Trying to gain back my SOs trust

Day 1003.

Today is busy, and not particularly helped by recovering after being ill over the weekend. Nothing serious, but we have been pretty active with house work and doing things with the kids on top of feeling bad, coupled with middle of the night feeds which has led to a kind of hangover feeling of lethargy, tiredness and general "grottiness". All of which are not conducive to working, especially when it's busy.

The weekend was good though, and we saw the girls dance as part of their dance classes at a drive in cinema show of their performances. Bit difficult with the youngest, being in a car for so long, but still good, and great to see the eldests face when she recognised herself.

I'm now just counting down to Christmas when I will have a week off, I doubt a particularly restful week, but off work at least!

 

Day 1005.

The past couple of months have gradually been getting busier it feels, and the workload feels like it's mounting, and the staffing getting worse, meaning no time to do other tasks that get put on the back burner. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, but it feels like it's getting more and more stressful.

Fortunately this weekend we will get some reprieve, as the kids are staying with their grandparents for a night, allowing us to finish wrapping presents, and hopefully have a restful night of sleep. Fingers crossed we'll be refreshed on Monday morning, but I'm not getting my hopes up...

 

Day 1006.

Today has started badly, with the little one having a terrible night sleep again. He cried for a lot of yesterday driving Tan to the edge, and wasn't much better when I got in, meaning I barely sat down after getting in from work to going to bed, as he needed carrying around to stay settled.

This morning, he wouldn't settle, and wouldn't take his bottle, and when I had to get up to get ready for work, our youngest girl had a meltdown, which tipped Tan over the edge. I think this Saturday can't come quickly enough. We are both exhausted, and Tan is sick of crying from the little one, and fighting shouting and screaming from the girls. And to top it off, next week is the start of the school holidays, meaning there'll be a whole load more of it. Hopefully our parents will be able to help out midweek.

 

Day 1011.

The weekend went pretty well, we decorated my dads house for the first time in 3 years on Saturday morning. He hasn't felt the motivation since my mam passed away, and the year before that dad was struggling enough being my Mams full time carer to warrant putting them up, so the kids love that they are this year.

The kids stayed at their grandparents on Saturday night, giving us a bit of respite from early mornings and middle of the night feeds. It was greatly appreciated, but doubt that it'll happen again any time soon, as the little one gave them little rest.

We spent the time child free wrapping Christmas presents, so we are all done (except for mine for Tan...) they are all ready to go, just I don't get much time where I can do it without Tan there. I don't have much more time before Christmas to do it though, so will have to make some...

 

Thanks man, makes me feel a bit old though (I'm only 30!! )

To be honest, I wish I could have woken up to the truth about what porn was doing to me when I was 20. It would have put me in a much better place to start our family, though as I said in a previous post, we must learn from our mistakes, not just forget about them, and I have certainly had a lot of learning to do!

Hope you have an awesome Christmas (as much as possible!)

 

Day 1024.

Happy New year and merry Christmas!!

Its been a strange up and down year, and it's had some extremely good parts, and some particularly crappy parts, but as far as covid is concerned, I hope this year is better.

We had a busy Christmas week, I was off with Tan and the kids, but it was exhausting. We did a lot of eating, probably less productive stuff than we hoped, and definitely a lot less sleeping than we hoped for, but it was mostly good. Tiredness though (as always) definitely led to some arguments, and I don't think the tiredness will get better any time soon (but I keep my fingers crossed!)

 

Day 1027.

This week is going okay, just tired. We always end up having late nights because, once the girls are in bed we eat and relax for a bit before heading to bed, but the little one then takes a bit of settling. We try to leave it as late as possible to feed him so his night time feed is at an okay time so he will only feed once in the night, but it has recently meant having sub 6 hours asleep, which we are pretty useless on anything less than 8... Fingers crossed he will sleep through once he is in his own room... (I won't hold my breath, our youngest girl took quite a while before sleeping through even in her own room).

Other than being irritable by sleep deprivation, and annoyed at the covid situation at work and home, things aren't really too bad. It's my turn feeding tonight though, so tomorrow might be worse for me (though better for Tan hopefully)

 

Day 1031.

So on Friday I had my first round of the covid vaccination, which was a different experience to any other vaccination I've had. Queues and a 15 min wait after in case of side effects, but I congratulate the organisers as it was running smoothly, with thousands of staff in my group of hospitals already vaccinated. Pretty impressive, on top of rolling the vaccine out to the wider population.

The side effects weren't too bad, I'd heard bad stories, but other than stiff muscles, tiredness and a pretty tender arm from the jab, not too bad, and I'd urge anyone given the opportunity to go and get it.

This weekend as a result was spent pretty lazily. We watched a lot of kids movies (which I secretly use the kids as an excuse to watch...) and not as much housework as we intended, but it wasn't a bad weekend really. Now back to work, and still tired, though screaming baby, and a bed wetting accident last night didn't help that. Nevermind, we just keep plodding on, looking for the light at the end of the tunnel!

 

Day 1033.

This week has been a bit of a drag so far. I kind of feel like I cba with work at the moment. I think it's that I'm tired, and I kind of hate that I'm not putting 100% in due to feeling lethargic. I think that it's the accumulative effect of lacking sleep, and the current covid lockdown. These things will get better in time though. I know Tan feels the same way stuck at home though, at least I go to work and am able to socialise.

 

This is a great first step and I applaud you for taking it. The first is one of the hardest when deep in addiction.

I would highly highly recommend joining a group as one of the next steps. I have made mistakes in the past, and thinking I can do this on my own was a big one. I have recently started attending SAA and it's been great, with a high level of accountability and a lot of great connection,and the ability to talk with people who are in or have been in the same place as you.

Good luck on your journey my friend!

 

Its great that you are having these conversations with your partner, and I'm happy to hear that he is being very supportive, I can understand how difficult that would be for him.

I have had issues using Facebook previously. I now barely use social media. I can't remember the last time I used it. I also have accountability software on my devices, which although isn't foolproof, has deterred me from acting out, and has allowed me to begin trying to build trust with my partner. Perhaps something you could look at (though it can be pricey, and isn't for everyone).

I think that you should consider posting this into your own thread in this forum as you will probably get more posts from different people there.

Have you looked at other threads on the site? Chances are you will find many people that will have been in a similar situation to you.