad. My dad brought the kids over, and once they were in bed, we had a cuppa and reminisced about the past, about my mam and other things, like how it's been 10 years since I went to university this year. Time flies!

I'm off tomorrow, and the kids are on holiday from school, so I will be taking them swimming in the morning, which they are looking forward to a lot. Its also Tan and my dating anniversary, so we are hoping to get some time to go for some food and watch a movie. Tomorrow should be good.

 

Day 599.

This weekend went quite well, other than the rugby on Saturday morning, but we won't mention any more about that...

On Thursday it was our 12th dating anniversary, so we decided to grab some food and go watch a movie. On the way back we called in at a tattoo parlour and each got a tattoo (pretty awesome if I say so myself) in remembrance of Tans miscarriage. We didn't want it to pass by as if it was insignificant, so we got them, and we love them.

A few people at work noticed the tattoo, but that's fine. It allowed me to explain the meaning behind it, and it actually felt pretty good to offload it to some of my friends.

Today and tomorrow I am on an external training course which means that I will not be off for my Thursday, but the course is pretty good, and is promising for my future development in the lab, so I'm looking forward to it.

Im feeling quite excited about work at the moment. There is a lot of uncertainty, but also there seems to be a lot of potential opportunity for progression, and will set up my career.

2ork on the house is going well also, and our builder has given us an expected completion date of the 20th of this month, which means we have something to look forward to in the near future!

 

Day 603.

The past week has gone by really well, my training course was excellent and work has been good, and I'm looking forward to using the things I have learned to continue the service and hopefully improve things going forward.

I have realised though that over the past few weeks that my efforts towards gaining back trust with Tan, including writing nofap posts and talking to Tan about all things related to nofap have slipped quite a bit.

I can use excuses like the change in my work hours, or the house build or anything else, but truthfully I've become complacent, and I can't allow myself to get complacent, as that will not help me with Tan.

Tan has been on a late tonight, and was also on a late last night, and unfortunately will also be on a late tomorrow night as well, but after that, we've got the most of two weeks off together, which we have been looking forward to for a while although we will be doing plenty of work in that time including decorating the living room and laying wood flooring through the kitchen and extension. Hopefully it will all be done by the time we have arranged a birthday party/housewarming with a few of our friends!

I am beginning to get excited about Christmas this year, and I'm hopeful that Tan will manage to be off still (at the moment she is scheduled to be on a late, which is the worst possible shift she could have been on). Fingers crossed as then we can celebrate it together as a big family!

 

Day 612.

The past week has gone really well. We hosted our family at the weekend, unfortunately not in our dining room, as its just an open space with bare walls and acro's holding a couple of steel beams up at the moment, so we were in the living room, but it was good still.

We are hosting a party on Saturday, and we aren't optimistic of it being much closer to completion then. But I'm looking forward to seeing some good friends.

The past couple of days, Tan and I have both been exhausted and ill. I think some of it is that we have been totally non stop for weeks. Yesterday was the first day we had a rest for quite a while, though we have lots of work to do still over the next couple of weeks.

We have moved into our new bedroom in the extension, and it's kind of like sleeping in a posh hotel room at the moment, but I'm sure it will soon feel like home, especially when all the other work is finished, which hopefully be soon!