Trying to gain back my SOs trust

Day 857.

Feeling: Optimistic, confident and relaxed.

The weekend went really well. We had a 4D scan on Saturday, and baby Charlie was a pain in the bum, he was covering his face with hands and feet, and then when Tan went for a walk to see if he could get into a better position, he actually rolled over into a worse position. We still managed to get some really good scan images, and believe it or not, he actually looks a lot like his sister when she was a baby.

We also saw family, had Sunday lunch at Tans parents, and did some grocery shopping, and bought some shoes for me and the kids. Just the usual stuff otherwise.

Yesterday back at work was a touch stressful. I was supposed to be training someone new in the department, and one of the main machines we use to do part of the sample preparation broke, meaning that the training was pretty disjointed. Safe to say, by the end of the day I was pretty glad to go home.

This morning has been much better though, and I've managed to get mostly caught up with yesterday's work and on top of today's, leading to me feeling confident and relaxed.

I am optimistic and excited about the weekend approaching, as I am off from Thursday, looking at a new car, and then heading to the Lake District for a break in a VW campervan! Very much looking forward to it!

 

Thank you so much, we are excited too (although the thought of going back to the sleepiness nights doesn't fill us with joy!). I think both of us are happy to stick with three kids though.

I remember when Tan and I started out together, she always wanted loads of kids, but after we had our first daughter, three became the max. I think that saying that she hates pregnancy would be an understatement, other than feeling baby kicks and movements. We are going away this weekend and we will be taking crutches with us as she is suffering quite badly from SPD (symphysis pubis disorder or pelvic girdle pain).

Fortunately (on the most part...) we love being parents, so it makes up for the rubbishy, painful and nauseous pregnancy (I think, I've never actually asked her directly!)

 

Day 864.

Feeling: Tired, optimistic and frustrated.

This weekend has been amazing, and I've loved getting to spend time just with Tan, with a bit of time off without the kids. And driving the camper has been great as well, and finally being able to go out and eat out. All in all, an awesome weekend in the gorgeous Lake District.

The only problem was the bed. Even I found it pretty uncomfortable, but Tan is 8 months pregnant, and she was crippled by it. I am super proud of how well she managed with the weekend otherwise though, as we did a decent amount of walking, with Tan hobbling along using two crutches. It makes you more aware of how oblivious and unthoughtful some people are walking around.

Back to work today though with a bump, and slowly winding back up... I might be up to speed by the weekend!

 

Day 865.

Feeling: Tired, cheerful and productive.

Today I'm feeling tired again, which I think is a general theme running through my life (though I think Tan scoffs at my tiredness, seeing as she is drained all the time at the moment), but I've still managed to be pretty productive at work, and I'm happy with how it's gone so far today.

I'm also cheerful, not for any particular reason, but just a non specific cheerful feeling.

We have plans this weekend to do some wallpapering the kids bedrooms (when I say we, I mean Tan will be telling me when my papering is a bit wonky!) we had hoped to paint the outside of the house over summer but not sure when we will be doing that yet (not that I look forward to that task as it's pebbledashed...)

 

Day 866.

Today has been busy, as Thursdays usually are, but I'm also training someone, but she's getting there, slowly but surely.

This week has been the first time I've driven my new car to work, and it hasn't disappointed. I am so far pretty happy with the decision to go all electric. A few people warned me away from going all electric, but I've not had any problems so far, though it's maybe a touch premature to be proclaiming that yet...

 

Day 867.

Feeling: Cheerful (it's Friday!), optimistic and jealous.

Today is Friday, which automatically helps me into a good mood, but I am quite jealous of Tan and the kids, as they are able to enjoy this amazing weather in the garden with a paddling pool while I'm stuck at work in a lab in the basement of a hospital...

I expect the weather will hold up til I get home, hopefully we can spend a little time in the garden then.

I am also pretty optimistic for the weekend. We are hoping to get both kids walls wallpapered. We had planned on doing it earlier than now, but haven't found the motivation, but we have committed to it tomorrow, so we can't take it back now!

 

Day 870.

We had a busy and tiring weekend, which was started on Friday when we headed to hospital. Tan had noticed a change in movement from the baby, and that he was moving much less, so we contacted the pregnancy assessment unit who got us to go into the hospital. It was an awkward experience as I wasn't allowed in to the unit with her and had to stay in the hall (due to COVID) and I waited there for about an hour with no word. Fortunately they monitored his heart rate and his movements, and he seemed to be okay. We got back and ate some KFC at about 1030pm.

Saturday we finally got the kids bedrooms wallpapered as well as wallpapering the nursery ready for our impending arrival.

Sunday wasn't quite as tiring. The usual shopping and visiting my dad after doing some washing and tidying. Finishing the day off with some ironing and chocolate. Not too bad a Sunday I guess.

 

Day 871.

Feeling: Tired, stupid and relieved.

Always tired... (but will likely get worse in September!)

I'm feeling stupid but relieved because I had made a mistake at work which could have caused problems in diagnosing a sample. I'm relieved however, because I managed to identify my mistake, and rectify it without causing any harm.

We went for a meal last night for my Grans birthday, which wasn't too bad. It was the first night the restaurant was open since lockdown, and was busier than they had expected I think, as food took a while. My Gran wasn't happy about a waitress not wearing a mask, so got so worked up that she left straight after her main meal. The food wasn't too bad though.

I feel like I need a weekend off already...

 

Day 872.

Feeling: Relaxed, sleepy and optimistic.

Today has been a bit more manageable than the last couple of days at work. It's been stupid busy but today has calmed a bit, so I'm feeling a bit more relaxed.

I'm also optimistic and excited about our EV charger being installed tomorrow (I know it's a bit sad...) but it will make charging the car much easier and mean that we can programme when to charge the car.

 

Day 873.

Feeling: Stressed, annoyed and hopeful.

This morning has been irritating as well as busy, but the irritating part has stopped us doing the work...

We were expecting an engineer to arrive, meaning we couldn't get work done, however he couldn't do what he needed to, so it was just a waste of time. There were also incorrectly labelled samples and other issues that have just delayed things. And I'm training someone at the same time, so it's been a crap morning.

But I'm hopeful that we can turn things around this afternoon, and get on top of things.

Last night was strange. We thought we were set for a nice relaxed night, but got dragged into some drama from my sister. She has some pretty bad neighbours, and she phoned the police on them, but was worried that they would know that she phoned them, so wanted us to put up her son for the night. It led to a later than normal night, waiting to hear back from her, but in the end he went to someone else's house for the night. All is good today though. Just a bit of a strange evening.

 

Day 877.

This weekend went really well, we didn't do a huge amount, but it was good.

We got our car charger installed, which wasn't too bad, and makes charging the leaf much easier. The weather was awesome as well, so I got the grass cut and we went for a BBQ at Tans parents, which was good, and the kids enjoyed it.

On Sunday I did the grocery shopping and we went for Sunday lunch, before heading to my Dad's to see him my brother and my gran for a cuppa. We got back, and tried our best to have a relaxed evening (but our youngest was being a pest).

Work is busy but manageable. Can't wait for my 4 weeks off, but lots of work to do here in preparation...

 

Day 879.

Feeling: Confident, optimistic and hopeful

Today is going well so far, and I'm not too tired. I've been trying to implement some quality improvements, and do paperwork while training, and I'm training someone 3lse this afternoon in a different role, but I'm pretty confident and optimistic about it actually making a decently positive impact on quality.

The weather is also pretty good at the moment. I expected bad weather, as there have been widespread weather warnings for thunderstorms this week, but we have so far dodged them (not that I see much sun other than on my lunch, being stuck in a box room with no windows that I call a lab...)

 

Day 880.

Feeling: Tired, optimistic and hopeful.

Quite tired today but only because I woke up at 4am and couldn't get back to sleep (annoyingly my mind started thinking about work...).

This morning has been very busy, and a little stressful, as the person I'm training hasn't mastered how to manage her workload very well yet, meaning I've had to help her by figuring out what stage everything is at. I have discovered that I am pretty particular about the way I organise certain things in my lab, and when people organise things differently it makes me feel like everything is going wrong. I think I need to relax a little bit about it!

 

Day 881.

Feeling: Hopeful, confident and guilty.

I'm feeling hopeful and confident about work, that I can make some good positive changes in the lab, but also that my training is going to start after my paternity leave in October, which will be good.

But I am feeling guilty that I have kept forgetting to book a days holiday next week, and when I've looked now, there is too many people off. I have managed to get a half day but means we will be missing out on half a day of holiday away in a caravan, and I've upset Tan with it, because she has been asking me for ages.

I'm also noticing that I have not been paying full attention to Tan of late when I get in from work, and she wants to talk to me about "adult" stuff to get a break from talking to the kids. I think part of it is tiredness from work, but its kind of rude of me. I think I need to lessen my use of the phone again, as it has innocuously crept up again.

In spite of all that though, I'm looking forward to the weekend off, and looking forward even more to getting away camping next weekend!

 

Thanks for your comment, it's encouraging that you have found it inspiring.

I think that my journal has always been about life, just that PMO hasn't been as big of an issue in it more recently.

My NoFap journey has been full of ups and downs, I think that I'm on one of the ups currently, lots of things are going well and we have lots to look forward to, but journalling on here is just as important now (even if what I write about isn't as much about NoFap and PMO) as it is when things aren't going so well, and I need to use this resource for help, guidance and to get things written down and out of my head, I think keeping the consistency up is important.

I have to admit, there are other areas of my recovery that could do with a bit more consistency and effort, and even writing on here could be more frequent.

A quote from one of the podcasts I listen to (I think quoting a Chinese proverb) "He who sweats more in times of peace, bleeds less in times of war." Meaning the more work you do when you aren't struggling, the easier it will be when you are.

 

Day 885.

Feeling: content, confident and successful.

Today is going really well, and I feel pretty good about what I've achieved at work the past couple of weeks, and hopefully I will manage to achieve some more goals in the few weeks left before paternity leave. I feel like I have a lot of preparation left to do at work.

I also have preparation to do in making a plan for while Tan is in hospital. For our first two, Tan was only in for one night after c-section, so fingers crossed it is the same this time around. The difference this time is that I am not allowed to visit for as long as I did the last couple of times (once a day for up to one hour). Admittedly I will have to see to the kids, but I will need to put a plan in place as to what I'm going to be doing nand how I'm going to keep Tan updated. Obviously I will keep in touch with Tan the whole time, but it's important that I create a robust plan that will keep Tan feeling safe while she has to stay in hospital.

I'm confident that it will go well, and I'm excited to meet the little guy on the 7th September!

 

Day 886.

Feeling: Confident, optimistic and excited.

Things have been going pretty good recently. I feel really good about work, and I actually really enjoy what I'm doing at the moment. I've got responsibility for a department, I am making positive changes, I am in charge of training new staff, and I still perform most of the hands on work too (not that that will last for much longer, hopefully I won't lose that side of it too soon). I also really appreciate how lucky I am to feel that way about my job, as I know that most people never end up in a job they love.

I'm also excited about the weekend, as we are going away in my in-laws caravan for a couple of days with the kids. I'm taking my bike and a child's bike seat attachment so I can take the kids on bike rides to explore, and let Tan try and relax for a while.

I am also obviously looking forward to getting to finnaly meet our next addition to the family soon, and even though I said all that about loving my job, I am still looking forward to four weeks off!

 

Day 887.

Thursdays are often busy, and today has been no different, but I'm excited (in a kind of sad way) because some new kits should be arriving for sample prep and I'm looking forward to testing them.

It's also getting closer to the weekend, and tomorrow is only a half day for me, so not long before driving away with the family to camp in the caravan. We aren't going far, but it will feel like a break still.

I listened to episode 137 of the Porn Free Radio podcast the other day and he made a reference to the metal band "In Flames" which cheered me up. I didn't expect rhat he would be a fellow metal head deep down! Gave me a strange new sense of respect for Matt (the shows host). He listens to metal to help with feelings of anger etc, it has a kind of cathartic effect,and I completely agree (though I listen when I'm in a good mood too!)